To dance with the devil was my destiny

To dance with the devil was my destiny

Childhood was dark and extremely traumatic. I witnessed things no child should ever see. I was in year 5 when I had my first anxiety attack. I went through life hiding my nerves. I was so self conscious and timid I was afraid.

My father was abusive in just about every way. The onslaught of verbal abuse was relentless every day. Occasionally he’d flip and we would all wear bruises for a few days.

My mother took the brunt of his abuse, we would hide in our beds pretending to sleep. We knew the sounds, a slap meant black eyes a thud was bruised ribs the sound of her being choked. We didnt need to see it the sounds told us all. We knew what we would wake to see the next morning.

My mother the victim, she passed it on. In ways she never knew were wrong. She screamed at us from the moment we awoken. Poor mum she was always so broken.

We had a sacred place where we were all free. At night to us children she would read. We would huddle and listen to her story telling. She bought the book to life, she was always so animated so happy and free. This time of night we were a family. Dad stayed away! Fear was forgotten we were free to enjoy life.

I was a teen when my mother fled the scene. We were abandoned she needed to leave. She was tired torn and beaten. She just vanished one night, never came home from work. Dad called the police it was terrifying. Seeing them search her belongs checking her clothes looking for signs of her wanting to leave.

Her picture was in the papers and on the tv. She had vanished no one had seen. 4 days later the police came again. They told dad to prepare for the worst she had vanished without a trace. Rumors flooded the little town of her leaving with a stranger that evening.

Dad tracked her down, found her hiding with friends. I’ll never forget it was the only time I had seen him cry. He hugged me and gave permission to shed a tear. Father, brother, sisters and I went to see her in another state.I’ll never forget when we had to choose. Stay with mum or return home with dad. The boys left the girls stayed.

I felt abandoned I felt betrayed. As much as I wanted to I just couldn’t stay. Dad needed someone to help him through these dark gloomy days.

For some reason I’ll never understand they tried again and we were family let’s play pretend. Our days were bleak we wanted this no more. A few years later he finally walked out the door.

I was lost destroyed I couldn’t take anymore. I began to write about demons in the night. I grew my hair I wore a cap. I hid my face. I never wanted anyone to look into my eyes and see the pain inside.

I was just a boy I was 17 my world was dark and gloomy. I had no direction no desire to be. Along comes my angel she was here to save me. The year was 1993.

Her presence was glorious, she was amazing. She was to much for someone like me. Something drew her to me. Some of my pain I allowed her to see but never the demon lurking within me.

Typical teens we lived in each others pockets. I learned so much about her, I found her deepest darkest pockets. A father who didn’t care and a mother who struggled living on welfare.

My story and pain I never did share. I couldn’t because I couldn’t recall what was there. My mind so black, memories blank. Like scratch art a few lines of color were all I could see. The darkness so empty my mind tricked me.

We were 21 we got engaged. For some reason I lost my identity. I was now her fiance, I was no longer me. Inside me I felt so empty. A pain a misery I began fighting each day. My demons fed on this rage.

I dare not speak of my feelings so bleak. I was so tired. My feelings and insecurities dismissed. I looked for alternatives, the demons I kissed. My emotions I buried, I dismissed.

My demons take over, an outburst of rage! They would break free, of their cage. My worst nightmareI was now living. My existence I begin questioning.

The guilt would eat me alive, tryng to make it up I’d strive. This was the cycle for years to come. My demons lurking bringing me undone.

I fell into depression, such a horrible retrogression. I was isolated myself, I felt I had no worth. My baby doesn’t love me she won’t hold and hug me. I struggle to the couch and sit there. Finally she comes to me, my tears were there for all to see. I swore never again! My bike was no longer my friend.

As I fell into a see of black. The love of my life on me she turned her back. Distracted with her own thoughts of marriage a surprise wedding she planned. In her mind this was to be so grand.

I’ll never forget that day walking in to that room. TV camera in my face a radio DJ and all asssume. I had no choice I didn’t know what to say. I said sure yeah I love her why not ok.

As I walk through the room filled with people all here for her on this day. My dad I abuse telling him they have betrayed. I suit up so we can wed that day.

My anxiety goes nuts, with my new ring I play. No speach prepared I didn’t know what to say. The words came out I felt so stupid and useless that day. My dream wedding taken away. My mother and sisters absent.

I sat at the bar with my best mate who refused to be my best man. We drank really fast, my emotions he tried to calm. He could see the storm brewing within. He knew my demons were lurking.

On our wedding night I gave her a fright. I told her she had betrayed that day. From that moment I began to decay. I isolated myself I ignored my phone. I would say no don’t visit I wont be home.

For 8 years I hid in this virtual place. I found someone new, with her I hope a new love to replace. I planned my escape, I was out the door. Boxing day we would be no more. Christmas day I lay in bed then the wife’s voice messes with my head. Merry Christmas I’m pregnant. The new found friend I never went and met.

My world was no more, my heart was torn my heart pierced by such a big thorn. I built with rage I was trapped stuck inside a cage.

I stay at home and care for my son. Its during this time with him I finally fall in love. We had so much fun he kept me alive. For a year now I had just wanted to die. I hid my sadness I hid my pain. In the shower my tears of shame. What is wrong with me I’d ask, lost in this darkness I wear a mask.

The end of 07 we come alive. Finally I have life inside. Then in the new year a surprise I find. Social media, context hidden from view. My world turned so blue.

Yes I broke the damn rule. I felt betrayed destroyed and shamed. For weeks she lied and said it was the voices inside. Nothing was going on. I’m jealous untrusting it’s all in your mind your crazy.
You lied!

Then finally she breaks me and says yes I was looking for attention I wanted more. I was broken destroyed and doomed once more. I asked her to leave she wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t leave my children’s home.

I lost my shit my lid I did flip. The trauma and depression came to the fore. My anxiety was uncontrollable. I was me no more. This wasn’t an outburst a moment of rage. This time the demons were here to stay.

I was so abusive I felt so betrayed she wouldn’t go she insisted she stayed. I went to the doctor seeking help. It was a mutual friend I reached out to who I would well.

I told the wife she burst out in jealousy and rage. My demons freed from their cage. To her I stopped talking. Every night I began walking. The drugs just weren’t working.

Another friend reaches out. The wife knew her, she has a spouse. I expose my new found confident. 2 days later here we go again. Jealousy and rage I can’t contain.

Finally we are done. She tells the world of the demon I become, she never says how it all came undone. Her innocence she claims and my demons are to blame.

I now know I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety. Now I feel the pain of parental alienation. I now tell my story to give her justification. I thought I was weak for falling to demons sobleak. Now I see my biggest demon isn’t inside, next to me it sat in plain sight it would hide.

I now hold my head high and feel I have achieved. I danced with the devil she had seduced me. I danced to her tune to the beat of her drum. Yes I was abused under her thumb.

Now I am free I fight for me. To dance with the devil was my destiny. My story you are witnessing. My story I am confessing.

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