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Category: Ask the Audience

Scared of repeating the past

Scared of repeating the past

I have suffered from narc abuse and now I’m starting to date again… I’m very hesitant and scared of repeating the past. I met someone new and I’m just wondering is it possible for someone to be slightly narcissistic but not abusive or are all narcissists abusers?

 

I feel guilty

I feel guilty

I am an adult with a family of my own. My father is narcissistic and our relationship is very toxic. I have kept him at arm’s length for years now due to the abuse. My sister has not had to endure the same as she was very clearly his favourite. This has left a disconnect in our relationship as she has no idea what it’s like to be on the other side of dad’s love.

She confronted me yesterday that I need to “weave” him into my life. He is going through some rough things and admitted to wanting to off himself.
I feel guilty for not wanting to bring him back into my life. I feel guilty and feel like a rotten human being for not racing to his aid. I work in healthcare and usually feel a deep need to help.

Our last encounter just a few weeks ago wasn’t the most pleasant with some of his underhanded comments. And 11 months ago I had to check myself into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. No one from my family came to my aid. My sister and I were close until I made a stand against my dad years ago. I am bitter that she wasn’t there for me. I am angry that she has the guts to put this on me.

I am physically ill today. I feel so trapped in either being a “good person” and shoving my own mental health aside or saying “F you!  I love myself too much to let you hurt me again.” Further alienating my relationship with my sister. What do I do?

Any recommendations?

Any recommendations?

I am a Christian, with an adult sibling who is a narcissist. Her behaviour affects our entire family and all of our relationships with each other. I have only recently discovered this diagnosis, narcissism. And I am now discovering the connection between my sibling’s narcissist behaviour and my own anxiety about being around her, or even attending family functions. I am wondering if you have any book recommendations,  something I could read to give me words to use and empower me to be around her without feeling like I might Burst from fear. Thank you.

 

Is this a half hearted apology?

Is this a half hearted apology?

I’d appreciate others’ thoughts and perspectives on what I’m facing right now.

It’s a long story but I have been NC over the last 3-4 years with my brother (narcissist), mother (narcissist) and younger sister (J) (flying monkey). I have another sister (the other scapegoat) who the whole family had been estranged from for 12+ years until I began making contact just after the time things blew up with the rest of the family. It’s taken some time to nurture but I now have a meaningfully healthy reciprocal relationship with this sister (F) and her family. I realise how she has been ostracised and marginalised by our mother in particular for most of her life.

Our mother is 86 and lives in the same city as all of her daughters. Her son lives in another country and is very wealthy and able to provide our mother with access to private medical care etc. that she wouldn’t get in our country. He has been twice divorced (very nastily and publicly), and has had countless short term relationships that all seem to go sour when his narcissist nature gets in the way of the relationship. Our whole family blew apart when his second wife (who was lovely) walked out on him. Being a narcissist, walking out on him was the worst thing (in his eyes) that she could have done. She was the brave one suffering so much emotional, economic, and mental abuse from him. I kept in contact with our sister-in-law because she was important to me. When he found this out, I was cast to the kerb along with my family. Then the lies began on his part to denigrate and discredit us. People believed him, and still do – that’s the worst part.

Our mother moved into a retirement village just over 2 years ago. I had no part in this, even though I part-owned the townhouse she was living in. I have not seen or heard from her since she told me to “Go to Hell” over the phone Oct 2014, when she was caught out lying and spreading malicious gossip about my family. Only the youngest daughter (J) and the son have anything to do with our mother. She has made my life a misery in so many ways that I have only begun to understand recently. I’m 60, successful and well thought of in the community. I’m a teacher turned business owner with a very happy marriage of 40 years and two children in their twenties.  I had decided long ago that I would not be attending our mother’s funeral as I didn’t want to sit there listening to people saying nice things about what a lovely, kind, caring lady she was – when I know differently. I’ve been on the receiving end of so much hostility and the usual outbursts characteristic of a narcissist. She has managed to spread a smear campaign against me and my family, so that aunts and uncles that I thought I had a reasonable relationship with, don’t feature in our lives now at all.

Last evening my brother messaged me and my sister (F) to say that our mother is failing in health. It is implied in the message that we should go to see her. I replied back, “Thank you for the information. I’m sure she is being well cared for.”  F messaged him saying that it is not exactly unexpected at aged 86, and enquired whether he was with her at the present time (remembering that he lives abroad). He replied back a rant about how he had flown over to see her 4 times in the last year, and how his two children had been over in the last 2 weeks to see her. He said he was coming over again on Friday. The irony is that F has had cancer and when the mother, brother and younger sister (J) found out, they sent messages (rather cold and impersonal) and my younger sister (J) even suggested they meet for coffee. F had said that the only one who was there to support her in her traumatic time of dealing with cancer was me. That seemed to ignite a streak in both my brother and J. F  ignored that message as J hadn’t had contact with her for such a long time and didn’t see why, that just because she knew she had cancer, that she had any reason to think she had a right back into her life. Our brother acted as if he cared about the fact that she’d had cancer but when F reflects back – he didn’t bother to come to see her on any of those 4 trips back to his home town. His caring is all a hoax. So now we have the information that he is visiting the same city we all live in this week.  I won’t be going to see our mother, nor will F.  We are both adamant about that.

The interesting thing is that my husband’s sister died last week, and my mother sent a card which I received yesterday. The message she wrote was strange, with “Please accept my condolences. …” – we wondered why the word please was underlined. Was this a half-hearted attempt to say she was sorry? We ‘re probably reading too much into that. She’d never actually come out and apologise as that’s not in a narcissist’s repertoire, I know.

I have read lots of material on narcissist mothers and I’m currently jotting my thoughts and experiences into a journal which has been quite cathartic. I have read that going to see our mother could be closure and that I might regret not seeing her before she dies. I’ve also read that going to the funeral is closure and something I’d regret if I don’t go. Then, I read of another person’s experience who was in a similar situation, where she did go to the funeral but said it was the worst thing she could have done and wished she hadn’t.

What suggestions do the audience have in dealing with similar situations?

The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

Can you post an anonymous question to see if others had the experience of wondering what was and was not real, including themselves, when they became aware of the moment that they were in love with a narcissist who didn’t really exist? I just recall sitting on the ground and wondering if I was real for quite a few hours and it was the most horrid experience I’ve ever had.

 

Why do they pop up after more than a year?

Why do they pop up after more than a year?

What makes a narcissist pop up after more than a year of absolutely NO contact and start trying to stir trouble again? my fiancée’s ex has started up again. On me this time. Best as we can tell, her goal is to 1) make people think I’m stalking her and 2) she seems pretty intent in convincing people that I’m crazy and imagine things she does.

We know she’s still been creeping all this time. One of her daughter’s got a message to me to block certain Facebook pages when we posted our engagement. Evidently the ex wife lost her mind over that. But even then, she didn’t try to start trouble directly with us. But all of a sudden, last week, she’s literally stalking our house and posting about it on Facebook. She’s used my reaction to seeing her in my neighbourhood (When she lives over an hour away) as an opening to start stirring shit again and I’m still wondering why the heck she crawled out of her hole again.

 

I’m dumbfounded

I’m dumbfounded

I’ve just been dumped by a woman that I’ve loved for the past five years. I was at a loss as to the reasons why when my mate mentioned narcissism. I’m dumbfounded. She’s given me silent treatments before and I always thought I’d done something to upset her. I always ended up apologising to get her to come back to me again. Now I know it’s not my fault. It’s her but I’m devastated. Why would she do this to me when I loved her so much and she knew it.  Are these people that evil? It’s only been two weeks and she’s refused to answer my calls and texts. Why? I’m so confused. Please help.

 

Feels like I’m trapped

Feels like I’m trapped

I was with an abusive  misogynistic  monster for over 20 years since my early teens. I have three sons for him and finally left about five years ago. My sons are 21, 16 and 13 he does little to nothing positive in their lives yet they still adore him while at times seeing him for who he really is. Sad part is they have picked up so many of his ways along the way that at times dealing with them feels like PTSD or like I’m trapped in the horrible relationship I took too long to get out of. It’s to the point where I love them but can’t wait to raise them so I can separate from him and them for good. Any advice?

I’m really having a hard time with this

I’m really having a hard time with this

I’m so grateful to have come across this page and articles on narcissism for reasons that my life changed drastically in a matter of a few months. My old time flame from my youth turned up after 33 years only to find myself realizing that I had always been in love with a man that wasn’t what I thought he was. Quite frankly, it’s devastating. I’ve been trying to deal with this situation and been doing so alone because my feelings seem to be where at times slip from my grips. May 22, 2017 we had a nasty fallout – horrible incident where I ended up going to his home emotionally and psychologically exhausted to confront him in front of his partner that he never told me about in the beginning which he told me he was single and it wasn’t until after 2 mouths that he finally broke the ice and told me about the woman he had been living with; he said he’d be taking me to his house to meet his children later on because his daughter and son were having problems and it wasn’t a good time to meet them so, I patiently waited to be introduced. What I was introduced to was nothing but deceptive lies and manipulation etc. –  a bunch of drama. Finally in May I went to confront them both and i did it to see if he would man up and admit to us both what he had been doing to us both, playing with our feelings and manipulating us, well, he pinked out and instead, didn’t answer the door and called the police on me and had me escorted off the premises. We haven’t had contact since until the beginning of August and he started dropping emails. Because I’ve grown not to trust him and aware that he is capable of bringing me harm, I responded. He asked for my new phone number, I rejected the call for the call showed as private caller, he email again and sounded jealous because he saw me in company of a male friend and I made it clear to him that it was just a friend however, seems as though his agenda is something of a vindictive agenda. The whole time he’s been asking for forgiveness and finally, i gave him the opportunity to talk and he decided to play games by sending an early good morning message, an ok for answer , to nothing else. In the past, he had hijacked my emails which I deactivated because he was monitoring me through spyware I had no idea he was doing and I finally discovered this.

I’m really having a hard time with this. I don’t want to resort to a crisis stabilization treatment facility because I just left one. Professionals will recommend psychotropic medications and no real support system. DV recommendations are to resort to restraining orders and this can only stress me more and may complicate this situation. Dealing with these individuals is something I learn that is to be taken very serious.

Reasons I responded to him is because, he knows my whereabouts, I live alone and have no family or close friends where I live. I don’t have other options @ present and financially, I’m limited.

I don’t understand what is he trying to gain trying to get to me after all the damage he caused and walked away as if nothing happened and left me like dried up road kill???

I’d be so grateful if someone would please, get back to me on this and give share some insight.