I would like to share my story only because I’m still so heartbroken and not sure where to turn most days. Hoping this will help. In February, I will be separated from my husband for one year. I found out last January that my husband had a mistress. I then kept finding out more. We have been married for 21 years and I found out he had been trying to get with his mistress for 23 years. Yes, longer than our marriage. Then I found out that he had been with others. I’m not sure how many exactly. About 12 years ago, I suspected something was going on, I had been for years. I went to him to talk. He never said one word. I ended up talking to someone else for a couple of weeks. No sex. But I had prepared myself to leave. But my family (parents) wanted me to stay and work on things. I stayed. I have so much regret because if I would have left, I wouldn’t have wasted more time. Years! At first I blamed myself. Then I realized, that he had been doing this our whole marriage. I have wanted to die. I’m so scared. To be alone. Finances. Starting over at 43. I feel my family is torn apart. My daughter is angry (she heard things years ago) and my son wants to “help him”. It’s like something is seriously wrong with him. He doesn’t live with us anymore. I filed for divorce in February. He was finally served papers in July (he would never answer door). He left, kept seeing her and started talking and seeing others. I tried everything to make it work. Counselling which he charmed his way through. The counsellor loved him. Trying to invite him over to do things as a family…cook, hang out, go to dinner, etc. He lies so much. And goes on Facebook and other social media and portrays himself to be this guy with morals. He has given money to charities, friends, etc. Goes with his friends, but doesn’t see me or kids. Not even on thanksgiving. But tells me he loves me and is just trying to “get better”. That he is depressed. And hates himself for what he did. But can pay for him and his friends to go to a football game and stay in a hotel. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m scared of what my future holds. I’m tired of thinking maybe I should just end my life. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I just recently started going out with my girlfriends to just get out of house and stop crying every day. He now is accusing me of all kinds of things. I haven’t done anything except just trying to have fun with my friends. I try to put on a happy face. And I’m ok one minute and the next crying my eyes out. I’ve put off divorce because of my fears. I don’t know what to do. I just needed to get it all out. It is hard for me to tell people what’s really going on with me. Our children are 19 and 21. They know who he really is because he has basically abandoned them. He talks to our daughter maybe 5 times a month and our son maybe 10…not face to face but through texting. If that. I found out not only about the mistress he had been trying to get with for 23 years and sleeping with her for 11 years and other women (one night stands), but him on dating websites, found out about drugs he was doing and that he was on prescription drugs for bipolar disorder, ADHD and depression medicine. I had no idea about everything. I just always felt in my gut something wasn’t right. It’s so hard, because days may go by where I don’t hear from him and then he sends me a text saying he still loves me or he is thinking about me. I’m lost. Thanks for listening. I just had to get it out.