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Here’s why I stayed

Here’s why I stayed

If this helps just one person I’ll be happy. Thanks to the recent papers what’s happened over the last 2 years that was my sad secret is now there in black and white for everyone to see. So here’s why I stayed. Anyone who would like to share this you’re more than welcome too.

People ask me regularly, ‘why stay Jess?’ Well here’s the answer. When you’re in an abusive relationship any independence is secretly stolen from you. It happens so slyly you don’t even know it has. Your mind is warped into theirs and you find even breathing without their say so difficult.  You’re led in under false pretences, they’re the most charming, kind hearted, loving, thoughtful and amazing person you’ve ever had in your presence but this is the act that gets you stuck there praying to see a glimpse of this man. That man isn’t real. He’s the act they should win an Oscar for. They are the abusive nasty man they pretend not to be and promise you won’t ever have to meet again because YOU are his queen. But sadly you’re not. You’re a victim of this evil man’s abuse and although every time is the last time it never is. They say if you put a frog in hot water it’ll jump out, but if you put a frog in cold water and slowly start to boil it it’ll stay there and die. I was that frog. I’m now on my second court case with the man that abused me because after the first I still believed he could change. I’ve come to realise I’m not the week woman I thought I was I’m just a kind person that believed an abusive man and although I have some very low days even in them I have my freedom now. I know it’s hard to leave and you want them to be the man they worked so hard to convince you they are but they won’t change and it doesn’t get better. That’s my story and that’s why I stayed ❤
A dad who has had enough

A dad who has had enough

I had an ex that is spreading all kinds of lies that I’m a narcissist. She has several issues for one she has mental health issues an all sorts of other health issues. I’m going through a divorce and she started associating with the ex. And ex was telling her everything that happened throughout the whole marriage and started conspiring against me. So I started to realize what’s happening and then she started pulling away from me picking fights over nothing and not speaking for days not touching each other for days and then started accusing me of having an affairs.  Which I wasn’t and I started pulling away from her because she started threatening to kill herself and cursing my children and family members and threatening to physically harm people. And slandering my name and stalking my Facebook page she went as far as contacting all the females on my page and telling them I had Hepatitis C. Which is false I was tested and it was negative. And telling them that we were getting married and stuff like that. And to top it off she went as far as telling me she was pregnant and killed it and had it sucked out and buried it in my back yard. And the worst part of it was that my ex knew about the whole thing and didn’t come forward to authorities about it. And then they’re both talking about me to my children and making me out to be this monster. They cost me my job and pressed charges against me that was falsely accused. Attempted court. So now they’re working together on trying to ruin the rest of my life. And they’re just money hungry because the ex feels she deserves it for all the years we spent together. But the best part of the whole thing is that my ex-wife is having an affairs with my brother while I was at work providing a place for them to live and doing this in front of my child. I offered the ex-wife a large amount of money and pay all the bills and loans off so she wouldn’t have to disrupt my daughter’s life and she refused because I wouldn’t let my brother stay in the house. So she’s living in a trailer with him which is violating a court order. She took everything and cleaned out the bank accounts. And I tried several different times to stop it from going to court. And asked her to stop associating with Anne. She said she hadn’t spoke to her since I asked her not to.  But found out she lied and has been talking to her the whole time. And trying to convince everyone that I’m a narcissist. On your page so I just wanted to let everyone know that it’s not nice to slander someone’s name that has been nothing but trying to do the right thing for my daughter’s best interests. A dad that has enough of the abuse.  Thanks for sharing this
I am proud of myself

I am proud of myself

I want to clear the air on a few topics that are dancing around in my head at the moment.
Deep breath*Ever since I have moved I have had a chance to breathe.
As many of you know my childhood, teen and adult life has not been ideal. Abuse, failed marriage, death of both parents. I’ve had my fair share of heartache.

Anyone who really has the knowledge understands that in abusive relationships the abuser breaks the victim down emotionally and tries moulding them into who they want them to be. That’s what happened! For many years I was a empty shell for filling someone else’s path.

When I left I didn’t know up from down or left from right. I didn’t know who I was or how I was suppose to be.

I have become stronger being up here and I am proud of myself for that! I had to “cut.”

For two years I cut the strings of everything negative in my life. Especially people!!! I had to separate myself from many. Not because of how they were but how I was. A broken girl who couldn’t handle negativity.

I have learned that negativity is toxic.  And to continue building and finding who I am. I plan on continuing this “detox” for myself. I have been super proud of myself for finally stepping away and finding myself.

Who am I? I am someone who has seen the darkest days and never let that effect my heart towards life. I like nature!! Who knew!! Caves, waterfalls, hiking, fishing…. I’ve learned that “Tiffanie” would rather lay in a hammock on top of the mountain then shop! Don’t get me twisted lol I still love shopping lol But being up here has showed me the beauty I have needed to see for so many years.

Before I was a weak woman who wanted others approval. Now……. I am fierce, wiser and stronger!!! 💪 Nice to meet you 😉

💜Also!! Mad props to my hubby for allowing me to grow. Many men should strive to be like you!! You have been so supportive of me throughout this process and I can’t even express how much that means to me after everything I have been through. You are my rock!! 💜 So thank you for holding that mirror in front of me and showing me happiness is what I make it!💜 You have always held my hand and led me to becoming a better “Me” 💜
By Tiffanie Massey
I came from a narcissistic family

I came from a narcissistic family

I am still fighting this battle but it has been an awakening for me so much so that I made a post on this on my site. I’ve read, learnt and gain so much knowledge it’s my duty to share my experience and create even more awareness your page has played a key part in my journey. Thank you.

When I was a little girl my mother used to refer to my Granma and aunts (her in-laws) as “those people” and she still does, little did she knew that  “those people” have a name that’s attached to them they are called Narcissist. I grew up very confused as to why she tried her very best to protect me form those people; after all they are my blood. They called her crazy, I called her crazy. I mean why would my mother separate me from the people I love that took care of me, lavished me with toys and gifts and everything imaginable. Now that I am an adult I find myself fighting the same battles my mother fought when she was my age.

I came from a whole narc family grand ma, dad, and two aunts and if that wasn’t bad enough I went ahead and married a narc!!!! Of course at the time I never heard of the term narcissist or NPD that until I married the narc himself and noticing the red flags. With tremendous amount of research I pieced together the twisted puzzle I was in.

Here’s my description of my NPD husband.
He’s like a volcano always bubbling always ready for eruption it only takes one more vibration and then Boom!! Explosion!!! Then he simmers down, always simmering, always bubbling over the edge eagerly ready and waiting to explode again. It’s the etching away of yourself overtime if they become successful you will be  left, broken, exhausted beyond belief, complete loss of true self.

There is hope, I am living proof you can overcome. I have completely gone no contact with my narc family I haven’t divorced my husband yet, however I have implemented strict strategies to detatch myself from him and I am able to still keep my sanity.

I am reaching out to other wives that’s tied down to their narc husbands and family members. Low contact or no contact is the ultimate goal but when it’s not possible we must support and learn their tactics and implement strategies of our own. I hope I can be source of hope to anyone who hears my story.

This chapter is over

This chapter is over

Hello, I had my divorce trial against my narcissist the other day. Of course he lied in court. I’m grateful my attorney had all the evidence to refute his claims. The judge saw through his performance as well. She granted me sole custody. He has one day a month of supervised visitations, has to pay all of my attorney’s fees and back pay on child support. We can only communicate through my family wizard. I still feel something inside me saying he will still try something and feel terrified because of all of the past abuse. But I would like you to post this anonymously to please let your followers know that these evil narcs are not all as smart as they think and they don’t always win. He was also convicted of a crime he committed against me… I prayed long and hard… This has taken years… But my divorce is final and this chapter is over.
She was never really a friend

She was never really a friend

Losing a good friend is always difficult. Losing a friend with the realisation that the person was never really your friend at all is devastating. It’s a double whammy in the loss of friendship that you valued dearly and the gradual reveal of what that person really was. I’ve spent way too many hours now on the internet trying to make sense of my experience and want to share my story for two main reasons. Firstly, most stories of abusive relationships on the web assume a role of partner, not platonic friendship and I would have liked to read about other people’s experiences when the words emotional abuse first appeared on my radar and then secondly, given that no closure will ever be given by my former ‘friend’, I’m hoping that by retelling the story I can do this for myself.

It wasn’t an instant bond that developed. I met this person and liked them but didn’t really spend a lot of time with until several months after we met at an evening class. There was a little group of us that used to meet up and socialise together and I enjoyed the company. The special individual attention then got focused on me with many nights out arranged, almost daily chats on the phone and an eagerness to spend time with me that I found touching at the time.  I now realise that this was all part of the assessment process to see if I would make good supply or not. Very quickly from being part of a group, the friendship became more intense and exclusive. My suggestions to invite others along were rejected as it being better fun ‘just the two of us’ and I was flattered, sadly. Having recently lost my best friend of many years to cancer some months before, I can now see how ripe for the picking I was. It felt great to have a ‘best friend’ again. Someone who was always happy to see me, make plans at short notice, never say they were too busy and yet…sometimes I had a funny feeling in my gut. Some of her stories didn’t always add up, some of them even sounded a bit unlikely and then the recounting of her terrible childhood, in the middle of a busy pub, with tears appearing then disappearing again almost as fast as I comforted her, and said how sad it was to hear all this.  But I submerged those feelings of doubt as me just being over analytical.
The thing about manipulative behaviour is that it is stealthy. You don’t go from being adored to devalued overnight. It is more sly and subtle so you don’t realise how your position has changed to always being in need of some correction, ‘too sensitive,’ ‘too quick to overreact,’ ‘can’t take a joke,’ ‘the most sensitive of any of her friends ever.’  Actually there were no other friends in evidence. I was much struck by this but the answer was that many of them had just lost touch over the years. One other name got mentioned but only in very derogatory terms. How she had been a good friend but had changed and now was just a user, was guaranteed to spoil a night out with negativity and she probably should just cut her out of her life. No surprise that the last time I saw my ex friend socially, she was sitting next to this woman at the pub.

The selfish, inconsiderate behaviour increased. Always late, never sorry, increasingly critical, demanding of my time, high expectations of what I should do but favours never reciprocated, not the person I first met who told me how much we had in common and what close friends we were.  Phone calls went unanswered, plans got cancelled on the day last minute.  And all under the veil of me being too sensitive if I reacted in any negative way to this. She would ‘toughen me up’ to do me a favour!!

She asked once ‘what has happened to the easy going, cheerful person I used to know?’ and I accepted this, although a bit puzzled and apologised for being a bit stressed from work, even though I didn’t think I had been. This is the effect she had on me. She was so confident and had this air of always being right I assumed I must have been what she said I was. It’s like a subtle form of brain washing where you lose sight of the actual facts to the version they tell you.
The last time we arranged to go out, she cancelled just as I was leaving the house to meet her. I’m an easy-going, placid kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt (perfect target really!) but that day I had enough and told her so in no uncertain terms. Her reaction was astounding. Screaming at me about who did I think I was, did I think I had some control over her, how dare I and how this was all too much for her but with a lot of swear words in there too! That was effectively the end of the friendship although I didn’t realise that at the time. I tried so hard to make amends, to sort things out and build a bridge for the sake of the friendship I believed we could re-establish.  I know, mind-blowing even reading that myself! Her reaction was aloof and icy cold. I had suggested meeting up for a chat. She ignored my text for days then said she might consider it but was too busy at the moment. I felt totally bewildered that someone who a matter of months ago was professing how happy she was to be my friend was behaving like this. Then I discovered the concept of an emotionally abusive relationship on the internet and the rest began to fall into place. I gave it one last shot after a few weeks of silence. I regret doing so now but at the time it felt so important to try, in case I had got it wrong about what I thought she was. There was no warmth there, no acceptance that her behaviour had been even a bit inconsiderate, it was all my fault and she’ had never had a problem with anyone like this before.’
Last time I saw her was at a birthday party of a mutual friend. I felt very nervous about having to see her. She totally ignored me whilst making a massive fuss of the people I was with, hugging them all and saying how great it was to see them (not having made any effort to see any of them for over a year) I felt angry and hurt but managed to hide it. In fact, I felt a surge of power from within and decided I would go and speak to her to not allow her to treat me like that. She was quick to blame me for the friendship failing , saying I’m ‘vindictive’ which is so far from the truth that I burst out laughing, but I now also know is just projection. Within five minutes of saying this, she was suggesting we meet up for a chat and a coffee the next day. This didn’t happen as I realised it would be a very bad move and I declined the offer politely. And so that is it. Radio silence and I’m glad.

To anyone out there going through a similar experience, it hurts, it is unbelievably hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone who allegedly cared so much for you could treat you like this. Other people won’t understand the depth of your hurt unless they have lived through a similar experience. They can’t as none of it is comprehensible through ‘normal’ eyes. This is just a snapshot of the relationship.  In hindsight all the red flags were there from the beginning but it didn’t seem that clear cut at the time.  I realised something helpful that last time I spoke to my ex friend though – she really is just a child in a grown up’s body, lashing out, acting superior, trying to protect herself from her own feelings of inferiority and hurt. I don’t know if she is narcissistic, sociopathic, a combination of the two or just manipulative and emotionally abusive but I’m realising it shouldn’t matter as she was toxic to me and I need to ensure I don’t ever involve myself with someone like her again.

Everything in our relationship centred around him

Everything in our relationship centred around him

My ex and I dated for 18 months. And although that is just a short amount of time, we were in a crazy, whirlwind romance that started quickly and moved fast. The red flags were there from the beginning, after only a week of dating I found nude photos on his phone from a woman he claimed was ‘just a friend’. In addition to the nude photos, he constantly told her how much he loved her. All of this while she was married with two kids. That was the first red flag. When confronted with this information he stormed out of my house, he left. He came back to talk to me about it and I fell for his lines immediately. Narcissists are charming and use their words wisely. After that the hits just kept on coming. One night while driving home from dinner, about 1 month into our relationship, he asked me if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him right now. I said no, that we had only been dating for a month. He turned into a man I had never seen before, he told me that it was over, that if I couldn’t say yes to him right then that we had no business being together because he was looking for someone who didn’t question anything. I should have known right there and ran for the hills.

This is how things continued for us for a while. He would have too much to drink at a fourth of July party and leave our house saying “this isn’t working, I’m going to get a hotel room, I can’t do this.” I never knew what set him off or why he stormed out, but one thing he always did was come back. And one thing I always did was let him. He left about three or four more times after that, always coming back the next day. This was usually fuelled by alcohol. Along with this I dealt with him always texting or Facebook messaging other women. He was a heavy flirt, constantly pouring attention on to any woman that would give it back to him. He always told them inappropriate things like “if I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go to bed alone.” He always told me I was overreacting or didn’t know what I was talking about when I would finally get nosey enough and look through his phone. He was very protective over his phone, changing the password, not letting me use his phone if I forgot mine, etc.

Everything in our relationship cantered around him, we did what he wanted to do, he did what he wanted to do, and he very rarely joined in on family activities or anything that involved my family at all. Getting him to take a trip to see my sister was like pulling teeth, and it being brought up usually resulted in an argument. He worked from early morning to evening, I’d cook dinner, he would eat dinner and usually fall asleep on the couch. Very rarely did he help with cooking or cleaning or anything that involved our house. I would pay all the bills with my check and then have to ask him for money to pitch in, which would also usually result in a fight. He would throw some money at the problem but he never even knew how much the rent was or how much the water bill was. I pulled more than my fair share of the weight, it was always me putting in all the effort and him putting in none. And anytime I tried to bring any of this up it resulted in a fight and him storming out to go get drunk and returning home at 2 a.m. with “I’m so sorry,” and “I love you so much.” I walked on eggshells a lot of the time because I hated the fights. He always made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.

He was also very inappropriate with his ex-girlfriend. He told me from the beginning that he was friends with his ex, and I thought that that was very mature and respectable. Little did I know that he was actually very much obsessed with his ex, they told each other they loved each other still, and they were in constant contact. He would delete messages or texts so that I didn’t see them, make up reasons to see or call her like he needed to order more Advocare from her or that he was going out to the bar that she works at with his buddies after a day of working on the ranch. The first time we broke up was because of her, and his actions with a few other women. I moved out of our house and into my own, and within 5 days he had another woman staying with him. Again he claimed they were just friends and he was helping her move. We ended up getting back together and after this. He swore he loved me and things were different this time, he knew the mistakes he made and he promised to fix them. He said he would distance himself from his ex-girlfriend, but always told me that she was a big part of his life and that they would always be friends. I of course fell for every word, and for a while he was different.

Things were good for a bit. Really good. It got me thinking that he had changed, that it was different this time. But the monster emerged once again after a few months. He started talking to other woman again, he never put any distance between him and his ex, and he started acting strange towards me. Distant, not texting or calling as much, not very interested or talkative at all. At this point in our relationship he had started working in North Dakota, which was 5 hours away from home. He was gone for at least 10 days at a time and home for a week. We made this decision so that we could start saving money and pay off some bills. Shortly after going back to North Dakota, I could tell something had shifted in him. He came home for Thanksgiving, spent the entire night talking to other women on his phone, and when I confronted him he stormed out. The next day he returned to his job and told me that he was ending our relationship. This was November of 2016. We ended our relationship on December 5th of that year.

Since that point, up until very recently, things escalated to a very out of control point with him. After breaking up with me I heard everything under the sun – from “I’m scared of commitment,” to “I’m not sure if this is what I want out of life,” to “I want to beg for your forgiveness and beg for another chance, but I’m not going to,” and “I still love you and want you back.” Of course, every time I tried to talk to him about the things he said he would tell me I blew everything out of proportion or took something out of context. It was always my fault for misinterpreting everything. He took full responsibility for why our relationship didn’t work out, saying nothing was my fault, it was all his, but he uses that to make himself look better for his female friends. He says it’s all his fault, but then he doesn’t want to talk further about it with anyone or discuss any specifics. He kept me hanging on with texts and calls like this until he started seeing someone else two months after we broke up. He then proceeded to tell me that he is going to treat her right and not make any of the same mistakes with her as he made with me. He said he knows exactly what to do now, and he learned that from our relationship. It was like taking a bullet. We fought and fought through text message and over the phone, I’d tell him that he was just going to hurt her too, and he told me “no I’m not, I really like her, I’m going to be good.” Finally I had had enough, I blocked his number for the first time after that. Four days later he and that woman broke up, and I got a knock at my door. It was him, of course. He told me that the last woman was just a mistake and that they are just friends who decided they were going to date one night after a drunk night at the bar. He said they were just good friends. He told me that he still had really strong feelings for me that would just not go away, and he wondered if there was ever a possibility of us working things out in the future after we build a foundation of civility and friendship. We discussed this idea for a while, but when I told him that we needed to compromise and find some common ground, that this couldn’t be all his way or the highway, he told me it wouldn’t work and that we just needed to go our separate ways. Then we would talk about it some more, and I would tell him that if we were going to do this it was with the goal of fixing what was broken between us and that he needed to not be talking to other woman romantically while we worked on things. Of course he didn’t like this idea at all, he wanted to keep me around as a friend while he figured out what he wants, and I told him that was not going to happen. I just recently found out that he is still staying with the woman he dated for four days, of course he claims they are just friends and that she lets him stay at her apartment when he isn’t at work. I feel bad for this woman because I know exactly what she is getting into, I know that he is just using her for a place to stay, and that this cycle of abuse will continue with him with every woman that he meets. He told me that he was unhealthy with me, but he is capable of being healthy in another relationship with another woman.

Two nights ago he showed up at my house at 2 a.m., drunk, after calling me 14 times. He said he wanted to talk about us. We talked until 5 in the morning, but it was like a broken record with me saying the same things and him repeating his idea that he wants “friendship and civility” from me. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, then told me the next day that he meant he “has love for me” not that he is “in love with me.” Of course our conversation got nowhere, and after he tried to get me to sleep with him I told him he had to leave. He got mad and threw something, then told me he was going to stay at the other woman’s house for the rest of the week. The next day he told me that she is his girlfriend. He admitted that keeping me hanging on was wrong, that this was unhealthy and that we needed to just go our separate ways. I told him that I agree, confronted him with the fact that I think he is narcissistic, emotionally abusive, a pathological liar, and his drinking escalates that and makes him out of control. He of course denies it all, and says that it was me who made him unhealthy.

This morning I told him that if he shows up at my house and 2 a.m. again that I would be calling the police, and I blocked his number. Being in love with somebody like this is the most exhausting, challenging, cruel things I have ever experienced in my life. I am drained, I am nervous all the time, I am almost an empty shell of the person that I was before I met him. He spun every situation into something different, told me I took things out on context or didn’t know what I was talking about, he made me crazy. And I acted crazy too. This situation is crazy making.  He lies, he manipulates, he uses. And he has already moved on to someone else. I know this process for me will be long and tedious, but I know that I need to keep the no contact going. I also know that this is probably no the last time I hear from him and am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be tough enough to not fall back into this trap. It’s a long, very painful, very emotional process.
Why does a warm, loving person end up a shattered tortured soul?

Why does a warm, loving person end up a shattered tortured soul?

Have you ever sat alone and wondered “where are they?” The people like yourself, a community that shares your thoughts, your beliefs your love and honesty?

It seems you spend most of your life trying to understand the past with the expectation that an insight into who you are and how you respond to this world it will follow.

Why does an attractive, intelligent, warm, loving, giving person end up a shattered tortured soul afraid of so many things?

Would you not expect that this soul should have peace, love and support?

No it seems.

This is the story of a woman who’s only ‘failing’ was to be too understanding, too loving, too giving to the point of virtually giving away her soul to try and help another.

A woman who has seen, felt, endured, tolerated and nearly crumbled under the weight of abuse on all levels, physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual.

A very young woman who’s fear is how that she will not live for very long because of the final betrayal of her body which through so tremendous emotional torture has become a self-manifesting time bomb.  She has developed a potentially life threatening condition which to exacerbate the situation can receive no conclusive help.

The medical profession shuns her, as they do not want to take responsibility for their errors, rather than throw a buoy to a very frustrated, emotionally damaged yet absolutely rational human being.  They choose to compound her weakened state: –   Why is it when you’re down all the crud comes knocking on your door?

Personally I believe everything we are given we can handle and many a life lessons contained within.  However that’s easy to say when you’ve reach the other side of hell.  It’s the parallel universe it seems.

How powerful our minds are with equal ability to create or destroy!

I see her sitting alone on her balcony long into the early morning hours as sleep is elusive at best.  Those hours are spent creating pieces of amazing beauty and skill.  They surround her, considered her support, her friends and confidents.  Which have now deserted her.  Whilst yes they obviously we’re not genuine friends or persons of strength to hold a hand of a survivor of abuse.

That label makes people feel dirty, afraid and uncomfortable.  If none the less, it yet again reaffirms the emphasis of their world into this hurt and confused sail.

As she sits there night after night asking the stars in the sky, “where are you”?  I’d like her to know we are here, when you are ready.
She fought until the last moment of her life

She fought until the last moment of her life

Ammi Maa Mom. All my life, I witnessed my mother endure so much pain and I tried my best to push her to stand up for herself. But the love she had for my father made her strong and weak at the same time. The pain and suffering she endured did not matter to her. She took it all. I am the oldest in my family and I saw things that none of my siblings ever saw or could comprehend at such a young age. She married my father at the age of sixteen and that day she stopped living for herself. She spent every inch of herself on her husband and in-laws without hesitating. Very well knowing that those people will never appreciate her care. Every effort she made for them was in vain. She was abused in ways most women cannot survive. But she did. Being married so young, all she knew was love and that’s all she gave them. And in return, all she got was abuse. They used her in ways that would appal a human mind. But sadly, it is considered ‘normal’ to treat a wife and daughter-in-law in such behaviour and conduct in third world countries. She was kind and honest. She was brave and humble. Such qualities are to be treasured but instead her husband and his family mistreated her. She gave birth to eight children and she raised them alone with no help from anyone. Nobody cared for her as she cared for her children. Where she got all that endless love and care from, I as a mother can see now. She was deprived of many things and she fought everyone so her children won’t be. She wanted to study but she could not afford it. She fought for her kids to be educated. She wanted them to have a better life and choices so they wouldn’t have to struggle like she did. In my 37 years of life, I have never seen a woman that strong. A woman who would take a beating so her children can sleep without wounds. A woman who never once showed her scars to anybody. A woman who fought for her children until her last breath. A woman who never complained. If you ever met her, you wouldn’t be able to tell that she was a victim. The kind of person she was, she dug a well inside of herself and poured all of her pain and misery in it. Mom always said God knows best and God will take care of it. If I ever start writing a book about her, it will be in volumes. Her greatness was unspeakable. Her fight was unheard of. She was incredibly talented. You name a skill, and she knew it. Nobody taught her anything, she was self-taught. She cooked the most delicious food. People made excuses to come over so they can enjoy her food. She sewed beautiful frocks for us. She raised 6 daughters with so much care and love. She dressed us so gracefully. Every event she went; people would complement her elegance. She loved to learn new things. She loved to read. She could read one digest (Urdu novels) after digest and never get bored. She was the type of person who would get along with anyone. Everyone who ever met her always loved her company. She taught us many things. She taught us sabar (patience). With the abuse she went through every day, yet she was so loving and forgiving. I have never seen a woman go through what she went through and it taught me a lot. Now that she is gone, I can’t help but speak up. Abuse is a sickness; it has no cure. Some people are stuck, believing that they cannot get out of the abusive loop. They need help. Please help yourself and your loved ones if you experience any kind of abuse. My mother loved him more than she loved anyone and to stand up to him, she could not do it alone. And when she finally could, her health gave up on her. She still fought until the very last moment of her life. For me, she is my superwoman. Mother, I will always be proud of you for raising us with every inch of your being. I will always be proud of your willingness to fight through any struggle in life. Thank you mother. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me what a loving mother can do. Thank you for inspiring me to be a strong willed woman in this world. Thank you for being my mother. I have loved you since I gained conscious of myself and I will love you till the last of my own days.
My Story… 

My Story… 

Four weeks into my healing process after breaking up with what was supposed to be the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with…
But that is a fairy tale really…
As soon as four months into the relationship I have been dealing with numerous red flags.
One year later I ran away afraid of being hit.
Another four months later after another attempt…  I broke all bonds for my own well-being.
Social Media, phone, WhatsApp…  All lines of contact have been blocked.
And the thing that really makes me angry, I am a trained health professional, knowledgeable about disorders, aware of red flags…and I let it happen.
Because that is what you do when you love someone.
Sometimes they do little things you don’t like…and you forgive them.
They love you and it won’t happen again…  Right?
Wrong…
Unfortunately in real life a narcissistic character is not able to love, not able to show empathy, not able to comprehend the basics of how to treat people respectfully.
What makes a narc tick is how you make him/her feel better by your actions.
Unconditional love is something alien for a narc…no surprise I never got an ‘I love you’ over two years.
Intimacy is a way of payment, if you behave ‘good’ (read: as long you make them feel good) they will shower you with warmth.
If your actions do not follow up to their standards they give you the silent treatment as way of punishment, you are expected to crawl back…
And apologize…
Because understandably the victim is the cause of every conflict in the relationship…not the narcissist.
On a regular basis, I have been belittled, called out names, my intelligence and beauty trampled on and never got one apology.
Same goes for others.
Narc’s often have a long line of past relationships…all failed due to lack of competence from the other.
With everything that does not happen the way the narc wants, there is someone else at fault.
Does not get a promotion…surely his boss has not seen how amazing he is and made an error.
Does not perform on professional tests for certification…surely the examiner set him up to fail.
And so on…the narcissist is always the victim in every situation.
It even goes so far that if you talk or want to start a serious conversation…you are at fault for giving them a headache.
You can see how that kind of life style is detrimental for a good relationship.  Living with a narcissist is living in an actual rollercoaster soap opera.
Aside to that I was slowly slipping in social isolation.
He checked my every movement, no phone call or text was to be answered late without drama.
Personal free time or spending time with friends was an insult to him.
After a night out with friends he actually made an ad on a dating site seeking female friends because his girlfriend prefers spending time with others…
Not even mentioned the extensive need of validation narcissists seek in the other gender.
My narc was a pathological liar when it came to other women.
He had steady contact with about four women behind my back, when confronted he lashes out in a huge verbally abusive temper, what nerve I got meddling with affairs that did not concern me.
No surprise that when given an ultimatum, me or others…he chose the frivolous life he is so attached to.
And for the good
After all, I was expected to invest in his dream house (financially), his dream job (dreams of being self-employed) and his dream life.
He had no means for that, can barely hold a job and has barely worked in two years.
And I was not to expect anything in return…gold digger is what comes to mind.
Even knowing I have been emotionally and verbally abused the last sixteen months.
It does not stop the hurt or pain, your love never really answered…it leaves its damage.
One should think that the knowledge of being abused creates a faster healing process…faster forgetting.
I wish that were true…that is the emotional hold the narc has over people.
Today I found a note, a note I wrote six months ago.
Points I tried to talk about with him the last time I agreed to give it another go…what was I thinking trying to reason with him?
Seeing it back I am overwhelmed with the feeling: nothing new here, look at what you wrote down so long ago…get over it, stop thinking about how much you loved him.
Today writing about…helps me one step further into the healing process.
And one day, when the tears have dried up…I will be stronger.
Your site is a welcome source for people dealing with this, keep up the good work.