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To dance with the devil was my destiny

To dance with the devil was my destiny

Childhood was dark and extremely traumatic. I witnessed things no child should ever see. I was in year 5 when I had my first anxiety attack. I went through life hiding my nerves. I was so self conscious and timid I was afraid.

My father was abusive in just about every way. The onslaught of verbal abuse was relentless every day. Occasionally he’d flip and we would all wear bruises for a few days.

My mother took the brunt of his abuse, we would hide in our beds pretending to sleep. We knew the sounds, a slap meant black eyes a thud was bruised ribs the sound of her being choked. We didnt need to see it the sounds told us all. We knew what we would wake to see the next morning.

My mother the victim, she passed it on. In ways she never knew were wrong. She screamed at us from the moment we awoken. Poor mum she was always so broken.

We had a sacred place where we were all free. At night to us children she would read. We would huddle and listen to her story telling. She bought the book to life, she was always so animated so happy and free. This time of night we were a family. Dad stayed away! Fear was forgotten we were free to enjoy life.

I was a teen when my mother fled the scene. We were abandoned she needed to leave. She was tired torn and beaten. She just vanished one night, never came home from work. Dad called the police it was terrifying. Seeing them search her belongs checking her clothes looking for signs of her wanting to leave.

Her picture was in the papers and on the tv. She had vanished no one had seen. 4 days later the police came again. They told dad to prepare for the worst she had vanished without a trace. Rumors flooded the little town of her leaving with a stranger that evening.

Dad tracked her down, found her hiding with friends. I’ll never forget it was the only time I had seen him cry. He hugged me and gave permission to shed a tear. Father, brother, sisters and I went to see her in another state.I’ll never forget when we had to choose. Stay with mum or return home with dad. The boys left the girls stayed.

I felt abandoned I felt betrayed. As much as I wanted to I just couldn’t stay. Dad needed someone to help him through these dark gloomy days.

For some reason I’ll never understand they tried again and we were family let’s play pretend. Our days were bleak we wanted this no more. A few years later he finally walked out the door.

I was lost destroyed I couldn’t take anymore. I began to write about demons in the night. I grew my hair I wore a cap. I hid my face. I never wanted anyone to look into my eyes and see the pain inside.

I was just a boy I was 17 my world was dark and gloomy. I had no direction no desire to be. Along comes my angel she was here to save me. The year was 1993.

Her presence was glorious, she was amazing. She was to much for someone like me. Something drew her to me. Some of my pain I allowed her to see but never the demon lurking within me.

Typical teens we lived in each others pockets. I learned so much about her, I found her deepest darkest pockets. A father who didn’t care and a mother who struggled living on welfare.

My story and pain I never did share. I couldn’t because I couldn’t recall what was there. My mind so black, memories blank. Like scratch art a few lines of color were all I could see. The darkness so empty my mind tricked me.

We were 21 we got engaged. For some reason I lost my identity. I was now her fiance, I was no longer me. Inside me I felt so empty. A pain a misery I began fighting each day. My demons fed on this rage.

I dare not speak of my feelings so bleak. I was so tired. My feelings and insecurities dismissed. I looked for alternatives, the demons I kissed. My emotions I buried, I dismissed.

My demons take over, an outburst of rage! They would break free, of their cage. My worst nightmareI was now living. My existence I begin questioning.

The guilt would eat me alive, tryng to make it up I’d strive. This was the cycle for years to come. My demons lurking bringing me undone.

I fell into depression, such a horrible retrogression. I was isolated myself, I felt I had no worth. My baby doesn’t love me she won’t hold and hug me. I struggle to the couch and sit there. Finally she comes to me, my tears were there for all to see. I swore never again! My bike was no longer my friend.

As I fell into a see of black. The love of my life on me she turned her back. Distracted with her own thoughts of marriage a surprise wedding she planned. In her mind this was to be so grand.

I’ll never forget that day walking in to that room. TV camera in my face a radio DJ and all asssume. I had no choice I didn’t know what to say. I said sure yeah I love her why not ok.

As I walk through the room filled with people all here for her on this day. My dad I abuse telling him they have betrayed. I suit up so we can wed that day.

My anxiety goes nuts, with my new ring I play. No speach prepared I didn’t know what to say. The words came out I felt so stupid and useless that day. My dream wedding taken away. My mother and sisters absent.

I sat at the bar with my best mate who refused to be my best man. We drank really fast, my emotions he tried to calm. He could see the storm brewing within. He knew my demons were lurking.

On our wedding night I gave her a fright. I told her she had betrayed that day. From that moment I began to decay. I isolated myself I ignored my phone. I would say no don’t visit I wont be home.

For 8 years I hid in this virtual place. I found someone new, with her I hope a new love to replace. I planned my escape, I was out the door. Boxing day we would be no more. Christmas day I lay in bed then the wife’s voice messes with my head. Merry Christmas I’m pregnant. The new found friend I never went and met.

My world was no more, my heart was torn my heart pierced by such a big thorn. I built with rage I was trapped stuck inside a cage.

I stay at home and care for my son. Its during this time with him I finally fall in love. We had so much fun he kept me alive. For a year now I had just wanted to die. I hid my sadness I hid my pain. In the shower my tears of shame. What is wrong with me I’d ask, lost in this darkness I wear a mask.

The end of 07 we come alive. Finally I have life inside. Then in the new year a surprise I find. Social media, context hidden from view. My world turned so blue.

Yes I broke the damn rule. I felt betrayed destroyed and shamed. For weeks she lied and said it was the voices inside. Nothing was going on. I’m jealous untrusting it’s all in your mind your crazy.
You lied!

Then finally she breaks me and says yes I was looking for attention I wanted more. I was broken destroyed and doomed once more. I asked her to leave she wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t leave my children’s home.

I lost my shit my lid I did flip. The trauma and depression came to the fore. My anxiety was uncontrollable. I was me no more. This wasn’t an outburst a moment of rage. This time the demons were here to stay.

I was so abusive I felt so betrayed she wouldn’t go she insisted she stayed. I went to the doctor seeking help. It was a mutual friend I reached out to who I would well.

I told the wife she burst out in jealousy and rage. My demons freed from their cage. To her I stopped talking. Every night I began walking. The drugs just weren’t working.

Another friend reaches out. The wife knew her, she has a spouse. I expose my new found confident. 2 days later here we go again. Jealousy and rage I can’t contain.

Finally we are done. She tells the world of the demon I become, she never says how it all came undone. Her innocence she claims and my demons are to blame.

I now know I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety. Now I feel the pain of parental alienation. I now tell my story to give her justification. I thought I was weak for falling to demons sobleak. Now I see my biggest demon isn’t inside, next to me it sat in plain sight it would hide.

I now hold my head high and feel I have achieved. I danced with the devil she had seduced me. I danced to her tune to the beat of her drum. Yes I was abused under her thumb.

Now I am free I fight for me. To dance with the devil was my destiny. My story you are witnessing. My story I am confessing.

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Unlike many posters on this site I am a male victim of emotional abuse. I met my partner when I was 20 years old and she was already married. In a complete whirlwind courting period where she asked me to marry her and divorced her current husband. Four months after meeting her we were married. I spent 20 years in a marriage with extreme emotional abuse. I was always told how other men were better than me in every way. Not once in 20 years did she tell me she loved me, but rather she had married me because I was a ‘good person’. She had affairs that I always forgave. I was not allowed to talk to women or I was accused of plotting to sleep with them whether they were 12 years old or 60. I was cut off and isolated from my family, my children were told that they had a ‘single mom’ because I was so useless. My children were told that in front my face, not behind my back.

Eventually 15 years into the marriage my grandfather died and something inside me came alive and I resolved to break free. I had terrible guilt at the thought of leaving and it took 5 years of building up the courage. Towards the end I started to see a psychologist who told me that my ex showed all the symptoms of a psychopath and that for my mental health I should leave. It took someone else telling me to leave to get the courage to do so. My self worth was so low and fear so great that I had a severe panic attack and believed I was having a heart attack and ended up in hospital alone with nobody to call.

Over the past 5 years since the divorce I have slowly healed, but still have a long way to go. I have just ended a second toxic relationship that fortunately has only lasted 18 months. In this last relationship some of the patterns of my marriage were repeated, some unbelievable lines were crossed and yet I forgave. She got angry with my and had sex with my teenage son to punish me and I forgave. She lied constantly and stole and I forgave. The ability for someone to trigger such self doubt that I question my own sanity and what the facts are is incredible.

Something I really do want to share having followed this page for a long time is that ‘they’ don’t matter and neither does knowing the truth. Knowing the truth will change nothing and so I have no need to obsess over it. What matters is me and my mental health. It is hard not to question why someone can treat you like that, but it really doesn’t matter. Why I ignored red flags, allowed myself to abused is what matters because until I change myself the pattern will continue.

The Darkness (The Scar)

The Darkness (The Scar)

It’s what you are, it’s who you are, you’re darkness is what brings the scar, it’s what you represent, I’m glad you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.

You have no love, you’re the black kind of dove, the opposite of good, and all this time I never quite knew exactly where I stood.

Your darkness spreads like a disease, the people you touch they feel unease, it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness and cruelty brings the scar.

I realize now there’s no need to hate, any part of you, because you’re that sad soul, you want us all to feel just like you.

But in my life you will not win, this scar now begins to heal, my bright star, love and light you always tried to steal.

I know this now, and see things clear, to think that at one point you were so dear, but it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness is exactly what brings the scar, I’m glad now that you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.

Brett Miller Lambadgee

Never grow too comfortable

Never grow too comfortable

My biological dad is a narc and a sociopath. He put his 2nd wife in the hospital. Stalks her, and has been known to stalk us. He kidnapped my sister once when he and my mom were going through their divorce. I was adopted in 2014 by my stepdad at the age of 24, and legally separated any relationship I had with my bio dad.

Recently it came to light that he was stalking his 2nd wife again. His 3rd wife has gone completely silent on Facebook around the time he was seen stalking my parents and his 2nd wife. And she is being stalked online again, he always manages to hack into her computers to monitor and look for whatever he can find.

It was one month ago Friday that the recent events came to light. I live completely alone, 3 hours away from any family, I decided to  inform my employer I thought I could be a potential target for him. I gave a background to explain why I was concerned, got a security system at home and still thought I was over reacting.

One week to the day of installing the system and he actually came to my work. Luckily I had gone remote, I now work from home. The timing of when he was at my place of employment was very timed. Had I not started working from home Wednesday I would have seen him Friday.

Now I have to wonder how long he has been following me, how extensively he has been monitoring me, and how much he knows.

I have not seen him since 2005. The last time I spoke to him I had called to tell him he needed to help pay for my senior fees in high school. That was early 2008. It has been four years since I was adopted, ten since I talked to him, and thirteen since I saw him.

I thought I was safe, although my entire adult life I have known he could just randomly pop up and have always feared he would. I have been terrified of what I would do if I saw him again. Sometimes I thought I would hit him, maybe I would run, maybe I would crumble.

Well for a day, when it came to it, I was distraught. And it angers me to know that he would have derived pleasure from my discomfort. Today is Sunday and he showed up at my office Friday. I am still shaken but I feel stronger. I am am still mad at my emotions over him, but maybe that is what keeps me from being like him.

Please tell your followers, or share my post without my name. Always be vigilant. Never grow too comfortable. They can always come back and will never let you go. You still continue to live your life, if I had lived in fear for 10 years there is so much I would have missed. But always be safe. Love and live and let yourself feel joy. Your triumph and their loss, is your ability to live without their presence affecting you. Even if it takes an effort that feels like a mountain.

I’m Afraid

I’m Afraid

I’m struggling a bit at the moment
Today is the 12 month anniversary of when I went to the police and had the abuse documented and I’m 12 days from the anniversary of his final leaving of my home. I’m healing ,the whole of last summer I had to have 15 weeks off my work as a therapist due to a total nervous breakdown. So I’m back at work everything seems ok I’m free I’m planning a future . But…….. in October last year I had a gastroscopy and it seems I had gastritis and peptic ulcers not bacterial , I thought ok fair enough then in December I get summonsed to see haematology so on Tuesday I get this news…….. at best I have chronic blood cancer and my spleen needs removing at worse I have multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer) and even with best treatment I’ll be gone in 5 years. I’m 44. I’ve been keeping private journals on fb and today I posted this to myself for the future, short as it maybe:-
Well I’m awake but so sore everywhere. I feel sick, deeply viscerally sick. Ok I was able to just get up and get on with stuff feeling exactly like this three days ago, the only difference is is that I know mostly what is wrong. I’m preparing for the worst. I’m trying to accept that I’ll never fall passionately in love with “the one” again, I will probably never have sex again, I will most definitely die without the love of my life beside me making sure I’m not afraid. I think I might be grieving the loss of my optimism that I could find happiness.
I’m going to die alone surrounded by everyone wanting me to be strong and brave.
I wanted to share this with someone else who I don’t feel the need to make this ok for. Everyone around me really needs me to be the front runner of positivity and “it’ll be fine” but inside I’m afraid .

 

 

My story, past chapters. New beginnings! Healed & whole.

My story, past chapters. New beginnings! Healed & whole.

Most of the voids or not in one’s mind, hearts, souls are rooted from early childhood of some type of neglects from their parents whose hands they was under as rightly vulnerable young children.

Those negative voids might attack the same negative dysfunctional that’s within one’s minds, hearts, souls, some or most are unaware of their internal blindness and internal inner negative stagnations. Often times some or most try filling those negative area’s looking for love or filling loneliness in the wrong places and natural comes the wrong people. This was my case.

Discovering the negative root cause behind my some of my past choices such as in men, in my case a long painful journey of severe depression. I didn’t see my mom was a narc until 2016 and recently. On top of that having suspected she had my brother killed legally liquor poison and she rushed to collect 25 grand life insurance despite his funeral was fully covered, my guess is my brother was getting ready to leave after more than five years living and helping with rent in low income housing. Section8 she never raised any or all her 10 kids and drank with us all very heavy. We’ve all try to honour her but she’ll use it negative and abuse it.

I met my past narc at 25 years old again undiagnosed unaware depression. Was with him for 7 years. Bought 5 cars in my name all got repo, all for him had two evictions while he just sat there and watched me struggle while in my mind I’m only trying to do what’s right, because we went to church that’s my husband and I’m supposed to stand by his side and help him back on his feet while behind the scenes he only tolerated me, used me for what little I had never allowed to have any confidence or be any good success he would attack hence foolishness demeaning degradation put downs sooner or later I got tired of he’s only a little nice when I don’t speak nor express any disagreements or supposed interfere ask protect my kids wellbeing he’s threatened to hit me in past his body language tell me his response told me bc he’s hit me before. Before I escaped I prayed. One other women said… Strength I pray for your strength to leave the toxic situation.

Bc my past cry attempted separation divorce to get his stuff together wasn’t good enough nor the warnings from men of god in the pulpits, why because it was always me supposed I was the drama the one with mental issue not him. When I left I left hard. I left my mother after seeing her true colours. Now both been probably pointing fingers spreading rumours. How he acted the last time I saw him proved to me I was right he blamed played victim’s said I was the abusive one, accused me of false infidelity basic everything I described towards him he deny blamed twisted try turn tables on me.

My narc mom still lives a corrupt lifestyle drinking taking any man who gives her the slightest attention. But she’s taken it to the extreme anything to sabotage those who won’t can’t give her what she wants or tries to benefits from others hard work. I’m over it. Sadly everyone else will have to find out the hard way what those types really are.

My son saved my life today

My son saved my life today

I found this that I wrote back in 2016 when I was still trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. I’m over 2 months free now, but I still have a long journey ahead. I thought others may be able to relate to this.  My kids have me strength in so many of those dark days.

“My son saved my life today.

Today I thought I couldn’t take any more.
Today I thought about the end.

Today I was in pain.  Not just emotional pain, but physical pain that cut me to the core. My muscles and bones hurt. The emotional hurt causes physical hurt that no pill can cure.  The combination is unbearable.

Today I wished for a friend.  I’ve never really had one, and I was really needing one today. What is it like having someone to talk to when you’re down? What is it like having someone call you to hang out?  What is it like having a friend that cares?  So many people are mean. So many people are cold-hearted. Why can’t we just be kind?

Today I cried.  I went and took a bath to get away. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain. I don’t like my kids to see it and I don’t like my husband to see it. I keep smiling, pretending it’s all okay-treating others the way I wish I could be treated, the way I wish everyone would treat each other. I cried big shoulder sobbing tears, and the hurt remained.

Today I thought about the end. I knew there was only one way to stop the pain. I thought about how I could do it. Where I could do it. I thought about what it would be like to finally be free.  I wanted to scream.

Today I prayed. I prayed that God would make things better. I prayed that God would take away the pain and the anxiety. I thought about how wonderful it would be to be in his presence, free of the pain that weighs me down daily.

Today I did the dishes. I listened to “Why” by Rascall Flatts over and over.  I realized that few would come to my funeral. There would be no church filled to the brim with people who I mattered to.  As the tears started to fill my eyes again, a little hand grasped my arm and said “I love you, mom.”

My son saved my life today.  My children are my reason for pushing forward. My children are the ones that make all the pain and trials of this life bearable. My children pulled me through yet another day that I did not think I could finish.”

An Indian Narcissist Story…

An Indian Narcissist Story…

Somewhere a narcissistic dad lived with his  family and had two girls, he brought up elder daughter as victim Narc (golden child) she got married to a henpeck doctor as usual he surrendered her mental abuse and was good for nothing. Narc dad second daughter brought up as scapegoat in the family and got married to village man.

Dad and first victim always lived in fantasy life both are lawyers by profession typically sociopathic lairs and highly manipulators. 2 daughters in two different life… unfortunately when the dad brought up these two victims they never taught the basic lessons of what reality is may be due to fear of getting exposed about the narcissism to others.

The golden child wanted to be successor of dad thinking that she is the only lady who  protect women rights in the world. As a coincidence this family had clash with the village man (2nd son in law) these narcissistic people barked like insane the poor man kept quite and gone through many trauma and decided to  teach lessons from his learning experience but these narcs never took the responsibility of their mistakes done.

The village man wanted  they should stop abusing others by narcissism… So he started setting boundaries first , no contacts and injecting their imaginary self esteem and now the narcs wanted to come back and attack…

Morale get your fingers burnt to know the glove

I was blind but now I see

I was blind but now I see

This site has opened my eyes to how narcissism poisons a persons mind.  I was blind, but now I see!

I totally understand what the higher power of my understanding was talking about in that scripture.  I’m not telling anyone what to believe here.  I’m just sharing my thoughts and ideas and how reading everyones stories on here has helped me heal.  I’m not alone.  I felt so alone that is until I found this site.  I also have a 12 step support group I go to and we all share similar stories much like this site.  The one difference is we are not allowed to give our own advice.  We can use the advice of the program or share what we did on a similar situation and how it helped us.  All of us are on our own journey and as adults we just want to be listened to and validated.  If we come to a decision on our own then it is most likely to stick!  Unless of course you are being the victim of domestic violence.  My Mother and I were being physically abused by my Father  and we had to get out.

My Mother went no contact.  I couldn’t I was a child and my brain couldn’t conceive that idea.  I loved my Father and thought if I was smarter, prettier, happier and just more like his “goal post” ideas and we all know what Narcs do with those goal posts.  When he took his own life over his mask being firmly removed forever (his victim told). Now everyone would know he was a child molester.  I knew he was a child abuser because he abused me but after the divorce it didn’t happen again that is because I never lived with him permanently again so the relationship changed and that was good for me.  But it didn’t stop his words.

I was down to low contact and slowly planning no contact.  I had confronted him about the abuse in ‘01.

I just didn’t get the right kind of counselling and it took till ‘11 to get a great counsellor.  I recently also found another great counsellor.  It’s not easy as counselling is expensive!  And ultimately I have to do the work!  Changing my mind set is not an easy process.  My Father’s suicide over exposure for what he did actually set me free as I realized who he really was.
I just want to thank everyone on here who shares their stories because sharing mine is getting easier and easier now!

From A Narcissist’s Perspective

From A Narcissist’s Perspective

I am a recovering narcissist. Throughout my life I was fully aware that I had major personality flaws but contributed it to my childhood pain. In retrospect I was correct, but was not aware that this resulted in me becoming a narcissist, I thought I was the victim! Until the day I met a narcissist, everything became clear.

I read hundreds of articles and did some in-depth studies and in each victim statement I recognized myself. I went as far as to contact people from my past to hear how they perceived me, each time I heard the same thing, I was a human leech. I drained them emotionally, physically and mentally. I thought they went on with their lives as if nothing happened. Little did I knew that in order for them to survive and recover they had to get as far away from me as they possibly could.

I’m objective now and do realise that they made their own mistakes in the relationship but I have to take full responsibility of being the wrecking ball of all these relationships.

When I met someone I admired I became them, and went as far as trying to be a better version of them than they could possibly be. If they were humble and kind, I was more humble and kinder. I dripped with honey, false smiles and hollow laughter. As soon as I could, even the first day of possible, I unleashed my terrible victim stories onto them. I made sure they knew exactly how much the poor me was hurting. I put these people on a pedestal and made them gods because through them I became what I really wanted to be. I thought I discovered the ONE that can fix and heal me. Needless to say, the illusion was short lived. The moment I discovered they are not perfect, not as sweet and caring as I thought, I could no longer project the ‘perfect’ person because they weren’t perfect. This resulted in absolute self-destruction on my part and the total humiliation of my objective. I hurled insults, I threw childlike tantrums, I cried and begged. I’ve endangered the lives of some of these people. All of this as an attempt to avenge the illusion of a perfect person, the one I wanted to be. How dare they disappoint me like this. I saw myself as their victim. I lived in self-pity my whole life. When they rejected me I couldn’t cope, I fell to pieces for months on end. I developed obsessions over them. I stalked them, I made sure in one way or another that they will remember me and the pain they put me through, until I met the next person I could built my illusion around and everything became better instantly.

I couldn’t cope in a family environment, I alienated my kids. I destroyed them with my hatred and emptiness. I saw them as an extension of myself, without any emotions of their own. I was a hateful, empty, self-absorbed and very selfish. I didn’t see myself as being worth anything, therefore I couldn’t see other people as humans.

It took six long years to work through myself, discover who the real me is. I went into that mist filled room where the little child I really was, was locked up. At first I just sat there, devastated by the hurt and anger I caused her. The inner me stopped to grow the moment I locked her in that room. When I opened that door she sat there, naked and terrified of the illusion of me. I started to slowly speak to her, I listened to every word she had to say, and I took responsibility for what I did. I had to prove myself over and over, that I can be trusted with her feelings.

She no longer throws tantrums, she comes out and plays as if she never went into that room. She started to cope when I had healthy arguments with someone, she coped with rejection beyond expectation. I started slowly but surely to integrate her within my being. I morphed into a full human being. I see myself as an integrated person with plenty to learn and experience.

I didn’t realise that I wasn’t a victim of others but a victim of myself. It was only when I came face to face with a being that exists in the shadows of herself that I knew this was what I was.

Please if you have a narcissist in your life that has numerous affairs, know that you have no cause therein. You flatter yourself if you think a narcissist even considers you in anything he does, positive or negative.

Remember, a narcissist is a human leech, what do leaches do? They suck their victims dry. He must have a variety of hosts in order not to suck someone too dry too fast. For him to start a new relationship he must pretend, that in itself is exhausting for a narcissist because he wants to start feeding. He feeds a bit from A then B then C and so on and so on, this ensures that A will be replenished the next time he comes around for a feed. All the blame he dumps on you as to why you are the cause of him having all these affairs is a means of justification for what he is doing. He can’t face up to the responsibility of his own actions. He even has to leech responsibility from another person. He doesn’t love those women, or have deeper connection to them than with you, not at all. This shows you how empty he truly is: the amount of hosts he needs to get satisfaction. The more feeding he requires the emptier his soul is.

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