How do I stay in contact with him and the children?
My brother is in an abusive marriage to a narc. She controls his every move and has brainwashed him against his family. How do I stay in contact with him and the children, who I love very much, while dealing with her lies and behaviour?
One thought on “How do I stay in contact with him and the children?”
Good question. I hope someone who’s now out of such a marriage would share what they think would’ve been helpful for them and whatever family members did that helped them at such a time.
It’s a difficult spot you’re in because you don’t want to give the okay on their maltreatment of you and your family, but there’s no way to discuss and improve the situation as attempting such only serves to enrage the NPD spouse and increase the stress on your brother who then easily agrees it’s his family causing the problem. And so, one has to ignore the maltreatment if one is to try to continue with some type of relationship. It’s a double bind of dammed do damned don’t.
Possible suggestions:
1. Tell your brother that even though there’s estrangement with your extended family and his family you would like to keep in touch with him and your nieces and nephews. Tell him although you don’t agree with/or approve of past behaviors your love for him is steadfast and you want to keep connected. Perhaps you could suggest meeting every so often at a park for a picnic or going out for pizza and a movie? But I suggest you also make it clear that you will not agree to being used in triangle communication with him and his spouse and your extended family members they’re not on speaking terms with (this is something NPD spouses do, they get their spouse to stop talking to his/her family, blaming them, and then they tell lies to the one or two family members they allow to remain, working to get them on their side, and they intentionally say things expecting such family members to be the messengers back to the estranged family). Such triangulation causes more problems and should be avoided.
2. Has anyone tried to share with him information about having an NPD spouse? I’ve wondered how that goes in such situations. Also, have you tried connecting with him by asking if he’s thought about how he feels when she’s giving him the silent treatment or how he feels when she’s raging? I’ve wondered if anyone, any family member, ever thinks to ask the spouse such questions. Do you ever ask him if she rages or gives him the silent treatment and then if he says yes, do you explain how that’s not healthy behaviors in a relationship, but instead are forms of abuse and create a very stressful home environment for him and his children. Have you suggested he seek counseling alone with a therapist experienced in personality disordered people? And have you told him no matter what has transpired there are family members who are here for him when he chooses to get help?
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