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RECOVERY FROM ABUSE

RECOVERY FROM ABUSE

I am often asked, ‘How long will it take to recover?’ There is no straight forward answer. It’s different for everyone. A lot will depend on how long you have been abused and what was done to you. Recovery from emotional abuse is going to take a lot longer than getting over a normal relationship. Some experts will say that it takes at least two years to recover from abuse, but for many, it can be much longer. I believe that to move on, you must physically get away from the narcissist in your life. It’s a bit like a wound that won’t heal if you keep opening it. No contact works but it is difficult. It is extremely tough to implement no contact if you have not accepted that the relationship is over, permanently.

Psychologists talk about the five stages of grief which are:

  • Denial and Isolation.
  • Anger.
  • Bargaining.
  • Depression.
  • Acceptance.

It should be noted that not everyone will go through these emotions in this particular order. There is no time limit on how long each stage will take nor is it necessary to go through each one of them.

‘If only’ is an expression that we must forget. ‘If only I had recognised the red flags sooner’, ‘If only I had of acted differently’. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the outcome. They are who they are. What’s done is done.

‘Someone who makes excuses for their bad behaviour but keeps on doing what they’re doing is trying to justify what they already know they are doing wrong. There is no justification for treating others badly and they know it. They may fool some people some of the time. Don’t let them fool you.’

Never be afraid to seek the help that you need. There are those who will find that therapy helps. Some people suffer from PTSD because of what was done to them. This can be treated with the correct help and support. Others will find that going on anti-depressants for while may help. You have got to do what is right for you.

Realize that you are not the person the narcissist made you think that you are. You are much stronger than you think you are. Surround yourself with people who care. Talk to people who understand what you are going through. Don’t expect people who have never been subjected to abuse to understand. They won’t. You will find those who understand your pain are those who have been there.

It is essential to understand NPD and rid yourself of the belief that any of this was your fault.

You need to be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Understand that the narcissist is a dysfunctional human being, they were before they met you, or in the case of a parent, before you were born. Understand the immorality and wickedness that characterizes their behaviour.

You may feel that you will never be able to trust anyone ever again. You want to build walls to protect yourself and keep people out. Hard as it may be, try not to paint everyone with the same brush. There are some good people out there. There are some people who want to see you happy and not be the cause of, or rejoice in, your pain. Give those people a chance. Don’t isolate yourself and cut yourself off from the world. Doing so would be letting the narcissist still have control over you once they are nothing but a distant memory. Remember that the rear-view mirror is smaller than the windscreen for a reason. Focus on what is in front of you, rather than the road you have already travelled.

Written by Anne McCrea

Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon

Amazon UK

Amazon US

They are not responding and she feels so unloved

They are not responding and she feels so unloved

Brief history… My ex and I split in 2012 (my choice). One child, a daughter who was 9 at the time. Horrendous legal battle ensued. He stole all assets and money (near $300,000). Never saw a cent. Has never paid child support. He had 6 lawyers, I barely could afford one as all our money was ‘gone’.  After 6 child psychologist/family assessors etc etc.. I was granted sole custody, at the recommendation of the last 2 psychologists, as a result of his behaviour toward both me and my daughter. The court (without us asking) also issued a restraining order so that he could not contact us in any way (breaches still occur)… he had 5 boys from 2 previous relationships, our daughter was my first and only.   I’ve always tried my best to allow the door to remain open when and if she wanted to reconnect with him or her brothers. ( she only likes 2, as 2 of the other ones used to verbally abuse her when she visited). So my dilemma is this… she is missing her brothers she likes (to note they are also 15-20 years older than her – they’re in their 30s).

She has tried to reach out to them via email, pinterest and instagram – and I am going to help her set up a FB account so she can. It’s breaking my heart because they are not responding to her and she feels so unloved by them… they are the only siblings she has, and irrespective of all the damage the ex (and the sons, yes, they were involved too) have caused, I am wanting to support my daughter where I can. What should I do? After her experience with the legal system and councillors – she will never talk to anyone again, she has no trust. I’m cautious with the brothers, knowing what I know (which my daughter is not privvy to). Im desperate, I dont know what to do. I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions at this point. Other than hugging her and telling her that my love for her is unconditional, Im at a loss.  Sorry for the super long post – this is only the tip of the iceberg. Thanks

She’s always telling them dreadful lies

She’s always telling them dreadful lies

I need some support. I tried to work with my Mothers NDP until I moved to China in 2014 (at 45).My son sided with her and I miss him terribly. He is now her carer (from 17 – now and he’s just turned 21). The extended family have never heard my take on things and she’s always telling them dreadful lies.  I’ve learned not to expect a civil response from any family member. I can’t write the abuse I’ve suffered. I have a successful life but I’m recovery recently from prolonged illness and mental health issues caused by years of gaslighting and abuse. The time living overseas was cut short by claims she was dying – she wasn’t, but I came back in 2016 and then she claimed I shouldn’t have come back. I’ve not lived within 2000km of her since 2015. But it’s hard. I have health problems and things get tough when I can’t work. I long for family support. Today I rang a member of the extended family (my mother’s brothers wife) – who I once had a great relationship with, to tell her I would be in her town in September. Whilst sort of polite, her disdain was obvious and she slammed down the phone in my ear. She has no idea what my life is like – the only voice is my mother’s. I was crushed. I’m really struggling and feel so alone. My last relationship was four years ago and he was NDP.  I’m capable of being totally alone – but I’m tired and have become regularly suicidal.  I love myself for the first time in years but I feel guilty for that. I ring her every few weeks only because I hope that having some relationship with her and trying might make my son contact me. He also gaslights. I just don’t want to feel so alone. I wanna know if I can love again, start again. If there’s hope.  Can you share this with members on my behalf? I need to hear stories of recovery (not matter how long it took)?

I don’t know where to start

I don’t know where to start

I need to get a divorce because of emotional abuse. I don’t have much income as I don’t have a job. My husband threatens me with withholding money etc. Doesn’t do much with the kids. I don’t even know where to start except that I need a lawyer. What do I do if he doesn’t agree to the divorce?  I have 2 small kids. I want to also move to a southern state. I am at a complete loss on what to do. I have no one to talk to about this.

How do victims move on?

How do victims move on?

I know from what I have read that the narcissist often ends up alone and that gives me comfort.  What I would like to know is how do victims of the narcissist get over abuse and move on?  I feel like I can never trust anyone again.  I spend most of my time on my own or with a few good friends but as for a relationship with anyone, I don’t think I’ll ever go there again.

How do I make her see that I’m sorry?

How do I make her see that I’m sorry?

My father is and always has been controlling and manipulative.  We have had our ups and downs over the years but I have kept him in my life because I don’t like to think that I’ve put up with all his bullshit for nothing.  (He’s got money and he knows it thinking he can buy people). He’s getting old now and bad as it sounds I hope he’s not around for much longer. I know that I copied his behaviour on occasions and I’m not proud about that but if I hadn’t gone along with his ostracising people, I too would have been given this sort of treatment.  I really liked one of his girlfriends who he discarded some years ago.  Unfortunately this was one of the times that I went along with his ghosting.  I’ve felt bad about it as she was always good to me.  I met her recently and tried to apologise for my part in this sick scenario but I was blanked.  She walked by me and acted like I wasn’t there.  I know some of you will say I deserved it but I had to go along with my father at the time.  How do I make her see that I’m sorry for the way he treated her and also for the part I played?

His emotional scars will be tough to overcome

His emotional scars will be tough to overcome

Hello.. I just came across your page and find it all very fascinating and informative! I have found myself in a predicament with my boyfriend’s parents both being insane. Narcissists and him having a lot of signs as it too!  As he was raised in that terrible environment, so it’s learned behaviour… he seems willing to change as they just turned our whole world upside down by their antics and he has moved across country to try to make a life for us closer to my family and away from his, which I think is a good sign… any advice? As I think the emotional scars they have left him with over his 30 years on earth are going to be tough to overcome.  Most articles I’ve read suggest leaving but I’m not willing to do that as we have a child together and would love for him to recover from the abuse and have a healthy happy family with me and my daughter. Thanks

The Darkness (The Scar)

The Darkness (The Scar)

It’s what you are, it’s who you are, you’re darkness is what brings the scar, it’s what you represent, I’m glad you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.

You have no love, you’re the black kind of dove, the opposite of good, and all this time I never quite knew exactly where I stood.

Your darkness spreads like a disease, the people you touch they feel unease, it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness and cruelty brings the scar.

I realize now there’s no need to hate, any part of you, because you’re that sad soul, you want us all to feel just like you.

But in my life you will not win, this scar now begins to heal, my bright star, love and light you always tried to steal.

I know this now, and see things clear, to think that at one point you were so dear, but it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness is exactly what brings the scar, I’m glad now that you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.

Brett Miller Lambadgee

The Callous Discard

The Callous Discard

When you first encounter a narcissist, you will likely be sucked into a toxic whirlwind. You will be seduced by their charm and believe that you’ve met your soulmate, someone who possesses the same beliefs, values and standards as you do. They’ve listened very carefully to you when you’ve talked about yourself, your hopes and your dreams and now you’ve found someone who wants exactly what you want in life. That old saying, ‘If it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t,’ will never be more apt than it is in this scenario.

In the beginning the narcissist will have high hopes for their new found love. Maybe this person will be the one who will fulfil their needs, someone who can put right all that is wrong and has gone wrong in their life, someone who will adore them the way that they deserve to be adored and someone who will be different from all their past ‘loves.’ (I use that term lightly.) The narcissist is looking for perfection and soon boredom will set in when they realize that their new darling is not perfect. You are not who you pretended to be at first and you’ve disappointed them. Of course you will be to blame for everything that has gone wrong within this fairy-tale romance. Self-reflection is not a skill that the narcissistic personality has learned or wishes to acquire. In their sick and distorted mind, they will never be at fault. Their frustration at your shortcomings (you’re a normal human being with needs and wants) will be enough for them to think that you deserve to be pulled down a peg or two. How dare you put your needs above theirs! They won’t accept anything less than being your number one priority. Your devaluation will commence.

This person who once made you feel special and feel loved more than any other will take every opportunity to demean and belittle you and you will have absolutely no idea what you’ve done to deserve it. You will likely try harder to please and if you manage to succeed this time, they may decide to keep you around for a little longer.

In this case, they will return to the person who they once pretended to be. You will likely be so glad to see that everything is rosy again and not question what just happened. This idealization / devaluing phase may continue for quite some time, possibly months or years. With each episode of devaluation, whether it be verbal put downs or passive aggressive behaviour, your feelings of self-worth are liable to take a nose dive. You are never sure how this so easily offended person is going to react so you find yourself walking on eggshells so that you never upset them again. How do you avoid offending someone who appears to be on the lookout for something to be offended by? The short answer is, you can’t.

Devaluation

The narcissist will put into practice the devaluation phase. They will likely have done this before in every relationship in their shady past. This process can take many forms such as gaslighting, shaming, belittling, smear campaigns, ghosting, abuse both verbal and physical, to name but a few.

If you find yourself in a relationship such as this, do yourself a favour and get away as soon as you possibly can for your own sanity and well-being.

The Discard

The devaluation phase will often be followed by a callous discard with no regard for your feelings. It doesn’t matter whether this relationship has lasted a year or twenty years. They owe you nothing. The narcissist will often abandon you and walk away without warning and without explanation. You’ll be left crushed and traumatised by what’s just happened and you’ve no idea why.

Why?

This relationship was doomed from the outset. You can never have a normal relationship with a disordered person and believe me when I say that the narcissist is not a normal person by any stretch of the imagination. They are dysfunctional human beings who will live with their dysfunction for a lifetime. The more you read about narcissistic personality disorder, the more you’ll see that you did nothing wrong. Their emotional maturity has never developed in the normal way. They will remain emotionally stunted until their dying day unable to form healthy attachments with anyone who has the misfortune to enter their lives. They are doomed to live their lives surrounded by drama and chaos, their home ground. These delusional individuals will never find happiness and contentment in their lives in the way that you can. These people are eaten up with jealousy and self-hatred. They will never be satisfied with what they have, always wanting more and always reaching for the unreachable.

This is not a loss, it’s gaining your freedom

When you come to terms with what has been done to you, which may take some considerable time, you will come to realize that losing the narcissist is not a loss. Far from it, it’s a gain. It’s gaining your freedom and releasing yourself from a toxic fate. You deserve so much more than what this person can ever give you. Close this chapter of your life and start writing the next chapter with people who value you, people who want to see you happy and people who would never obtain any satisfaction from seeing you in pain, knowing they are the cause of your anguish.

Written by Anne McCrea

Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon

Amazon UK

Amazon US

 

Discussion Board

Discussion Board

👄 We know that a narcissist will go to any lengths to win in court.  When it comes to a custody battle with a narcissistic partner, they will go to extreme lengths to prove the mental instability of their ex partner.  Fighting to win a custody battle may not be because they love their children but to hurt their partner one more time.  In such cases lies are common place but it has been brought to my attention that the unlawful administration of drugs may be a practice used by these disordered individuals.  Is this something any of you have come across?  I received the following message from someone on the page.

‘My narcissistic former partner has been paying people to spike me with substances that cause insomnia which leads to me have to admit myself in a psych ward to get some sleep which consequentially means the Family Court won’t allow me to see my kids. I gave met many other women in psych wards that are victims of spiking abuse also but no one will believe us & they assume we are imagining it & are crazy which is our abusers intent. I’ve been trying to find out about this phenomena online & found nothing so I’m curious to know how widespread this form of abuse is & if there is any literature available on this form of abuse.’

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