I need to get a divorce because of emotional abuse. I don’t have much income as I don’t have a job. My husband threatens me with withholding money etc. Doesn’t do much with the kids. I don’t even know where to start except that I need a lawyer. What do I do if he doesn’t agree to the divorce? I have 2 small kids. I want to also move to a southern state. I am at a complete loss on what to do. I have no one to talk to about this.
I know from what I have read that the narcissist often ends up alone and that gives me comfort. What I would like to know is how do victims of the narcissist get over abuse and move on? I feel like I can never trust anyone again. I spend most of my time on my own or with a few good friends but as for a relationship with anyone, I don’t think I’ll ever go there again.
My father is and always has been controlling and manipulative. We have had our ups and downs over the years but I have kept him in my life because I don’t like to think that I’ve put up with all his bullshit for nothing. (He’s got money and he knows it thinking he can buy people). He’s getting old now and bad as it sounds I hope he’s not around for much longer. I know that I copied his behaviour on occasions and I’m not proud about that but if I hadn’t gone along with his ostracising people, I too would have been given this sort of treatment. I really liked one of his girlfriends who he discarded some years ago. Unfortunately this was one of the times that I went along with his ghosting. I’ve felt bad about it as she was always good to me. I met her recently and tried to apologise for my part in this sick scenario but I was blanked. She walked by me and acted like I wasn’t there. I know some of you will say I deserved it but I had to go along with my father at the time. How do I make her see that I’m sorry for the way he treated her and also for the part I played?
Hello.. I just came across your page and find it all very fascinating and informative! I have found myself in a predicament with my boyfriend’s parents both being insane. Narcissists and him having a lot of signs as it too! As he was raised in that terrible environment, so it’s learned behaviour… he seems willing to change as they just turned our whole world upside down by their antics and he has moved across country to try to make a life for us closer to my family and away from his, which I think is a good sign… any advice? As I think the emotional scars they have left him with over his 30 years on earth are going to be tough to overcome. Most articles I’ve read suggest leaving but I’m not willing to do that as we have a child together and would love for him to recover from the abuse and have a healthy happy family with me and my daughter. Thanks
It’s what you are, it’s who you are, you’re darkness is what brings the scar, it’s what you represent, I’m glad you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.
You have no love, you’re the black kind of dove, the opposite of good, and all this time I never quite knew exactly where I stood.
Your darkness spreads like a disease, the people you touch they feel unease, it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness and cruelty brings the scar.
I realize now there’s no need to hate, any part of you, because you’re that sad soul, you want us all to feel just like you.
But in my life you will not win, this scar now begins to heal, my bright star, love and light you always tried to steal.
I know this now, and see things clear, to think that at one point you were so dear, but it’s what you are, it’s who you are, your darkness is exactly what brings the scar, I’m glad now that you were sent, to show me just your irrelevance.
Brett Miller Lambadgee
When you first encounter a narcissist, you will likely be sucked into a toxic whirlwind. You will be seduced by their charm and believe that you’ve met your soulmate, someone who possesses the same beliefs, values and standards as you do. They’ve listened very carefully to you when you’ve talked about yourself, your hopes and your dreams and now you’ve found someone who wants exactly what you want in life. That old saying, ‘If it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t,’ will never be more apt than it is in this scenario.
In the beginning the narcissist will have high hopes for their new found love. Maybe this person will be the one who will fulfil their needs, someone who can put right all that is wrong and has gone wrong in their life, someone who will adore them the way that they deserve to be adored and someone who will be different from all their past ‘loves.’ (I use that term lightly.) The narcissist is looking for perfection and soon boredom will set in when they realize that their new darling is not perfect. You are not who you pretended to be at first and you’ve disappointed them. Of course you will be to blame for everything that has gone wrong within this fairy-tale romance. Self-reflection is not a skill that the narcissistic personality has learned or wishes to acquire. In their sick and distorted mind, they will never be at fault. Their frustration at your shortcomings (you’re a normal human being with needs and wants) will be enough for them to think that you deserve to be pulled down a peg or two. How dare you put your needs above theirs! They won’t accept anything less than being your number one priority. Your devaluation will commence.
This person who once made you feel special and feel loved more than any other will take every opportunity to demean and belittle you and you will have absolutely no idea what you’ve done to deserve it. You will likely try harder to please and if you manage to succeed this time, they may decide to keep you around for a little longer.
In this case, they will return to the person who they once pretended to be. You will likely be so glad to see that everything is rosy again and not question what just happened. This idealization / devaluing phase may continue for quite some time, possibly months or years. With each episode of devaluation, whether it be verbal put downs or passive aggressive behaviour, your feelings of self-worth are liable to take a nose dive. You are never sure how this so easily offended person is going to react so you find yourself walking on eggshells so that you never upset them again. How do you avoid offending someone who appears to be on the lookout for something to be offended by? The short answer is, you can’t.
The narcissist will put into practice the devaluation phase. They will likely have done this before in every relationship in their shady past. This process can take many forms such as gaslighting, shaming, belittling, smear campaigns, ghosting, abuse both verbal and physical, to name but a few.
If you find yourself in a relationship such as this, do yourself a favour and get away as soon as you possibly can for your own sanity and well-being.
The devaluation phase will often be followed by a callous discard with no regard for your feelings. It doesn’t matter whether this relationship has lasted a year or twenty years. They owe you nothing. The narcissist will often abandon you and walk away without warning and without explanation. You’ll be left crushed and traumatised by what’s just happened and you’ve no idea why.
This relationship was doomed from the outset. You can never have a normal relationship with a disordered person and believe me when I say that the narcissist is not a normal person by any stretch of the imagination. They are dysfunctional human beings who will live with their dysfunction for a lifetime. The more you read about narcissistic personality disorder, the more you’ll see that you did nothing wrong. Their emotional maturity has never developed in the normal way. They will remain emotionally stunted until their dying day unable to form healthy attachments with anyone who has the misfortune to enter their lives. They are doomed to live their lives surrounded by drama and chaos, their home ground. These delusional individuals will never find happiness and contentment in their lives in the way that you can. These people are eaten up with jealousy and self-hatred. They will never be satisfied with what they have, always wanting more and always reaching for the unreachable.
This is not a loss, it’s gaining your freedom
When you come to terms with what has been done to you, which may take some considerable time, you will come to realize that losing the narcissist is not a loss. Far from it, it’s a gain. It’s gaining your freedom and releasing yourself from a toxic fate. You deserve so much more than what this person can ever give you. Close this chapter of your life and start writing the next chapter with people who value you, people who want to see you happy and people who would never obtain any satisfaction from seeing you in pain, knowing they are the cause of your anguish.
Written by Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
👄 We know that a narcissist will go to any lengths to win in court. When it comes to a custody battle with a narcissistic partner, they will go to extreme lengths to prove the mental instability of their ex partner. Fighting to win a custody battle may not be because they love their children but to hurt their partner one more time. In such cases lies are common place but it has been brought to my attention that the unlawful administration of drugs may be a practice used by these disordered individuals. Is this something any of you have come across? I received the following message from someone on the page.
‘My narcissistic former partner has been paying people to spike me with substances that cause insomnia which leads to me have to admit myself in a psych ward to get some sleep which consequentially means the Family Court won’t allow me to see my kids. I gave met many other women in psych wards that are victims of spiking abuse also but no one will believe us & they assume we are imagining it & are crazy which is our abusers intent. I’ve been trying to find out about this phenomena online & found nothing so I’m curious to know how widespread this form of abuse is & if there is any literature available on this form of abuse.’
Hello, I’ve been a victim of my narcissistic mother in law,she has isolated me from the rest of the family members.Now she has started turning my husband against me. I’v tried to avoid her behaviour,but she keeps calling my husband and telling him stuff that was never intentioned and never spoken of. I’ve also had to take antidepressants because of her behaviour towards me. Is isolation a form of domestic violence. Is there anyone I could talk to? How do I deal with such a person?
As a narcissist ages, people eventually see through the false charm and see the person for who they really are. Slowly but surely, the narcissist’s social circle dwindles away, one by one people disappear, no longer finding their behaviour acceptable. Most people who have crossed their path in one way or another have borne witness to their deceit and toxicity. Towards the end of their lives there is often not one single living soul who cares whether they live or die. By the time the final curtain falls, they receive what I call poetic justice, getting back what they gave out to others all their lives. As they take their last breath, there’s not a hand to hold, everyone who once cared is long gone. Call it Karma, call it God having the final say, call it what you will… I call it pay back.
Ageing is a process that none of us look forward to, but it IS better than the alternative. Most of us try to age with grace and dignity, having gained wisdom through the years. A narcissist’s behaviour tends to get worse with the passage of time. As time takes its toll on their looks and their health they know that admiration is a thing of the past. Time has taken its toll on their withered frame. They can no longer rely on their outward appearance to attract new supply. They glare at the image staring back at them from the mirror failing to accept the aging face before them. Their mind is not as sharp as it once was. What have they left to look forward to? Retirement? Obscurity? Insignificance? We are always told to look on the inside, look at how someone treats others, look at their heart and look at their soul. It’s the inside that counts. What’s on the inside of a narcissist? Absolutely nothing but an empty shell. As the years roll by the narcissist faces a complete loss of supply and lashes out at anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot.
WHEN THE NARCISSIST IS LEFT ALONE
I have a strong belief that people who treat others poorly and have no empathy or compassion for others will be shown no compassion in later life. They have spent their entire lives abusing, betraying and demeaning others, aware of what they do, and without a second thought for the pain that they inflict time and time again. Friends and ex-partners have become enemies. If their children haven’t already become strangers, the narcissist may try to buy their children’s love in a feeble attempt to keep them close, believing that they may be the only people left on this earth who will put up with their pernicious behaviour. These meagre efforts to be seen as a good parent may be welcomed by a child who has spent a lifetime seeking mum or dad’s approval. For others, it will be too little too late.
‘An ironic twist of fate…
Their enemy will be their memories.
They can never undo what they’ve done.
They can’t escape their thoughts
When they find themselves alone,
Unloved and abandoned.
When their evil has been uncovered,
The truth will pursue them,
Wherever they go.’
The narcissist is an immature, angry, volatile and controlling individual. They spend their lives attempting to form relationships. Sadly, it’s not a partnership they are seeking but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control. Eventually people get sick and tired of their behaviour and abandon them. A string of failed relationships adds to their already fragile ego. By bringing about their own abandonment as a result of their abusive and despicable behaviour, they inflict upon themselves a deep narcissistic injury. Somehow, the narcissist will delude themselves into believing that their own self destruction is someone else’s fault.
Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can’t cope when supplies become scarce and runs out. They become chronically depressed and angry and find no pleasure in anything. Their noxious behaviour becomes more demanding and worse by the day. Things that they used to enjoy no longer hold their interest. Their world has become hostile, their social life non-existent. No one wants to be in their company for any length of time. They often become a hermit, closed off from the outside world, blaming everyone else for the situation that they find themselves in. The longer the lack of supply continues, the worse their insecurities and paranoia become.
The narcissist clings desperately to nothing, resenting the passage of time yet helpless to prevent it. They may create fake profiles on social media to stalk people, people that they may never meet or talk to. Surfing the Internet may give them the opportunity to get a little attention from someone, from anyone. They’ve lost faith in themselves. They don’t like themselves and nobody else likes them either, so they think, ‘There’s no point in being nice.’
Narcissists have an enormous fear of their own mortality. As death approaches, they know that complete oblivion is on the horizon. Life gives back to them exactly what they deserve, loneliness and isolation. They find themselves being shunned and ignored. The one thing that they never could control is time. As they move forward to eternity they have the knowledge that there is a final judge, and this time, it’s not them.
THE NARCISSIST AND ILLNESS
People will say that when they have become ill, the narcissist didn’t want to know. They were not interested and basically didn’t care. They saw it as your problem, so get on with it. So what happens when a narcissist gets sick? They will milk it for as long as they can. They will take all the sympathy and concern that they can muster, and then some.
They will see their illness as a reason to demand your attention 24/7. Cast any plans you may have aside. Your focus must be on them until they are better. After you have nursed them back to health, taken them to the doctor, collected their medications and tended to their every need, don’t expect them to show you how grateful they are for your tender loving care. They aren’t. It was your duty after all. You could have done more.
There are times when a narcissist will fake illness, fake a heart attack, fake cancer, in fact fake anything, just to focus attention on themselves. They may do so when you are ill, go one better than you with an illness much worse than yours in order that they get the attention that should be focused on you.
THE NARCISSIST ON THEIR DEATH BED
I am often asked if a narcissist will change when they are on their deathbed. Will they want to put things right and apologize to all those they have hurt in their lifetime? Some people want closure and expect a change of heart from the narcissist as they take their last breath. A deathbed apology is extremely unlikely. They are likely to die the same way that they have lived, hurting others. Many will use this time to twist the knife in just one more time.
Don’t beat yourself up if you decide not to pay them one last visit. It is a matter of looking after yourself, a matter of self-protection. There is no point in opening old wounds to satisfy the demands of someone who inflicted those wounds in the first place. If they wanted your company, they should have shown remorse before this late stage, and they should have acted better.
Pity them for being the person they are if you must, but please be careful to never give them the chance to hurt you again.
Written by Anne McCrea
(From Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon)
I absolutely love your page and thank you for making it! I am on dialysis three times a week and I have a feeling that I am being harassed and being gaslighted by the nurse practitioner at my Nephrologist’s office. I am in the process of finding another Nephrologist but I really don’t want to because I love my kidney doctor. I just don’t want to put up with the harassment and gaslighting from the nurse practitioner. Am I doing the right thing?