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Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Unlike many posters on this site I am a male victim of emotional abuse. I met my partner when I was 20 years old and she was already married. In a complete whirlwind courting period where she asked me to marry her and divorced her current husband. Four months after meeting her we were married. I spent 20 years in a marriage with extreme emotional abuse. I was always told how other men were better than me in every way. Not once in 20 years did she tell me she loved me, but rather she had married me because I was a ‘good person’. She had affairs that I always forgave. I was not allowed to talk to women or I was accused of plotting to sleep with them whether they were 12 years old or 60. I was cut off and isolated from my family, my children were told that they had a ‘single mom’ because I was so useless. My children were told that in front my face, not behind my back.

Eventually 15 years into the marriage my grandfather died and something inside me came alive and I resolved to break free. I had terrible guilt at the thought of leaving and it took 5 years of building up the courage. Towards the end I started to see a psychologist who told me that my ex showed all the symptoms of a psychopath and that for my mental health I should leave. It took someone else telling me to leave to get the courage to do so. My self worth was so low and fear so great that I had a severe panic attack and believed I was having a heart attack and ended up in hospital alone with nobody to call.

Over the past 5 years since the divorce I have slowly healed, but still have a long way to go. I have just ended a second toxic relationship that fortunately has only lasted 18 months. In this last relationship some of the patterns of my marriage were repeated, some unbelievable lines were crossed and yet I forgave. She got angry with my and had sex with my teenage son to punish me and I forgave. She lied constantly and stole and I forgave. The ability for someone to trigger such self doubt that I question my own sanity and what the facts are is incredible.

Something I really do want to share having followed this page for a long time is that ‘they’ don’t matter and neither does knowing the truth. Knowing the truth will change nothing and so I have no need to obsess over it. What matters is me and my mental health. It is hard not to question why someone can treat you like that, but it really doesn’t matter. Why I ignored red flags, allowed myself to abused is what matters because until I change myself the pattern will continue.

How do I divorce the man?

How do I divorce the man?

I own the house. We have been married for a few years and have a 5 year old. We also work together, which oddly enough is a safe zone for me. Hence the reason I started to work there.

How do I divorce the man?

Everyone says pack your stuff and leave. I can’t. It’s my house.

I am so scared!

I dont want him served at work because we both work together literally 20 ft from each other.

I am afraid that he will ruin the house that we have worked so hard on.

I cant have the kid there because of how the husband treats me and I do not want our son to see it. How do I plan this all out? I am so confused.

I’m scared to death

I’m scared to death

Has anyone left an emotionally abusive relationship with a drug addict? I am currently in the process of leaving with my children and I’m losing everything. I’m scared to death. I will be leaving my home to go start fresh in a friend’s basement with nothing. He has stolen from my kids and he has stolen from me. He and all his ‘friends’, our mutual ‘friends’ have lied and been deceitful behind my back. My heart just can’t take it anymore. If anyone has been through something similar, how was it for you? I could really use some words of encouragement right now. I have nobody.

How do you manage when you have a child together?

How do you manage when you have a child together?

I only recently discovered you and look forward to your posts every day. They have become my daily affirmations on how to finally break free from my narcissistic EX. I do struggle in one area however and that is this requirement to maintain contact with this man, simply because we have a child together. How do other people manage a relationship with a narcissistic EX because they have to, because a child is involved?

How did you cope?

How did you cope?

I was wondering if it might be possible to have a post asking the page followers to be share what methods they used to cope with the shell shock immediately after they discovered the truth about their partner being a narcissist.
I’m currently reeling after realising everything I believed to be true was a lie, trying to cope with the sudden discovery of horrible actions and basically having to deal with the fact that he’s a completely different person than I thought.
I’m finding it hard to manage the reaction to this trauma and would welcome some input..

I have totally destroyed my life because I’m a narcissist

I have totally destroyed my life because I’m a narcissist

Guys I’m reaching out to anyone because I have totally destroyed my life because I am a narcissist. I have had 2 failed engagements I have no friends and very little family. I cannot build any meaningful relationships or friendships because all I do is lie. I have lied and cheated my way through life and I have literally lost my soul mate. The woman who completed me. I’m reaching for help because I cannot trust myself in any way shape or form. The voice in my head is constantly telling me it’s all going to be ok and it’s ruining me. It’s ruining everything. I’m going to be alone on my 30th birthday and I have no one. It’s all my.fault and I have 2 options, either get help and realize I can’t do this alone, or I kill myself because I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially her, anymore. I’m trying as much as I can to be honest but even then, am I manipulating myself? Lying so much. I believe my own lies? Please, someone, anyone……help.

WHO IS A TARGET FOR A NARCISSIST?

WHO IS A TARGET FOR A NARCISSIST?

Anyone can be a target of a narcissistic personality.

The greatest source of narcissistic supply will come from conquering the unconquerable! If they can manipulate someone who can advance their status, this would be considered a great achievement.

I look at this from the mind-set of a mountaineer. At the beginning of their quests to climb mountains, the mountaineer will start off small, and with every successful climb, they will want to go higher the next time. Eventually, they won’t get satisfaction unless their climb is more difficult and more challenging than the one before. Their life goal will be to conquer the biggest and the highest mountain. The narcissist’s greatest challenge and achievement will be to conquer the strong and powerful. Once having achieved their goal, the narcissist will attempt to tear down those very same attributes that attracted them in the first place.

Under the mask of the narcissist, is often a person of rather low self-esteem, even though to many, they may appear to be confident and assertive. They need to have their fragile egos fed, having a regular source of narcissistic supply which in turn makes them feel superior. They want others to be envious of them and their chosen partner. Narcissists generally do not have any respect for weakness of character. However, weak people who are easily manipulated are seen as soft targets, and the narcissist may choose someone who is sad or insecure on a temporary basis, until someone better comes along, when they will unceremoniously cast aside and dump the weak person.

The narcissist will feel threatened by those who are more popular than themselves and those who they believe to have integrity and strong morals. In some cases, the narcissist will target such people, for no other purpose than to bring them down.

Once the narcissist has picked their target, they will go all out to prove to this person that they have met their soulmate. Their goal will be to make this totally independent, strong person, utterly dependant on them. They will have to work hard to rise to the challenge but once accomplished, imagine the boost to their ego. Once they have you where they want you, they will slowly but surely chip away at your self-confidence so that eventually you become a shadow of your former self.

The narcissist is attracted to the self-sufficient, independent individuals as they will be less likely to have to take care of their needs.

Narcissists are envious of those who are happy and content. If you have a passion for life, they will try to make sure that it won’t last long. How dare you be happy, when they find it impossible to ever find such a state of contentment? They will seek to destroy your happiness just to make themselves feel better.

Narcissists don’t like being upstaged in any way. If you are the type of person who doesn’t feel the need to take centre stage, you’ll fit the bill for a time. You will be less likely to take the spotlight away from them.

If you are a perfectionist, you may be targeted because you will want everything to be perfect and you will go out of your way to achieve perfection. You will want to receive their approval for a job well done, but as an acknowledgment is extremely unlikely, you’ll try harder next time. You always try to please, doubting yourself and thinking that whatever you do is never good enough.

The narcissist will pray on the empathetic people in this world, the most compassionate, loving and kind people. Someone with such a kind and forgiving nature is much more likely to forgive them time and time again.

Sometimes, if strong, independent targets are unavailable as a source of supply, the narcissist will choose someone who will be an easy target for their manipulation, someone who they see as weak, someone who may be recently divorced or someone in mourning. The depths of their immorality and depravity knows no bounds. Exploiting the vulnerable will give them a lesser degree of supply, but it will be enough until a new source of supply has been established.

Written By Anne McCrea

Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon

Amazon UK

Amazon US

Am I being selfish?

Am I being selfish?

Just recently broke up with an emotionally abusive partner and I didn’t know it was a toxic relationship until it was over.

He has had a rough year, jobless and stressed most of the time. I was there for him through all of it.

A few months ago my aunt passed away. That was the exact day he decided to tell me he needed a break. He said I expected too much of him… After the funeral he ended things completely and said I was draining him.

Does needing someone to talk to make me a selfish person?

Do I keep my mother blocked?

Do I keep my mother blocked?

I was no contact with my narcissist mum for 7 months – last July through Jan 13 2018-  that was her 87th birthday. I missed holidays ,the traditional so called Christmas Eve and it was fine for me.

I saw people that I love and love me for holidays. So anyway my brother Joe called me and asked me why I was keeping away. I told him about the ongoing verbal and emotional abuse from her and I told him it was affecting my health so I was staying away. He’s presumably the golden child most of the time, he’s very wealthy. He wanted to talk about it, I did face to face but he convinced me to attend her 87th birthday. I did, she didn’t say anything at all to me. Just hello, no big deal. After that she started calling me maybe once a week or more. Easter came I attended dinner with my brothers and their families, she was present. It was ok.

Then this Mother’s Day 2018 I attended a dinner at another brother’s house, when I saw her I had a panic attack which lasted 3 hours. I called my therapist, he told me to leave the event, take a walk and go home for some meditation. I was fine after I left. I don’t know what happened, therapist thinks she triggered something and because I had let her back in to my life my guard was down and I had a reaction.

Now I have not seen her since May 13 2018. I talk to her once every 10 days by phone to just ask how she is. Pretty low contact I think.

One of my brothers had a cookout last Wednesday.  It was July 20 2018. I didn’t go.
She waited until July 29 to call me. I answered, she was ok at first then started verbally attacking me, calling me odd, crazy, not the same person , a variety of insults intended to demean my character. She even accused my husband and my best friend of turning me against my family! I stopped her there and said she was totally wrong, that I’m old enough to make my own decisions… anyway I tried to remain “grey rock.”

I know I should have hung up the phone but I didn’t. We eventually hung up not on bad terms. I blocked her from our home phone and cell.  I don’t know what else to do, I’m seeing my therapist on Tuesday.

My birthday is in a few weeks…I don’t know if I should remove the block on my phone?? I know that’s really stupid.. but I do need help.

I’ve been suffering for a week now… my therapist says it’s a culmination of every thing that she’s done and with this new trauma it pushed me over the edge… that’s my story..
Everyone in my family calls each other on birthdays… if I keep her blocked, she will disown me… I know it…it’s hard to be ready for that.

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