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This isn’t love

This isn’t love

This isn’t love – silly girl. Tears and fear. That’s what you call love? Yeah, so he bought you a dozen roses after that last fight. He got you a new pair of shoes that he chose for you. Not your style, not at all. But you wore them anyway. Remember when he made you go change your hair because you looked like a skunk and there was no way he’d be seen with you in public looking like that. The day his ex’s picture hung from your fridge and you begged for it to be removed. He told you she was more beautiful than you. Love? This is love to you? That laugh… remember that laugh when you asked if the girl on tv was prettier than you? The comments after that made you realize never to ask such a thing again. Pushed to floor at seven months. He didn’t mean too push so hard. If you weren’t top heavy you wouldn’t never have fallen. The excuses… oh why did you believe them all? The pink pants and new sweater from your mother-in-law… you loved that outfit. Remember how it got torn? The day he kicked you out and you weren’t leaving fast enough. The push down a stair then he grabbed that sweater so you wouldn’t fall more. He saved you. Right? That is love. Wait… who pushes those they love? Who pushes them down the stairs? The bruise to your arm… not a big deal. The cut on your face when he got carried away. Oh who cares… but what about the bruises on your babies head? Who protected him? Oh that’s right… it was justified. The excuses. You believed them all. It really wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t what it looked like. Still think this is okay? This is love…? He says it is, so it must be. Every excuse and reason no matter how crazy or silly they seem… You believe him… it all happened his way. Marriage was the cure. That would fix it all. Right? Oh goodness girl. What were you thinking? Night one… big fight and he tore up that marriage licence. Oh wait remember the fight before the wedding? How he made you plead and beg… Not sure now what exactly was said that day… but no one should ever feel like that. Name calling. Swearing. Yelling. That is what you call love? Movie nights…romantic and sweet, right? Not even close. Those were always something you feared. Falling alseep wasn’t allowed because if you did so you would get pushed to the floor. Waking up as your falling. Oh those were the days. People have it so much worse. This is true. He really is a great guy and can be so sweet. Maybe so. Together though… you both deserve so much more. Separation. Dating. Been there. Together again. Everything is better, right? Name calling doesn’t happen nearly as often. Curfews will always be there. Phone calls. Oh so many to see where you are. Don’t be late or it will still be a fight. He’d never lay a hand on you that’s a fact. But the silent treatments that last for days. The yelling. Oh it still hurts. He loves you. This is so. Wait? Love… is this love? Remember when you wanted a baby? He agreed to try but only if you repaid him every single time you’d try. He needed something in return for…whatever he wanted. Oh girl. Explain yourself again. You are not just a joke. You are stronger… oh so much stronger than you think….


I’ve been used and abused most of my life

I’ve been used and abused most of my life

I’m in my 30s and was raised by a narcissist. If we didn’t give in to or do what she wanted such as give her our attention, admiration, acts of service or if she couldn’t use us and benefit from our success she would turn on us by trying to fight. She would cause arguments and make us seem like villains.
I’ve experienced her using her emotions/her position as a bio parent to manipulate us. She makes it hard for any of her kids to honour or respect her because it’s one of the golden rules for a successful life, this narc knows that! She never raised any of her kids and drank through all nine of her pregnancies.
Later in life I experienced the lack of no parental healthy bonds which set me up for failures, lack of self love, respect and seeking love in the wrong places from drugs to partying and weak negative choices in guys. From age 21 – 32 my experience with negative men was the result of unresolved childhood trauma from my narcissistic mom. Basically, I didn’t know I was crazy or my soul needed healing from past trauma and from ex narcissistic husband who even said that he only wanted to use me. He was mentally abusive, emotionally abusive, financially abusive, spiritually abusive and physically abusive with me a few times, all during the 7-10 yr relationship. When I finally left, boy did he work his butt off to make me look cruel and placed all blame on me. Before him my credit was ok. After him I’m paying more with still 5 repos & 2 evictions on my credit because all he did was sit and watch me struggle and probably laughed in his heart. What both past narcissists have in common is that they’re now elders and still haven’t changed and never will. If so it’s before or on their death.
I’ve never been truly loved and I don’t know what it looks like and I’ve never seen or had any true long healthy relationships yet, but despite this I’ve loved myself enough not to tolerate being everyone’s doormat. I’ve been negatively used and abused most of my life and lied to but I don’t go around and treating other’s that way!
One of the many God Given Graces!!

She caused my biological mum to lose her legal rights

She caused my biological mum to lose her legal rights

My narc was not an ex-partner or a parent. She was my “gaurdian”. She was so talented in her manipulative abilities, she caused my biological mother to lose legal rights to me and my 3 siblings while we were between the ages of 10 and 15.

In order to provide context, I need to give the back story, I’ll keep as breif as possible but it is a long one.

Essentially my mum was the family black sheep, the scapegoat throughtout her entire childhood. When speaking out against childhood abuse, she was ostracized from her family. The narc (my mum’s sister) used this opportunity to frame her as a liar.

After a failed suicide attempt, my mum moved away from her family and in her early 20’s, (unfortunately) met my dad. He kidnapped, raped and beat her for 5 years. He physically abused my siblings and I, and sexually abused one of my siblings. A local church was concered about our family’s wellbeing and undertook a recuse mission to save us from my dad.

We then moved interstate, back to my mums biological family.
Despite my mum having been through hoffic truama, they already had a preconceived (albeit false) idea of my mum being a liar and crying wolf about abuse. However, the evidence of us children being abused was indisputable (hense investiagtion reports to back it up).

So they basically just expected my traumatized and abuse surviving mother to take on the role of a full time working, single mum of 4 broken children. Once she began fulfilling this role, it’s like everyone just forgot (extreme denial), about the unimaginable abuse my mum suffered and expected life to just go on as normal.

After giving her absolute best efforts for 15 years, my mum reached a breaking point. She had a nervous break down. Not only had her previous (childhood and marital) abuse caught up with her, but her narc sister had succesfully isolated her from any form of support.

Jumping on this opportunity, my covert narcisisstic aunty fought for legal gaurdianship of one of my siblings and me. After a year long battle in the family court system, she won. She had everyone fooled.

Suddenly she had the perfect narrative set; her as a saviour of my sister and me. She spun this story so convincingly that to this day, our mutual church community believes her to be the good guy. There is nothing quite as dangerous as a religious, covert narcissist who is so far gone yet so tactial, she may never be truly found out.

Her becoming my gaurdian was life-altering. At the time, she spun the story that my mum had ‘abandoned’ me. I felt like I had just found out my whole life was a lie.

How’s this for extreme projection? She framed my mum as having narcsisstic personality disorder. This is how I first came to discover NPD. I was so oblivious, I believed her. She turned everybody against my mum, including her own children and also my mum and aunties parents.

The last few years were a rollercoaster for me. I’ve been in ongoing therapy for depression, anxiety and complex PTSD. I met my now husband and moved out from her care. I also have my own child.

The pleathera of extensive damage to my emotional and mental wellbeing from early childhood abuse, made me the perfect victim for her gaslighting. She had me and many around her, believing that I was deadset crazy.

As if the following weren’t hard enough;

1. Completing my senior year at high school as one of the highest achieving students in the state, despite my battle with mental illness. She was clearly jealous (she didn’t finish school), so she emotionally abused me to the point that I believed that I was stupid and lazy (regarless of undeniable acheivements to the contrary). She completely downplayed my success.

2. Attempting to move out of home once I was 18. She succesfully manipulated the person whose house I needed to move into, so it took 5 months of relentlessly trying to leave before I could. That didn’t stop her over-bearing need for control though. She would check that I was paying rent etc. (Despite the fact she lived with this person rent free for a decade).

3. Planning a wedding with her as my mother figure. She was obviously extremely insecure about her role in my life and was therefore very jealous of my true biological mum and my mother in law to be. Planning my wedding was hell. She ruined so much of it. Thankfully my husband and I place more importance on the marriage, rather than the day itself (we still managed to enjoy our day).

So after years of events and life-milestones that she destoryed, the breaking point? Me having a child.

I could feel the dynamics changing throughout my pregnancy. She was going to be playing a grandparent role and I was nervous of her over bearing and controlling nature. My mother bear hormones were on guard and I started to set boundaires. She noticed the power shift instanaentlousy. I needed to protect my daughter. At this stage I didn’t know she was a narc.

Unfortunately, my labour had emergmecy complications and my baby girl ended up in the neonatal intensive care unit, intubated as she couldn’t even breathe on her own. This obviously (and dare I say, reasonably), delayed people being able to meet my daughter.

This clearly didn’t meet the expectations of how my Narc wanted this to go (for her). She was angry that she didn’t get to come straight to the hospital and meet my daughter. Let’s just ignore the fact, that I myself STILL hadn’t had the chance yet to meet my OWN, sick daughter.

During the hardest week of my life, while my first born child was in special care, my Narc turned my family of origin agaist me. Sadly, many years ago, a member of my family lost their child a few days after birth. The parents wished they had the opportunity for family to have met him. Unfathomably, my Narc used this to guilt trip me with and manipulate my family against me. She used this devastation within my family (along with other’s infertility etc.) as ammunition to destroy me. She also needed to go to these lengths to avoid being caught out for her disgustingly abusive behaviour that occured during that week.

So as a young, broken woman, when I needed support more than ever, I was judged and alienated “for how poorly I managed” that situation.

The saving grace? My wonderful husband and mother in law (MIL). Thankfully, the family I married are so supportive, that I haven’t lost everyone. The downside for them is that because they have sided with me, my Narc (succesfully) started a smear campaign against them. When my MIL stood up for me and her son, my Narc twisted my MIL’s (justified) reaction as abuse. We would all rather have our reputation shattered than have to be involved with this Narc.

This has all occured in the last few months (my baby is not even 4 months old yet). During this time, I found out that my gaurdian (supposed saviour) was my Narc. My reailty has been shifted once again. When I thought my life was all a lie before, well THAT was the lie.

Another bonus is that I have finally got to reconnect with ny biological mum. I believe everything that she’s been trying to say for several decades now. While I can’t make up for her sad and unfair past, at least I can give her a hopeful future. She gets her daughter back in her life, she gets to be believed and she gets to be a grandmother.

So here I am now, ZERO contact with my Narc since her being exposed. I’m about to face Christmas which will be the first time our paths have crossed in months (I’m nervous).

I am on the slow road to recovery. I see a psychiatrist, psychologist, doctor and I am on medication. My focus in therapy is no longer; childhood abuse and associated truama (flashbacks), self-harm and sucidual tendicies, panic attacks or being a first time mum. My focus in theray is healing from the damage my Narc has done to me. I am a shell of who I was but I will heal. If not for me, for my daughter.

Sorry this is such a long story, but it’s the only place I feel safe to share. To anybody else, it sounds too messed up to be true. The only people that could believe the unimaginable are other Narc survivors.



To dance with the devil was my destiny

To dance with the devil was my destiny

Childhood was dark and extremely traumatic. I witnessed things no child should ever see. I was in year 5 when I had my first anxiety attack. I went through life hiding my nerves. I was so self conscious and timid I was afraid.

My father was abusive in just about every way. The onslaught of verbal abuse was relentless every day. Occasionally he’d flip and we would all wear bruises for a few days.

My mother took the brunt of his abuse, we would hide in our beds pretending to sleep. We knew the sounds, a slap meant black eyes a thud was bruised ribs the sound of her being choked. We didnt need to see it the sounds told us all. We knew what we would wake to see the next morning.

My mother the victim, she passed it on. In ways she never knew were wrong. She screamed at us from the moment we awoken. Poor mum she was always so broken.

We had a sacred place where we were all free. At night to us children she would read. We would huddle and listen to her story telling. She bought the book to life, she was always so animated so happy and free. This time of night we were a family. Dad stayed away! Fear was forgotten we were free to enjoy life.

I was a teen when my mother fled the scene. We were abandoned she needed to leave. She was tired torn and beaten. She just vanished one night, never came home from work. Dad called the police it was terrifying. Seeing them search her belongs checking her clothes looking for signs of her wanting to leave.

Her picture was in the papers and on the tv. She had vanished no one had seen. 4 days later the police came again. They told dad to prepare for the worst she had vanished without a trace. Rumors flooded the little town of her leaving with a stranger that evening.

Dad tracked her down, found her hiding with friends. I’ll never forget it was the only time I had seen him cry. He hugged me and gave permission to shed a tear. Father, brother, sisters and I went to see her in another state.I’ll never forget when we had to choose. Stay with mum or return home with dad. The boys left the girls stayed.

I felt abandoned I felt betrayed. As much as I wanted to I just couldn’t stay. Dad needed someone to help him through these dark gloomy days.

For some reason I’ll never understand they tried again and we were family let’s play pretend. Our days were bleak we wanted this no more. A few years later he finally walked out the door.

I was lost destroyed I couldn’t take anymore. I began to write about demons in the night. I grew my hair I wore a cap. I hid my face. I never wanted anyone to look into my eyes and see the pain inside.

I was just a boy I was 17 my world was dark and gloomy. I had no direction no desire to be. Along comes my angel she was here to save me. The year was 1993.

Her presence was glorious, she was amazing. She was to much for someone like me. Something drew her to me. Some of my pain I allowed her to see but never the demon lurking within me.

Typical teens we lived in each others pockets. I learned so much about her, I found her deepest darkest pockets. A father who didn’t care and a mother who struggled living on welfare.

My story and pain I never did share. I couldn’t because I couldn’t recall what was there. My mind so black, memories blank. Like scratch art a few lines of color were all I could see. The darkness so empty my mind tricked me.

We were 21 we got engaged. For some reason I lost my identity. I was now her fiance, I was no longer me. Inside me I felt so empty. A pain a misery I began fighting each day. My demons fed on this rage.

I dare not speak of my feelings so bleak. I was so tired. My feelings and insecurities dismissed. I looked for alternatives, the demons I kissed. My emotions I buried, I dismissed.

My demons take over, an outburst of rage! They would break free, of their cage. My worst nightmareI was now living. My existence I begin questioning.

The guilt would eat me alive, tryng to make it up I’d strive. This was the cycle for years to come. My demons lurking bringing me undone.

I fell into depression, such a horrible retrogression. I was isolated myself, I felt I had no worth. My baby doesn’t love me she won’t hold and hug me. I struggle to the couch and sit there. Finally she comes to me, my tears were there for all to see. I swore never again! My bike was no longer my friend.

As I fell into a see of black. The love of my life on me she turned her back. Distracted with her own thoughts of marriage a surprise wedding she planned. In her mind this was to be so grand.

I’ll never forget that day walking in to that room. TV camera in my face a radio DJ and all asssume. I had no choice I didn’t know what to say. I said sure yeah I love her why not ok.

As I walk through the room filled with people all here for her on this day. My dad I abuse telling him they have betrayed. I suit up so we can wed that day.

My anxiety goes nuts, with my new ring I play. No speach prepared I didn’t know what to say. The words came out I felt so stupid and useless that day. My dream wedding taken away. My mother and sisters absent.

I sat at the bar with my best mate who refused to be my best man. We drank really fast, my emotions he tried to calm. He could see the storm brewing within. He knew my demons were lurking.

On our wedding night I gave her a fright. I told her she had betrayed that day. From that moment I began to decay. I isolated myself I ignored my phone. I would say no don’t visit I wont be home.

For 8 years I hid in this virtual place. I found someone new, with her I hope a new love to replace. I planned my escape, I was out the door. Boxing day we would be no more. Christmas day I lay in bed then the wife’s voice messes with my head. Merry Christmas I’m pregnant. The new found friend I never went and met.

My world was no more, my heart was torn my heart pierced by such a big thorn. I built with rage I was trapped stuck inside a cage.

I stay at home and care for my son. Its during this time with him I finally fall in love. We had so much fun he kept me alive. For a year now I had just wanted to die. I hid my sadness I hid my pain. In the shower my tears of shame. What is wrong with me I’d ask, lost in this darkness I wear a mask.

The end of 07 we come alive. Finally I have life inside. Then in the new year a surprise I find. Social media, context hidden from view. My world turned so blue.

Yes I broke the damn rule. I felt betrayed destroyed and shamed. For weeks she lied and said it was the voices inside. Nothing was going on. I’m jealous untrusting it’s all in your mind your crazy.
You lied!

Then finally she breaks me and says yes I was looking for attention I wanted more. I was broken destroyed and doomed once more. I asked her to leave she wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t leave my children’s home.

I lost my shit my lid I did flip. The trauma and depression came to the fore. My anxiety was uncontrollable. I was me no more. This wasn’t an outburst a moment of rage. This time the demons were here to stay.

I was so abusive I felt so betrayed she wouldn’t go she insisted she stayed. I went to the doctor seeking help. It was a mutual friend I reached out to who I would well.

I told the wife she burst out in jealousy and rage. My demons freed from their cage. To her I stopped talking. Every night I began walking. The drugs just weren’t working.

Another friend reaches out. The wife knew her, she has a spouse. I expose my new found confident. 2 days later here we go again. Jealousy and rage I can’t contain.

Finally we are done. She tells the world of the demon I become, she never says how it all came undone. Her innocence she claims and my demons are to blame.

I now know I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety. Now I feel the pain of parental alienation. I now tell my story to give her justification. I thought I was weak for falling to demons sobleak. Now I see my biggest demon isn’t inside, next to me it sat in plain sight it would hide.

I now hold my head high and feel I have achieved. I danced with the devil she had seduced me. I danced to her tune to the beat of her drum. Yes I was abused under her thumb.

Now I am free I fight for me. To dance with the devil was my destiny. My story you are witnessing. My story I am confessing.

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Unlike many posters on this site I am a male victim of emotional abuse. I met my partner when I was 20 years old and she was already married. In a complete whirlwind courting period where she asked me to marry her and divorced her current husband. Four months after meeting her we were married. I spent 20 years in a marriage with extreme emotional abuse. I was always told how other men were better than me in every way. Not once in 20 years did she tell me she loved me, but rather she had married me because I was a ‘good person’. She had affairs that I always forgave. I was not allowed to talk to women or I was accused of plotting to sleep with them whether they were 12 years old or 60. I was cut off and isolated from my family, my children were told that they had a ‘single mom’ because I was so useless. My children were told that in front my face, not behind my back.

Eventually 15 years into the marriage my grandfather died and something inside me came alive and I resolved to break free. I had terrible guilt at the thought of leaving and it took 5 years of building up the courage. Towards the end I started to see a psychologist who told me that my ex showed all the symptoms of a psychopath and that for my mental health I should leave. It took someone else telling me to leave to get the courage to do so. My self worth was so low and fear so great that I had a severe panic attack and believed I was having a heart attack and ended up in hospital alone with nobody to call.

Over the past 5 years since the divorce I have slowly healed, but still have a long way to go. I have just ended a second toxic relationship that fortunately has only lasted 18 months. In this last relationship some of the patterns of my marriage were repeated, some unbelievable lines were crossed and yet I forgave. She got angry with my and had sex with my teenage son to punish me and I forgave. She lied constantly and stole and I forgave. The ability for someone to trigger such self doubt that I question my own sanity and what the facts are is incredible.

Something I really do want to share having followed this page for a long time is that ‘they’ don’t matter and neither does knowing the truth. Knowing the truth will change nothing and so I have no need to obsess over it. What matters is me and my mental health. It is hard not to question why someone can treat you like that, but it really doesn’t matter. Why I ignored red flags, allowed myself to abused is what matters because until I change myself the pattern will continue.

The Darkness (The Scar)

The Darkness (The Scar)

It’s what you are, it’s who you are, you’re darkness is what brings the scar, it’s what you represent, I’m glad you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.

You have no love, you’re the black kind of dove, the opposite of good, and all this time I never quite knew exactly where I stood.

Your darkness spreads like a disease, the people you touch they feel unease, it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness and cruelty brings the scar.

I realize now there’s no need to hate, any part of you, because you’re that sad soul, you want us all to feel just like you.

But in my life you will not win, this scar now begins to heal, my bright star, love and light you always tried to steal.

I know this now, and see things clear, to think that at one point you were so dear, but it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness is exactly what brings the scar, I’m glad now that you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.

Brett Miller Lambadgee

Never grow too comfortable

Never grow too comfortable

My biological dad is a narc and a sociopath. He put his 2nd wife in the hospital. Stalks her, and has been known to stalk us. He kidnapped my sister once when he and my mom were going through their divorce. I was adopted in 2014 by my stepdad at the age of 24, and legally separated any relationship I had with my bio dad.

Recently it came to light that he was stalking his 2nd wife again. His 3rd wife has gone completely silent on Facebook around the time he was seen stalking my parents and his 2nd wife. And she is being stalked online again, he always manages to hack into her computers to monitor and look for whatever he can find.

It was one month ago Friday that the recent events came to light. I live completely alone, 3 hours away from any family, I decided to  inform my employer I thought I could be a potential target for him. I gave a background to explain why I was concerned, got a security system at home and still thought I was over reacting.

One week to the day of installing the system and he actually came to my work. Luckily I had gone remote, I now work from home. The timing of when he was at my place of employment was very timed. Had I not started working from home Wednesday I would have seen him Friday.

Now I have to wonder how long he has been following me, how extensively he has been monitoring me, and how much he knows.

I have not seen him since 2005. The last time I spoke to him I had called to tell him he needed to help pay for my senior fees in high school. That was early 2008. It has been four years since I was adopted, ten since I talked to him, and thirteen since I saw him.

I thought I was safe, although my entire adult life I have known he could just randomly pop up and have always feared he would. I have been terrified of what I would do if I saw him again. Sometimes I thought I would hit him, maybe I would run, maybe I would crumble.

Well for a day, when it came to it, I was distraught. And it angers me to know that he would have derived pleasure from my discomfort. Today is Sunday and he showed up at my office Friday. I am still shaken but I feel stronger. I am am still mad at my emotions over him, but maybe that is what keeps me from being like him.

Please tell your followers, or share my post without my name. Always be vigilant. Never grow too comfortable. They can always come back and will never let you go. You still continue to live your life, if I had lived in fear for 10 years there is so much I would have missed. But always be safe. Love and live and let yourself feel joy. Your triumph and their loss, is your ability to live without their presence affecting you. Even if it takes an effort that feels like a mountain.

I’m Afraid

I’m Afraid

I’m struggling a bit at the moment
Today is the 12 month anniversary of when I went to the police and had the abuse documented and I’m 12 days from the anniversary of his final leaving of my home. I’m healing ,the whole of last summer I had to have 15 weeks off my work as a therapist due to a total nervous breakdown. So I’m back at work everything seems ok I’m free I’m planning a future . But…….. in October last year I had a gastroscopy and it seems I had gastritis and peptic ulcers not bacterial , I thought ok fair enough then in December I get summonsed to see haematology so on Tuesday I get this news…….. at best I have chronic blood cancer and my spleen needs removing at worse I have multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer) and even with best treatment I’ll be gone in 5 years. I’m 44. I’ve been keeping private journals on fb and today I posted this to myself for the future, short as it maybe:-
Well I’m awake but so sore everywhere. I feel sick, deeply viscerally sick. Ok I was able to just get up and get on with stuff feeling exactly like this three days ago, the only difference is is that I know mostly what is wrong. I’m preparing for the worst. I’m trying to accept that I’ll never fall passionately in love with “the one” again, I will probably never have sex again, I will most definitely die without the love of my life beside me making sure I’m not afraid. I think I might be grieving the loss of my optimism that I could find happiness.
I’m going to die alone surrounded by everyone wanting me to be strong and brave.
I wanted to share this with someone else who I don’t feel the need to make this ok for. Everyone around me really needs me to be the front runner of positivity and “it’ll be fine” but inside I’m afraid .



My story, past chapters. New beginnings! Healed & whole.

My story, past chapters. New beginnings! Healed & whole.

Most of the voids or not in one’s mind, hearts, souls are rooted from early childhood of some type of neglects from their parents whose hands they was under as rightly vulnerable young children.

Those negative voids might attack the same negative dysfunctional that’s within one’s minds, hearts, souls, some or most are unaware of their internal blindness and internal inner negative stagnations. Often times some or most try filling those negative area’s looking for love or filling loneliness in the wrong places and natural comes the wrong people. This was my case.

Discovering the negative root cause behind my some of my past choices such as in men, in my case a long painful journey of severe depression. I didn’t see my mom was a narc until 2016 and recently. On top of that having suspected she had my brother killed legally liquor poison and she rushed to collect 25 grand life insurance despite his funeral was fully covered, my guess is my brother was getting ready to leave after more than five years living and helping with rent in low income housing. Section8 she never raised any or all her 10 kids and drank with us all very heavy. We’ve all try to honour her but she’ll use it negative and abuse it.

I met my past narc at 25 years old again undiagnosed unaware depression. Was with him for 7 years. Bought 5 cars in my name all got repo, all for him had two evictions while he just sat there and watched me struggle while in my mind I’m only trying to do what’s right, because we went to church that’s my husband and I’m supposed to stand by his side and help him back on his feet while behind the scenes he only tolerated me, used me for what little I had never allowed to have any confidence or be any good success he would attack hence foolishness demeaning degradation put downs sooner or later I got tired of he’s only a little nice when I don’t speak nor express any disagreements or supposed interfere ask protect my kids wellbeing he’s threatened to hit me in past his body language tell me his response told me bc he’s hit me before. Before I escaped I prayed. One other women said… Strength I pray for your strength to leave the toxic situation.

Bc my past cry attempted separation divorce to get his stuff together wasn’t good enough nor the warnings from men of god in the pulpits, why because it was always me supposed I was the drama the one with mental issue not him. When I left I left hard. I left my mother after seeing her true colours. Now both been probably pointing fingers spreading rumours. How he acted the last time I saw him proved to me I was right he blamed played victim’s said I was the abusive one, accused me of false infidelity basic everything I described towards him he deny blamed twisted try turn tables on me.

My narc mom still lives a corrupt lifestyle drinking taking any man who gives her the slightest attention. But she’s taken it to the extreme anything to sabotage those who won’t can’t give her what she wants or tries to benefits from others hard work. I’m over it. Sadly everyone else will have to find out the hard way what those types really are.

My son saved my life today

My son saved my life today

I found this that I wrote back in 2016 when I was still trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. I’m over 2 months free now, but I still have a long journey ahead. I thought others may be able to relate to this.  My kids have me strength in so many of those dark days.

“My son saved my life today.

Today I thought I couldn’t take any more.
Today I thought about the end.

Today I was in pain.  Not just emotional pain, but physical pain that cut me to the core. My muscles and bones hurt. The emotional hurt causes physical hurt that no pill can cure.  The combination is unbearable.

Today I wished for a friend.  I’ve never really had one, and I was really needing one today. What is it like having someone to talk to when you’re down? What is it like having someone call you to hang out?  What is it like having a friend that cares?  So many people are mean. So many people are cold-hearted. Why can’t we just be kind?

Today I cried.  I went and took a bath to get away. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain. I don’t like my kids to see it and I don’t like my husband to see it. I keep smiling, pretending it’s all okay-treating others the way I wish I could be treated, the way I wish everyone would treat each other. I cried big shoulder sobbing tears, and the hurt remained.

Today I thought about the end. I knew there was only one way to stop the pain. I thought about how I could do it. Where I could do it. I thought about what it would be like to finally be free.  I wanted to scream.

Today I prayed. I prayed that God would make things better. I prayed that God would take away the pain and the anxiety. I thought about how wonderful it would be to be in his presence, free of the pain that weighs me down daily.

Today I did the dishes. I listened to “Why” by Rascall Flatts over and over.  I realized that few would come to my funeral. There would be no church filled to the brim with people who I mattered to.  As the tears started to fill my eyes again, a little hand grasped my arm and said “I love you, mom.”

My son saved my life today.  My children are my reason for pushing forward. My children are the ones that make all the pain and trials of this life bearable. My children pulled me through yet another day that I did not think I could finish.”