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MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOUR

MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOUR

‘Manipulative, abusive, controlling people and the weak people who are afraid of them, their enablers and flying monkeys who blindly follow them… will say and do almost anything to keep you quiet. You are going to get labelled as crazy, angry, jealous and hateful, to name but a few, when you stand up to them and call them out on their behaviour. Be strong. You can handle this. The truth is always revealed to those who have learned to see.’

Let’s look at what is meant by manipulative behaviour;

Psychological manipulation can be described as exercising unscrupulous control or influence and emotional exploitation over a person or situation with the intention of gaining power and control at the expense of their target. A world-renowned expert on manipulators, Dr George K. Simon has cited three necessities to successfully manipulate someone:

1. Concealing aggressive behaviour and intention.

2. Understanding the psychological shortcomings of a victim in order to determine which method will achieve the best results.

3. An uncommon degree of ruthlessness, having no reservations about inflicting harm upon their unsuspecting victim.

Who do they target? Anyone can be a target of an emotional manipulator.

• Empathetic, kind and easy-going people who try to avoid conflict. These kind and considerate people are likely to forgive the narcissist time and time again for their monstrous behaviour.

• The independent, accomplished person will be a great source of narcissistic supply once they have fallen under their spell.

The narcissist has mastered the art of deception. Although their intentions may initially appear to be honest and sincere, their ultimate goal is to deceive, exploit and manipulate. Whatever the relationship with the manipulator, be it parent, spouse, partner, sibling, child, friend or co-worker, this relationship is unbalanced from the beginning. Their aim is to, by any devious means necessary, gain control of your mind, resulting in you becoming an unwilling participant in their schemes. How can any such connection not be doomed from the outset?

Narcissists are known to be very observant at the start of any relationship. They listen intently as you reveal details of your past, your feelings and vulnerabilities, to use this information against you for their own gain.

Narcissists are adept at distorting the truth. Manipulators are often compulsive and pathological liars. They will twist events, things you’ve said or done, turn them around, and maybe add a few lies so that their version becomes a far cry from reality. Of course, their target is left feeling confused and full of self-doubt.

Manipulative people will often play the victim to circumstances they have created. They lack accountability for their words or actions and twist the situation round to blame you.

A common form of manipulation is that of turning people against each other, creating jealousy and disharmony. They talk behind backs spreading false information so that people become distrustful of one another. Splitting, as this is sometimes called, puts the narcissist in a position of power.

Passive aggressive behaviour is common. They go between being pleasant one minute to refusing communication the next (the silent treatment). Their target is left reeling, wondering what they have done wrong when in fact, the answer is, absolutely nothing at all.

Explosive rages and personal attacks and criticism are another favourite tactic. They are relentless in their pursuit of grinding you down until they get what they want. Your emotional health and well-being are of little importance.

Targets of such insidious manipulation unintentionally give up a part of themselves to keep the peace and please someone who is simply impossible to please. Unfortunately, once these twisted individuals succeed in taking advantage of your kind and forgiving nature, they are likely to repeat this behaviour over and over again until you put a stop to it once and for all.

We all have the right to be treated with respect and set boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Learn to be assertive. You have the right to your own opinions and values and the right to express these without being put down by someone whose moral values are sub-standard to say the least. Never be afraid to say, ‘No’, and don’t feel guilty for doing so.

Remember that someone who feels the need to manipulate others has failed to mature emotionally. Although they may appear to be strong and in control, there are often underlying insecurities and self-doubt. What you see is not what you get. Their dysfunctional behaviour is likely to tumble over from one relationship to the next. They absolve themselves from any responsibility in their continual failed relationships. Narcissists’ failure to hold themselves accountable for their behaviour is in complete contrast to them holding you accountable for yours.

• Do you feel you are constantly walking on egg shells around this person?

• Do you feel as good about yourself as you once did?

• Do you feel taken for granted?

• Do you feel that whatever you do, it’s never enough?

• Is it always you who is doing the giving and them the taking?

• Are you losing friends, acquaintances without knowing why?

• Are you subjected to their passive aggressive behaviour?

• Does this person try to tell you how you should think or feel?

• Do you feel that it is all about their needs whilst yours don’t matter?

• Do you feel pressured into doing things that you are not happy with?

If you have answered ‘Yes’ to some of these questions, it may be time to re-evaluate what part, if any, you want this person to play in your life.

‘Make today be the last day that you care about people who have shown you that they don’t.’

Written by Anne McCrea

Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon

Amazon UK

Amazon US

She raised me so I can’t leave

She raised me so I can’t leave

Hi guys. I am not sure if this is considered NDP/abuse and would like to hear from you.

This is my story:
I am a adult in my late 20s. I am married and I love my husband. However, the same cannot be said of my mother. She absolutely hates him and I have been so stressed I am getting depression.

My mother doesn’t make him feel comfortable so he stopped visiting her altogether. I have almost been disowned for marrying my husband and now that we are married, the tension has been worse.

My relationsip with my mother has always been tense since I was young and I am always the odd one out in the family. She raised me after my father passed. We do not connect and I have been terrified of her since I was a child. She has a severe temper and I will always be blamed for her temper because it’s my fault for making her angry. I don’t feel love for her as a mother like one should. I haven’t turned to her for comfort or advice since I was a child. I am blamed for my father’s death (he died of cancer), but when I confront her about this, she said she doesn’t remember and I am absolutely hateful for making this up.

She refused to accept my husband from the start citing reasons that he is rude, has had a bad upbringing and then ridiculed his family in front of him.

When I tried to stand up for us, she said he must have been a bad influence too because I am no longer meek and she can’t stand me. She wishes she was dead and wants to die because of the way I am treating her.

All in all, that’s an average day in my life. She raised me, so I can’t leave as I want to. She blames me for not sharing anything about my life with her, she is angry at me because I am not close to her like a daughter should be and I don’t confide in her.

No matter what I do, it will be my fault, or my husband’s fault. I am scared and full of anxiety all the time. I dont know what to do.

I’ve lost my self esteem and confidence

I’ve lost my self esteem and confidence

I am in the midst of a very ugly divorce with a narcissist, and everything I’ve read thus far describing a narcissist, describes my husband to a ‘T’. And I have fallen prey (after 30 years of marriage and 7 years of dating before that) as the one who has lost her self-esteem and self-confidence in large measure!

I’d love to hear any suggestions relative to going through this divorce.

How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

I’d like to know how people deal with a narcissistic mother, particularly where there is a grandchild/children involved. Many cases I’ve read are more about partners.

My situation is briefly this…
My mother is a narcissist. I find that she treats me like a child and makes me feel like a child. Ego wise, she isn’t perhaps as extreme as some cases I’ve read on here, but she very much likes to feel important, likes people to know she’s there. She’s overbearing and controlling, despises my husband and her actions have continually reflected that. I feel she has no personal boundaries. If I say something she did wasn’t appropriate (often after years of putting up and shutting up with so many things, because the fallout is so great), no matter how diplomatically it is conveyed, all Hell breaks loose and then the insults and criticism begin. Same scenario if I make a choice she doesn’t agree with. I wouldn’t know where to begin with all the examples, but she’s never once apologised. She’s never wrong. It’s my fault, or my husband’s, or anyone else’s. Never hers. Then when I try to explain why things upset me etc, she can ignore me for weeks or more or continue with the insults or like now, pretend nothing has happened and act like I’m the one with the issues because I can’t brush the latest antics under the carpet. On a personal note, I find the lack of empathy one of the hardest things to deal with. If someone said to me that something I’d said or done had upset them, my immediate reaction would be to apologise. I’d be mortified.

So.. I’m trying to enable our little one to have grandparents (3 of mine were incredible) but at the same time, wishing I could just walk away from her. It is the biggest mental conflict I’ve ever had. I have no energy for the games or dramas that she brings. I feel sick at the thought of seeing her and being around her. Is it even possible to maintain something for the sake of our little one, but where my involvement is just drop off and pick up (mentally I have no capacity for her anymore), but where there are no family get togethers for birthdays or Christmas etc. I have no idea how that would impact on our little one in the future. It saddens me. However, things have gone too far for that to ever happen. Seeking advice from anyone who has been in a similar scenario. How do people deal with all of this? While making sure that you stay sane and focus on the most important things… your own kids!

Is A Narcissist Ever Sorry?

Is A Narcissist Ever Sorry?

Is a narcissist ever sorry?  Yes and no…

If you are wondering if a narcissist is ever sorry for the hurt they cause or how they make you feel, then the answer has to be, ‘no’.  They simply don’t care how their behaviour makes others feel.  Remember, it’s all about them, their feelings and their needs.  These disordered individuals feel that they are above reproach.  If they behaved badly, then it’s somebody else’s fault.

“If you hadn’t pushed me too far, I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”

“You’re just too sensitive.”

Narcissists are delicate souls who fail to take responsibility for their conduct.  They can’t accept criticism or blame but instead shift blame onto others.  By shifting blame the narcissist will protect their ever so fragile ego from bruising.  They are terrified of looking too deep within themselves, to accept the shame of recognizing who they are.  Self-reflection is avoided at all costs.  To be sorry for their behaviour would be tantamount to admitting that they were wrong and that’s not going to happen.

So what, you may ask, will a narcissist be sorry for?

They will be sorry that they have been found out, that you figured them out for who they really are.  That wasn’t supposed to happen!

They will be sorry that they will lose control over you.  Narcissistic supply is vital for their wellbeing and if you were a good source, the subsequent loss can be devastating to someone with such precarious self-esteem issues.

Narcissists don’t do solitude so if you decide that you have had enough and leave them to their delusional hell, their world may disintegrate.  So yes, they will be sorry.

I am sure you get the picture now.  The narcissist may be sorry but those ‘sorrys’ are reserved solely for themselves.

Written by Anne McCrea

Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon

Amazon UK

Amazon US

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Until I change myself, the pattern will continue

Unlike many posters on this site I am a male victim of emotional abuse. I met my partner when I was 20 years old and she was already married. In a complete whirlwind courting period where she asked me to marry her and divorced her current husband. Four months after meeting her we were married. I spent 20 years in a marriage with extreme emotional abuse. I was always told how other men were better than me in every way. Not once in 20 years did she tell me she loved me, but rather she had married me because I was a ‘good person’. She had affairs that I always forgave. I was not allowed to talk to women or I was accused of plotting to sleep with them whether they were 12 years old or 60. I was cut off and isolated from my family, my children were told that they had a ‘single mom’ because I was so useless. My children were told that in front my face, not behind my back.

Eventually 15 years into the marriage my grandfather died and something inside me came alive and I resolved to break free. I had terrible guilt at the thought of leaving and it took 5 years of building up the courage. Towards the end I started to see a psychologist who told me that my ex showed all the symptoms of a psychopath and that for my mental health I should leave. It took someone else telling me to leave to get the courage to do so. My self worth was so low and fear so great that I had a severe panic attack and believed I was having a heart attack and ended up in hospital alone with nobody to call.

Over the past 5 years since the divorce I have slowly healed, but still have a long way to go. I have just ended a second toxic relationship that fortunately has only lasted 18 months. In this last relationship some of the patterns of my marriage were repeated, some unbelievable lines were crossed and yet I forgave. She got angry with my and had sex with my teenage son to punish me and I forgave. She lied constantly and stole and I forgave. The ability for someone to trigger such self doubt that I question my own sanity and what the facts are is incredible.

Something I really do want to share having followed this page for a long time is that ‘they’ don’t matter and neither does knowing the truth. Knowing the truth will change nothing and so I have no need to obsess over it. What matters is me and my mental health. It is hard not to question why someone can treat you like that, but it really doesn’t matter. Why I ignored red flags, allowed myself to abused is what matters because until I change myself the pattern will continue.

How do I divorce the man?

How do I divorce the man?

I own the house. We have been married for a few years and have a 5 year old. We also work together, which oddly enough is a safe zone for me. Hence the reason I started to work there.

How do I divorce the man?

Everyone says pack your stuff and leave. I can’t. It’s my house.

I am so scared!

I dont want him served at work because we both work together literally 20 ft from each other.

I am afraid that he will ruin the house that we have worked so hard on.

I cant have the kid there because of how the husband treats me and I do not want our son to see it. How do I plan this all out? I am so confused.

I’m scared to death

I’m scared to death

Has anyone left an emotionally abusive relationship with a drug addict? I am currently in the process of leaving with my children and I’m losing everything. I’m scared to death. I will be leaving my home to go start fresh in a friend’s basement with nothing. He has stolen from my kids and he has stolen from me. He and all his ‘friends’, our mutual ‘friends’ have lied and been deceitful behind my back. My heart just can’t take it anymore. If anyone has been through something similar, how was it for you? I could really use some words of encouragement right now. I have nobody.

How do you manage when you have a child together?

How do you manage when you have a child together?

I only recently discovered you and look forward to your posts every day. They have become my daily affirmations on how to finally break free from my narcissistic EX. I do struggle in one area however and that is this requirement to maintain contact with this man, simply because we have a child together. How do other people manage a relationship with a narcissistic EX because they have to, because a child is involved?

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