I’m still so heartbroken

I’m still so heartbroken

I would like to share my story only because I’m still so heartbroken and not sure where to turn most days. Hoping this will help. In February, I will be separated from my husband for one year. I found out last January that my husband had a mistress. I then kept finding out more. We have been married for 21 years and I found out he had been trying to get with his mistress for 23 years. Yes, longer than our marriage. Then I found out that he had been with others. I’m not sure how many exactly. About 12 years ago, I suspected something was going on, I had been for years. I went to him to talk. He never said one word. I ended up talking to someone else for a couple of weeks. No sex. But I had prepared myself to leave. But my family (parents) wanted me to stay and work on things. I stayed. I have so much regret because if I would have left, I wouldn’t have wasted more time. Years! At first I blamed myself. Then I realized, that he had been doing this our whole marriage. I have wanted to die. I’m so scared. To be alone. Finances. Starting over at 43. I feel my family is torn apart. My daughter is angry (she heard things years ago) and my son wants to “help him”. It’s like something is seriously wrong with him. He doesn’t live with us anymore. I filed for divorce in February. He was finally served papers in July (he would never answer door). He left, kept seeing her and started talking and seeing others. I tried everything to make it work. Counselling which he charmed his way through. The counsellor loved him. Trying to invite him over to do things as a family…cook, hang out, go to dinner, etc. He lies so much. And goes on Facebook and other social media and portrays himself to be this guy with morals. He has given money to charities, friends, etc. Goes with his friends, but doesn’t see me or kids. Not even on thanksgiving. But tells me he loves me and is just trying to “get better”. That he is depressed. And hates himself for what he did. But can pay for him and his friends to go to a football game and stay in a hotel. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m scared of what my future holds. I’m tired of thinking maybe I should just end my life. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I just recently started going out with my girlfriends to just get out of house and stop crying every day. He now is accusing me of all kinds of things. I haven’t done anything except just trying to have fun with my friends. I try to put on a happy face. And I’m ok one minute and the next crying my eyes out. I’ve put off divorce because of my fears. I don’t know what to do. I just needed to get it all out. It is hard for me to tell people what’s really going on with me. Our children are 19 and 21. They know who he really is because he has basically abandoned them. He talks to our daughter maybe 5 times a month and our son maybe 10…not face to face but through texting. If that. I found out not only about the mistress he had been trying to get with for 23 years and sleeping with her for 11 years and other women (one night stands), but him on dating websites, found out about drugs he was doing and that he was on prescription drugs for bipolar disorder, ADHD and depression medicine. I had no idea about everything. I just always felt in my gut something wasn’t right. It’s so hard, because days may go by where I don’t hear from him and then he sends me a text saying he still loves me or he is thinking about me. I’m lost. Thanks for listening. I just had to get it out.

7 thoughts on “I’m still so heartbroken

  1. He is controlling you & has been your entire marriage.
    You deserve better!
    You need to leave him, block him on your phone, get a good lawyer, get alimony……..life is too short to spend anymore time thinking about this selfish narcissist. Just think, you could have any life you could dream of having if you allow yourself to move on from him. Don’t let him manipulate you anymore.
    Get counselling for you & only you. You can do it!!! <3

  2. I’m going through similar things. Long term marriage 18 years separated last March. Papers sitting at lawyers waiting on me to sign. It’s Christmas. I’m heartbroken and devastated. Kids bitter. This is horrible. He’s moved on and I’m stuck in my grief.

  3. Heartbroken..I ‘m sooo sorry this is terribly painful for you. Me and hundreds of others know EXACTLY what you are going thru. Trust me YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your story sounds a lot like mine minus the children. I know the shame, embarrassment and all the other feelings going on with you. I spent 16 years living a lie I didn’t know about. I too wanted to end my life because of the pain. But I read on many of the websites I went to that this is a normal thing to think when betrayed and hurt this deeply. One of the things I remember was from a woman who did try to end her life, and her story was much worse than ours….The counselor told her that Narcs live and breathe for attention and if she went thru with killing herself it would be another way for her Narc to get attention. Everyone would rally around him and feed his inflated ego and it would prove to everyone that his lies about her were true. WOW eye opener for me. I wish I was starting over at 43! You still have a beautiful long life ahead of you.. I am 62 and starting over..I am 8 months out of my disgusting situation..and I am learning to love life again.. Now I have to work thru the obsession to get revenge. My strong advice to you is to get on the internet and devour every piece of info about Narcs you can get..It’s important to educate yourself and you will begin to see how acceptance will become a part of you..I know this will be VERY hard for you but you MUST go no contact.. no answering texts, phone calls,etc. NOTHING.. I was driving by the house him and I shared for 16 years and would go down the street and have a breakdown coz her car was there in my spot..I had to force myself not to do this anymore..By him throwing out the ‘I lOVE YOU” is just his way of keeping you on the back burner should he run out of supply.. He will always have a backup to feed his ego..Don’t be his patsy..You have to believe me when I say you will heal..I promise you…The first stages of healing is the absolute worst…That’s why most people commit suicide in the first months after being discarded…I kept a journal the last year we were together and I pull it out when I have a weak moment and read it….What might be helpful for you is to keep a journal starting now and write every day about how you feel..At the end of the month go back and read what you wrote.. You will begin to see the fog lifting…Please keep moving forward..You can’t repair the damage to your children or yourself.. Whats done is done… This is not your burden to carry it’s his…And Karma always catches up to people that do wrong..I recently found out my ex is seriously ill…I have to stop myself from jumping up and down and laughing…I feel like God had a plan for me…If I had stayed any longer his medical issue would have been mine financially ,mentally, physically,etc..I BELIEVE IN YOU….you are stronger and more powerful than you know..

  4. My therapist gave me a great reading list… also told me to journal… plan dont plot though… he said: plan your life, dont plot revenge or look back.
    36 short months ago i was in exactly your position♡♡♡
    Today im so far ahead of where i was…
    Im 61, married 25 yrs. Divorced only 5months now…
    Honey, you cant see the rainbow if you look back over your shoulder like this, and its not healthy…
    Read “in search of significance” for spiritual counseling. Read “co dependancy for dummies” for intellectual counseling.
    Good blessings, and know you are not alone…

  5. I’m 62 and left my narc 18 month ago after 25 years of marriage. Walking on eggshells became a way of life as was been sworn at insulted and ignored. Takes some getting used to being alone, at first, but please believe me that it is the best thing u will do. I love my life and just sorting divorce out.

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