Four weeks into my healing process after breaking up with what was supposed to be the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with…
But that is a fairy tale really…
As soon as four months into the relationship I have been dealing with numerous red flags.
One year later I ran away afraid of being hit.
Another four months later after another attempt… I broke all bonds for my own well-being.
Social Media, phone, WhatsApp… All lines of contact have been blocked.
And the thing that really makes me angry, I am a trained health professional, knowledgeable about disorders, aware of red flags…and I let it happen.
Because that is what you do when you love someone.
Sometimes they do little things you don’t like…and you forgive them.
They love you and it won’t happen again… Right?
Unfortunately in real life a narcissistic character is not able to love, not able to show empathy, not able to comprehend the basics of how to treat people respectfully.
What makes a narc tick is how you make him/her feel better by your actions.
Unconditional love is something alien for a narc…no surprise I never got an ‘I love you’ over two years.
Intimacy is a way of payment, if you behave ‘good’ (read: as long you make them feel good) they will shower you with warmth.
If your actions do not follow up to their standards they give you the silent treatment as way of punishment, you are expected to crawl back…
Because understandably the victim is the cause of every conflict in the relationship…not the narcissist.
On a regular basis, I have been belittled, called out names, my intelligence and beauty trampled on and never got one apology.
Same goes for others.
Narc’s often have a long line of past relationships…all failed due to lack of competence from the other.
With everything that does not happen the way the narc wants, there is someone else at fault.
Does not get a promotion…surely his boss has not seen how amazing he is and made an error.
Does not perform on professional tests for certification…surely the examiner set him up to fail.
And so on…the narcissist is always the victim in every situation.
It even goes so far that if you talk or want to start a serious conversation…you are at fault for giving them a headache.
You can see how that kind of life style is detrimental for a good relationship. Living with a narcissist is living in an actual rollercoaster soap opera.
Aside to that I was slowly slipping in social isolation.
He checked my every movement, no phone call or text was to be answered late without drama.
Personal free time or spending time with friends was an insult to him.
After a night out with friends he actually made an ad on a dating site seeking female friends because his girlfriend prefers spending time with others…
Not even mentioned the extensive need of validation narcissists seek in the other gender.
My narc was a pathological liar when it came to other women.
He had steady contact with about four women behind my back, when confronted he lashes out in a huge verbally abusive temper, what nerve I got meddling with affairs that did not concern me.
No surprise that when given an ultimatum, me or others…he chose the frivolous life he is so attached to.
And for the good
After all, I was expected to invest in his dream house (financially), his dream job (dreams of being self-employed) and his dream life.
He had no means for that, can barely hold a job and has barely worked in two years.
And I was not to expect anything in return…gold digger is what comes to mind.
Even knowing I have been emotionally and verbally abused the last sixteen months.
It does not stop the hurt or pain, your love never really answered…it leaves its damage.
One should think that the knowledge of being abused creates a faster healing process…faster forgetting.
I wish that were true…that is the emotional hold the narc has over people.
Today I found a note, a note I wrote six months ago.
Points I tried to talk about with him the last time I agreed to give it another go…what was I thinking trying to reason with him?
Seeing it back I am overwhelmed with the feeling: nothing new here, look at what you wrote down so long ago…get over it, stop thinking about how much you loved him.
Today writing about…helps me one step further into the healing process.
And one day, when the tears have dried up…I will be stronger.
Your site is a welcome source for people dealing with this, keep up the good work.