I’m Afraid

I’m Afraid

I’m struggling a bit at the moment
Today is the 12 month anniversary of when I went to the police and had the abuse documented and I’m 12 days from the anniversary of his final leaving of my home. I’m healing ,the whole of last summer I had to have 15 weeks off my work as a therapist due to a total nervous breakdown. So I’m back at work everything seems ok I’m free I’m planning a future . But…….. in October last year I had a gastroscopy and it seems I had gastritis and peptic ulcers not bacterial , I thought ok fair enough then in December I get summonsed to see haematology so on Tuesday I get this news…….. at best I have chronic blood cancer and my spleen needs removing at worse I have multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer) and even with best treatment I’ll be gone in 5 years. I’m 44. I’ve been keeping private journals on fb and today I posted this to myself for the future, short as it maybe:-
Well I’m awake but so sore everywhere. I feel sick, deeply viscerally sick. Ok I was able to just get up and get on with stuff feeling exactly like this three days ago, the only difference is is that I know mostly what is wrong. I’m preparing for the worst. I’m trying to accept that I’ll never fall passionately in love with “the one” again, I will probably never have sex again, I will most definitely die without the love of my life beside me making sure I’m not afraid. I think I might be grieving the loss of my optimism that I could find happiness.
I’m going to die alone surrounded by everyone wanting me to be strong and brave.
I wanted to share this with someone else who I don’t feel the need to make this ok for. Everyone around me really needs me to be the front runner of positivity and “it’ll be fine” but inside I’m afraid .

 

 

3 thoughts on “I’m Afraid

  1. My <3 goes out to you! I’ve just reached one month of finally being free from the narc I was dating for over a year. During the past four months I’ve lost my dad, my dog, my house, and my vehicles. I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease last year. I am a Cervical Cancer survivor, but just last month I find out that it has returned to my vaginal walls. I found out that the devil I was dating had been cheating on me almost the entire time we dated. While I’m so glad the relationship is over, it is still confusing how I could love him so much and the fact is that he never loved me at all. Through all this stress my doctor said it is probably what has caused the cancer to return. I want you to know that I can relate to the feelings of fear and also hopelessness. I feel like no one will want me with all these problems and who knows how long I’ll be around anyway. I’m struggling every day to find hope, but have decided that each day is a gift and while we don’t know the exact number of days left on this earth, we can try to enjoy each minute of each one that is left and spend precious time with our loved ones who are our biggest gift (and sometimes biggest pains!) I know this earth is a miserable place and hope that you can look forward to an eternity of joy and painlessness as I do. Please don’t give up hope! You’re strong, brave, and courageous. Thank you for sharing your story <3

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