Here’s why I stayed

Here’s why I stayed

If this helps just one person I’ll be happy. Thanks to the recent papers what’s happened over the last 2 years that was my sad secret is now there in black and white for everyone to see. So here’s why I stayed. Anyone who would like to share this you’re more than welcome too.

People ask me regularly, ‘why stay Jess?’ Well here’s the answer. When you’re in an abusive relationship any independence is secretly stolen from you. It happens so slyly you don’t even know it has. Your mind is warped into theirs and you find even breathing without their say so difficult.  You’re led in under false pretences, they’re the most charming, kind hearted, loving, thoughtful and amazing person you’ve ever had in your presence but this is the act that gets you stuck there praying to see a glimpse of this man. That man isn’t real. He’s the act they should win an Oscar for. They are the abusive nasty man they pretend not to be and promise you won’t ever have to meet again because YOU are his queen. But sadly you’re not. You’re a victim of this evil man’s abuse and although every time is the last time it never is. They say if you put a frog in hot water it’ll jump out, but if you put a frog in cold water and slowly start to boil it it’ll stay there and die. I was that frog. I’m now on my second court case with the man that abused me because after the first I still believed he could change. I’ve come to realise I’m not the week woman I thought I was I’m just a kind person that believed an abusive man and although I have some very low days even in them I have my freedom now. I know it’s hard to leave and you want them to be the man they worked so hard to convince you they are but they won’t change and it doesn’t get better. That’s my story and that’s why I stayed ❤

16 thoughts on “Here’s why I stayed

  1. Well written. I can totally relate and understand why you stayed even when you knew it was a bad environment for you.
    Wishing you luck.

  2. You are a totally normal victim of narcissistic abuse, cognitive dissonance, and all the other little things that go along with it. I wish you peace in your life. I know very well the “staying” part, and want you to know that life afterwards gets better and better and better. xo

  3. Thank you for sharing. I too stayed to just catch him shining. I worked very tirelessly at ensuring to be a positive in his so called tragic life. His tears, his sometimes logical conversation had my heart twisted. How can a person be aware and kind then take it all away. It’s been a 3 years journey that I’m still angry about. Hurt about and ashamed about. So much more I could add, but this article did help me. It helped me remind myself I’m human too. I am happier alone.

  4. You are me and I am you – 25 years, three kids and watching my second daughter become his next victim slowly and nothing I can do to counter his lies, half truths because he’s so damn manipulative and mentally abusive and all I can do is pray and try to keep myself safe and pray my children survive.

  5. I am actually going through this now. I was on and off with a narcissist for 5 years. I finally let go of him and my heart is hurting. I feel like I’m not going to make it out of this. I’m bipolar/borderline so makes it even worse! He really crushed me and everything I had inside of me. Idk if I can get back up!

  6. I completely understand! It is just as you said. You completely lose yourself. They own you. It is not understood by many.

  7. Thank you for sharing!!! I have been struggling to get divorced now for years, I’m so grateful you don’t have his children, hurts not being able to protect his children

  8. Hi,
    Reading this and I feel it’s me all over yet I’m still here… 8 years of marriage and a child. Everyday is a struggle but I’m still fighting for our marriage.
    I ask myself all the time, Am I the problem? Am I crazy? I know this is not right but yet I can’t go.

  9. I completely understand. Been there… 7 long years. Tried so hard to escape and FINALLY found my window of opportunity that took me over 3,000 miles away from my home. But I had to…it was the only way for me to stop existing, and start living again. I left everything behind, pics of familyand friends, furniture, and my original birth certificate just to name a few. I doubt I’ll ever get those things back, but I have my life back. Don’t give up hope!

  10. So so true. Took me 32 years. Dammit it is a consistent pain realizing it at last! For being so Stupid! But I will survive. God is helping me.

  11. Your story has touched so many people…..Kudos for that…I too have lived your life i left 4 years ago and there isnt a day that goes by that Im reminded how messed up he left my mental state…I too left everything behind…His last jag at me was filling for divorce when my mother was dying from cancer he was in another state and i couldnt be there at the hearing so I Lost his retirement and benifits I spent 28 years with him and he was in the military.. so he won again…he has moved on to his next victim and unfortanatly my 2 girls are still mad that I left and our relashionship is gone Im the horibal one for leaving……..

  12. This is a dark and lonely recovering, but I will say what got me through this was learning to understand why I stayed which really wasn’t about him at all it was the deep rooted childhood trauma. We all have it and the NARC triggers it by making us feel the way we did when we were young. We stay because we are afraid to confront childhood traumas.

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