I’m dumbfounded

I’m dumbfounded

I’ve just been dumped by a woman that I’ve loved for the past five years. I was at a loss as to the reasons why when my mate mentioned narcissism. I’m dumbfounded. She’s given me silent treatments before and I always thought I’d done something to upset her. I always ended up apologising to get her to come back to me again. Now I know it’s not my fault. It’s her but I’m devastated. Why would she do this to me when I loved her so much and she knew it. ¬†Are these people that evil? It’s only been two weeks and she’s refused to answer my calls and texts. Why? I’m so confused. Please help.

 

5 thoughts on “I’m dumbfounded

  1. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I understand your confusion and I want to tell you immediately that there is hope. You will come out on the other side of this stronger and wiser. If you want it that is.
    If your ex is narcisstic you have likely been abused in ways that you didn’t even know existed. Sadly most of us keep going back until we’re so broken that there’s barely anything left of who we use to be. I hope you don’t make that mistake.
    Gaslighting is one of a narcs favorite methods of abuse. Don’t let the ridiculousness of how they do it fool you. This is a severely damaging form of abuse. Learn what it is and protect yourself.
    I could write for hours teaching you and giving you examples but I can’t do that. I’m going to give you the best advice that you can receive at this point. If your ex is a narcissist then it is so important for you to go NO Contact as soon as you can. But don’t make plans to do it unless you plan on sticking to no contact. That means no calls, texts, emails, face to face or anything else. No contact is not the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a way narcs abuse others to manipulate etc. No contact is a way to protect yourself from further abuse and manipulation.
    You’re going to want to search the following terms and learn them like your life depends on it. Warning: just as soon as you pull back and stop contacting her she will wonder what happened and will try to seduce you back. It helps if you add a pic as her contact pic that reminds you of the pain she’s caused you and also change her name in your contacts to whatever you have to that will keep you from answering her calls, texts etc.
    Search the following:
    Narcissist Symptoms
    Narcissistic Supply
    Trauma Bonding
    Gray Rock Mode
    NO Contact
    Gaslighting
    Hoovering
    Devaluation
    Flying Monkeys
    Love Bombing
    Mirroring
    Projecting
    If you learn these you will be on the good road to recovery. Facing the truth about who narcissists are is extremely difficult but once you do that then the healing can begin. Healing from Narcisstic Abuse is not an overnight thing but you can heal and that’s what is important. Good luck and God bless you.

  2. Yes, they are that evil. No, it’s not your fault. This is the hardest thing you’ll ever face is having to accept that you did nothing wrong, nothing you can pick at, blame yourself for, or try to “fix.”

    No, it doesn’t matter if you got upset at that one argument and said something you shouldn’t have, or if you didn’t answer her 8 calls a day and so you are a Bad Boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if you forgot an anniversary, or forgot to grab milk at the store when she asked you to. NONE of it matters. Your faults, real as they may (or may not) be, are irrelevant. When you date a narcissist, all the cards are the Ace of Spades and you’re always going to lose, and trying to nitpick at yourself to try and fix what’s wrong won’t work this time. After a healthy relationship, after a healthy breakup, those are good things to do; to work on being a better, happier, healthier person. But after a breakup with a narcissist it’s just going to tear your soul apart. Because NONE of it matters.

    How much you loved her (and she knew it and reveled in the power and control it gave her) doesn’t matter (I’m sorry. It should matter. It doesn’t. Not to her.) What you did, sacrificed, gave to her SHOULD matter. It doesn’t. I wish it did. All of these things SHOULD matter. They don’t.

    And the hardest thing is trying to fall asleep, night after night, when you’re in the initial “WTF I’ve just been chucked in the gutter?!” phase *knowing* that none of it matters. But until you wrap your head around knowing, for real, that none of it WAS real, you are going to stay stuck in self-blame. Stop. Just stop, man.

    Why would she do this to you? Because she could. It’s that simple. It’s that brutal. It’s that painful. It sucks, it hurts, and here it is 6 AM and I’m coming off of ANOTHER sleepless night because I lie awake having the same damned roundyroundyloo of BS in my head. “Why did he do this to me?! Why did he do that, say that?! I did everything for him and I gave him my lifeblood WHY?!” There is no why we can understand. There is only “what.” WHAT they did to us, was wrong.. And they. Don’t. Care.

    There is no “why” past “because they wanted to” and that’s hard to accept. Hard to live with. Impossible to understand. Stop trying to understand, it’ll only make you crazier. Because all too often, to understand crazy, you have to become a little crazy.

    Research trauma bonds, because in the next few months you’re going to be battering your head against the wall going through withdrawal. And stay strong. Somewhere out there, is someone worth it. And if you don’t believe that, your sanity is worth it. YOU are worth it.

  3. Silent treatment is the narcissist’s calling card aimed to make you feel emotionally murdered, completely annihilated. Do yourself a favor and begin really digging in to educate yourself about narcissism. It is a personality disorder. Pick up Psychopath Free (yes, scary title, but I assure you very eye opening read). Do NOT attempt to contact this woman, as you are feeding in to her need to “control” you. One way love is no love at all friend. We are ALL devastated when treated as nothing by someone we have loved. This is your opportunity to do some real soul searching. Get into therapy. Ask yourself “why am I with this woman who treats me like this”. We all play a role in these relationships, mostly as codependents. This is an opportunity for YOU to take back your OWN LIFE, or for some of us, establish one for the first time ever. Go NO CONTACT, block her ability to reach you on phone, email, etc. Go through the INTENSE grieving process, educate yourself (there’s plenty out there) and start your journey to wholeness. Life with a narcissist depletes our very souls.

  4. This article was spot on, sadly, been through it all. They don’t change and will never give you closure. I finally had to answer “WHY”for myself, because I loved him and he was using me.

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