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My Story… 

My Story… 

Four weeks into my healing process after breaking up with what was supposed to be the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with…
But that is a fairy tale really…
As soon as four months into the relationship I have been dealing with numerous red flags.
One year later I ran away afraid of being hit.
Another four months later after another attempt…  I broke all bonds for my own well-being.
Social Media, phone, WhatsApp…  All lines of contact have been blocked.
And the thing that really makes me angry, I am a trained health professional, knowledgeable about disorders, aware of red flags…and I let it happen.
Because that is what you do when you love someone.
Sometimes they do little things you don’t like…and you forgive them.
They love you and it won’t happen again…  Right?
Wrong…
Unfortunately in real life a narcissistic character is not able to love, not able to show empathy, not able to comprehend the basics of how to treat people respectfully.
What makes a narc tick is how you make him/her feel better by your actions.
Unconditional love is something alien for a narc…no surprise I never got an ‘I love you’ over two years.
Intimacy is a way of payment, if you behave ‘good’ (read: as long you make them feel good) they will shower you with warmth.
If your actions do not follow up to their standards they give you the silent treatment as way of punishment, you are expected to crawl back…
And apologize…
Because understandably the victim is the cause of every conflict in the relationship…not the narcissist.
On a regular basis, I have been belittled, called out names, my intelligence and beauty trampled on and never got one apology.
Same goes for others.
Narc’s often have a long line of past relationships…all failed due to lack of competence from the other.
With everything that does not happen the way the narc wants, there is someone else at fault.
Does not get a promotion…surely his boss has not seen how amazing he is and made an error.
Does not perform on professional tests for certification…surely the examiner set him up to fail.
And so on…the narcissist is always the victim in every situation.
It even goes so far that if you talk or want to start a serious conversation…you are at fault for giving them a headache.
You can see how that kind of life style is detrimental for a good relationship.  Living with a narcissist is living in an actual rollercoaster soap opera.
Aside to that I was slowly slipping in social isolation.
He checked my every movement, no phone call or text was to be answered late without drama.
Personal free time or spending time with friends was an insult to him.
After a night out with friends he actually made an ad on a dating site seeking female friends because his girlfriend prefers spending time with others…
Not even mentioned the extensive need of validation narcissists seek in the other gender.
My narc was a pathological liar when it came to other women.
He had steady contact with about four women behind my back, when confronted he lashes out in a huge verbally abusive temper, what nerve I got meddling with affairs that did not concern me.
No surprise that when given an ultimatum, me or others…he chose the frivolous life he is so attached to.
And for the good
After all, I was expected to invest in his dream house (financially), his dream job (dreams of being self-employed) and his dream life.
He had no means for that, can barely hold a job and has barely worked in two years.
And I was not to expect anything in return…gold digger is what comes to mind.
Even knowing I have been emotionally and verbally abused the last sixteen months.
It does not stop the hurt or pain, your love never really answered…it leaves its damage.
One should think that the knowledge of being abused creates a faster healing process…faster forgetting.
I wish that were true…that is the emotional hold the narc has over people.
Today I found a note, a note I wrote six months ago.
Points I tried to talk about with him the last time I agreed to give it another go…what was I thinking trying to reason with him?
Seeing it back I am overwhelmed with the feeling: nothing new here, look at what you wrote down so long ago…get over it, stop thinking about how much you loved him.
Today writing about…helps me one step further into the healing process.
And one day, when the tears have dried up…I will be stronger.
Your site is a welcome source for people dealing with this, keep up the good work.
You will make a better life

You will make a better life

I just wanted to share. I just wrote this to myself.  Tomorrow I will leave this abusive relationship I’ve been in for just over a year. I have an 8 year old and a baby on the way. And I can’t take it anymore. We will all be better off. I wrote this because I know how he works and I know he will try to get me back like the last three times I’ve left.  I love this page so much and just wanted to share.
Whenever you feel like you miss him read this. Don’t forget the way you feel right now. Sad, upset and disgusted. Sad because you found your better half, knew he had issues but loved him anyway. Upset because of all the times he’s gotten drunk and called you nasty names.  When he looks at you with evil eyes.  When he told you he wished you’d lose your baby with a smirk on his face.  When he tells everyone around you how you’re the problem when yeah maybe you yelled, maybe you said things to poke him back but how long did you take it? How long did he put you down and make you feel worthless before you spoke up because you were so tired of fighting that endless battle. No one sees that, no one hears it. Disgusted because even when he isn’t drinking he’s still impossible. Loves you to death one minute.  But if he doesn’t have his way or you say or do something ‘wrong’ then bam! His mouth starts running that same old story. That manipulative way he has that you’ve learned so well and know it’s useless to try and talk to him.  Everything’s your fault right?  So you shut down. Then he gets mad and you know it’s because you won’t fight back and cause more drama for him to feed on.  All the things he has said to you and done to you that no one knows about…replay that in your head, now. You deserve to be treated so much better. You don’t miss him, you miss what you wish he was, what he seemed to be on ‘good’ days. That’s no way to live, walking on eggshells to keep him happy. No More.  Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking he is sorry or that he will change. He won’t. You’ll be fine. You are strong and you will make a better life without the emotional and mental abuse he dishes out. Be happy. Raise your kids and in time find real love.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being Friends with a Narcissist

A Beginner’s Guide to Being Friends with a Narcissist

 At some point in your life you may become befriended by a narcissist.  This is particularly likely if you are an empathetic, kind and generous soul who tends to see the good in people.  It is also more likely if you have not had that particular ‘pleasure’ (in the loosest sense of the word) before as your friendly and open personality won’t recognise the red flags waving at you ominously in the beginning.  You see you haven’t met your best friend ever after only a few weeks and the fact you seem to share so much in common is not fortuitous coincidence.  You’re being love bombed.  The word to focus on here is bomb not love because that is totally faked.  Bombs aren’t cool.  They hurt people and cause damage.

As the relationship flounders, and it will, it becomes obvious that there has been an unspoken code of conduct throughout the ‘friendship’ that you have unwittingly signed up to.  To help others short circuit from initial meeting to running as fast as possible in the opposite direction, here are some of the rules to spot.

  1. Even if you are as right as it is humanely possible to be, if you disagree with the narcissist then you are wrong.  Always.
  2. You must arrive on time for any meeting.  Lateness and cancellation, particularly last minute,   is only permitted by the narcissist and must never be questioned.
  3. Phone calls must always be answered at whatever time of day and night but ONLY and this is key information, if it is the narcissist calling you.
  4. All other friends of yours are not important now.  Remember that.  Same goes for family members.  Your time and focus must only be on one person and you can guess who that might be!!
  5. Your memory is unreliable.  Your recollections of events are wrong.  Your faulty memories will be corrected to the facts though so don’t worry.  But you will, as the facts don’t match up at all to what you remember.  And you do, clearly.
  6. You must accept that your reactions are both oversensitive and insensitive.  Always.
  7. Any discussion you wish to have about the narcissist’s inconsiderate behaviour towards you is unreasonable and unnecessary.  Discussions will be blocked or terminated.  You might be mocked for trying to have a discussion.  Accept this.  Get over it and move on should become your mantra.  It’s the only way forward.
  8. You need to make changes in your behaviour (despite never having been told this by any friend before.  They were just too polite to tell you your many character flaws obviously but luckily your new friend is more direct and honest.  Lucky you.
  9. All advice from your ‘friend’ is to support you in becoming a better person and if it sounds harsh or cruel then it is only an attempt to help you and you should appreciate that.  Always.
  10. Only one person can make and break the rules and it sure as hell ain’t you.
Adherence to the code will ensure a period of time where you can enjoy your relationship with the narcissist with relative success before the inevitable discard that is all your fault for being a horrible person.  At this point, you will feel totally confused, hurt and used.  You will turn to the internet, spend every minute of your free time researching narcissism and become an amateur world expert in narcissistic abuse survival.  You will begin to see how duped you were by this frenemy and feel more hurt and upset.  You will refrain from sharing your new found knowledge with many others though as you realise that if they haven’t been through a similar experience, they will see you as becoming a bit unhinged and obsessive.  But hang on in there because after an unspecified time, you will feel lighter, happier and freer than you have felt for some time.  You will see how sad and pathetic the former friend really is.  You will have no inclination to ‘refriend’ them and most importantly, you will be so much stronger and ready to avoid ever falling into this kind of relationship again.
I attempted to reason with the unreasonable

I attempted to reason with the unreasonable

I made the huge mistake of breaking the no contact rule I had in place.  My narc ex husband of over 8 years recently started being nice and communicating about our children.  I knew it was a matter of time.  I even warned our kids not to get their hopes up, my almost 19 year old was leery, but my 13 almost 14 year old was hopeful.  Well it only took a week, but here I am kicking myself and feeling so stupid.  I let him get to me, I let him bring up the past, mock me, criticize me as a mother, indirectly call me a deadbeat (I am now paying him child support) and he got in my head…again.  I had worked so hard to keep him out.  I thought I could keep the boundaries this time…ha!!  What was I thinking?  He will never stop being hateful and evil and mean.  My poor kids are suffering his mental/verbal abuse and I’m worried about my son.  He convinced him at 12 to live with him…he told him I lied in court and took our kids from him, so I owed him.  My poor son was manipulated into living with him full time and I only have visits.  Now I’m concerned for my son’s mental health.  My daughter lived there for 1 year when she was 17 1/2 and she called that year hell.  I have so much guilt for bringing these beautiful amazing children into hell.  I have once again told my ex no contact.  I am still trying to block the things he said to me and trying to forgive myself for attempting to reason with the unreasonable.  I knew better.
I wish you people would understand

I wish you people would understand

I don’t expect sympathy for what I’m about to say.  I’m a narcissist.  I know I’m not a nice person.  I don’t want to be the way I am but I can’t change.  I’ve tried but nothing ever lasts.  Relationships don’t last.  People leave.  Everyone that ever knew me has left me.  I don’t want to be on my own.  I have never admitted to anyone who I am. Life sucks being like this but it’s the way we are.  I wish you people would understand that some of us don’t want to be this way.  I know why people leave me because of the way I am.  I want them to stay but they’ll never know that.  I can’t let people know that it is going to hurt when they go.  That would be like admitting I need them, showing my vulnerability which only I know about.  Can’t let anyone see the soft side but it’s there, always hidden, only visible to me.  Yea, what a great person I am!

I will heal from this

I will heal from this

I am on day 20 of zero contact with my ex Narc.  Currently getting love bombed and have been warned that if I contact he will make sure it is finished on his terms next time…to punish me.

My mind doesn’t stop with how I would respond…if I was going to respond.  So just want to share something that may be helpful for those in the same situation…

I write the texts into ‘notes’ on my phone… so at least I can express how I’m feeling and get it out of my mind.  I will never send them because I already know how he will react and attack.  The quickest way through this quagmire of pain is zero contact…but I think it’s important to express.

When I read through my notes of unsent responses, I can clearly see the depth of pain I’m in…but also as the days go on I can see that I will heal from this and the tsunamis of emotions from intense love to hate and anger are very real.

Hope this helps someone.  Grateful for the support on this page. ❤️

Some do see through the lies

Some do see through the lies

I want to put this out there for spouses going to court with a narcissist.

I went in wary because I heard how the judge buys their bullsh*t. Well not in my case.  I answered my questions honestly.  He got up there and he didn’t answer anything directly.  It was, to the best of my knowledge, and if that’s what it says there.

After a while the judge rolled his eyes.  Later my attorney asked him about dividends he cashed out.  He got $90,000 and he won’t pay $5 for his daughter’s medicine.

Anyway he does this so it looks like now he makes less money.  My attorney says, ‘So you put it in other investments to make more money?’  Indignant he answers, ‘No!’  Attorney chucked and asks, ‘So you invested so you’d make less money?!’  Well no…

Made a complete ass out of him.  Hahaha. So some people do see through all the evasion and lies.  He’s such a d***.

 

Don’t play with fire to prove it burns

Don’t play with fire to prove it burns

Just thought I’d share my experience.

A month ago I left my what I know now as narcissistic partner.  I’d had too much…felt absolutely insane with the things he’d put me through despite him making me believe that it was my fault.  I booked a flight one night and left the next day arriving back with my family on the other side of the country.

First off he was all very, “I miss you.  I love you”.  Then I found out 2 days after I’d left he was with someone else.  Great love?  Soul mate?  Ha!

So I went No Contact after a friend had advised me all she knew about narcissistic people in relationships from her experience.

I studied and researched.  Crammed my mind with information about this disorder.  All whilst dealing with the crippling anxiety and loss of identity, and the absolute heartbreak of losing a ‘person’ I loved with all my heart.

So…curiosity got the cat.  I broke No Contact.  Partly because I didn’t believe it and wanted to give it another chance, and partly to see whether he would run through the cycle.

After 2 weeks…love bombing to unbelievable levels, slow creation of doubt and sly criticism, cutting off the insane affection, gas lighting…and then tonight marked the night that proved to me….with the nasty discard.  I had done nothing wrong.  And all the while I knew what was going on.  The most interesting thing is it was all played out via phone calls and text from 4000kms away.  And despite me knowing I’m still so heartbroken again!

Moral is: Once you know you know!  Don’t play with fire to prove it burns!

Turning the negative into the positive

Turning the negative into the positive

Years ago I started my journey to find out who I am and what I wanted out of my life.  All my life I was told, by mom, who I was ‘supposed’ to be.  So I was.  Now that I have rid those negative hurtful people out of my life, I have found that my positive outlook has changed me from who I was to who I was always meant to be.  Last night my son, whom hasn’t been around me since I’ve changed, called and is struggling in his life.  He is so very negative and I was able to tell him how to turn all this negativity around to the positive.  He had gotten stuck in the rut of life that I was once stuck in.  After we hung up, his negativity had over come me and my anxiety was through the roof.  As I sat to try and figure out what in the world was happening, I realized that I really don’t have negativity in my life and this is why.  Wow!  I figured it out and stopped the process of what was happening.  I’m still a work in progress but I have come so very far at fixing the years of abuse that I endured.  Big day!  About an hour later he sent me a text thanking me for turning his negative attitude around and helping him see that there were options and a way out.  See, all my hard work was for a reason.  One of your posts made me want to share this with you.  If I can help just one person find their way our of the pain, then all my pain was worth it.

Be your own best friend and take control

Be your own best friend and take control

I rarely feel the need to submit reviews on products or websites.  But sometimes something, or someone, helps you so much you just want to share and make sure that they know.  I wasn’t sure how you accepted people’s stories and interactions with narcissism, so I thought I’d send along a short version so you could a) understand how you’ve helped me, and b) feel free to share it with others.

My story starts right around this time last year, when I started a new job.  I met my narc, a new co-worker, immediately, and noticed a little spark between us right away.  Within my first month I noticed him pursuing me – the literal mirage of a prince charming – and shortly after we were dating and inseparable.  I’d never felt so loved, so happy and so in sync with someone in such a short amount of time.  Nothing had ever moved so quickly for me before, so I got wrapped up in what I thought was ‘the real thing’.

Months after we became official, my narc blew me off for our date night.  He’d been married before, and texted me that he was getting cold feet and needed to think.  I was supportive and gave him his space.  I didn’t hear from him for a few days, he avoided me at work, and within a few days, he finally texted me, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  He acted like a total jerk at work, and within a week later, decided to check himself into outpatient rehab for alcohol abuse, taking a 28-day leave of absence from work (he hid his alcoholism well, as I wasn’t aware of this either).

The day he left, I found out that I was pregnant.  It was the worst news at the worst time that I could ever expect to get.  I had to call him and tell him everything to see where he stood with everything.  I was shocked when he seemed flat on the phone, and said, “Whatever you do is fine with me.”  At the time, I read it as supportive and sweet.  But that’s the most illogical reaction I could ever get from an ex-boyfriend…a friend…a co-worker.  It didn’t make sense, and I realized I had to handle this situation myself.  It was awful.  I weighed everything back and forth, alone as my narc was in treatment, and made a decision to terminate all by myself.  I kept waiting for him to urgently call me, scared that I would go through with this, or even more scared that his becoming a father could become out of his control.  But rather than pick up the phone and call me, he chose to post a selfie of himself on Facebook.  True story.  Still coming out of this traumatic situation, I tried to not think too much of this, though I found the behaviour unsettling.

27 days later, he came back to work.  I hadn’t heard a word from him.  Not ‘How are you?’ ‘What did you decide to do?’  (Can you believe it?  He didn’t even know my decision and didn’t even care to check in.)  No ‘May I help take care of you?’  Nothing.  He came back to work scared and cowardly, and didn’t offer me anything.  I, on the other hand, felt an immense need to share with him what had happened, thinking that he would be dying to get caught up on a situation that might have been our child.  Nothing.  I gave him time and space, walked past him in our own hallways, and he skittered away from me.  One day I finally walked into his office, cautiously, and asked how he was doing.  He looked grateful, and nervous.  I told him we needed to talk, and he agreed.  We set up a time for coffee later that week, and cautiously started to become friendly.  I couldn’t wait for coffee because this situation was traumatic and awful and I felt like I couldn’t handle it alone.

He blew me off.

The next week, I demanded we talk at work, and we did.  He was rude, irritable and couldn’t believe I’d come to him with the issue of my pregnancy.  When I told him things like, “It made me feel awful that you didn’t check in on me. Offer to help, emotionally or financially.” He propped his feet up on his desk, put his hands behind his neck comfortably and told me, “I’m really sorry you feel that way.”

This is the moment that I knew I was not dealing with someone ‘normal’. I didn’t know what narcissism was at the time, but I definitely understood sociopath-ism.

One week later, he started publicly pursuing a different girl in our office.
I cried, I went to therapy, I was angry.  I was sad.  I had the support of close friends and managers, and months and months later, I decided I was a survivor, a lucky lucky woman, not a victim.  Just like me, every girl before me, and every girl after me, he treated that girl like garbage too.   All while he works 100 feet away from me.  Sometimes I go over this story in my head and it doesn’t even sound real to me.  I never encountered a person in my lifetime that was so horrific, but they exist.  The lesson was, and still is, one of the most upsetting things that I would ever experience in my life.

I see my narc five days a week.  In meetings, in the hallway, in the lunch room.  His lustre has since worn off.  Our co-workers knew we dated, but they didn’t know the silent tragedy that happened between us, and I will never let them know.  I’ve slowly regained a normal life again, and can say that one year later, I’m happy again (though I do experience setbacks regularly, I am able to handle them just fine.)  There isn’t a person in my office that wants to talk to him nowadays.  I never even had to badmouth him, he just dug his own grave.

My message that I hope to share to other men, women and survivors by telling this story is that you are better off.  Logically, it’s hard to take in for a lot of people.  If you’re like me, you treat people with respect, worry about hurting feelings and consider the impact that you have on those and the world around you.  So naturally, you expect others to consider this.  My message is that it’s them, and not you.  If you are like me, and someone walks into your life and destroys it, without so much as flinching, be your own best friend, take control and refuse to let them.  You might feel powerless, or like you’re not good enough or that there’s something wrong with you.  Let yourself feel those things so that you get them out of your system.  Start to follow your gut when you’re treated a certain way and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes, they deserve it.  Other times, like all interactions with Narcissists, do not.  They care about one thing and one thing only: themselves.  This doesn’t reflect on you, and you have to let that sink in.  Once it does, it’s like the clouds part and the sun can come out again.

Remember that the clouds always stay in front of the sunshine with a narc, despite what they want you to think.  And then think of yourself and how far you’ve come, and thank God that they are no longer in your life.  They are probably five victims in behind you, leaving a path of destruction that you couldn’t even imagine directly behind them.

Join me with a sigh of relieve and a sense of gratitude, rather than sadness or emptiness. They are not your problem anymore, and you are free.

Even if one person reads this, I hope it helps as so many people from this site have helped me!

God bless