Browsed by
Category: Ask the Audience

Do I stay or go?

Do I stay or go?

Ask the group please as I am stuck: my narc boyfriend and I have a 5 month old. We live together in my house. Despite drunken verbal and emotional abuse and condescending, passive aggressive barking about every little thing in my home, I walk on egg shells and became this submissive, weak person who rather acquiesce than stand up for myself because I would rather keep the peace.  After a domestic incident in February and escalating emotional and verbal abuse, we started counseling and it has given me the forum to speak and feel freely. And after a sobriety agreement, he broke that and lost my trust. Then last week for my birthday, another unnecessary fight ensued and I overhead him on the phone soap-boxing the smear campaign and spreading lies and inaccuracies.

My 12 year old daughter lives with me part time and she has seen some of his nastiness and sees his manipulations…he is baiting her favour and trying to gain her sympathy and pity for his case, which infuriates me.
For the sake of the baby, well…everyone really, I asked him to move out and he won’t. I want a family and he is getting his own counselling now, I am too, and he swears he is going to change. I want to keep my family together but I don’t fully trust he is changing…just that he is trying to win me back and avoid missing his baby’s life. I sense desperation but wonder if I am giving up.

Do I stay or go?
I don’t know what I can do to help her

I don’t know what I can do to help her

I have been told that someone who is a victim of a narcissist must choose to leave the relationship on their own.  That outside influences will not help encourage them to leave and that often they will be looked at as a threat and shoved away.  I am very concerned that a family member is experiencing this but I don’t know what I can do to help her.  Are there any resources available for friends or loved ones of those who are being abused emotionally by a narcissist?  If you have been in a similar situation – either as the abused or as the concerned family member – what was helpful in your situation?
Would you warn them?

Would you warn them?

If your toxic, narcissistic ex has a new victim,  would you warn them? If so, how would you do it so that she would see through his lies / believe you when he tries to smear you after?
We’re scared she will turn him against us

We’re scared she will turn him against us

My stepson’s biological mother has just started coming back into the picture after being MIA for 9 years. He wants to start seeing her and we don’t want to be in the way of that but terrified because she is extremely manipulative and we don’t know how to prepare him. Does anybody have advice on how to explain that to a child in an age appropriate way? Instead of just letting him find out for himself because we’re scared she’s going to turn him against us and cause some serious emotional damage.
I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve done the right thing

I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve done the right thing

I am wondering if anyone can lend me their advice in regards to narcissism and emotional abuse? I broke up with my ex in January (same sex female relationship), and am trying to remind myself that I have done the right thing. I have provided a summary below of comments I am receiving from my ex and would appreciate your those who feel they have been in this situation before, your thoughts? It is very summarized because my story itself was 10 pages long. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this:
  • She has rang me a lot, once it was 85 times in 1 hour
  • “I know what is best for you”
  • “You know that if you see me you’ll feel better”
  • “You know that I am the only one you should be talking to”
  • “I know that I can give you everything”
  • “I wouldn’t be still here if I didn’t believe I could be the person you need”
  • “I’m not a sick individual that wants you back so I can hurt you again”
  • Told me she went to a psychologist 9 times, she went once (I do believe she is seeing one now)
  • “I am in love with you and no one else”
  • “Surely if my daughter meant anything you would give me another chance”
  • Tells me to send all the stuff back to her that she had at my house, but then gets angry when I do
  • I ask a question and the story doesn’t add up
  • I ask a question and she answers in a long winded way that isn’t even related to the original question
  • Blames so many different things and people for her behaviour
  • Told me I am emotionally abusive
  • “Don’t dwell on shit and overthink things”
  • “Keeps calling herself a worthless piece of shit”
  • Threatened suicide (I say I am calling her family and she retracts)
  • “I thought you would focus on the future if I was worth it”
  • “I’m sorry you feel like I pushed you away”
  • “I’m sorry you read things the wrong way”
  • “Even my friends say I should let you go and I’ll find someone else”
  • She had a go at me for having dinner with a friend every Monday
  • Started applying for houses in my home town despite me asking her not to
  • Kept saying how she wanted her daughter to grow up near me even if we weren’t together
  • Says hurtful things to me and then says “I just want to now be honest” e.g., my sister says I shouldn’t have you in my life
  • “I don’t remember saying that
  • “There was two sets of rules, I had to tell her who had messaged me or what friend I was visiting, but she would just say “just had a friend over”
  • “I know what you need. I know you better than anyone”
  • “I am disowning my family because you are my family”
  • Yells at me
  • Talks over the top of me
  • Sends me this massive apology about wanting me to be happy even if it is without her…..is it another tactic!?
  • Talks about her achievements flat out and how good she is
  • We were talking about interview techniques and she goes “I am great at interviews because you just have to teach the panel about yourself and I am a great teacher”
  • Tells me how to do my job sometimes
And the list goes on…
My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me

My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me

I would like to anonymously ask a question. I’ve been following your page for over a year now. My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me for about a year and a half (when I started realizing what was going on anyways). Physically once when he picked me up by my arms and threw me on the bed. These things have never happened before in our marriage. There was never any abuse or mind games (again, that I had realized). Over the past year he has threatened divorce many times, and I have become completely isolated from everyone, family, even friends. I stay home with the children, have no income, completely dependant upon him. Supported him every step of the way on his journey up his ladder. He’s threatened that if I leave, the kids will be taken away, and he will have unlimited funds to fight me until he wins (truth…. his daddy will give him as much money as he wants). I’ve been thinking of going to school to get a degree to be able to support myself for when this happens, but I’m always told I don’t need to, and there’s no reason for another bill. But I feel like at this point I’ve seen all the signs and would be stupid not to heed these warnings. I’m terrified, I feel stupid and worthless, like I couldn’t accomplish it anyways. I know that’s just his seeds of doubt he has planted, but how do I move my feet, and what do I do in the meantime while I’m trying to get an education, raise my children, and deal with the mental torture dealt on a daily basis to me and the kids! I want to do this! I need to!!! Please your advice is appreciated.
I feel my new relationship doesn’t compare

I feel my new relationship doesn’t compare

After entering your first relationship after being with a narcissist, do you compare the new relationship with the love bombing stage? I’m feeling like the new relationship doesn’t compare and he doesn’t do half as much as my Narc did… I felt like I was truly over my narc but I’m missing him more than ever now especially when I’m so let down by my new man. We’ve actually taken a break because I’m just not happy in the relationship. Not sure if the narc is playing any part in the back of my mind ?

I don’t feel I can trust my father not to manipulate

I don’t feel I can trust my father not to manipulate

I’m honestly in need of some advice – my father is a narcissist. It took me a long time to realise it but having put all the pieces together a lot of other things fall into place. Over two years ago he and my mother moved in with us while they looked for a more suitable property – and the penny finally dropped that he was emotionally abusive towards Mum, myself and my husband – it got so bad that after several threats and tantrums I told him to move out. Recently he has been in email contact playing the ‘poor me’ games and saying how much he wants to maintain contact with me and our adult children – my problem is that I don’t feel I can trust him not to try to manipulate again. It has taken me a long time to grieve for this relationships and I don’t feel I want the contact again. Can anyone suggest anything – do I allow this manipulator back into my life at the risk of getting badly hurt again or do I maintain a zero contact?

I don’t want to cause waves

I don’t want to cause waves

I have a question about a situation that will happen today and I’m not sure how to handle it. I work with my narcissist very closely. He is a colleague not my boss. We had a relationship, however now we don’t speak outside of work. He has recruited some young impressionable girls who we also work with, with his mask and charm. I’m finding it difficult to avoid the mean/nice cycle with him even when I stay away. Yesterday he approached me in front of people at work and told me he was at the farmers market and bought me a few things that he knows I like. He is going to bring them to me at work today. I know the reason for this is because he was with the girls at the market and he’s keeping me in a positive light to them so he looks like the victim and the ‘nice’ guy. He’s never bought me anything in his life (aside from flowers six months ago) and I know that this action is not genuine and only to impress the girls he was with. I don’t want to accept the gifts today, but I don’t want to cause waves. I feel that once he is able to make these positive gestures when no one else is looking, then I may believe his motives are pure. Any advice?
Not allowing them to live with me is not an option

Not allowing them to live with me is not an option

Can I have an anonymous question posted please?  It’s a two part question.  First of all, can a person who has done recovery work successfully coexist with a narcissist peaceably?  Secondly, any advice for someone who is having a narcissist parent coming to live with them (not allowing them to come live with me is not an option)?  Thank you.