My narcissistic brother who clearly got his traits from my mother has ramped up his controlling nasty behaviour towards me. We unfortunately bought a house 12 year ago as an investment and over the years I’ve lived there, he’s lived there or it’s been let out. Last 6 years he’s been in the property paying for it etc, until about 3 years ago he defaulted every month as he was spending money on drugs , obviously I kicked off as I have a mortgage with my partner and I’d receive horrible texts off him along the lines off “I am disgusted with your lack of pity towards me” we both have endured so much as siblings!! So any way that’s not all, I had my little boy and he never came and seen me for 6 weeks, ‘obviously jealous’ he’s always seemed to have this jealousy towards my partner for taking his sister away , bear in mind I’ve always looked after him until I met my partner and realised he was vile towards me!! He even told his army boss once when he went out drinking and didn’t turn up for parade that he was in hospital as his sister had been diagnosed with cancer!!! So the house, he’s lived in it till last year I asked him to sell it, he let it out to someone without telling me and he failed affordability check to take it on himself, and now he said if his tenant moves out ( he’s told me he will ) he wont be paying anything towards it , he said he’s going bankrupt and he’s helping me !!! He also as normal keeps being so aggressive and nasty even if I’m civil towards him and constantly says I’m a nasty piece of work just like your mother ( she’s also a narc) who I have no contact with , I really dont know how to get away from him , even if he goes bankrupt he’s still on mortgage and the controlling abuse never stops he’s using this house against me.
Hi there, I only came across your group tonight, which in fact I should have years ago.
Six years ago I started a secret relationship with a married man(which I am not proud of) that was everything I’d ever wanted. Handsome, charming, soft spoken, kind. But things quickly turned sour and I found this MR Right turning into a manipulative and evil individual. He put me down in every possible way, criticizing my appearance, lifestyle, education, family, character…
Not to mention that I found out very soon in the relationship that he had several sexual relationships with women that were not quite appropriate for his exquisite taste.
There was so much pain, low self esteem, self hatred on my part that I sometimes wonder how is it possible that a reasonably bright, fairly attractive woman with a bubbly personality turned into this pile of mess?
He made me believe I was crazy, paranoid, jealous and stupid.
Since I always sensed his dishonesty I found proof of his constant lies and deceit 2 weeks ago.
When I very gently exposed that what he’d told me wasn’t exactly accurate, he slammed the phone down and cut all contact.
I tried to phone back but I don’t exist anymore.I even blamed myself for exposing his lies.
After two weeks of insomnia, anti depressants, alcohol and extreme emotional and physical pain I feel completely numb at times, then totally hysterical at others.
I would be most grateful for some advice.
I need help to break free and stay free. I kicked him out again but I’m missing him.
I was married to a Narc for almost 20 years and dated another for nearly 3 years only to find out he was lying and cheating, possibly the entire relationship but I know for sure recently because I found the evidence on his phone. How can I ever trust a man again? The bf knew my story and how my ex husband treated me yet he did so much worse. Now I’m terrified to trust myself not to end up with a third one just like them. Am I better off just staying single?
The religious narcissist will see God as perfect, infallible, the all-powerful figure, not unlike how they see themselves.
Beware of the spiritual narcissist who wraps themselves up in the mantle of Godliness. They may go to their place of worship every week and fool the congregation into believing that are a good person with high morals. They can quote scripture and act righteous. They may even be the minister, the pastor or the priest. Being the head of the church, they would have many followers, obedient people who hang on their every word and people who look up to them for guidance. What a wonderful source of narcissistic supply! (Of course, I am not saying that all people who are preachers or who go to church are narcissistic, but there are some!) Not everyone who claims to be a follower of The Church, Synagogue or Mosque is a good person.
‘Proverbs 4 v 16
For they cannot sleep unless they have done wrong; they are robbed of sleep unless they have made someone stumble.’
The religious narcissist is the greatest of hypocrites, judging others and preaching about fire and brimstone for the wicked and for the unfaithful. Everyone appears to be bound for hell, except them. They use religion for their own ends, to build themselves up whilst tearing others down. If they are your parent you will undoubtedly hear, ‘Honour thy father and thy mother’. Now that’s a difficult commandment for anyone to abide by if they have a narcissistic parent.
Narcissists use religion to control and manipulate by inducing fear. Children of narcissistic parents are forbidden to hold their own views on religion. There is no room for differences of opinion. These children often grow up scared witless, fearing death believing they are destined for an eternity in hell.
The spiritual narcissist may:
- Not practice what they preach. (Their behaviour is not likely to match their words.)
- Want to be at the heart of church activities such as prayer meetings and services.
- Display extreme devoutness.
- Put others down by pointing out their shortcomings all in the name of God.
- Think they know the Bible. (Quoting verses from the Bible which back up their views, feigning an excellent knowledge. They will recite verses which point out how right they are and of course, how mistaken you are.)
- Tell you that the Bible teaches you to forgive and forget.
- Make you feel that your opinions aren’t worth considering. They are right. You are wrong. There’s no happy medium.
Many people stay in toxic relationships because they believe that their religion demands that they should forgive. They have been conditioned to believe that they should turn the other cheek.
Perhaps this verse from the Bible will let people see this logic from another angle.
‘2 Timothy Ch. 3 v 1-7
But understand this that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of Godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.’
Written by Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
Looking for advice….have a friend who is very charming and likeable by everyone but I’ve started noticing some things about him that concerns me…..blames all his failed relationships on the other person, constantly makes fun of others for the same things he does, when confronted with a problem he tries to make it look like it’s my fault and when you do get an apology its “I don’t think I did anything wrong, but sorry.” Makes comments that previous women still want him, at times comes off very arrogant like he can do whatever he wants. Should I run before it’s too late?
This isn’t love – silly girl. Tears and fear. That’s what you call love? Yeah, so he bought you a dozen roses after that last fight. He got you a new pair of shoes that he chose for you. Not your style, not at all. But you wore them anyway. Remember when he made you go change your hair because you looked like a skunk and there was no way he’d be seen with you in public looking like that. The day his ex’s picture hung from your fridge and you begged for it to be removed. He told you she was more beautiful than you. Love? This is love to you? That laugh… remember that laugh when you asked if the girl on tv was prettier than you? The comments after that made you realize never to ask such a thing again. Pushed to floor at seven months. He didn’t mean too push so hard. If you weren’t top heavy you wouldn’t never have fallen. The excuses… oh why did you believe them all? The pink pants and new sweater from your mother-in-law… you loved that outfit. Remember how it got torn? The day he kicked you out and you weren’t leaving fast enough. The push down a stair then he grabbed that sweater so you wouldn’t fall more. He saved you. Right? That is love. Wait… who pushes those they love? Who pushes them down the stairs? The bruise to your arm… not a big deal. The cut on your face when he got carried away. Oh who cares… but what about the bruises on your babies head? Who protected him? Oh that’s right… it was justified. The excuses. You believed them all. It really wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t what it looked like. Still think this is okay? This is love…? He says it is, so it must be. Every excuse and reason no matter how crazy or silly they seem… You believe him… it all happened his way. Marriage was the cure. That would fix it all. Right? Oh goodness girl. What were you thinking? Night one… big fight and he tore up that marriage licence. Oh wait remember the fight before the wedding? How he made you plead and beg… Not sure now what exactly was said that day… but no one should ever feel like that. Name calling. Swearing. Yelling. That is what you call love? Movie nights…romantic and sweet, right? Not even close. Those were always something you feared. Falling alseep wasn’t allowed because if you did so you would get pushed to the floor. Waking up as your falling. Oh those were the days. People have it so much worse. This is true. He really is a great guy and can be so sweet. Maybe so. Together though… you both deserve so much more. Separation. Dating. Been there. Together again. Everything is better, right? Name calling doesn’t happen nearly as often. Curfews will always be there. Phone calls. Oh so many to see where you are. Don’t be late or it will still be a fight. He’d never lay a hand on you that’s a fact. But the silent treatments that last for days. The yelling. Oh it still hurts. He loves you. This is so. Wait? Love… is this love? Remember when you wanted a baby? He agreed to try but only if you repaid him every single time you’d try. He needed something in return for…whatever he wanted. Oh girl. Explain yourself again. You are not just a joke. You are stronger… oh so much stronger than you think….
How many of you, after surviving a relationship with a narcissist, have experienced a loss of (spiritual) faith? My lifelong faith in God is something I never thought I would lose hold of, and after an 11 year marriage to a narcissist, and a successful escape, it is gone. I wonder if this is common?
Maybe you’re the sort of person who always tries to see the good in others. You have a heart that forgives people time and time again hoping that they will see the error of their ways. You find it hard to comprehend the fact that some people are inherently bad to the bone.
People are drawn to you because you’re kind, warm and caring, you’re like an open book, you’re the one people turn to for love and support and you give it because that’s your nature, that’s who you are.
Sadly, there are those who will take advantage of that big heart of yours. You’ll give them more chances than they deserve to get it right, but they won’t. They’ll take all you have to give, drain you until there’s nothing left and then they’ll leave or maybe you will get to the point where you’ve had enough and you’ll close the door and walk away. Either way, that big heart will be shattered into a million pieces, you’ll wonder what you did wrong and you’ll wonder if your love wasn’t enough.
Some people will never appreciate the love you give. Some people don’t understand the meaning of the word. They have never matured emotionally and will never be able to reciprocate the love and kindness that you so readily give. That is their problem, not yours. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the outcome. They will live their lives repeating this pattern of behaviour over and over again, never being able to form a deep and meaningful relationship with anyone they meet.
Each and every one of us deserve to be respected and valued. We need to understand that some people are not good for us no matter how much we love them. We need to learn to love ourselves enough to let people go. We need to learn to close doors that no longer lead us to where we want to be. Your heart will heal but it will never heal in the environment in which it was broken. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to your heart.
Written By Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
I have been with my husband for 20 years now. He IS verbally and emotionally abusive. I am not looking for advice on getting out right now. My question is…he claims that I am also emotionally abusive to him but I do not agree. I try to compromise with him on things when I don’t agree with him on something. Of course when he doesn’t agree he becomes abusive. I can have an argument without making personal attacks. He cannot. I DO control our money. If I do not he will blow it on unnecessary things. Sometimes things that are consumed by him alone and have no benefit to the family and there is nothing to show for it later. Sometimes it’s things that he may keep but again it’s not something he needs. I have no problem with him fulfilling wants but as an adult we all know that we cannot have everything we want at all times. Is it abusive that I have started to control our money? I mean one example is he got into our tax money and spent 200 on games on his phone. I think that’s ridiculous. Then he now wants to buy a 1200 computer. So frustrating.