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No one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me

No one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me

A year

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  I imagined the teacher would present themselves as a kind-hearted, angelic and loving being. I never imagined that the teacher would present himself as a monster hidden behind a façade of a soul mate. Such is my story. My teacher swooped into my life and swept me off my feet.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open.  I allowed myself to expose my vulnerabilities because my teacher loved me and would protect me.  my teacher quickly became the man of my dreams. we celebrated finding one another… Finally.  In a world of broken promises, betrayal, pain and built up walls, we no longer needed our armour. We had each other.  In his eyes, I saw my future.  The years of holding back, of waiting for the right time to allow myself to trust, he had arrived.

What started off as a love so true, slowly transformed into a nightmare.  But I refused to see it.  What he once loved about me, the vulnerabilities shared with him, slowly turned into the arrows he shot me with.  He knew I loved him. When I was hooked, his mask started to fall off. He was no angel at all.  He was the devil disguised.  Yes, I stayed.  I transformed to the best of my ability, into someone that tried to be loveable.  He loved me once before, surely, he could love me still. And herein lies the lesson.  I loved me less and less and truly wanted my teacher to be proud of me and love me still. I forsake myself and fed my self-worth and value to the devil. But he could not be satiated. The more I gave, the more he wanted and needed. Until I no longer recognized myself.

I’m not too proud to say, it was not I that ended the relationship. I was committed to show him again, all the reasons why I was worthy of his love and affection. he treated me horribly. He was mean and vindictive and apathetic. If I cried, he would get mad.  If i refused to argue, he would get angrier. Towards the end of the relationship, I wouldn’t engage in arguments, I would swallow my pride and hope that he could love me still.  That’s who I became.

But its okay.  Sometimes teachers don’t tell us, they show us.  And my teacher showed me. he showed me that no one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me. my teacher challenged me to stand up when I was bowing at his feet. The relationship ended when he blamed me for him needing to find someone better.  He met someone better…. That is what he told me. at that point, I understood the lesson… It was the last test… I must stand up.

I stood up.

This isn’t intended to disrespect him. It’s not about him. He was placed in my life for a reason. This is about me and my story and growth. I wish him well on his journey.

Things I’ve learnt in a year…

Things I’ve learnt in a year…

It is about a year since the words ‘narcissistic abuse’ appeared on my radar. That ‘eureka’ moment of reading online about a set of behaviours and matching them to what I had been experiencing with a ‘friend’ will be ingrained in my memory for ever. I’m not going to retell the tale of that friend. Suffice to say it was hurtful, beyond comprehension at the time and not an experience I ever want to repeat. But, here I am a year later with no contact set in place , and I can reflect back on what I have learnt from this life changing encounter.

Well for starters, I have learnt a whole new vocabulary.  Gaslighting, projection, blame shifting, who knew?? Well me now! I read everything I could lay my hands on for months, I spend many, many hours on narcissistic abuse forums and websites. I began to see the patterns and similarities of my story with others’ experiences. The same phrases uttered; ‘you’re too sensitive’, ‘that didn’t happen’ ‘I didn’t say that’, ‘what is wrong with you’ ‘I’ve never had problems like this with anyone else’ ‘that was your fault’ , ‘you just don’t get me do you’, ‘why do I always need to explain myself to you’, ‘Do you think you can control me’ (!) and that’s just the regularly repeated ones.   Guess what though – turns out it wasn’t just me on the receiving end of those phrases, but that these seem to be taken straight out the virtual emotional abuse manual issued to the toxic. Seeing the similarities made me see that I was indeed not alone in having being manipulated by someone with no empathy and a need to control. I found that reassuring as much as extraordinary that I’d never been aware of all this before.

I’ve more or less stopped checking the websites now, just the occasional peek, and Amazon has stopped the ‘ how to spot a sociopath at 10 paces,’ recommendations for my reading , but the experience still sits within, with a degree of sadness . It has made me look at other friendships with a more judgemental eye. In some cases, I’ve put some emotional distance between people I now see as not being particularly kind or caring. I can also see that I have always given people too many chances, been too keen to excuse inconsiderate behaviour and allow people to treat me in a way I wouldn’t dream of treating them. Not anymore. I’ve also realised that some of my friends whom  I used to regard as more sedate and therefore less exciting, are in fact the very people who have always acted with genuine kindness to me and I’ve made much more effort to just enjoy the company of these kind people, even if it isn’t out having wild times with them. I’m appreciating the authenticity of these people who don’t have an agenda of stealthy control and manipulation disguised under the pretence as being a pal.

I do look back with regret. I can see how easily I was drawn into this toxic relationship by ignoring my instincts because I felt flattered by the attention offered and enjoyed the spontaneity and the novelty of having a friend who seemed SO in tune with me.  But ,and what a but,  I can also see how it was all an act to pull me into a relationship where my expectations were slowly but surely  lowered to actually accepting abusive behaviour.  Where I felt that I had to try really hard to maintain the approval of this friend. Where I began to feel like the effort was one sided, where all promises were broken, where my personality was under scrutiny and found wanting on so many points and …oh you know how it all ends with these kind of people!
I’ve had to deal with mutual friends asking what happened many times. Initially I felt I had to give a blow by blow account with all the ensuing reactions but now, when  asked, I  just say we don’t really see each other anymore. I’ve even asked some people to stop giving me any information about my former friend as I’m not interested. In one case, the person seemed unable or unwilling to not act as a good between so I’ve also cut my connection with him. No great loss really.

Anyone who has been through an experience like this will appreciate how hard it is to make sense of. The idea that some people thrive in actively abusing someone they claimed to love and create an illusion of who they really are to hook you in, just sounds so twistedly unreal but I reckon I would recognise the warning signs now . I’ve found writing about my experiences very cathartic.  To share my story anonymously with sympathetic people who understand has helped me enormously. I have realised that the qualities of mine that made me so attractive to my former friend are the very qualities that I should focus on acknowledging more to myself. More self care, and self-compassion are going to be my focus from now on. I hope you too can join me in those goals and thrive and flourish  in a future free from toxic behaviours.

He does not care who he hurts

He does not care who he hurts

After 3 years of dating we got married 20 years together, looking back now there were some subtle warning signs back then. Such as he’d be bossy have a little tantrum when things didn’t go his way.  At the time we both worked yet he never helped around the house. I stopped working at his request when our first child was born, he never helped with the baby.  Shortly after my son was born I developed some serious health problems, I was found to have a blood clotting disorder and I ended up in the hospital due to a blood clot in my lung. He actually had a bit of an attitude while I was in the hospital because there was no one home to cook for him.  When I got home from the hospital he expected me to be back to normal and when I wasn’t there were more tantrums.  I eventually started feeling better but shortly after I began to feel sick.  After many doctors’ visits and specialists, it was determined that I had chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia.  They said that it was possibly the stress of the blood clot, I had also been experiencing severe postpartum depression ever since my son was born. I pushed myself really hard and although I was not 100% better, I faked it. When my son was two, we wanted to get pregnant again although it was advised to me never to become pregnant again due to the blood clotting disorder.  When our second son was born he was extremely sick he was born with fluid in his lungs, had asthma and contracted RSV. The doctors told me that there was a great possibility he would not make it during this time, I cried in the hospital alone.  He not only finished the work day, but stopped for a beer afterward.  My mother watched my oldest son while I stayed by my son’s side in the hospital.  My husband showed up when he felt like it, never stayed late at night, always had to go home early and basically left the bulk of this on my shoulders.  After about two  son started to get better so I started taking the kids out every day.  We would go over and sit at my mom’s house because my sister would be there with my niece and the kids could play and we would go to the playground and things like that.  I would always ask him to pick me up from my mom’s house after work because I don’t drive.  This made him angry and he would sit outside of my mother’s house revving the engine and when I told him that I would like to start stopping at the supermarket on the way home from my mom’s to pick up something to cook for dinner, he would become extremely angry.  It would be during these trips home from the supermarket that he would start calling me names and being really nasty.  He went through a stage of when he would come around the backseat to help me get the packages, he would get up in my face and repeatedly say pig pig pig pig talk eventually led to him spitting and making splitting noises in my face a few times.  He actually did spit on my face when I asked him why he told me I couldn’t take a joke.  When we would get in the house he would say things always get cooking woman and things like that.  In 2005 I left him, I wanted him to see what life is without me in hopes that he would mend his ways.  I moved around the corner to my parents’ house.  His parents lived on the same block so he would go over to his parents’ every day to see what I was doing, yet he would never talk to me.  He would sit on the step and give me a dirty look, so I assumed things were not going to change.  About a month after that, I received an invitation to go spend the weekend in Florida with two friends of mine, they paid for my ticket.  I went on the trip because I needed some time away and it was only for a weekend. During that weekend, one of the two friends was a guy and I ended up hooking up with him (I had filed for divorce when I left him so I did not consider this cheating). I went to Florida one more time for another weekend and the same thing happened but this time I really started to feel sad and I really started to think there has got to be someway I can work my marriage out so, I had my sister talk to him and he agreed that he would be willing to work things out and that he would change his ways.  We got back together, at first he was very nice and very apologetic for the way he had acted in the years prior.  About two months after that I discovered I was pregnant with our third child.  Now remember I was not supposed to have anymore children after my first because of my health. After my third child was born my health declined rapidly. He did help sometimes but when he did he made it as if I ‘owed’ him.  In the course of three years I was not only in great pain physically, he was being very hurtful.  I had fifteen major surgeries and he told me I was useless and worthless. He cut me off from my friends by keeping in touch with them making up all kinds of stories (which I didn’t find out until later).  My only friend was a girl I had met online years prior.  But he gave me a hard time about talking to her because she was Mexican and he is racist.  He used to call her my wetback friend (excuse the language as I am not racist).   He then began cheating. First girl was in her early 20s and him 38.  I later heard from her he told a bunch of lies about me to her and that he was moving way too fast.  That ended and he was sorry. I took him back. A year later I found there were three other girls online at the same time all listening to the same lies and stories. One caught on and stopped.  The other two continued. Out of those two, one girl came clean and began talking to me, telling me everything.  He was sending them both the same emails, songs, naked pictures, videos etc. until the one girl had enough.  So he was just left with one.  Here’s the funny thing as I said before he’s racist, especially towards Mexicans (I’m not so please don’t think I am). Well this new girlfriend is Mexican.  He carries on a long distance relationship for the past 4 years and has changed so much his own family is shocked.  She is a very materialistic girl and he gives in to the materialism and lets her groom him. He hates facial hair but she insists on it.  He dresses in clothes he does not like. And listens to music he does not like.  All the while he treats his family and the people who love him like garbage.  He is so full of himself, he does not care who he hurts and it looks like he’s found his match in her.  He has children that are hurt by this behaviour, but it rolls right off his shoulders.   How do you act around a man like this to knock him down a few pegs?
Here’s why I stayed

Here’s why I stayed

If this helps just one person I’ll be happy. Thanks to the recent papers what’s happened over the last 2 years that was my sad secret is now there in black and white for everyone to see. So here’s why I stayed. Anyone who would like to share this you’re more than welcome too.

People ask me regularly, ‘why stay Jess?’ Well here’s the answer. When you’re in an abusive relationship any independence is secretly stolen from you. It happens so slyly you don’t even know it has. Your mind is warped into theirs and you find even breathing without their say so difficult.  You’re led in under false pretences, they’re the most charming, kind hearted, loving, thoughtful and amazing person you’ve ever had in your presence but this is the act that gets you stuck there praying to see a glimpse of this man. That man isn’t real. He’s the act they should win an Oscar for. They are the abusive nasty man they pretend not to be and promise you won’t ever have to meet again because YOU are his queen. But sadly you’re not. You’re a victim of this evil man’s abuse and although every time is the last time it never is. They say if you put a frog in hot water it’ll jump out, but if you put a frog in cold water and slowly start to boil it it’ll stay there and die. I was that frog. I’m now on my second court case with the man that abused me because after the first I still believed he could change. I’ve come to realise I’m not the week woman I thought I was I’m just a kind person that believed an abusive man and although I have some very low days even in them I have my freedom now. I know it’s hard to leave and you want them to be the man they worked so hard to convince you they are but they won’t change and it doesn’t get better. That’s my story and that’s why I stayed ❤
A dad who has had enough

A dad who has had enough

I had an ex that is spreading all kinds of lies that I’m a narcissist. She has several issues for one she has mental health issues an all sorts of other health issues. I’m going through a divorce and she started associating with the ex. And ex was telling her everything that happened throughout the whole marriage and started conspiring against me. So I started to realize what’s happening and then she started pulling away from me picking fights over nothing and not speaking for days not touching each other for days and then started accusing me of having an affairs.  Which I wasn’t and I started pulling away from her because she started threatening to kill herself and cursing my children and family members and threatening to physically harm people. And slandering my name and stalking my Facebook page she went as far as contacting all the females on my page and telling them I had Hepatitis C. Which is false I was tested and it was negative. And telling them that we were getting married and stuff like that. And to top it off she went as far as telling me she was pregnant and killed it and had it sucked out and buried it in my back yard. And the worst part of it was that my ex knew about the whole thing and didn’t come forward to authorities about it. And then they’re both talking about me to my children and making me out to be this monster. They cost me my job and pressed charges against me that was falsely accused. Attempted court. So now they’re working together on trying to ruin the rest of my life. And they’re just money hungry because the ex feels she deserves it for all the years we spent together. But the best part of the whole thing is that my ex-wife is having an affairs with my brother while I was at work providing a place for them to live and doing this in front of my child. I offered the ex-wife a large amount of money and pay all the bills and loans off so she wouldn’t have to disrupt my daughter’s life and she refused because I wouldn’t let my brother stay in the house. So she’s living in a trailer with him which is violating a court order. She took everything and cleaned out the bank accounts. And I tried several different times to stop it from going to court. And asked her to stop associating with Anne. She said she hadn’t spoke to her since I asked her not to.  But found out she lied and has been talking to her the whole time. And trying to convince everyone that I’m a narcissist. On your page so I just wanted to let everyone know that it’s not nice to slander someone’s name that has been nothing but trying to do the right thing for my daughter’s best interests. A dad that has enough of the abuse.  Thanks for sharing this
I am proud of myself

I am proud of myself

I want to clear the air on a few topics that are dancing around in my head at the moment.
Deep breath*Ever since I have moved I have had a chance to breathe.
As many of you know my childhood, teen and adult life has not been ideal. Abuse, failed marriage, death of both parents. I’ve had my fair share of heartache.

Anyone who really has the knowledge understands that in abusive relationships the abuser breaks the victim down emotionally and tries moulding them into who they want them to be. That’s what happened! For many years I was a empty shell for filling someone else’s path.

When I left I didn’t know up from down or left from right. I didn’t know who I was or how I was suppose to be.

I have become stronger being up here and I am proud of myself for that! I had to “cut.”

For two years I cut the strings of everything negative in my life. Especially people!!! I had to separate myself from many. Not because of how they were but how I was. A broken girl who couldn’t handle negativity.

I have learned that negativity is toxic.  And to continue building and finding who I am. I plan on continuing this “detox” for myself. I have been super proud of myself for finally stepping away and finding myself.

Who am I? I am someone who has seen the darkest days and never let that effect my heart towards life. I like nature!! Who knew!! Caves, waterfalls, hiking, fishing…. I’ve learned that “Tiffanie” would rather lay in a hammock on top of the mountain then shop! Don’t get me twisted lol I still love shopping lol But being up here has showed me the beauty I have needed to see for so many years.

Before I was a weak woman who wanted others approval. Now……. I am fierce, wiser and stronger!!! 💪 Nice to meet you 😉

💜Also!! Mad props to my hubby for allowing me to grow. Many men should strive to be like you!! You have been so supportive of me throughout this process and I can’t even express how much that means to me after everything I have been through. You are my rock!! 💜 So thank you for holding that mirror in front of me and showing me happiness is what I make it!💜 You have always held my hand and led me to becoming a better “Me” 💜
By Tiffanie Massey
I came from a narcissistic family

I came from a narcissistic family

I am still fighting this battle but it has been an awakening for me so much so that I made a post on this on my site. I’ve read, learnt and gain so much knowledge it’s my duty to share my experience and create even more awareness your page has played a key part in my journey. Thank you.

When I was a little girl my mother used to refer to my Granma and aunts (her in-laws) as “those people” and she still does, little did she knew that  “those people” have a name that’s attached to them they are called Narcissist. I grew up very confused as to why she tried her very best to protect me form those people; after all they are my blood. They called her crazy, I called her crazy. I mean why would my mother separate me from the people I love that took care of me, lavished me with toys and gifts and everything imaginable. Now that I am an adult I find myself fighting the same battles my mother fought when she was my age.

I came from a whole narc family grand ma, dad, and two aunts and if that wasn’t bad enough I went ahead and married a narc!!!! Of course at the time I never heard of the term narcissist or NPD that until I married the narc himself and noticing the red flags. With tremendous amount of research I pieced together the twisted puzzle I was in.

Here’s my description of my NPD husband.
He’s like a volcano always bubbling always ready for eruption it only takes one more vibration and then Boom!! Explosion!!! Then he simmers down, always simmering, always bubbling over the edge eagerly ready and waiting to explode again. It’s the etching away of yourself overtime if they become successful you will be  left, broken, exhausted beyond belief, complete loss of true self.

There is hope, I am living proof you can overcome. I have completely gone no contact with my narc family I haven’t divorced my husband yet, however I have implemented strict strategies to detatch myself from him and I am able to still keep my sanity.

I am reaching out to other wives that’s tied down to their narc husbands and family members. Low contact or no contact is the ultimate goal but when it’s not possible we must support and learn their tactics and implement strategies of our own. I hope I can be source of hope to anyone who hears my story.

This chapter is over

This chapter is over

Hello, I had my divorce trial against my narcissist the other day. Of course he lied in court. I’m grateful my attorney had all the evidence to refute his claims. The judge saw through his performance as well. She granted me sole custody. He has one day a month of supervised visitations, has to pay all of my attorney’s fees and back pay on child support. We can only communicate through my family wizard. I still feel something inside me saying he will still try something and feel terrified because of all of the past abuse. But I would like you to post this anonymously to please let your followers know that these evil narcs are not all as smart as they think and they don’t always win. He was also convicted of a crime he committed against me… I prayed long and hard… This has taken years… But my divorce is final and this chapter is over.
She was never really a friend

She was never really a friend

Losing a good friend is always difficult. Losing a friend with the realisation that the person was never really your friend at all is devastating. It’s a double whammy in the loss of friendship that you valued dearly and the gradual reveal of what that person really was. I’ve spent way too many hours now on the internet trying to make sense of my experience and want to share my story for two main reasons. Firstly, most stories of abusive relationships on the web assume a role of partner, not platonic friendship and I would have liked to read about other people’s experiences when the words emotional abuse first appeared on my radar and then secondly, given that no closure will ever be given by my former ‘friend’, I’m hoping that by retelling the story I can do this for myself.

It wasn’t an instant bond that developed. I met this person and liked them but didn’t really spend a lot of time with until several months after we met at an evening class. There was a little group of us that used to meet up and socialise together and I enjoyed the company. The special individual attention then got focused on me with many nights out arranged, almost daily chats on the phone and an eagerness to spend time with me that I found touching at the time.  I now realise that this was all part of the assessment process to see if I would make good supply or not. Very quickly from being part of a group, the friendship became more intense and exclusive. My suggestions to invite others along were rejected as it being better fun ‘just the two of us’ and I was flattered, sadly. Having recently lost my best friend of many years to cancer some months before, I can now see how ripe for the picking I was. It felt great to have a ‘best friend’ again. Someone who was always happy to see me, make plans at short notice, never say they were too busy and yet…sometimes I had a funny feeling in my gut. Some of her stories didn’t always add up, some of them even sounded a bit unlikely and then the recounting of her terrible childhood, in the middle of a busy pub, with tears appearing then disappearing again almost as fast as I comforted her, and said how sad it was to hear all this.  But I submerged those feelings of doubt as me just being over analytical.
The thing about manipulative behaviour is that it is stealthy. You don’t go from being adored to devalued overnight. It is more sly and subtle so you don’t realise how your position has changed to always being in need of some correction, ‘too sensitive,’ ‘too quick to overreact,’ ‘can’t take a joke,’ ‘the most sensitive of any of her friends ever.’  Actually there were no other friends in evidence. I was much struck by this but the answer was that many of them had just lost touch over the years. One other name got mentioned but only in very derogatory terms. How she had been a good friend but had changed and now was just a user, was guaranteed to spoil a night out with negativity and she probably should just cut her out of her life. No surprise that the last time I saw my ex friend socially, she was sitting next to this woman at the pub.

The selfish, inconsiderate behaviour increased. Always late, never sorry, increasingly critical, demanding of my time, high expectations of what I should do but favours never reciprocated, not the person I first met who told me how much we had in common and what close friends we were.  Phone calls went unanswered, plans got cancelled on the day last minute.  And all under the veil of me being too sensitive if I reacted in any negative way to this. She would ‘toughen me up’ to do me a favour!!

She asked once ‘what has happened to the easy going, cheerful person I used to know?’ and I accepted this, although a bit puzzled and apologised for being a bit stressed from work, even though I didn’t think I had been. This is the effect she had on me. She was so confident and had this air of always being right I assumed I must have been what she said I was. It’s like a subtle form of brain washing where you lose sight of the actual facts to the version they tell you.
The last time we arranged to go out, she cancelled just as I was leaving the house to meet her. I’m an easy-going, placid kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt (perfect target really!) but that day I had enough and told her so in no uncertain terms. Her reaction was astounding. Screaming at me about who did I think I was, did I think I had some control over her, how dare I and how this was all too much for her but with a lot of swear words in there too! That was effectively the end of the friendship although I didn’t realise that at the time. I tried so hard to make amends, to sort things out and build a bridge for the sake of the friendship I believed we could re-establish.  I know, mind-blowing even reading that myself! Her reaction was aloof and icy cold. I had suggested meeting up for a chat. She ignored my text for days then said she might consider it but was too busy at the moment. I felt totally bewildered that someone who a matter of months ago was professing how happy she was to be my friend was behaving like this. Then I discovered the concept of an emotionally abusive relationship on the internet and the rest began to fall into place. I gave it one last shot after a few weeks of silence. I regret doing so now but at the time it felt so important to try, in case I had got it wrong about what I thought she was. There was no warmth there, no acceptance that her behaviour had been even a bit inconsiderate, it was all my fault and she’ had never had a problem with anyone like this before.’
Last time I saw her was at a birthday party of a mutual friend. I felt very nervous about having to see her. She totally ignored me whilst making a massive fuss of the people I was with, hugging them all and saying how great it was to see them (not having made any effort to see any of them for over a year) I felt angry and hurt but managed to hide it. In fact, I felt a surge of power from within and decided I would go and speak to her to not allow her to treat me like that. She was quick to blame me for the friendship failing , saying I’m ‘vindictive’ which is so far from the truth that I burst out laughing, but I now also know is just projection. Within five minutes of saying this, she was suggesting we meet up for a chat and a coffee the next day. This didn’t happen as I realised it would be a very bad move and I declined the offer politely. And so that is it. Radio silence and I’m glad.

To anyone out there going through a similar experience, it hurts, it is unbelievably hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone who allegedly cared so much for you could treat you like this. Other people won’t understand the depth of your hurt unless they have lived through a similar experience. They can’t as none of it is comprehensible through ‘normal’ eyes. This is just a snapshot of the relationship.  In hindsight all the red flags were there from the beginning but it didn’t seem that clear cut at the time.  I realised something helpful that last time I spoke to my ex friend though – she really is just a child in a grown up’s body, lashing out, acting superior, trying to protect herself from her own feelings of inferiority and hurt. I don’t know if she is narcissistic, sociopathic, a combination of the two or just manipulative and emotionally abusive but I’m realising it shouldn’t matter as she was toxic to me and I need to ensure I don’t ever involve myself with someone like her again.

Everything in our relationship centred around him

Everything in our relationship centred around him

My ex and I dated for 18 months. And although that is just a short amount of time, we were in a crazy, whirlwind romance that started quickly and moved fast. The red flags were there from the beginning, after only a week of dating I found nude photos on his phone from a woman he claimed was ‘just a friend’. In addition to the nude photos, he constantly told her how much he loved her. All of this while she was married with two kids. That was the first red flag. When confronted with this information he stormed out of my house, he left. He came back to talk to me about it and I fell for his lines immediately. Narcissists are charming and use their words wisely. After that the hits just kept on coming. One night while driving home from dinner, about 1 month into our relationship, he asked me if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him right now. I said no, that we had only been dating for a month. He turned into a man I had never seen before, he told me that it was over, that if I couldn’t say yes to him right then that we had no business being together because he was looking for someone who didn’t question anything. I should have known right there and ran for the hills.

This is how things continued for us for a while. He would have too much to drink at a fourth of July party and leave our house saying “this isn’t working, I’m going to get a hotel room, I can’t do this.” I never knew what set him off or why he stormed out, but one thing he always did was come back. And one thing I always did was let him. He left about three or four more times after that, always coming back the next day. This was usually fuelled by alcohol. Along with this I dealt with him always texting or Facebook messaging other women. He was a heavy flirt, constantly pouring attention on to any woman that would give it back to him. He always told them inappropriate things like “if I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go to bed alone.” He always told me I was overreacting or didn’t know what I was talking about when I would finally get nosey enough and look through his phone. He was very protective over his phone, changing the password, not letting me use his phone if I forgot mine, etc.

Everything in our relationship cantered around him, we did what he wanted to do, he did what he wanted to do, and he very rarely joined in on family activities or anything that involved my family at all. Getting him to take a trip to see my sister was like pulling teeth, and it being brought up usually resulted in an argument. He worked from early morning to evening, I’d cook dinner, he would eat dinner and usually fall asleep on the couch. Very rarely did he help with cooking or cleaning or anything that involved our house. I would pay all the bills with my check and then have to ask him for money to pitch in, which would also usually result in a fight. He would throw some money at the problem but he never even knew how much the rent was or how much the water bill was. I pulled more than my fair share of the weight, it was always me putting in all the effort and him putting in none. And anytime I tried to bring any of this up it resulted in a fight and him storming out to go get drunk and returning home at 2 a.m. with “I’m so sorry,” and “I love you so much.” I walked on eggshells a lot of the time because I hated the fights. He always made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.

He was also very inappropriate with his ex-girlfriend. He told me from the beginning that he was friends with his ex, and I thought that that was very mature and respectable. Little did I know that he was actually very much obsessed with his ex, they told each other they loved each other still, and they were in constant contact. He would delete messages or texts so that I didn’t see them, make up reasons to see or call her like he needed to order more Advocare from her or that he was going out to the bar that she works at with his buddies after a day of working on the ranch. The first time we broke up was because of her, and his actions with a few other women. I moved out of our house and into my own, and within 5 days he had another woman staying with him. Again he claimed they were just friends and he was helping her move. We ended up getting back together and after this. He swore he loved me and things were different this time, he knew the mistakes he made and he promised to fix them. He said he would distance himself from his ex-girlfriend, but always told me that she was a big part of his life and that they would always be friends. I of course fell for every word, and for a while he was different.

Things were good for a bit. Really good. It got me thinking that he had changed, that it was different this time. But the monster emerged once again after a few months. He started talking to other woman again, he never put any distance between him and his ex, and he started acting strange towards me. Distant, not texting or calling as much, not very interested or talkative at all. At this point in our relationship he had started working in North Dakota, which was 5 hours away from home. He was gone for at least 10 days at a time and home for a week. We made this decision so that we could start saving money and pay off some bills. Shortly after going back to North Dakota, I could tell something had shifted in him. He came home for Thanksgiving, spent the entire night talking to other women on his phone, and when I confronted him he stormed out. The next day he returned to his job and told me that he was ending our relationship. This was November of 2016. We ended our relationship on December 5th of that year.

Since that point, up until very recently, things escalated to a very out of control point with him. After breaking up with me I heard everything under the sun – from “I’m scared of commitment,” to “I’m not sure if this is what I want out of life,” to “I want to beg for your forgiveness and beg for another chance, but I’m not going to,” and “I still love you and want you back.” Of course, every time I tried to talk to him about the things he said he would tell me I blew everything out of proportion or took something out of context. It was always my fault for misinterpreting everything. He took full responsibility for why our relationship didn’t work out, saying nothing was my fault, it was all his, but he uses that to make himself look better for his female friends. He says it’s all his fault, but then he doesn’t want to talk further about it with anyone or discuss any specifics. He kept me hanging on with texts and calls like this until he started seeing someone else two months after we broke up. He then proceeded to tell me that he is going to treat her right and not make any of the same mistakes with her as he made with me. He said he knows exactly what to do now, and he learned that from our relationship. It was like taking a bullet. We fought and fought through text message and over the phone, I’d tell him that he was just going to hurt her too, and he told me “no I’m not, I really like her, I’m going to be good.” Finally I had had enough, I blocked his number for the first time after that. Four days later he and that woman broke up, and I got a knock at my door. It was him, of course. He told me that the last woman was just a mistake and that they are just friends who decided they were going to date one night after a drunk night at the bar. He said they were just good friends. He told me that he still had really strong feelings for me that would just not go away, and he wondered if there was ever a possibility of us working things out in the future after we build a foundation of civility and friendship. We discussed this idea for a while, but when I told him that we needed to compromise and find some common ground, that this couldn’t be all his way or the highway, he told me it wouldn’t work and that we just needed to go our separate ways. Then we would talk about it some more, and I would tell him that if we were going to do this it was with the goal of fixing what was broken between us and that he needed to not be talking to other woman romantically while we worked on things. Of course he didn’t like this idea at all, he wanted to keep me around as a friend while he figured out what he wants, and I told him that was not going to happen. I just recently found out that he is still staying with the woman he dated for four days, of course he claims they are just friends and that she lets him stay at her apartment when he isn’t at work. I feel bad for this woman because I know exactly what she is getting into, I know that he is just using her for a place to stay, and that this cycle of abuse will continue with him with every woman that he meets. He told me that he was unhealthy with me, but he is capable of being healthy in another relationship with another woman.

Two nights ago he showed up at my house at 2 a.m., drunk, after calling me 14 times. He said he wanted to talk about us. We talked until 5 in the morning, but it was like a broken record with me saying the same things and him repeating his idea that he wants “friendship and civility” from me. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, then told me the next day that he meant he “has love for me” not that he is “in love with me.” Of course our conversation got nowhere, and after he tried to get me to sleep with him I told him he had to leave. He got mad and threw something, then told me he was going to stay at the other woman’s house for the rest of the week. The next day he told me that she is his girlfriend. He admitted that keeping me hanging on was wrong, that this was unhealthy and that we needed to just go our separate ways. I told him that I agree, confronted him with the fact that I think he is narcissistic, emotionally abusive, a pathological liar, and his drinking escalates that and makes him out of control. He of course denies it all, and says that it was me who made him unhealthy.

This morning I told him that if he shows up at my house and 2 a.m. again that I would be calling the police, and I blocked his number. Being in love with somebody like this is the most exhausting, challenging, cruel things I have ever experienced in my life. I am drained, I am nervous all the time, I am almost an empty shell of the person that I was before I met him. He spun every situation into something different, told me I took things out on context or didn’t know what I was talking about, he made me crazy. And I acted crazy too. This situation is crazy making.  He lies, he manipulates, he uses. And he has already moved on to someone else. I know this process for me will be long and tedious, but I know that I need to keep the no contact going. I also know that this is probably no the last time I hear from him and am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be tough enough to not fall back into this trap. It’s a long, very painful, very emotional process.

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