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Any recommendations?

Any recommendations?

I am a Christian, with an adult sibling who is a narcissist. Her behaviour affects our entire family and all of our relationships with each other. I have only recently discovered this diagnosis, narcissism. And I am now discovering the connection between my sibling’s narcissist behaviour and my own anxiety about being around her, or even attending family functions. I am wondering if you have any book recommendations,  something I could read to give me words to use and empower me to be around her without feeling like I might Burst from fear. Thank you.

 

Is this a half hearted apology?

Is this a half hearted apology?

I’d appreciate others’ thoughts and perspectives on what I’m facing right now.

It’s a long story but I have been NC over the last 3-4 years with my brother (narcissist), mother (narcissist) and younger sister (J) (flying monkey). I have another sister (the other scapegoat) who the whole family had been estranged from for 12+ years until I began making contact just after the time things blew up with the rest of the family. It’s taken some time to nurture but I now have a meaningfully healthy reciprocal relationship with this sister (F) and her family. I realise how she has been ostracised and marginalised by our mother in particular for most of her life.

Our mother is 86 and lives in the same city as all of her daughters. Her son lives in another country and is very wealthy and able to provide our mother with access to private medical care etc. that she wouldn’t get in our country. He has been twice divorced (very nastily and publicly), and has had countless short term relationships that all seem to go sour when his narcissist nature gets in the way of the relationship. Our whole family blew apart when his second wife (who was lovely) walked out on him. Being a narcissist, walking out on him was the worst thing (in his eyes) that she could have done. She was the brave one suffering so much emotional, economic, and mental abuse from him. I kept in contact with our sister-in-law because she was important to me. When he found this out, I was cast to the kerb along with my family. Then the lies began on his part to denigrate and discredit us. People believed him, and still do – that’s the worst part.

Our mother moved into a retirement village just over 2 years ago. I had no part in this, even though I part-owned the townhouse she was living in. I have not seen or heard from her since she told me to “Go to Hell” over the phone Oct 2014, when she was caught out lying and spreading malicious gossip about my family. Only the youngest daughter (J) and the son have anything to do with our mother. She has made my life a misery in so many ways that I have only begun to understand recently. I’m 60, successful and well thought of in the community. I’m a teacher turned business owner with a very happy marriage of 40 years and two children in their twenties.  I had decided long ago that I would not be attending our mother’s funeral as I didn’t want to sit there listening to people saying nice things about what a lovely, kind, caring lady she was – when I know differently. I’ve been on the receiving end of so much hostility and the usual outbursts characteristic of a narcissist. She has managed to spread a smear campaign against me and my family, so that aunts and uncles that I thought I had a reasonable relationship with, don’t feature in our lives now at all.

Last evening my brother messaged me and my sister (F) to say that our mother is failing in health. It is implied in the message that we should go to see her. I replied back, “Thank you for the information. I’m sure she is being well cared for.”  F messaged him saying that it is not exactly unexpected at aged 86, and enquired whether he was with her at the present time (remembering that he lives abroad). He replied back a rant about how he had flown over to see her 4 times in the last year, and how his two children had been over in the last 2 weeks to see her. He said he was coming over again on Friday. The irony is that F has had cancer and when the mother, brother and younger sister (J) found out, they sent messages (rather cold and impersonal) and my younger sister (J) even suggested they meet for coffee. F had said that the only one who was there to support her in her traumatic time of dealing with cancer was me. That seemed to ignite a streak in both my brother and J. F  ignored that message as J hadn’t had contact with her for such a long time and didn’t see why, that just because she knew she had cancer, that she had any reason to think she had a right back into her life. Our brother acted as if he cared about the fact that she’d had cancer but when F reflects back – he didn’t bother to come to see her on any of those 4 trips back to his home town. His caring is all a hoax. So now we have the information that he is visiting the same city we all live in this week.  I won’t be going to see our mother, nor will F.  We are both adamant about that.

The interesting thing is that my husband’s sister died last week, and my mother sent a card which I received yesterday. The message she wrote was strange, with “Please accept my condolences. …” – we wondered why the word please was underlined. Was this a half-hearted attempt to say she was sorry? We ‘re probably reading too much into that. She’d never actually come out and apologise as that’s not in a narcissist’s repertoire, I know.

I have read lots of material on narcissist mothers and I’m currently jotting my thoughts and experiences into a journal which has been quite cathartic. I have read that going to see our mother could be closure and that I might regret not seeing her before she dies. I’ve also read that going to the funeral is closure and something I’d regret if I don’t go. Then, I read of another person’s experience who was in a similar situation, where she did go to the funeral but said it was the worst thing she could have done and wished she hadn’t.

What suggestions do the audience have in dealing with similar situations?

The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

Can you post an anonymous question to see if others had the experience of wondering what was and was not real, including themselves, when they became aware of the moment that they were in love with a narcissist who didn’t really exist? I just recall sitting on the ground and wondering if I was real for quite a few hours and it was the most horrid experience I’ve ever had.

 

HOW A NARCISSIST LOOKS AT LIFE AND YOU

HOW A NARCISSIST LOOKS AT LIFE AND YOU

(In a nutshell from a narcissist’s point of view)

When you first become entangled with me, you will always belong to me.  You become mine, my property, to do with as I see fit.  Your opinions, hopes and dreams are immaterial to me.  You need to stop thinking of yourself and put my needs above all else.  Give me all your time, attention and admiration or there will be hell to pay.  Your hell, not mine.

In the beginning you were the centre of my world.  Soon I will be the centre of yours.

You will learn to accept my version of the truth.  I will never be responsible when things go wrong, and believe me, they will.  It’s inevitable.  Don’t expect me to ever accept blame.  It will never be my fault.  I don’t make mistakes.  Instead I will shift the blame on to you each and every time.

I will manipulate you into thinking the way I do.  I will control your mind and your free will, so that you start to think that you no longer have a mind of your own.

You will become so confused that you start to doubt your own reality, your very sanity and the ability to trust yourself will be slowly eroded.

I know who is good for you and who is not.  If your friends and family are not on my team, you will be urged, manipulated and eventually forced into discarding them.  When you have isolated yourself from your friends and family, you will be completely at my mercy, having no one but me, to turn to for support.

I will read your mind.  I know what you are thinking even when you don’t know yourself.

I am above the law.  Normal rules apply to everyone else, not me.  What was once yours, now belongs to me.  What is mine, is mine.  If I want something I will have no qualms in taking it.  Borrowing is another word for permanent possession, mine.

I will control your happiness or lack thereof.  You will not be happy unless that happiness is brought about by me.  I will control your moods so that my shame becomes yours.

Do not set boundaries.  I will see those as barriers to be torn down and crossed and I will succeed.

Do not ever question me on where I am going or what I am doing.  You have no right to know.  Never criticize me for my behaviour.  My behaviour is always above reproach.  If you can’t accept that, then you have no place within my fold.

Whatever you do for me will never be enough.  You could have done more or have done better.  That’s just the way it is and will always be.  Don’t expect gratitude from me.  I will always be dissatisfied with your efforts.  When you see my dissatisfaction, you will try harder and harder to please me and do a better job next time.  I am pulling your strings and you don’t even know it.  To see your never ending struggle to please me amuses me for a time.  I deserve special treatment, you couldn’t rise to the challenge and failed to meet what was expected.

The goal posts never remain static.  They will be moved again and again to meet my   unreachable expectations.

I will continually put you down so that you are no reflection of who you once were.

If I move on or if you leave me, I will show you how insignificant you were to me, as I move on to someone else as if you never existed.

I reserve the right to come back to you when I see fit.  You will receive me with open arms as I come back into your life for a while.  Nothing in life is permanent.

If I lose control over you, I will control how other people see you.  I will let people know how you hurt me and they will believe me because I have already sowed the seeds.

Never cross me.  I will never forget and I will never forgive.  I will get my revenge.

I win, you lose.  That’s just the way it is.

Remember that you are nothing without me.  You need me.  I do not need you.

Footnote…
Remember that the narcissist needs somebody, anybody more than you do.  They cannot survive without their supply.  When you realize this, you’ll know that the only one being fooled is themselves.

 

Written  by Anne McCrea

Why do they pop up after more than a year?

Why do they pop up after more than a year?

What makes a narcissist pop up after more than a year of absolutely NO contact and start trying to stir trouble again? my fiancée’s ex has started up again. On me this time. Best as we can tell, her goal is to 1) make people think I’m stalking her and 2) she seems pretty intent in convincing people that I’m crazy and imagine things she does.

We know she’s still been creeping all this time. One of her daughter’s got a message to me to block certain Facebook pages when we posted our engagement. Evidently the ex wife lost her mind over that. But even then, she didn’t try to start trouble directly with us. But all of a sudden, last week, she’s literally stalking our house and posting about it on Facebook. She’s used my reaction to seeing her in my neighbourhood (When she lives over an hour away) as an opening to start stirring shit again and I’m still wondering why the heck she crawled out of her hole again.

 

Narcissism / Mobbing in the Workplace

Narcissism / Mobbing in the Workplace

Narcissists don’t think that normal rules of decency and morality apply to them. They have no qualms in intimidating and harassing their employees or co-workers and making their lives miserable.  Taking credit for another’s work, blaming others for their own mistakes, outbursts of rage, jealousy when other workers are better or smarter than they are themselves, are all commonplace.

Narcissists pretend well.  They often appear to be charming and considerate but it’s the covert put downs and subtle digs that often go unnoticed by many.

If a narcissist is in a job that they cannot do very well, they will resent their co-workers who can do the job so much better and these feelings of ‘someone being able to do the job better,’ will give the narcissist a valid reason to target them.

The person being bullied may feel intimidated, offended and unjustifiably criticized. The workplace bully abuses their co-workers motivated by their own insecurities and selfishness. Their desire to succeed is foremost in their minds. In order to achieve their goal they will trample on anyone who they see as competition. Bullying in the workplace can take many different forms such as:

  • Discrediting someone’s reputation with lies and gossip.
  • Sabotaging a colleague’s work.
  • Isolation / ostracism.
  • Refusing to answer their telephone calls or emails.
  • Being regularly undermined.
  • Failure to provide the necessary information, equipment, tools for the task in hand.
  • Withholding important information such as deadlines, meetings and social gatherings.
  • Threats of job loss.
  • Being rude and talking down to colleagues.
  • Stealing and then accusing others of the theft.
  • Having your right to training or promotion denied.
  • Verbal abuse.
  • Unfair treatment.
  • Reacts to criticism with denial and blame shifting.
  • Moves on to a new target once their present target has left.

Mobbing is an insidious form of psychological abuse committed by a group of people and has devastating consequences. Studies have proven that people in a group will behave in a manner that they would never do alone. Normal common decency is cast aside and someone who was once a valued member of a group, is shunned and ostracised. The person is excluded from work meetings, social events and their very presence is not recognised. They are often falsely accused of wrongdoings and find themselves the subject of gossip and slander. People find themselves being attacked by their co-workers, superiors and subordinates. Over a period of time, possibly weeks or months, this form of abuse will chip away at someone’s dignity and their self-respect. We have to remember that human nature dictates that we have an inherent need to belong. Although the scars left by this particular form of abuse are not visible, they are long lasting and more painful than physical wounds. Long term ostracism often results in alienation, low self-esteem, depression and physical illness. Shunning is an act of aggression which can have deadly consequences on the target. There will be those in the workplace setting who may not take an active role in bullying a target but they cannot shirk responsibility for their inaction. Their failure to take a stand, their lack of integrity and their inaction has enabled the abuse to continue. The longer their behaviour continues, the harder it is to bring it to an end. Suggestions for those who are being bullied or harassed:

If the problems cannot be sorted out informally talk to…

  1. Management
  2. Human Resources (HR) department
  3. Trade union representative

If harassment continues most countries provide legal action through employment tribunals. It is not advisable to turn to your abusers for their approval. Choose to be in the company of people with morals and integrity, people who have whatever it takes to stand up against the crowd, to stand up for honesty and human decency. Abuse is often directed at one specific target and may go unnoticed by management and colleagues. In some cases, management may be at the helm of the abuse in an effort to force the target to resign.

When things go wrong, don’t expect the narcissist to accept the blame.  It’s not going to happen.  It’s got to be someone else’s fault.  You may think because you are efficient at your job and have great results, that the narcissistic boss will be thankful.  They won’t.  It’s a reflection on them, you work for them and they trained you to do the job.  Your outstanding contribution will all be down to them so don’t waste your time trying to convince them otherwise.

Don’t be fooled into becoming ‘friends’ with the narcissistic boss or co-worker. Their view on friendship is totally different from a normal person’s understanding of what friendship really is.  If they are being friendly, it is because they want something from you.  If you are of no use to them, they don’t want your friendship.  Don’t go down that route.

The narcissist boss will obtain narcissistic supply by denying their workers their entitlements. Don’t expect them to abide by rules or regulations. Normal rules and regulations don’t apply to them. A good boss will have respect for their workers and should quickly notice if there is someone been bullied in the workplace.

Possible signs of bullying may include:

  • A drop in the standard of an employee’s work for no obvious reason.
  • Long term sick leave due to stress.
  • Employee seeking early retirement.
  • Succession of people leaving employment unexpectedly.

Some employers will not acknowledge that there is a problem in the workforce and fail to address it as they should, and may even try to conceal it. They should note that a happy workforce is a productive one and that failing to address bullying may have a profound effect on the business as a whole.

There’s a big difference between a firm hand and an iron fist. Employees can be motivated by being valued and encouraged rather than through fear. This is what separates the good boss from the bad.

Written by Anne McCrea

I’m dumbfounded

I’m dumbfounded

I’ve just been dumped by a woman that I’ve loved for the past five years. I was at a loss as to the reasons why when my mate mentioned narcissism. I’m dumbfounded. She’s given me silent treatments before and I always thought I’d done something to upset her. I always ended up apologising to get her to come back to me again. Now I know it’s not my fault. It’s her but I’m devastated. Why would she do this to me when I loved her so much and she knew it.  Are these people that evil? It’s only been two weeks and she’s refused to answer my calls and texts. Why? I’m so confused. Please help.