As the relationship flounders, and it will, it becomes obvious that there has been an unspoken code of conduct throughout the ‘friendship’ that you have unwittingly signed up to. To help others short circuit from initial meeting to running as fast as possible in the opposite direction, here are some of the rules to spot.
- Even if you are as right as it is humanely possible to be, if you disagree with the narcissist then you are wrong. Always.
- You must arrive on time for any meeting. Lateness and cancellation, particularly last minute, is only permitted by the narcissist and must never be questioned.
- Phone calls must always be answered at whatever time of day and night but ONLY and this is key information, if it is the narcissist calling you.
- All other friends of yours are not important now. Remember that. Same goes for family members. Your time and focus must only be on one person and you can guess who that might be!!
- Your memory is unreliable. Your recollections of events are wrong. Your faulty memories will be corrected to the facts though so don’t worry. But you will, as the facts don’t match up at all to what you remember. And you do, clearly.
- You must accept that your reactions are both oversensitive and insensitive. Always.
- Any discussion you wish to have about the narcissist’s inconsiderate behaviour towards you is unreasonable and unnecessary. Discussions will be blocked or terminated. You might be mocked for trying to have a discussion. Accept this. Get over it and move on should become your mantra. It’s the only way forward.
- You need to make changes in your behaviour (despite never having been told this by any friend before. They were just too polite to tell you your many character flaws obviously but luckily your new friend is more direct and honest. Lucky you.
- All advice from your ‘friend’ is to support you in becoming a better person and if it sounds harsh or cruel then it is only an attempt to help you and you should appreciate that. Always.
- Only one person can make and break the rules and it sure as hell ain’t you.
I don’t expect sympathy for what I’m about to say. I’m a narcissist. I know I’m not a nice person. I don’t want to be the way I am but I can’t change. I’ve tried but nothing ever lasts. Relationships don’t last. People leave. Everyone that ever knew me has left me. I don’t want to be on my own. I have never admitted to anyone who I am. Life sucks being like this but it’s the way we are. I wish you people would understand that some of us don’t want to be this way. I know why people leave me because of the way I am. I want them to stay but they’ll never know that. I can’t let people know that it is going to hurt when they go. That would be like admitting I need them, showing my vulnerability which only I know about. Can’t let anyone see the soft side but it’s there, always hidden, only visible to me. Yea, what a great person I am!
I am on day 20 of zero contact with my ex Narc. Currently getting love bombed and have been warned that if I contact he will make sure it is finished on his terms next time…to punish me.
My mind doesn’t stop with how I would respond…if I was going to respond. So just want to share something that may be helpful for those in the same situation…
I write the texts into ‘notes’ on my phone… so at least I can express how I’m feeling and get it out of my mind. I will never send them because I already know how he will react and attack. The quickest way through this quagmire of pain is zero contact…but I think it’s important to express.
When I read through my notes of unsent responses, I can clearly see the depth of pain I’m in…but also as the days go on I can see that I will heal from this and the tsunamis of emotions from intense love to hate and anger are very real.
Hope this helps someone. Grateful for the support on this page. ❤️
I want to put this out there for spouses going to court with a narcissist.
I went in wary because I heard how the judge buys their bullsh*t. Well not in my case. I answered my questions honestly. He got up there and he didn’t answer anything directly. It was, to the best of my knowledge, and if that’s what it says there.
After a while the judge rolled his eyes. Later my attorney asked him about dividends he cashed out. He got $90,000 and he won’t pay $5 for his daughter’s medicine.
Anyway he does this so it looks like now he makes less money. My attorney says, ‘So you put it in other investments to make more money?’ Indignant he answers, ‘No!’ Attorney chucked and asks, ‘So you invested so you’d make less money?!’ Well no…
Made a complete ass out of him. Hahaha. So some people do see through all the evasion and lies. He’s such a d***.
Just thought I’d share my experience.
A month ago I left my what I know now as narcissistic partner. I’d had too much…felt absolutely insane with the things he’d put me through despite him making me believe that it was my fault. I booked a flight one night and left the next day arriving back with my family on the other side of the country.
First off he was all very, “I miss you. I love you”. Then I found out 2 days after I’d left he was with someone else. Great love? Soul mate? Ha!
So I went No Contact after a friend had advised me all she knew about narcissistic people in relationships from her experience.
I studied and researched. Crammed my mind with information about this disorder. All whilst dealing with the crippling anxiety and loss of identity, and the absolute heartbreak of losing a ‘person’ I loved with all my heart.
So…curiosity got the cat. I broke No Contact. Partly because I didn’t believe it and wanted to give it another chance, and partly to see whether he would run through the cycle.
After 2 weeks…love bombing to unbelievable levels, slow creation of doubt and sly criticism, cutting off the insane affection, gas lighting…and then tonight marked the night that proved to me….with the nasty discard. I had done nothing wrong. And all the while I knew what was going on. The most interesting thing is it was all played out via phone calls and text from 4000kms away. And despite me knowing I’m still so heartbroken again!
Moral is: Once you know you know! Don’t play with fire to prove it burns!
Years ago I started my journey to find out who I am and what I wanted out of my life. All my life I was told, by mom, who I was ‘supposed’ to be. So I was. Now that I have rid those negative hurtful people out of my life, I have found that my positive outlook has changed me from who I was to who I was always meant to be. Last night my son, whom hasn’t been around me since I’ve changed, called and is struggling in his life. He is so very negative and I was able to tell him how to turn all this negativity around to the positive. He had gotten stuck in the rut of life that I was once stuck in. After we hung up, his negativity had over come me and my anxiety was through the roof. As I sat to try and figure out what in the world was happening, I realized that I really don’t have negativity in my life and this is why. Wow! I figured it out and stopped the process of what was happening. I’m still a work in progress but I have come so very far at fixing the years of abuse that I endured. Big day! About an hour later he sent me a text thanking me for turning his negative attitude around and helping him see that there were options and a way out. See, all my hard work was for a reason. One of your posts made me want to share this with you. If I can help just one person find their way our of the pain, then all my pain was worth it.