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Being Alone Doesn’t Always Mean You’re Lonely

Being Alone Doesn’t Always Mean You’re Lonely

Being alone has a power that very few people can handle.’
Steve Aitcheson

‘People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true.  Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.’
Kim Culbertson

In the course of my work on the Facebook page and website I have found that many people who have been subjected to abuse prefer to be alone for much of the time.  They are fed up with a world full of people who are all out for themselves with no regard for how their behaviour or words affects those around them.   People who are happy with their own company are not necessarily anti-social.  They simply choose to be alone rather than subject themselves to fake people and back stabbers.

‘There’s a difference between loneliness and being alone.’
Anon

‘If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone.’
Maxwell Maltz

When you have been deeply hurt by someone, you often find that you distance yourself from people in order to protect yourself.  If you don’t let people get too close, they can’t cause the same type of pain that you’ve experienced in the past.  It’s a form of self-preservation.  Although these people may be described by some as loners, they are just quite content in their own company.  Unlike a narcissist who can’t abide being alone due to the lack of narcissistic supply, these people don’t need others in order to make their lives complete.  They don’t need to be in the spotlight.   These strong individuals can survive and thrive alone or with a small, tight knit circle of friends and / or relatives. 

To become a part of their inner circle is not an easy accomplishment.  They tend to be very selective when it comes to letting people get close.  Due to their learning experience from their past, they often develop solid, strong boundaries.  They’re not going to let just anybody become a part of that circle until they’ve been vetted!  If you are lucky enough to find yourself accepted into their inner circle, you’ve probably found one of the most trustworthy, solid, loyal friend that you’ll ever find.  These people are the rare gems of humanity that sadly, one doesn’t come across too often nowadays.

They’ve gained knowledge and wisdom from the rough paths that they have travelled.  They have had their struggles but survived each and every stone that life threw at them and they became stronger as a result.  They understand life’s problems because they’ve been there.  They’ll be your rock when you need someone to lean on.  Just don’t betray them.  They can spot a fake a mile off.  That’s a road well-travelled and they’re not going down that route again.  Once they’re done, they’re done and so, my friend, are you.

Written by Anne McCrea

Is he deliriously happy with her?

Is he deliriously happy with her?

What are the readers feelings on a narcopath who has left all 3 of his children’s mother’s, with a couple of relationships in between which he has finished, being able to settle down at all? I took the blame for my marriage breakdown because that’s what he told me and he has skipped into the sunset with my close friend. They have been together for more than 2yrs and have just bought a house together. I feel totally invalidated because of how I was treated in our relationship because he is deliriously happy with her. So many people have told me that it will unravel but it doesn’t appear to be and I’m now back to believing it must be me! I do know that I made plenty of mistakes in my marriage and he was good and kind a lot of the time but he was also aggressive and blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life! Has anyone had this experience?

 

Is he messing with my head?

Is he messing with my head?

I’m in a relationship that when I go to his, I’m listening to other women’s names under his breath.  When I ask him about it he denies that he’s said any thing. What do I do?  He calls them and every thing but still denies it.   It’s in my head.  Is he messing with my head or something?

No Contact

No Contact

When all else fails, sometimes the only option for a target of abuse is to cut all contact with a toxic person. If someone is bringing more unhappiness into your life than they are pleasure, this may be your last resort. I appreciate that this is not possible for everyone, for example when you have children with a toxic personality. In this case, your best option may be to impose limited contact where all interactions are kept to an absolute minimum and in writing when and where possible.

No contact is quite simply a set of rules that you impose on yourself to help you and aid recovery. These rules are NOT put in place with the intention of hurting anyone. The only one who suffers if you break those rules is yourself. Going no contact with an abusive personality is giving you the best possible opportunity to recover from abuse.

What exactly will no contact entail?

  • Do not text.
  • Do not make or receive phone calls. (If they ring you from an unknown number, hang up when you hear their voice).
  • Do not respond to emails.
  • Block them on social media.
  • Avoid looking at photographs. (Looking at photographs will keep their memory alive in your mind. It is like opening a wound and not letting it knit together and heal. Close that photo album for the time being).
  • Do not snoop on Facebook or other social media. (You don’t need to know what they are doing or who they are doing it with).
  • Do not meet up.
  • If you pass them on the street, look the other way.
  • If they leave you an email, don’t read it.
  • Avoid going to places where you might run into them.
  • If you happen to work with them, keep to the rules when and where possible. Keep communication on a business level only.

Let the abusive personality know that you are severing contact and ask them not to contact you in any way. They may not respect your decision but the ball is in your court now. Show no emotion. You are in control. When a narcissist realises that you are now no longer under their control, they may eventually give up and stop trying to make contact with you.

Keep these rules in place for as long as you need to, until you are fully recovered or perhaps for all eternity. Some people have let their guard down only to find that breaking no contact has taken them right back to where they started. If there is absolutely no benefit to you for breaking no contact, why would you? The vast majority of toxic people are not going to see the light and change who they are. If you put your hand in the fire once and got burned, why would you do it again to see if it still hurts?

Above all, protect yourself and don’t let a toxic person back into your life to hurt you all over again. The past is a place of reference. Learn from it. Grow from it but don’t dwell on it. There is a reason some people should be regarded as an unpleasant memory. They have no part to play in your future.

Written by
Anne McCrea

I could really use some prayers and support

I could really use some prayers and support

I already have Complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse from 2 prior relationships.

I met my current husband a little over 2 years ago. Narc #1 unintentionally introduced me, which I found comforting as though that was Gods reason for allowing such a destructive force in my life.

My husband is sweet, protective, affectionate, understanding with me and much more. He’s helped me heal a lot in the last two years from narc abuse and alcoholism.  I’m now sober over a year and a half. He’s held my hand while I cried, gone to doctor appointments with me, talked about my hurts, let me rest when my mind is exhausted. I genuinely believed I met the love of my life.

We have/had a great life, cute little house, my kids from before are happy and doing well.  We have great pets, I get to stay home and do fun projects around the house, play with our puppies and lunch with friends while he works and builds our newly created home based business.

So he proposed last year and we got married this year. We are both older and have both been married before (2 Times each).

Lately money has been really tight. I’ve wanted to go get a job to help with finances while out company grows but I’m discouraged by him from doing that. Then, day before yesterday I accidentally discovered that I am really his SEVENTH wife, he has hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax liens and back owed child support, a prescription drug problem and nearly everything he’s ever told me is a lie. I’m beyond devastated.

I don’t really need any advice, I know what to do. Find a job, kick him out, get this bs marriage annulled….I could just really use some prayers and support.

 

I need help…

I need help…

I’ve been in a relationship on and off for five years and my partner has finally left me ‘for good’.  I have really struggled in this relationship and it has affected me financially, psychologically and other ways.  I question myself, “Am I a narcissist?”  No, I don’t think I am, although the way that I had started responding at times was to lose my temper and to try to stand up to my rights of being treated decently, yet I am “the crazy one”.  My whole life had been destroyed from what it was when I met her.  I need to find out … am I a narcissist, how can I control my temper during these incredibly stressful times of abandonment, control and berating done to me, and to get my head back together so that I’m finally in a healthy place again.  I really am desperate to find some sort of workshop, therapy, talk group etc.  I need to purge all this … and I need to heal old child wounds that started being triggered.  And I just need to off-load.  And I’m not sure now if I’m not good at validating, if it’s “all about self-centred egotistical me” … is it just that I can’t validate a loving partner and they understandably become frustrated and hurt?  Do I turn everything round to ‘what about my hurt’ every time … and what about the times when her behaviour towards me was just completely unreasonable that I couldn’t validate it or how she was feeling at the time … like when I was late for her birthday because I’d split my knee open and she decided to go out with her family instead and pretend that everything was OK, and … well, there’s more to that story, ending in her calling me bully and other things, and leaving me … again.   I really need help!

Alcoholic narcissist

Alcoholic narcissist

I left my narc ex in June 2017 and we have an 11mo old baby. He is a high functioning alcoholic.

The courts appointed a guardian ad litem for her and after they did their investigation,  recommended the NX to cease drinking and removing all alcohol from the home. We agreed he would do a breathalyser at exchanges which is only 3 days a week.

Recently,  I found out through inadmissible and circumstantial means that he is drinking.

How do I prove he is drinking still? It’s a violation of our court order (in the US). But I lack proof.

I am considering surveillance and demanding random alcohol screenings bit that may not work as I have no leverage to substantiate my suspicions. He has a clean driving record and one arrest for disorderly conduct following our domestic incident this year.

Anyone have luck putting terms or finding a creative way to prove a NX is an alcoholic?

Thank you kindly!

I am becoming bitter

I am becoming bitter

I was married for over 30 years when he decided to leave.

I have done a good job starting over, but it still hurts tremendously. I believe in getting married one time. I gave my marriage my all. I am still so hurt. I am becoming bitter and am afraid I will never be able to trust anyone again. Any suggestions?

 

Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

I have a question for the people in the group that have divorced a narcissist. Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

I really am not sure. As someone who is still fighting for custody (been over 4 years now), financially devastated, and having to live with my parents, I am not sure I would have left knowing all he crap he has put me through and continues to put me through.

 

No one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me

No one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me

A year

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  I imagined the teacher would present themselves as a kind-hearted, angelic and loving being. I never imagined that the teacher would present himself as a monster hidden behind a façade of a soul mate. Such is my story. My teacher swooped into my life and swept me off my feet.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open.  I allowed myself to expose my vulnerabilities because my teacher loved me and would protect me.  my teacher quickly became the man of my dreams. we celebrated finding one another… Finally.  In a world of broken promises, betrayal, pain and built up walls, we no longer needed our armour. We had each other.  In his eyes, I saw my future.  The years of holding back, of waiting for the right time to allow myself to trust, he had arrived.

What started off as a love so true, slowly transformed into a nightmare.  But I refused to see it.  What he once loved about me, the vulnerabilities shared with him, slowly turned into the arrows he shot me with.  He knew I loved him. When I was hooked, his mask started to fall off. He was no angel at all.  He was the devil disguised.  Yes, I stayed.  I transformed to the best of my ability, into someone that tried to be loveable.  He loved me once before, surely, he could love me still. And herein lies the lesson.  I loved me less and less and truly wanted my teacher to be proud of me and love me still. I forsake myself and fed my self-worth and value to the devil. But he could not be satiated. The more I gave, the more he wanted and needed. Until I no longer recognized myself.

I’m not too proud to say, it was not I that ended the relationship. I was committed to show him again, all the reasons why I was worthy of his love and affection. he treated me horribly. He was mean and vindictive and apathetic. If I cried, he would get mad.  If i refused to argue, he would get angrier. Towards the end of the relationship, I wouldn’t engage in arguments, I would swallow my pride and hope that he could love me still.  That’s who I became.

But its okay.  Sometimes teachers don’t tell us, they show us.  And my teacher showed me. he showed me that no one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me. my teacher challenged me to stand up when I was bowing at his feet. The relationship ended when he blamed me for him needing to find someone better.  He met someone better…. That is what he told me. at that point, I understood the lesson… It was the last test… I must stand up.

I stood up.

This isn’t intended to disrespect him. It’s not about him. He was placed in my life for a reason. This is about me and my story and growth. I wish him well on his journey.