Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

I have a question for the people in the group that have divorced a narcissist. Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

I really am not sure. As someone who is still fighting for custody (been over 4 years now), financially devastated, and having to live with my parents, I am not sure I would have left knowing all he crap he has put me through and continues to put me through.

 

21 thoughts on “Would you still divorce knowing what you know now?

  1. No, I would not have left.
    I would have waited, at least five more years had I known what I know now.
    The relationship was nothing compared to the separation and following divorce, and with children involved I would rather have made sure they had not needed to go through this.

    1. Omg I know….. my separation and divorce from my ex was way worse than the relationship. Abuse from afar, stalking, prolonging, abandoning the kids and then abusing verbally every chance he could but saying it was my fault to the kids. And much more I can’t even describe. Then he refused to sign the papers for over a year. If you hate me so bad why won’t you sign the papers asshole?! Ugh…. but I am happier now than I’ve ever been so yeah I would do it again.

  2. Yes, and sooner. I can’t get back the years I lost believing I was a valuable partner to a man who had so many, many faces and so many women he was sourcing from on the side. I deserve so much more. I mistakenly thought once we got his diagnosis of narcissism “oh, ok, well now we know what the problem is, we can fix this”. Instead, he played along in therapy, not regularly attending, while upping his sourcing o the side and discarding me. GET OUT ASAP. Otherwise you waste your life, for what?

  3. I wouldn’t have stayed any longer, but my kids were older at the time…one headed to college and the other in high school. I didn’t have to deal with custody or child support issues. I’m heading into a trial with him next month (he’s suing me for something settled in our divorce almost 3 years ago). I keep thinking, I just need to get through this and he’ll leave me alone…then I realize, he will never leave me alone.

    I think once your children are out of the house, things will settle down a bit…he won’t have any more “control”. There is no shame in living with your parents when the Narc ex is devastating you financially. I think laws need to change, maybe we can put our energy towards making things better in the court system for us.

  4. Yes. I was getting physically sick being around him. The adrenal fatigue, vertigo spins, panic attacks, unexplained pain, just feeling completely drained in every way all the time.

  5. Yes. I was getting physically sick being around him. The adrenal fatigue, vertigo spins, panic attacks, unexplained pain, just feeling completely drained in every way all the time. Had I not left I would have died.

  6. I honestly don’t know……I still miss the warmth of loving him – believing in the fantasy. I will never have that innocence again and I am sad for that. However the agony of fear and anxiety that I felt when I realised it was all just smoke and mirrors, an illusion – I could not have gone on living such a lie…..just wish the illusion could have continued – but that is just a dream, an ephemera.

  7. I’m sorry if there were children involved, which makes some people stay together. I didn’t have any but he was mean to animals too. That hurt worse than what he did to me. Get out safely as soon as possible.

  8. 100% Yes! If I should have left sooner! I know it is hard but it will get better. Stand up to them every chance you get. You no longer have to endure or take any of their crap.

  9. Yes! I wish I had divorced him after the first year. I was to innocent, hopeful, way to trusting and uninformed. He was self indulged…focused in all ways what others thought and sacrificed his relationship with me for it.

  10. Yes! & much sooner – I have also spent 2 years been financially ruined, almost lost my home, I’ve been reported to social service for ‘alleged child neglect’, he’s tried to get me sacked from a successful career. I had to fight him in court for custody, been assaulted harrassed and stalked by him and now he has disappeared not seeing any of his 5 children for a year. But I have amazing kids, friends, family and employers who stuck with me throughout and I’m nearly over it. I had a fabulous legal team and had the courts on my side, to see him spinning out of control in the courtroom was a sight to see. His parting words to the judge were ‘she’s got you eating out of the palm of her hands’ as he stormed out . Inside I was a wreck through it all but outside I put on my best outfits, had my hair done and walked into court with head held high – I refused to let him win. 20 years of abuse – 18 months no contact now – and I can begin to see my life again

    1. I am sorry for whatever happened to you. But in the positive side, you are the winner as you dealt with a powerful, armoured Envy, and now nothing can down you.

  11. YES!!!! I got an annulment from my narcissist because he portrayed himself as an upright “Christian” man who agreed with my no-sex-before-marriage stance…and then was profoundly impotent and blamed ME for it. We tried EVERYTHING…pills, injections…nothing worked. The fact that he had eaten himself into diabetes and hypertension and completely ruined his health had nothing to do with any of it. He flipped out on me during our first anniversary trip to Israel and hit me. Then threw a tantrum at the airport and nearly got himself shot. I got him home and threw him out. Wish I’d have decided not to go through with the wedding when he was fighting me tooth-and-nail on the pre-nup. He left me $15,000.00 poorer and an emotional basket case. Just now, three years later, have I felt that I’m getting my life back together again.

  12. I wish I could, but my abuser is my daughter- in -law. The abuse started the week after my granddaughter was born. She uses the child, now 6 as leverage. Claims I am a bad grandmother and an unfair one. She and my son live 1,000 miles away. I have been excluded from all but one birthday party. I haven’t ever been allowed to talk to my granddaughter or FaceTime with her. She wouldn’t know me if she saw me, even tho I visited there 7 times up until her first weeks. I would love to visit, but she tells me no… not until I apologize. She has has me blocked on social media, phone and anything I send gets burned. Ive been told she posts that she wishes i were dead. She forges emails and texts to make me look bad in my son’s eyes. And, he is doing everything she demands of him to keep his relationship with her. Then, she turns the tables and says that I’m bad because I have a grandchild that is 6, and I don’t care to even know her. She wants constant apologies for things I have not done. Out of desperation I have apologized many times, but it’s never good enough, is fake, or not sincere. She has a potty mouth, and is brutal towards me… but, sweet as pie to my son. She actually did send me a photo of the child last week opening my birthday gift I had sent. It was of the back of her head, along with a note saying the gift will never be used, wasn’t liked. She visits other (distant) relatives in the area but doesn’t let me knew she is close by until after she’s returned home 1,000 miles away. And then is mad cuz I didn’t ask her over.
    My son is just as much to blame. He lived with me for 30 years and I was very good to him. I miss my son, miss knowing my grandchild. Not sure if there is anything I can do. The goal posting never ends, as long as i keep trying.

  13. After 33 years, I got divorced. What sealed it for me? He refuSed to work for years. After depleating my retirement, he said he would ask for maintenence if I filed for divorce.I stopped doing literally everything for him. He was miserable, but resistant for five hellacious years I got down to 90 pounds. He finally said he wanted divorce and he would split sale of house, etc in half. I took the deal and never looked back. I was lucky, but have Years of my life totally wasted! !

  14. I wish I’d divorced him during the first year of marriage. I could have picked up my previous life and not wasted 15 years of abuse, years that I’ll never get back.

  15. YES! I filled for divorce to protect my kids. He had a bimbo on the side he was setting up house with…and he was planning on taking the kids. He was going to fill out the papers himself (which I would have picked apart) but he kept dragging around, so I filed with a lawyer. When I was awarded temporarily the house he was living in (he was abandoning it to live with the Bimbo.. it was too be rental property), I found TWO sets of divorce papers…one giving me custody, and one giving him custody. He was going to finagle the papers so I signed the set he wanted new to see, then file with one page exchanged. I’M GLAD I FILED! ! ! But yes, it’s a struggle. 4 yrs later he is still fighting for real property that had deteriorated. I had a retirement, a home PAID OFF, a car PAID OFF, and all that is gone b/c I trusted him. However, knowing what I know now, if I could go back, the marriage would have never happened. I just want to bang my head against a wall for all the crap I still go through b/c of him…b/c we had children together….what misery! And now he’s inflicting it on the children. However, b/c I stayed in it so long, I get HIS retirement, and it was one of my kids who found pics of the bimbo 😉 and thus he exposed himself to them what he really is…However leaving the awful image of the bimbo’s chest forever etched in their minds…
    I also was starting to half mental and physical issues…

  16. Yes, I would %100 without hesitation, and sooner.
    The toxic person will always be toxic. The toxic person will always be feeding off anyone they can make and keep as their victim. If children are involved , the sooner they are out of a lifestyle that is abuse of any type the less they will be imprinted that toxic behavior is ok, or to be tolerated or adapted to. And the less time and life they will spend in abusive relationships and also in therapy to get a handle on a healthy life and boundaries. The hardships faced once standing up against, naming and setting boundaries to exclude the abuse are healthy hardships compared to those destructive hardships of tolerating, adapting to, ignoring and suffering the willful abuse of being preyed on. I struggled, trying to survive with my abuser, thinking I was somewhat able to protect my children by sacrificing more of my mental and physical self, as well. When I finally and painfully became enlightened, seeing the manipulation tactics, finding and knowing there was support, and having support from others who saw, understood and would also stand against the abuse, I found those hardships worthwhile, and knew i was investing in healthy choices, despite the fallout of the abuser. BE AWARE: those who are part of your survival and recovery network may also be toxic or complicit people. Be vigilant for saboteurs who may try to appear on your side. Protect your self and children with only the sources and people who are truly helping you move on and be safer. . Educate yourself on the the entire dynamic of what the toxic web looks and behaves like as you navigate out of it. It is a repeating game of use and abuse. One terrible and all to common scenario is the survivor of Overt Narcissistic Abuse will end up the perfect supply for the Covert Narcissistic Abuser. It’s no picnic. But let it be your picnic, not the picnic the abuser. Take and keep control of your boundaries. Stand your ground. Be strong. You are worth respect. You have great value. You deserve to be treated with respect and decency. Anyone who can’t behave towards you properly should be cut out of your life.

  17. I wasted 23 years believing he was sorry, believing I was crazy, even thru the divorce I believed his lies, he took everything , then lied to our children about everything. It almost cost me my life. Been 5 years and I still am just in survival mode. I never even heard to word narcissism before. I am overwhelmed with the guilt of raising my children to think his behavior was normal or acceptable.

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