Guys I’m reaching out to anyone because I have totally destroyed my life because I am a narcissist. I have had 2 failed engagements I have no friends and very little family. I cannot build any meaningful relationships or friendships because all I do is lie. I have lied and cheated my way through life and I have literally lost my soul mate. The woman who completed me. I’m reaching for help because I cannot trust myself in any way shape or form. The voice in my head is constantly telling me it’s all going to be ok and it’s ruining me. It’s ruining everything. I’m going to be alone on my 30th birthday and I have no one. It’s all my.fault and I have 2 options, either get help and realize I can’t do this alone, or I kill myself because I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially her, anymore. I’m trying as much as I can to be honest but even then, am I manipulating myself? Lying so much. I believe my own lies? Please, someone, anyone……help.
Anyone can be a target of a narcissistic personality.
The greatest source of narcissistic supply will come from conquering the unconquerable! If they can manipulate someone who can advance their status, this would be considered a great achievement.
I look at this from the mind-set of a mountaineer. At the beginning of their quests to climb mountains, the mountaineer will start off small, and with every successful climb, they will want to go higher the next time. Eventually, they won’t get satisfaction unless their climb is more difficult and more challenging than the one before. Their life goal will be to conquer the biggest and the highest mountain. The narcissist’s greatest challenge and achievement will be to conquer the strong and powerful. Once having achieved their goal, the narcissist will attempt to tear down those very same attributes that attracted them in the first place.
Under the mask of the narcissist, is often a person of rather low self-esteem, even though to many, they may appear to be confident and assertive. They need to have their fragile egos fed, having a regular source of narcissistic supply which in turn makes them feel superior. They want others to be envious of them and their chosen partner. Narcissists generally do not have any respect for weakness of character. However, weak people who are easily manipulated are seen as soft targets, and the narcissist may choose someone who is sad or insecure on a temporary basis, until someone better comes along, when they will unceremoniously cast aside and dump the weak person.
The narcissist will feel threatened by those who are more popular than themselves and those who they believe to have integrity and strong morals. In some cases, the narcissist will target such people, for no other purpose than to bring them down.
Once the narcissist has picked their target, they will go all out to prove to this person that they have met their soulmate. Their goal will be to make this totally independent, strong person, utterly dependant on them. They will have to work hard to rise to the challenge but once accomplished, imagine the boost to their ego. Once they have you where they want you, they will slowly but surely chip away at your self-confidence so that eventually you become a shadow of your former self.
The narcissist is attracted to the self-sufficient, independent individuals as they will be less likely to have to take care of their needs.
Narcissists are envious of those who are happy and content. If you have a passion for life, they will try to make sure that it won’t last long. How dare you be happy, when they find it impossible to ever find such a state of contentment? They will seek to destroy your happiness just to make themselves feel better.
Narcissists don’t like being upstaged in any way. If you are the type of person who doesn’t feel the need to take centre stage, you’ll fit the bill for a time. You will be less likely to take the spotlight away from them.
If you are a perfectionist, you may be targeted because you will want everything to be perfect and you will go out of your way to achieve perfection. You will want to receive their approval for a job well done, but as an acknowledgment is extremely unlikely, you’ll try harder next time. You always try to please, doubting yourself and thinking that whatever you do is never good enough.
The narcissist will pray on the empathetic people in this world, the most compassionate, loving and kind people. Someone with such a kind and forgiving nature is much more likely to forgive them time and time again.
Sometimes, if strong, independent targets are unavailable as a source of supply, the narcissist will choose someone who will be an easy target for their manipulation, someone who they see as weak, someone who may be recently divorced or someone in mourning. The depths of their immorality and depravity knows no bounds. Exploiting the vulnerable will give them a lesser degree of supply, but it will be enough until a new source of supply has been established.
Written By Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
Just recently broke up with an emotionally abusive partner and I didn’t know it was a toxic relationship until it was over.
He has had a rough year, jobless and stressed most of the time. I was there for him through all of it.
A few months ago my aunt passed away. That was the exact day he decided to tell me he needed a break. He said I expected too much of him… After the funeral he ended things completely and said I was draining him.
Does needing someone to talk to make me a selfish person?
I was no contact with my narcissist mum for 7 months – last July through Jan 13 2018- that was her 87th birthday. I missed holidays ,the traditional so called Christmas Eve and it was fine for me.
I saw people that I love and love me for holidays. So anyway my brother Joe called me and asked me why I was keeping away. I told him about the ongoing verbal and emotional abuse from her and I told him it was affecting my health so I was staying away. He’s presumably the golden child most of the time, he’s very wealthy. He wanted to talk about it, I did face to face but he convinced me to attend her 87th birthday. I did, she didn’t say anything at all to me. Just hello, no big deal. After that she started calling me maybe once a week or more. Easter came I attended dinner with my brothers and their families, she was present. It was ok.
Then this Mother’s Day 2018 I attended a dinner at another brother’s house, when I saw her I had a panic attack which lasted 3 hours. I called my therapist, he told me to leave the event, take a walk and go home for some meditation. I was fine after I left. I don’t know what happened, therapist thinks she triggered something and because I had let her back in to my life my guard was down and I had a reaction.
Now I have not seen her since May 13 2018. I talk to her once every 10 days by phone to just ask how she is. Pretty low contact I think.
One of my brothers had a cookout last Wednesday. It was July 20 2018. I didn’t go.
She waited until July 29 to call me. I answered, she was ok at first then started verbally attacking me, calling me odd, crazy, not the same person , a variety of insults intended to demean my character. She even accused my husband and my best friend of turning me against my family! I stopped her there and said she was totally wrong, that I’m old enough to make my own decisions… anyway I tried to remain “grey rock.”
I know I should have hung up the phone but I didn’t. We eventually hung up not on bad terms. I blocked her from our home phone and cell. I don’t know what else to do, I’m seeing my therapist on Tuesday.
My birthday is in a few weeks…I don’t know if I should remove the block on my phone?? I know that’s really stupid.. but I do need help.
I’ve been suffering for a week now… my therapist says it’s a culmination of every thing that she’s done and with this new trauma it pushed me over the edge… that’s my story..
Everyone in my family calls each other on birthdays… if I keep her blocked, she will disown me… I know it…it’s hard to be ready for that.
I’m wondering if anyone on here has gone through an ugly custody battle that required a section 211 report? Was the narc able to manipulate the assessor into believing all the abuse (well documented abuse, police, mcfd, eye witnesses) was not a cause for concern and stated the victim was in fact the person with a personality disorder. What was your end result???
I didn’t know a year ago when my daughter got married we would be literally giving her away to not be seen or talked to. She was a peacemaker, sweet, loving and trusting. Even in her teen years we never got a sore word. She’s now being that way to him. We don’t get answers to our calls and texts although occasionally if we do they’re ugly. They’re not from her. Has he taken her phone? Does she see our messages? Does she hate us and never want to talk to us again? Nothing bad ever happened. In fact he called me mom and joked and had fun with me. Then everything changed that day they got married. I feel like my daughter died but then I think it would be better if she had died. At least then we would have answers and know. It’s been a year since I lost my friend. I’m sad every day. I constantly think about her. We were close. I wake up in the morning feeling like I’ve been in a terrible accident and my pain medicine is wearing off. How do I live life normally again. And not be so sad? I’ve never been sad before. I’m a spiritual person. I pray a lot, I’ve been reading and educating myself, I talk to my husband and friends as much as I feel I can. I debate driving to see her but the books say no, she is an adult, just wait. I want to fight for my daughter. I know she’s being mentally abused but does she know it? She was close to her family. We are a very involved and close family. It’s been a year. She has no connection to us anymore and is completely alienated from everyone she ever knew. What can I do to help myself since there seems to be nothing I can do for her, I suppose?
How can I be a positive influence in her life when we’re not allowed in her life and any contact has been negative and seems to come from him?
It took me a long time to get to a point in my life where I no longer give a damn what people think. The less I give a damn, the better my life becomes. From now on, I’ll do what I believe is right. My conscience is clear.
People like to be liked. They try to please other people often disregarding their own wants, needs and feelings. They go all out to please someone who may never even notice their efforts. They may get a pat on the back if they’re lucky. On the other hand, the more you do for some people, the more they expect. Yes, it’s nice to be nice but we have to know when to draw the line. We have to know that it really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. As long as you know in your heart that you’re doing the right thing, ignore what anyone else thinks.
We need to stop being afraid of what others think.
There will always be those who try to find fault where none exists. Let them.
There will be those who are looking to be offended. Let them be offended. These are their problems, not yours.
There are some who will be angry with you for what you’re doing. Let them. Do it anyway if you know it’s right.
There will always be people whose lives are so boring that they can’t keep their nose out of everyone’s business. Pay no heed.
Some people have nothing better to do with their time than cause upset and frustration to those around them. Their behaviour says a lot about them. Distance yourself.
Some people will be green with envy and jealousy. They’ve got issues they need to address. Let them go.
There will always be liars and people who try to put you down. You don’t need them in your life. In time, the liars get caught out in their lies and those, who believed all that s**t, well, you’re better off without them.
As time passes, you’re circle may get smaller as you weed out these people who never had your back in the first place. You can replace these degenerates with honest, reliable folk who have the same values and morals as you do. You’ll see that the people’s opinions you once cared about are long gone.
Be choosy about those damns that you give. Save them for the situations and people in your life who are worth giving a damn about.
Written by Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
I am often asked, ‘How long will it take to recover?’ There is no straight forward answer. It’s different for everyone. A lot will depend on how long you have been abused and what was done to you. Recovery from emotional abuse is going to take a lot longer than getting over a normal relationship. Some experts will say that it takes at least two years to recover from abuse, but for many, it can be much longer. I believe that to move on, you must physically get away from the narcissist in your life. It’s a bit like a wound that won’t heal if you keep opening it. No contact works but it is difficult. It is extremely tough to implement no contact if you have not accepted that the relationship is over, permanently.
Psychologists talk about the five stages of grief which are:
- Denial and Isolation.
It should be noted that not everyone will go through these emotions in this particular order. There is no time limit on how long each stage will take nor is it necessary to go through each one of them.
‘If only’ is an expression that we must forget. ‘If only I had recognised the red flags sooner’, ‘If only I had of acted differently’. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the outcome. They are who they are. What’s done is done.
‘Someone who makes excuses for their bad behaviour but keeps on doing what they’re doing is trying to justify what they already know they are doing wrong. There is no justification for treating others badly and they know it. They may fool some people some of the time. Don’t let them fool you.’
Never be afraid to seek the help that you need. There are those who will find that therapy helps. Some people suffer from PTSD because of what was done to them. This can be treated with the correct help and support. Others will find that going on anti-depressants for while may help. You have got to do what is right for you.
Realize that you are not the person the narcissist made you think that you are. You are much stronger than you think you are. Surround yourself with people who care. Talk to people who understand what you are going through. Don’t expect people who have never been subjected to abuse to understand. They won’t. You will find those who understand your pain are those who have been there.
It is essential to understand NPD and rid yourself of the belief that any of this was your fault.
You need to be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Understand that the narcissist is a dysfunctional human being, they were before they met you, or in the case of a parent, before you were born. Understand the immorality and wickedness that characterizes their behaviour.
You may feel that you will never be able to trust anyone ever again. You want to build walls to protect yourself and keep people out. Hard as it may be, try not to paint everyone with the same brush. There are some good people out there. There are some people who want to see you happy and not be the cause of, or rejoice in, your pain. Give those people a chance. Don’t isolate yourself and cut yourself off from the world. Doing so would be letting the narcissist still have control over you once they are nothing but a distant memory. Remember that the rear-view mirror is smaller than the windscreen for a reason. Focus on what is in front of you, rather than the road you have already travelled.
Written by Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
Brief history… My ex and I split in 2012 (my choice). One child, a daughter who was 9 at the time. Horrendous legal battle ensued. He stole all assets and money (near $300,000). Never saw a cent. Has never paid child support. He had 6 lawyers, I barely could afford one as all our money was ‘gone’. After 6 child psychologist/family assessors etc etc.. I was granted sole custody, at the recommendation of the last 2 psychologists, as a result of his behaviour toward both me and my daughter. The court (without us asking) also issued a restraining order so that he could not contact us in any way (breaches still occur)… he had 5 boys from 2 previous relationships, our daughter was my first and only. I’ve always tried my best to allow the door to remain open when and if she wanted to reconnect with him or her brothers. ( she only likes 2, as 2 of the other ones used to verbally abuse her when she visited). So my dilemma is this… she is missing her brothers she likes (to note they are also 15-20 years older than her – they’re in their 30s).
She has tried to reach out to them via email, pinterest and instagram – and I am going to help her set up a FB account so she can. It’s breaking my heart because they are not responding to her and she feels so unloved by them… they are the only siblings she has, and irrespective of all the damage the ex (and the sons, yes, they were involved too) have caused, I am wanting to support my daughter where I can. What should I do? After her experience with the legal system and councillors – she will never talk to anyone again, she has no trust. I’m cautious with the brothers, knowing what I know (which my daughter is not privvy to). Im desperate, I dont know what to do. I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions at this point. Other than hugging her and telling her that my love for her is unconditional, Im at a loss. Sorry for the super long post – this is only the tip of the iceberg. Thanks
I need some support. I tried to work with my Mothers NDP until I moved to China in 2014 (at 45).My son sided with her and I miss him terribly. He is now her carer (from 17 – now and he’s just turned 21). The extended family have never heard my take on things and she’s always telling them dreadful lies. I’ve learned not to expect a civil response from any family member. I can’t write the abuse I’ve suffered. I have a successful life but I’m recovery recently from prolonged illness and mental health issues caused by years of gaslighting and abuse. The time living overseas was cut short by claims she was dying – she wasn’t, but I came back in 2016 and then she claimed I shouldn’t have come back. I’ve not lived within 2000km of her since 2015. But it’s hard. I have health problems and things get tough when I can’t work. I long for family support. Today I rang a member of the extended family (my mother’s brothers wife) – who I once had a great relationship with, to tell her I would be in her town in September. Whilst sort of polite, her disdain was obvious and she slammed down the phone in my ear. She has no idea what my life is like – the only voice is my mother’s. I was crushed. I’m really struggling and feel so alone. My last relationship was four years ago and he was NDP. I’m capable of being totally alone – but I’m tired and have become regularly suicidal. I love myself for the first time in years but I feel guilty for that. I ring her every few weeks only because I hope that having some relationship with her and trying might make my son contact me. He also gaslights. I just don’t want to feel so alone. I wanna know if I can love again, start again. If there’s hope. Can you share this with members on my behalf? I need to hear stories of recovery (not matter how long it took)?