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How do you tell at the beginning?

How do you tell at the beginning?

I am recently out of a relationship with a narcissist and it took me 4 years to realise what he really was.

I have just met a new man but am terrified he could be the same and don’t know how to find out as for the first 12-18 months my ex was wonderful, the perfect boyfriend before starting to really get controlling and abusive.  How do you tell at the beginning someone is a narcissist as I really don’t want to live this again?

His behaviour didn’t change

His behaviour didn’t change

Only just found this website via a friend who posted something on her Facebook wall.

I have a few questions about how to spot someone who has a Narcissistic Personality. I’ll tell you my story and hopefully I’ll have an answer.

I met M four years ago whilst I was still married to an abusive man who threatened to hit me all the time. After I divorced him I started to date M, we moved in together after a year and I brought my 2 year old son with me, after a few months M broke up with me as he told me he couldn’t handle my son (special needs), he was accusing me of cheating.. looked through my phone, asked why I didn’t call him enough or who certain people were in my texts… then we got back together after M promised it would be better and that he was sorry and he could learn to cope. He offered to go on courses to help him understand, which never happened. About a year ago I moved into my own place with my son and his behaviour got worse. I had to text him every night and every morning. If I didn’t he would think I didn’t “love him enough” or that I was cheating on him. He never made an effort to see my son and just wanted to see me. At Christmas this year he accused me of having men over after finding a scarf that I had tied to my bed. I threw him out and he blamed the drink for being stupid. Promising that he would never do it again. But his behaviour didn’t change. I stopped wearing make-up because he would make “jokes” that I was going to meet my boyfriend..I stopped seeing my friends as he got jealous. He blamed me for “being too pretty ” and that’s why he didn’t trust me, and finally last week he ambushed me outside of my work after I blocked him from all media, to tell me he had depression and he wanted to get help so we could get married. I feel guilty for leaving him and now I’m starting to have doubts…can you help?

My questions are these.. is this someone who truly has trust issues and is in need of help and understanding or does this look like a person who will never change? Thank you

Answer:

He sounds like a control freak more so than a narcissist. People often confuse the two and label people based off what they read on the internet instead of a real evaluation. Sounds like he is controlling and insecure more than a narcissist. He also would probably be a nightmare to be married to and not make for a good companion.

Will he change, I cannot say. That is completely up to him. – Mike

Do you think before you act?

Do you think before you act?

Dear Michael, Thank you for helping others with your personal perspective. The irony is, you are actually helping others in an apparently selfless way – which is, as we all know, contrary to the Narcissist’s way.

As you have said in a previous post, the learned behaviour of the narcissist is ingrained from a very early age – from a narcissistic parent or someone else as an authoritative figure.

I hope you do not mind me asking you, but as you have become *aware* of your personality and the narcissist traits, has this helped you to *change* in your attitude towards relationships and how you treat people generally?

Do you think before you act or say anything now – or do you still have to be in control? Or has the realisation set you free?

It would be nice to think that some Narcissists do actually *see* themselves for what they are and find the strength to change for the better.

Thanking you

Answer:

I can only speak from my experience and growth, with that being said, after a LONG time of destruction and pain inflicted on others I have come to the point of being aware of how I treat others. I can see and feel the pain I have caused and the suffering I have inflicted on ones I loved.

I am fully aware of my disorder and what I have done. I take each day as a victory that I can go without “relapsing.” I know it is not something that can be cured with some magical pill and I need to work on myself each and every day to restrain from going back to who I was.

My attitude towards relationships has grossly changed and I value and cherish them more now then ever before. Although I know I have done irreversible damage I know I can look forward and treat the new people in my life with respect. It is not something I am proud of BUT I am proud of the fact I have seen the abuse and damage I have caused and am making every effort to stop repeating it.

I 100% have to think before speaking or acting, it has NOT become second nature yet and at times I do see myself falling back into old ways. I do however have a great accountability group and working daily to improve myself. My relationships have improved drastically, some have forgiven me, others disbelieve me and have moved on. I cannot control how others think and feel about me.

I hope this helped you and answered your question.

Sincerely, Mike

Convincing liar who has fooled professionals…

Convincing liar who has fooled professionals…

Hi there, I have a question for Michael please.  He has been diagnosed as a narcissist by professionals, I am wondering if this is due to him being so open and honest about his thoughts and feelings.  My ex partner and father of my daughter I believe without doubt to be a narcissist and it seems a possibility now that he may be evaluated.  However, he denies anything he has done, he believes I’m mentally ill and have made it all up, he is a very convincing liar and has fooled other professionals countless times.  Is it therefore possible he will also fool a physiologist?

Answer:

Most true narcissists can easily manipulate a psychologist, therapist or similar.  We thrive off of the “game” of showing others how “brilliant” we are.

For me the therapists were a game, them verse me, and most of the time I would “win” and they would ask me to not come back.

Even if he is evaluated and comes back as one, that does not mean he will accept it nor does it mean he will want any help.  Most, deny it and refuse to believe there is anything wrong with them.

Remember, this is a disorder that has been instilled in them since 4-5 years old.  They know no other way of thinking or acting.

– Michael.

Do They Know What They Are Doing?

Do They Know What They Are Doing?

When a narcissist is devaluing someone do they know how much they are hurting the other person?  Do they know what they’re doing?  Is it that they don’t care?

Answer:

Typically they do know but it is about making themselves feel superior.  Many times after I would look back and have some regret, but then I know “she deserved it.”

We look at things differently and many times we do things that a “normal person” would not.  We do not look at life through the same glasses you do, ours are misshaped and warped, BUT, we look at it as normal and natural.

He Controls What I Wear

He Controls What I Wear

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 8 years.  He tries to control who I talk to, what I wear, how I should have my hair styled and has cut me off from people who I used to be so friendly with.  I keep hoping he will see that I can make my own decisions and how he’s not helping by his behaviour but any time I try to talk to him he goes off in a rage and doesn’t speak to me for days.  What I want to know is why do they carry on like this when they’re bound to know they’re causing problems and pushing their partner away?  Thank you.

Answer: 

People sometimes confuse control freaks with narcissists.  That being said, there is no “making him see”, we do not think they way you do and he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.  There is no “talking to him” as you are trying to tell him that he is wrong and that is the LAST thing a true narcissist wants to hear.  The cutting you off from people and such is just a form of control.  Nothing more and nothing you did.

Does a narcissist have regrets?

Does a narcissist have regrets?

I have read that a narcissist is never sorry.  Do they ever have regrets about people that they’ve discarded?  Even if they won’t admit it to other people do they feel sorry for the way they treated their ex?  Do they admit it to themselves?  Thank you in anticipation.

Answer:

Typically we only have regrets over the loss of someone we needed to feed us.  Yes we regret the loss, but it is self centered regret. If they do say sorry it is typically done in such a way that there is an excuse and an attempt is made to get some type of pity.

Can’t admit something to yourself that you do not see or understand. 😞

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