I feel so weak and vulnerable

I feel so weak and vulnerable

I believe the person I just got out of a relationship is a true narcissist or sociopath and even though I have known this for months it still hurts so bad right now. I feel like he is purposely doing things to hurt me. We were together for a year and a half he’s always been very insecure and would comment on the fact I had male friends and would say things like he couldn’t believe I would date somebody like him and that I’d realize I could do better and leave but I never wanted that I was so in love with him and wanted nothing more than to be with him. Things started to get rocky when I started showing signs of jealousy and would get upset when he’d like other girls pictures on Facebook or Instagram. If he was down and I’d ask him what was wrong he would explode at me and tell me I was projecting on to him that there was something wrong with me and I was being untrustworthy. He would ask for breaks and then always come back with new female friends I had never seen or heard of. We did have good times he’d have me spend a lot of nights at his house and took me on two really beautiful vacations. In November he had broken up with me claiming it was because of my extreme projection of jealousy and if I could learn to trust him we could be together in this time we were communicating and occasionally sleeping together but he made it very clear we weren’t together so I decided one day to talk to somebody else and went to lunch with them and then shortly cut it off because I didn’t feel ready he got wind of it and totally lost it. He told everyone I was a lying cheating whore. He came to my house and grabbed my phone out of my hand and went through my messages and saw messages I exchanged with my best friend that didn’t say anything nice about him and he became so angry I had to get my uncle to get h to leave later on that night he started messaging everybody we knew and called my job I’m a nurse and told them I was on drugs and stealing from my patients and almost made me lose my license. I ended up getting a restraining order but I was devastated I felt like the coming days I didn’t know what happened and then on Christmas he messaged me violating the order knowing he could go to prison and I was so vulnerable I felt if he was willing to do that maybe he was really sorry and loved me so I agreed to meet and talk to him he was so sad and I felt so loved we went on up until 2 weeks ago constantly breaking up and making up and I told myself in my head if we could get through to when the restraining order was up we would be fine we talked about taking vacations when it was up and everything then two weeks ago I discovered he was talking to his ex gf who he had an on and off relationship with for 8 years prior to me I always felt very insecure about this girl knowing this because he would tell me they were just friends well come to find out they had been going out on dates still and I totally lost my mind I emailed her and told her everything be she never responded my ex told me we’d never get back together and gave me the silent treatment for 4 days last week then contacted me on Thursday to reinforce the fact we’re never going to get back together because I’m scary when I get angry and he can’t risk going to prison he kept calling and messaging me then showed up at my house Saturday night and we slept together because clearly I never learn my lesson and after he told me there was still not a chance of working anything out because we don’t trust each other. I didn’t talk to him all day Sunday and then asked him to come stay the night because I missed him I expressed Monday after noon I still wanted something with him and he refused so I said I understood and didn’t talk to him until last night when I discovered on his Facebook through a mutual friend he was still communicating with his ex gf so I messaged both of them I feel so ashamed of myself I don’t understand why I can’t just let this go a huge part of me wants to move on for good where the other part desperately wants him to come back. He never replied to my messages which hurts tremendously. I don’t understand how one day he loves me and cares and the next can just throw me away like trash I’ve never been so depressed I feel so weak and vulnerable I had to share my story with you. Do you have any insight at all what I should expect or do have you ever heard a similar story? I don’t know what to do 😞

5 thoughts on “I feel so weak and vulnerable

  1. I must admit I am in a relationship right now that is rocky, but not AS rocky as this. It’s long distance & he is dealing with a disease that attacks his entire body, but his mind as well. He just told me tonight he can’t FEEL the love he has for me but he KNOWS it’s there. I’ve been having the same roller coaster ride with emotions & not knowing how to feel or how to move on or if I even want to. I can’t let go. All I can say is that I feel eventually darling you’ll get so tired of being treated this way that slowly but surely you’ll begin detaching & building a wall. You can do this. Try to detach & go out with other men. Don’t be afraid of him! God bless!

  2. Well, as far as insight into what you can expect? Just more of the same. This isn’t a “relationship” with any future. This is a drama. Get yourself into therapy, get yourself into a 12-step program similar to codependents anonymous, and go No Contact with this “man” – and he isn’t a man in any true sense of the word. He’s a manipulative little boy, and you are allowing him to do the things he does with no consequences. Honey, HE is not the problem, nor is HIS behavior. Sorry, but YOU are the issue – why YOU allow this trash in your life, why YOU don’t think you deserve better. Do research on trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and codependence. Learn what keeps you going back to your abuser. Make your life about YOU, not this trash drama.

    1. Yep. Me too. Same craziness. Daily. Verbal abuse, mental abuse. Cycle then cycle again. 3.5 yrs.
      Has to break away. Get help

  3. No! She is NOT the issue…HE IS!!! For pete’s sake!! This is the dynamic of the relationship with a narcissist. Push and pull. This is a disordered person, a con man…and will be until he breathes his last breath. Educate yourself on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. May I recommend Sam Vaknin and HD Tudor. Both are narcissists….one of the Somatic and Greater kind….one Cerebral and self described as malignant. Only no contact and time can heal your heart, however, educating yourself will help you get out of your heart to some degree and into your head. Thoroughly understanding what kind of person you are dealing with and what you are up against if you continue to deal with him, will help you immensely. You’re a care giver and probably an empath…right up the Narc’s alley. Do your homework. You will recognize so many confusing, devastating behaviors and be enlightened. Once you have understanding and you choose to continue to allow him in your life to kill your soul and destroy all you have worked so hard for, then it’s on you. I think you’re smart enough to make the best and healthiest decisions once you gain knowledge and understanding. May Yahweh bless you in your journey out of hell and give you strength. You CAN free yourself from this no win situation…I promise you. Be strong sister!!! XXXXOOOO!

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