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Why do they pop up after more than a year?

Why do they pop up after more than a year?

What makes a narcissist pop up after more than a year of absolutely NO contact and start trying to stir trouble again? my fiancée’s ex has started up again. On me this time. Best as we can tell, her goal is to 1) make people think I’m stalking her and 2) she seems pretty intent in convincing people that I’m crazy and imagine things she does.

We know she’s still been creeping all this time. One of her daughter’s got a message to me to block certain Facebook pages when we posted our engagement. Evidently the ex wife lost her mind over that. But even then, she didn’t try to start trouble directly with us. But all of a sudden, last week, she’s literally stalking our house and posting about it on Facebook. She’s used my reaction to seeing her in my neighbourhood (When she lives over an hour away) as an opening to start stirring shit again and I’m still wondering why the heck she crawled out of her hole again.

 

Narcissism / Mobbing in the Workplace

Narcissism / Mobbing in the Workplace

Narcissists don’t think that normal rules of decency and morality apply to them. They have no qualms in intimidating and harassing their employees or co-workers and making their lives miserable.  Taking credit for another’s work, blaming others for their own mistakes, outbursts of rage, jealousy when other workers are better or smarter than they are themselves, are all commonplace.

Narcissists pretend well.  They often appear to be charming and considerate but it’s the covert put downs and subtle digs that often go unnoticed by many.

If a narcissist is in a job that they cannot do very well, they will resent their co-workers who can do the job so much better and these feelings of ‘someone being able to do the job better,’ will give the narcissist a valid reason to target them.

The person being bullied may feel intimidated, offended and unjustifiably criticized. The workplace bully abuses their co-workers motivated by their own insecurities and selfishness. Their desire to succeed is foremost in their minds. In order to achieve their goal they will trample on anyone who they see as competition. Bullying in the workplace can take many different forms such as:

  • Discrediting someone’s reputation with lies and gossip.
  • Sabotaging a colleague’s work.
  • Isolation / ostracism.
  • Refusing to answer their telephone calls or emails.
  • Being regularly undermined.
  • Failure to provide the necessary information, equipment, tools for the task in hand.
  • Withholding important information such as deadlines, meetings and social gatherings.
  • Threats of job loss.
  • Being rude and talking down to colleagues.
  • Stealing and then accusing others of the theft.
  • Having your right to training or promotion denied.
  • Verbal abuse.
  • Unfair treatment.
  • Reacts to criticism with denial and blame shifting.
  • Moves on to a new target once their present target has left.

Mobbing is an insidious form of psychological abuse committed by a group of people and has devastating consequences. Studies have proven that people in a group will behave in a manner that they would never do alone. Normal common decency is cast aside and someone who was once a valued member of a group, is shunned and ostracised. The person is excluded from work meetings, social events and their very presence is not recognised. They are often falsely accused of wrongdoings and find themselves the subject of gossip and slander. People find themselves being attacked by their co-workers, superiors and subordinates. Over a period of time, possibly weeks or months, this form of abuse will chip away at someone’s dignity and their self-respect. We have to remember that human nature dictates that we have an inherent need to belong. Although the scars left by this particular form of abuse are not visible, they are long lasting and more painful than physical wounds. Long term ostracism often results in alienation, low self-esteem, depression and physical illness. Shunning is an act of aggression which can have deadly consequences on the target. There will be those in the workplace setting who may not take an active role in bullying a target but they cannot shirk responsibility for their inaction. Their failure to take a stand, their lack of integrity and their inaction has enabled the abuse to continue. The longer their behaviour continues, the harder it is to bring it to an end. Suggestions for those who are being bullied or harassed:

If the problems cannot be sorted out informally talk to…

  1. Management
  2. Human Resources (HR) department
  3. Trade union representative

If harassment continues most countries provide legal action through employment tribunals. It is not advisable to turn to your abusers for their approval. Choose to be in the company of people with morals and integrity, people who have whatever it takes to stand up against the crowd, to stand up for honesty and human decency. Abuse is often directed at one specific target and may go unnoticed by management and colleagues. In some cases, management may be at the helm of the abuse in an effort to force the target to resign.

When things go wrong, don’t expect the narcissist to accept the blame.  It’s not going to happen.  It’s got to be someone else’s fault.  You may think because you are efficient at your job and have great results, that the narcissistic boss will be thankful.  They won’t.  It’s a reflection on them, you work for them and they trained you to do the job.  Your outstanding contribution will all be down to them so don’t waste your time trying to convince them otherwise.

Don’t be fooled into becoming ‘friends’ with the narcissistic boss or co-worker. Their view on friendship is totally different from a normal person’s understanding of what friendship really is.  If they are being friendly, it is because they want something from you.  If you are of no use to them, they don’t want your friendship.  Don’t go down that route.

The narcissist boss will obtain narcissistic supply by denying their workers their entitlements. Don’t expect them to abide by rules or regulations. Normal rules and regulations don’t apply to them. A good boss will have respect for their workers and should quickly notice if there is someone been bullied in the workplace.

Possible signs of bullying may include:

  • A drop in the standard of an employee’s work for no obvious reason.
  • Long term sick leave due to stress.
  • Employee seeking early retirement.
  • Succession of people leaving employment unexpectedly.

Some employers will not acknowledge that there is a problem in the workforce and fail to address it as they should, and may even try to conceal it. They should note that a happy workforce is a productive one and that failing to address bullying may have a profound effect on the business as a whole.

There’s a big difference between a firm hand and an iron fist. Employees can be motivated by being valued and encouraged rather than through fear. This is what separates the good boss from the bad.

Written by Anne McCrea

I’m dumbfounded

I’m dumbfounded

I’ve just been dumped by a woman that I’ve loved for the past five years. I was at a loss as to the reasons why when my mate mentioned narcissism. I’m dumbfounded. She’s given me silent treatments before and I always thought I’d done something to upset her. I always ended up apologising to get her to come back to me again. Now I know it’s not my fault. It’s her but I’m devastated. Why would she do this to me when I loved her so much and she knew it.  Are these people that evil? It’s only been two weeks and she’s refused to answer my calls and texts. Why? I’m so confused. Please help.

 

Feels like I’m trapped

Feels like I’m trapped

I was with an abusive  misogynistic  monster for over 20 years since my early teens. I have three sons for him and finally left about five years ago. My sons are 21, 16 and 13 he does little to nothing positive in their lives yet they still adore him while at times seeing him for who he really is. Sad part is they have picked up so many of his ways along the way that at times dealing with them feels like PTSD or like I’m trapped in the horrible relationship I took too long to get out of. It’s to the point where I love them but can’t wait to raise them so I can separate from him and them for good. Any advice?

I’m really having a hard time with this

I’m really having a hard time with this

I’m so grateful to have come across this page and articles on narcissism for reasons that my life changed drastically in a matter of a few months. My old time flame from my youth turned up after 33 years only to find myself realizing that I had always been in love with a man that wasn’t what I thought he was. Quite frankly, it’s devastating. I’ve been trying to deal with this situation and been doing so alone because my feelings seem to be where at times slip from my grips. May 22, 2017 we had a nasty fallout – horrible incident where I ended up going to his home emotionally and psychologically exhausted to confront him in front of his partner that he never told me about in the beginning which he told me he was single and it wasn’t until after 2 mouths that he finally broke the ice and told me about the woman he had been living with; he said he’d be taking me to his house to meet his children later on because his daughter and son were having problems and it wasn’t a good time to meet them so, I patiently waited to be introduced. What I was introduced to was nothing but deceptive lies and manipulation etc. –  a bunch of drama. Finally in May I went to confront them both and i did it to see if he would man up and admit to us both what he had been doing to us both, playing with our feelings and manipulating us, well, he pinked out and instead, didn’t answer the door and called the police on me and had me escorted off the premises. We haven’t had contact since until the beginning of August and he started dropping emails. Because I’ve grown not to trust him and aware that he is capable of bringing me harm, I responded. He asked for my new phone number, I rejected the call for the call showed as private caller, he email again and sounded jealous because he saw me in company of a male friend and I made it clear to him that it was just a friend however, seems as though his agenda is something of a vindictive agenda. The whole time he’s been asking for forgiveness and finally, i gave him the opportunity to talk and he decided to play games by sending an early good morning message, an ok for answer , to nothing else. In the past, he had hijacked my emails which I deactivated because he was monitoring me through spyware I had no idea he was doing and I finally discovered this.

I’m really having a hard time with this. I don’t want to resort to a crisis stabilization treatment facility because I just left one. Professionals will recommend psychotropic medications and no real support system. DV recommendations are to resort to restraining orders and this can only stress me more and may complicate this situation. Dealing with these individuals is something I learn that is to be taken very serious.

Reasons I responded to him is because, he knows my whereabouts, I live alone and have no family or close friends where I live. I don’t have other options @ present and financially, I’m limited.

I don’t understand what is he trying to gain trying to get to me after all the damage he caused and walked away as if nothing happened and left me like dried up road kill???

I’d be so grateful if someone would please, get back to me on this and give share some insight.

Triangulation

Triangulation

Triangulation can be described as manipulation tactics in which one person will not communicate directly with another person.  Instead they will create triangles where they draw in a third person to relay information to the second.

In romantic relationships the narcissist will have you believing that they are the most desired person on the planet.  They delude themselves and tell you stories of their desirability.  They will surround themselves with their enablers, their ex-partners, and quite likely, your successor.  You feel flattered that you are the one who has gained their attention amongst all of their admirers.

One of the ways the narcissist manufactures situations in which they appear to be in such high demand, is to triangulate.  They will create triangles where they will turn people against one another, creating jealousy and rivalry.  Creating jealousy and rivalry does two things. Firstly, it brings about feelings of insecurity in the narcissist’s partner who will feel that they may be replaced. As a result they will try harder to please the narcissist to prevent this from happening. Secondly, the narcissist will gain narcissistic supply when in their deluded mind they feel both desired and in control of this twisted dynamic.

Triangulation can take place in any type of relationship.  In dysfunctional families children can be pitted against one another by a manipulative parent or a parent may try to get the support of one of their children against their partner.  In normal relationships drawing a third person into a disagreement can be helpful and beneficial.  However in a dysfunctional relationship, this tends not to be the case.  The third party often feels pressured into taking sides.  They may be manipulated into becoming part of a conflict that they have no desire to be a part of.

Pitting people against each other is known as, ‘Splitting’ in psychology.  If the narcissist is getting bored in the relationship or believes that their target has sussed them out, they will spread malicious gossip behind the back of the real victim, in an effort to tarnish their reputation.  This often takes place before the relationship comes to an end.  A narcissist will portray themselves as a victim and their target as unbalanced, even crazy and will blame them for the very things that they have done themselves.  Sadly, they are often believed by the listening ears who fail to listen to two sides of a story and pass judgement accordingly.

Written by Anne McCrea

Please please help me, I feel like I’ve no where to

Please please help me, I feel like I’ve no where to

Please please help me, I feel like I’ve no where to turn everything has gone wrong I’m scared I want to give up. I’m pregnant 9 weeks. My first midwife apt is today but I’ve got a big cut down my face. How am I meant to turn up like that? I feel like the minute anyone asks me if I’m ok I’m going to break down. I’m so scared I’ve no money. He has taken it. I can’t even bring myself out of bed now and stop crying. I just want it to end. How can I bring a life into this?