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A friend in a toxic relationship

A friend in a toxic relationship

I have a friend that is in a very toxic relationship. I have gotten her to compare the check lists to her partner and she is amazed they describe her to a “t”.  She is very busy and doesn’t have the patience to read all the  articles that explain how why and what to do. We made some major progress before Christmas and  She even had stood her  ground and asked her partner to move out and she did. Right before Christmas just days her partner asked to come grab some things, and that she did but she never left she moved herself right back in like nothing. There is a group if girls we are here for her but right now she doesn’t want to hear it from us. We’ve tried to say she had that planned and she has pulled away we are not allowed to visit and when she visits she us constantly looking for her to stop and cause a scene and she does. Can some one give me a short description how a narcissist know how to  move back in. They don’t want anyone else around. And don’t know how to  love this is a game and she is letting her win she says she doesn’t want us over because she just doesn’t want to hear her scream and doesn’t want to argue. She doesn’t think her partner is that calculating. Anything Short and sweet no big fancy words. Just simple.  Something that will help her recognize her partner is dangerous. Thank you all for  y’alls help.

My mother may take us to court

My mother may take us to court

I’m hoping you have some resources or contacts that may help me with handling my mother who is making strides towards taking us to court to see my children. I’ve read that a forensic psychologist that specialises in narcissistic abuse can be helpful, is there anything else you can think of that I should know? Thanks in advance

He always compared me to other women

He always compared me to other women

I am trying to reach out to someone about a relationship I have just come out of:

I was in a relationship for two years, and during the relationship my ex boyfriend would compare me to woman that were a lot larger than me, comment on my weight, say I look like a butch lesbian with short hair, comment on my clothes  and would always comment about other woman liking him. This would hurt me and I would address it and would reply it’s just banter babes or I’m joking.

Anyway I went on holiday over Christmas and he was a little hidden with his phone, and I was really ill with Flu but I went. We were laying in bed and he told me that he had an amazing dream about the chalet host down stairs, I saw red and said he was boring, he reminded me of my ex, I hated him, he was a horrible person – I didn’t mean these things and all said out of hurt, anger and I was really not myself. I was ill with Flu and I was worried about losing my job in the new year. He couldn’t believe how I reacted and he is so angry with me how I acted after he just was winding me up. He dumped me and blocked me and is now ignoring me. I have tried to apologise a number of times, and I haven’t called everyday or begged him back but asked for my things back, I respected his decision I was horrible to him. He told me he has never been treated like that and it will never happen again and tough getting my things back I pushed it and he has now changed his locks and then blocked me. He dumped me over text and I feel absolutely awful and I’m punishing myself daily how could I be so horrible. It’s really not me and don’t know what to do.

I lost a baby 18 months ago and he told me I’m too old to have children and if he was to have another baby I wouldn’t be the mother to his first baby. I’m devastated by his words and appreciate I deserve them because of my horrible words and actions.

Friends say he is a narcissist but I don’t believe it, and don’t think he is.

Your thoughts and advice would be great in this situation.

Thank you

He destroyed my life and my family with his abuse

He destroyed my life and my family with his abuse

I am married to a narcissist, pending a divorce after 3 years separation but I don’t think it’s going to happen as much as I want it too.  He digging his heels in after 11 years of him cheating and mental abuse. He still thinks he’s nothing wrong he had four affairs he actually thinks because I kicked him out he got the right to do as he pleases maybe so he doesn’t class adultery because we aren’t together but there’s no point arguing with him because he’s right according to him but I have a marriage certificate saying different but who am I to argue with him? he destroyed my life and my family with his abuse.

My son saved my life today

My son saved my life today

I found this that I wrote back in 2016 when I was still trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. I’m over 2 months free now, but I still have a long journey ahead. I thought others may be able to relate to this.  My kids have me strength in so many of those dark days.

“My son saved my life today.

Today I thought I couldn’t take any more.
Today I thought about the end.

Today I was in pain.  Not just emotional pain, but physical pain that cut me to the core. My muscles and bones hurt. The emotional hurt causes physical hurt that no pill can cure.  The combination is unbearable.

Today I wished for a friend.  I’ve never really had one, and I was really needing one today. What is it like having someone to talk to when you’re down? What is it like having someone call you to hang out?  What is it like having a friend that cares?  So many people are mean. So many people are cold-hearted. Why can’t we just be kind?

Today I cried.  I went and took a bath to get away. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain. I don’t like my kids to see it and I don’t like my husband to see it. I keep smiling, pretending it’s all okay-treating others the way I wish I could be treated, the way I wish everyone would treat each other. I cried big shoulder sobbing tears, and the hurt remained.

Today I thought about the end. I knew there was only one way to stop the pain. I thought about how I could do it. Where I could do it. I thought about what it would be like to finally be free.  I wanted to scream.

Today I prayed. I prayed that God would make things better. I prayed that God would take away the pain and the anxiety. I thought about how wonderful it would be to be in his presence, free of the pain that weighs me down daily.

Today I did the dishes. I listened to “Why” by Rascall Flatts over and over.  I realized that few would come to my funeral. There would be no church filled to the brim with people who I mattered to.  As the tears started to fill my eyes again, a little hand grasped my arm and said “I love you, mom.”

My son saved my life today.  My children are my reason for pushing forward. My children are the ones that make all the pain and trials of this life bearable. My children pulled me through yet another day that I did not think I could finish.”

What if that day never comes?

What if that day never comes?

Do parents and siblings have a responsibility to tell a family member that his/her mate has NPD and is abusive? What can family members do? Is it right to not do anything even though you know your family member is unaware they’re being abused?
Our son doesn’t realize that he’s married to a covert narcissist who controls his life and manipulates him, her family, and the friends she allows into her inner circle. Because of this he’s now estranged from all but one brother on his side of family. She and he use that brother in triangle communication (with our family members they give the silent treatment to) and in gaslighting of those family members.
Before we realized she’s narcissistic, and possibly borderline personality disordered too, we attempted to speak with them in person about how they increasingly slight us. Her response was severe silent treatment followed by a frightful rage like no other.
After which we reflected upon how a few years back her own family had told us “she’s not nice, she’s mean, we’re all afraid of her, he’s the first person who can manage her”. But we’ve noticed over the years since her family’s confession our son is less able to control her and we’ve seen drastic changes in our son, changes we attribute to his living under chronic stress.
We are no longer comfortable to be alone with her or him because we won’t submit ourselves to her abusive behaviours, we feel unsafe to be with her, and we won’t give her more opportunities to lie and gaslight us.
Before they’d started dating we’d watched her become what he wanted, physically changed her body and pursued his hobbies. It’s the love bombing and “I found my soulmate” narcissists do to catch their mate. And with each milestone, like getting engaged, married (she picked his best man, bridezilla extreme), having children…she’s gotten less accommodating and more controlling and demanding. Our son doesn’t see how she’s groomed him since they met and totally controls him nor how he’s been given the impossible role of making her happy.
That one time her family said she’s mean, but they don’t ever speak of what’s wrong, they go along with and enable her behaviour. And they’re rewarded with being allowed in their lives. They happily take being the favourites while our family is shut out and our son becomes unrecognizable.
He thinks her family is wonderful, but her parents told us they “love him because he gives us a better daughter when he manages her”. Whereas, we love him not because of what he gives us, but because of who he’s always been since we learned of his conception, and we still love him even with the years of him being such a cruel jerk to us. Her family’s love is conditional, ours is not.
We have such anger that her family, especially her parents, enable her NPD behaviours while putting so much pressure upon our son to be their hero, their lion tamer who is expected to without question nor hesitation feed his family to their lion! We are shocked by their selfishness and cluelessness as to how they and their daughter negatively impact so many others. Their lack of empathy and lack of self reflection abilities runs in their family.
Meanwhile our nice and highly intelligent son is no longer recognizable. He used to be a very even tempered happy optimistic thoughtful person with a circle of genuine friends. He was such a sweet nice guy adored by his family and friends. And he used to enjoy being with our family and was close with his siblings. But now he’s stressed, so snarky, and comes across as very mean and conceited. He doesn’t visit our home and rarely sees his siblings and rarely communicates with our family, not even holidays and birthdays. His only friends are the ones she allows. The few times they’re around our family he’s so tense and he cuts people off in mid sentence as he tries to control even simple conversations so as not to set her off. He’s outright rude to us as parents. It’s obvious he’s not allowed by her to like us. And he’s unaware how he walks on eggshells just to try and make her happy and to prevent her from blowing up.
As parents, watching our adult son negatively change as he’s been with his narcissistic girlfriend/wife has been a stressful heartbreaking situation akin to having an adult son who’s an alcoholic or addict. It’s a grief like no other given that he’s still alive, but who we always knew appears to be gone.
Because of all of the above we limit contact with them. Trying to improve our relationship only serves to make it more distant. She’s made it clear we aren’t people she wants in their life. We’ve been adjusting to this loss, but given that we’re people who typically work things out (with non-personality disordered friends and family) it’s difficult to settle into this estrangement. And we also question if we’ve done all that we can, for how is it okay for us to walk away and leave our son and grandchildren who are living in such an abusive home environment?
We hope a day comes when he wakes up to his reality, but what if that day never comes? Is there something we could/should do that we’re missing? Yes, he’s an adult making life choices, but he’s also not experienced in such dysfunctional family behaviour and his years of living with her NPD behaviours including her silent treatment and raging makes us wonder if he’s suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Is it right to not do anything when a family member appears mentally ill, but has been convinced by his/her NPD spouse that his family is the problem?
I’m even more scared now

I’m even more scared now

Question to Australians in the group –

Hi Supporters

I have a protection order again my horrible Ex Army partner.  2.5 years of hell.

Today I was served a cross application saying he is scared I will break into his house and scare his children.

I’m 5’2 and small.  He is 6’4 tough army that’s been deployed on 3 operations.

I’m sickly scared of him as he has hurt me a lot and gets so angry.

How on earth does something so ridiculous get to go to court?

Does the judge think he is wasting his time?

I’m even more scared now.

What to expect if you decide to stay with a narcissist

What to expect if you decide to stay with a narcissist

Some people feel for one reason or another that they will remain with their abusive partner, parent or other family member. Despite overwhelming advice that leaving an abusive personality is the best thing one can possibly do for oneself in order to enjoy a normal peaceful life, some find that they cannot walk away. I have been in touch with so many people over the years who have stayed with an abusive partner for maybe thirty or forty years, clinging to the hope that somehow this person will change for the better. Their hopes and dreams were shattered when time revealed there was no improvement in behaviour. Sadly the only changes they witnessed were that the behaviour got considerably worse as they aged.

The best advice that I could give anyone is to create as much distance as you can between you and a toxic individual. Do not engage with them on any level.

Don’t stay with a narcissist because you feel obligated to do so. It is not selfish to think about yourself, it is absolutely necessary.

For those brave souls who wish to remain in close proximity with a narcissistic personality be prepared for the challenges that you will inevitably face as you share your life with these individuals. Keep your expectations low and be prepared for a rough ride.

By all means, set your boundaries but rest assured, the narcissist will disregard them and cross those lines time and time again.

Give up the idea of living your life on your terms. Familiarise yourself with the term, ‘double standards’. There will be a set of standards you will be expected to live by. However, these standards will not apply to them. You will be expected to live your life as the narcissist sees fit and abide by their rules. You will lose your individuality as you strive to achieve the impossible… i.e. making them happy. As most of us know, we are responsible for our own happiness. We cannot rely on others to do that for us. However, a narcissist doesn’t see things that way. They need your endless attention and admiration so that they can feel some semblance of contentment for short periods of time. The narcissist will get bored relatively quickly and you will find that you are not doing enough to ensure that these snippets of contentment last for long.

Invest in thick soled shoes or boots to protect your feet from sharp edges as you constantly walk on eggshells, tip toeing round this person so you don’t upset them with a casual glance, remark or dare I say, disagreement.

Lose yourself as you serve your master or mistress. Your friends will disappear as after all, you cannot be loyal to two masters so they’re not really going to have a place in your life any more. No doubt, you’ll be told what bad people they are so you’re really much better off without them. Your isolation will ensure that you have no one to turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on.

Let go of any idea that your thoughts, needs and wishes will be respected. Your emotional well-being is not of their concern. They will never feel your pain as you struggle to make sense of the hurt they cause you as a result of their cruel words and actions. You are more than likely just being too sensitive.

Grow accustomed to their anger and absorb their rage and expect to bear the brunt of these uncontrollable episodes.

Learn to forgive them their misdemeanours over and over again but don’t expect them to forgive yours.

As your life slips by, try not to dwell on the past, on the ‘what ifs’ or the ‘ could have beens’. Try not to think of how much better life would have been if you had walked away all those years ago. It was your decision to stay with someone who will never appreciate the sacrifices you made for them.

Written by Anne McCrea

How can I help her and my grand babies?

How can I help her and my grand babies?

I am looking for advice My daughter has NPD. I am her target she appears to everyone else as just the most perfectly sweet and kind woman the fallout does affect my husband and other daughters but she goes out of her way to be cruel to me and make me doubt myself I am forever apologising for things I didn’t do she bans  me from seeing my grandchildren she moved Interstate in February 2017 without telling us I am so worried for my two grandchildren aged 11 and 9 my husband is allowed to iMessage them every Saturday but only gets an answer every three or four weeks I actually think she is answering as the messages go to her email address can you give me some advice how I can help her and my grandbabies I think it is my fault I think I smacked her too much as a child she is 44 years old I need to help her and the children.