He does not care who he hurts

He does not care who he hurts

After 3 years of dating we got married 20 years together, looking back now there were some subtle warning signs back then. Such as he’d be bossy have a little tantrum when things didn’t go his way.  At the time we both worked yet he never helped around the house. I stopped working at his request when our first child was born, he never helped with the baby.  Shortly after my son was born I developed some serious health problems, I was found to have a blood clotting disorder and I ended up in the hospital due to a blood clot in my lung. He actually had a bit of an attitude while I was in the hospital because there was no one home to cook for him.  When I got home from the hospital he expected me to be back to normal and when I wasn’t there were more tantrums.  I eventually started feeling better but shortly after I began to feel sick.  After many doctors’ visits and specialists, it was determined that I had chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia.  They said that it was possibly the stress of the blood clot, I had also been experiencing severe postpartum depression ever since my son was born. I pushed myself really hard and although I was not 100% better, I faked it. When my son was two, we wanted to get pregnant again although it was advised to me never to become pregnant again due to the blood clotting disorder.  When our second son was born he was extremely sick he was born with fluid in his lungs, had asthma and contracted RSV. The doctors told me that there was a great possibility he would not make it during this time, I cried in the hospital alone.  He not only finished the work day, but stopped for a beer afterward.  My mother watched my oldest son while I stayed by my son’s side in the hospital.  My husband showed up when he felt like it, never stayed late at night, always had to go home early and basically left the bulk of this on my shoulders.  After about two  son started to get better so I started taking the kids out every day.  We would go over and sit at my mom’s house because my sister would be there with my niece and the kids could play and we would go to the playground and things like that.  I would always ask him to pick me up from my mom’s house after work because I don’t drive.  This made him angry and he would sit outside of my mother’s house revving the engine and when I told him that I would like to start stopping at the supermarket on the way home from my mom’s to pick up something to cook for dinner, he would become extremely angry.  It would be during these trips home from the supermarket that he would start calling me names and being really nasty.  He went through a stage of when he would come around the backseat to help me get the packages, he would get up in my face and repeatedly say pig pig pig pig talk eventually led to him spitting and making splitting noises in my face a few times.  He actually did spit on my face when I asked him why he told me I couldn’t take a joke.  When we would get in the house he would say things always get cooking woman and things like that.  In 2005 I left him, I wanted him to see what life is without me in hopes that he would mend his ways.  I moved around the corner to my parents’ house.  His parents lived on the same block so he would go over to his parents’ every day to see what I was doing, yet he would never talk to me.  He would sit on the step and give me a dirty look, so I assumed things were not going to change.  About a month after that, I received an invitation to go spend the weekend in Florida with two friends of mine, they paid for my ticket.  I went on the trip because I needed some time away and it was only for a weekend. During that weekend, one of the two friends was a guy and I ended up hooking up with him (I had filed for divorce when I left him so I did not consider this cheating). I went to Florida one more time for another weekend and the same thing happened but this time I really started to feel sad and I really started to think there has got to be someway I can work my marriage out so, I had my sister talk to him and he agreed that he would be willing to work things out and that he would change his ways.  We got back together, at first he was very nice and very apologetic for the way he had acted in the years prior.  About two months after that I discovered I was pregnant with our third child.  Now remember I was not supposed to have anymore children after my first because of my health. After my third child was born my health declined rapidly. He did help sometimes but when he did he made it as if I ‘owed’ him.  In the course of three years I was not only in great pain physically, he was being very hurtful.  I had fifteen major surgeries and he told me I was useless and worthless. He cut me off from my friends by keeping in touch with them making up all kinds of stories (which I didn’t find out until later).  My only friend was a girl I had met online years prior.  But he gave me a hard time about talking to her because she was Mexican and he is racist.  He used to call her my wetback friend (excuse the language as I am not racist).   He then began cheating. First girl was in her early 20s and him 38.  I later heard from her he told a bunch of lies about me to her and that he was moving way too fast.  That ended and he was sorry. I took him back. A year later I found there were three other girls online at the same time all listening to the same lies and stories. One caught on and stopped.  The other two continued. Out of those two, one girl came clean and began talking to me, telling me everything.  He was sending them both the same emails, songs, naked pictures, videos etc. until the one girl had enough.  So he was just left with one.  Here’s the funny thing as I said before he’s racist, especially towards Mexicans (I’m not so please don’t think I am). Well this new girlfriend is Mexican.  He carries on a long distance relationship for the past 4 years and has changed so much his own family is shocked.  She is a very materialistic girl and he gives in to the materialism and lets her groom him. He hates facial hair but she insists on it.  He dresses in clothes he does not like. And listens to music he does not like.  All the while he treats his family and the people who love him like garbage.  He is so full of himself, he does not care who he hurts and it looks like he’s found his match in her.  He has children that are hurt by this behaviour, but it rolls right off his shoulders.   How do you act around a man like this to knock him down a few pegs?

2 thoughts on “He does not care who he hurts

  1. He can’t change. It also seems that being around him has damaged you. The best way to knock him down a peg, would be to officially end your relationship, get some serious counseling, and move on with your kids. Leave him in the past. Because of your kids, you wilk have to deal with him for support, visitation (if he is to be granted any), so you will have to learn how to calmly interact with him without getting drawn in to his drama and vileness.
    Don’t try to knock him down in other ways, that will only leave you plugged in to him and prolong your suffering. He’s wired to play this game for keeps, so just walk away. Good luck to you in your new life.

    1. It’s sad but I know someone exactly like this. When u love someone who is this way it is difficult to separate yourself from them, but you are better off without the stress to your psyche. And as you know, soon after the mental, emotional abuse you are allowing yourself to endure, you will eventually succumb to the physical abuse. Either he will impose it on you or your own body will. Try to remind yourself what it felt like to be independent, when u had self confidence and believed in yourself before he took that away from you…and eventually you will feel that again without him. Try not to succumb to the loneliness he fills in your heart. And forgive but don’t forget for that will again make you vulnerable. Best of luck to you on your journey thru what I now refer to as the “jungle of ivy”.

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