No one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me

No one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me

A year

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  I imagined the teacher would present themselves as a kind-hearted, angelic and loving being. I never imagined that the teacher would present himself as a monster hidden behind a façade of a soul mate. Such is my story. My teacher swooped into my life and swept me off my feet.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open.  I allowed myself to expose my vulnerabilities because my teacher loved me and would protect me.  my teacher quickly became the man of my dreams. we celebrated finding one another… Finally.  In a world of broken promises, betrayal, pain and built up walls, we no longer needed our armour. We had each other.  In his eyes, I saw my future.  The years of holding back, of waiting for the right time to allow myself to trust, he had arrived.

What started off as a love so true, slowly transformed into a nightmare.  But I refused to see it.  What he once loved about me, the vulnerabilities shared with him, slowly turned into the arrows he shot me with.  He knew I loved him. When I was hooked, his mask started to fall off. He was no angel at all.  He was the devil disguised.  Yes, I stayed.  I transformed to the best of my ability, into someone that tried to be loveable.  He loved me once before, surely, he could love me still. And herein lies the lesson.  I loved me less and less and truly wanted my teacher to be proud of me and love me still. I forsake myself and fed my self-worth and value to the devil. But he could not be satiated. The more I gave, the more he wanted and needed. Until I no longer recognized myself.

I’m not too proud to say, it was not I that ended the relationship. I was committed to show him again, all the reasons why I was worthy of his love and affection. he treated me horribly. He was mean and vindictive and apathetic. If I cried, he would get mad.  If i refused to argue, he would get angrier. Towards the end of the relationship, I wouldn’t engage in arguments, I would swallow my pride and hope that he could love me still.  That’s who I became.

But its okay.  Sometimes teachers don’t tell us, they show us.  And my teacher showed me. he showed me that no one has permission to degrade, demean, belittle and abuse me. my teacher challenged me to stand up when I was bowing at his feet. The relationship ended when he blamed me for him needing to find someone better.  He met someone better…. That is what he told me. at that point, I understood the lesson… It was the last test… I must stand up.

I stood up.

This isn’t intended to disrespect him. It’s not about him. He was placed in my life for a reason. This is about me and my story and growth. I wish him well on his journey.

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