I found this that I wrote back in 2016 when I was still trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. I’m over 2 months free now, but I still have a long journey ahead. I thought others may be able to relate to this. My kids have me strength in so many of those dark days.
“My son saved my life today.
Today I thought I couldn’t take any more.
Today I thought about the end.
Today I was in pain. Not just emotional pain, but physical pain that cut me to the core. My muscles and bones hurt. The emotional hurt causes physical hurt that no pill can cure. The combination is unbearable.
Today I wished for a friend. I’ve never really had one, and I was really needing one today. What is it like having someone to talk to when you’re down? What is it like having someone call you to hang out? What is it like having a friend that cares? So many people are mean. So many people are cold-hearted. Why can’t we just be kind?
Today I cried. I went and took a bath to get away. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain. I don’t like my kids to see it and I don’t like my husband to see it. I keep smiling, pretending it’s all okay-treating others the way I wish I could be treated, the way I wish everyone would treat each other. I cried big shoulder sobbing tears, and the hurt remained.
Today I thought about the end. I knew there was only one way to stop the pain. I thought about how I could do it. Where I could do it. I thought about what it would be like to finally be free. I wanted to scream.
Today I prayed. I prayed that God would make things better. I prayed that God would take away the pain and the anxiety. I thought about how wonderful it would be to be in his presence, free of the pain that weighs me down daily.
Today I did the dishes. I listened to “Why” by Rascall Flatts over and over. I realized that few would come to my funeral. There would be no church filled to the brim with people who I mattered to. As the tears started to fill my eyes again, a little hand grasped my arm and said “I love you, mom.”
My son saved my life today. My children are my reason for pushing forward. My children are the ones that make all the pain and trials of this life bearable. My children pulled me through yet another day that I did not think I could finish.”