He seems to have it all while I am suffering

He seems to have it all while I am suffering

Good morning!  I was wondering if you could post for me.  I just recently found out that my former husband and his wife are pregnant.  It doesn’t come as a surprise as they started dating within a couple weeks of our divorce and married very quickly (after our 10 year marriage).  It has been 2 years and I’ve done a lot of soul searching, learning, finding myself, grieving and healing from this and I feel I’ve fallen back to the start.  I never wanted children for fear of having them in a broken home.  We share a 3 year old and my fear came true.  My struggle was having my family together and I tried to convince him to love me and see that I was worthy of a family.  He is a classic narcissist, manipulator and controlling, very good at projection and playing the victim.  I just don’t want to hurt anymore as I see that he seems to have it all, the family I deeply wanted but wasn’t good enough for.  He already said there’s more to the world than our son and at least this new child will have their parents together. Something my son will have to be reminded of and the endless questions that will follow.  As a Christ follower, I know that I am stronger but I am weak right now and the tears of hurt are taking over.  I am so angry that he has gotten away with so much (won’t go into that) and doesn’t have to suffer any consequences.  He seems to have it all while I’m still suffering. ❤️

7 thoughts on “He seems to have it all while I am suffering

  1. Your son only needs one stabile, reliable, loving parent, that’s you! The fact that your ex says there is more to the world than him, shows he is not a true parent and probably never will be. Telling you that at least his new child will have both parents is cruel, he is purposely trying to make you feel guilty and messing with your head. He is still emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Believe me, it’s easier to see from the outside. I still have contact, sporadically, with my ex as we also have a child together. I have believed his lies, manipulations etc also. The only thing that continually grounds me in reality is our daughter. I look at her and know I have done and continue to do the right thing. Your son will understand when he is older, I’m sure of it. He may look like he has it all, but you know better. His new wife has probably yet to be introduced to the private hell your ex creates. As for struggling, of course we’re all struggling, but that is their doing. I’m finally putting my life back together, financially it will take years, but I wouldn’t trade the peace I have with my daughter for anything. Hold onto the peace you have in your home with your son! Don’t allow your ex to undermine, or destroy it, that’s exactly what he wants.

  2. He hasnt gotten away with anything hon. What you seeing is an illusion. Remember she is his next victim. She will be put through what you have gone through. Stay strong. Educate yourself on the behaviour and you wil get through this. The support is there. I do know how you feel. I thought the same thing. I know now he hasnt got away with anything.

  3. I know the feeling.
    If your ex was also someone who was a sophisticated covert, very good with impression management, and fluent in being “godly” as well, then maybe you also have had a lot of sorting out to do on many levels. It’s tough when abuse is all bound up in “godly” appearance, and the two seem to be one. Your head knows that they are not, but they’ve been coded deeply together in a way your gut takes a while to sort out and separate from God. I know that’s not the focus of your post, but since you mentioned “Christ follower”, I thought I’d throw it out there in case it resonates. (There’s so much strengthening just in those, “You, too? I’m not the only one,” moments!) Maybe you’ve also had to suffer through all the comments from his deceived flying monkeys about God blessing his new marriage, what a wonderful couple they are, etc.

    Yes, chances are that your ex’s new spouse will suffer a similar fate as yours, as someone else said, and as is usually said of narcs. But , in thinking about my case, I’ve realized that this may not totally come to pass in the satisfying way that it would be so validating to see. In my case, not only is he extremely sophisticated in what he does, in his new situation, he has positioned himself smack dab in the middle of his ultimate, safest sources of unquestioning narcissistic supply. His false self is ensconced in an image from a certain era, region and narrow cultural world from earlier in his life. People within it knew and totally accepted his false self image; it was when he got out into a bigger world that he couldn’t quite be chameleon enough to manipulate every single person thoroughly– scary for him! He went back to a woman from that era with intention to marry her from day one (saw his diary), pulled her in, married her when appearances were finally “appropriate”, moved into the community he always wanted to live in, surrounded by other people and places that support and never challenge his false self. She’s just the kind of person, and it’s just the kind of community, that may remain such safe narcissistic supply that they never need to be subject to ENOUGH of the other modes and phases that they wake up and realize the eggshells they are on. Especially late in life (they’re over 50), I think keeping the peace will always seem most important, and things may very well never blow apart for them.
    So here’s where I have to rest, and put myself back over and over again: God sees. He knows. He is not fooled. In this life, there may be no observable consequences. Even so, someday, somehow, it will all be ok. That’s all I know. And he does not “have it all”. He is a hollow shell, disconnected from even his own true self. He doesn’t even have himself! He lives a life in which there is always the vigilance to control, to win. Every. single. interaction must be managed, controlled. In my ex’s case, he positioned himself in a way that this takes the least effort possible, but it is still his constant reality. Cut yourself off from truly genuine, spontaneous emotions and relationships, and… just what a pathetic existence! Meanwhile, YOU become more the authentic You you were meant to become everyday, growing, changing, loving. It’s not always pretty and “blessed” looking (this is a crap evaluation anyway), but it is dynamic and real. You have the better life, no questions. Love to you.

    1. I’ve read far more than I care to think about on the subject of narcissism. I want to commend you for your awareness of how he shifted his supply to a Less threatening dynamic (makes total sense to me!) and that by comparison with her experience, it may never come to light in the same way. What you offered her was a true gift. We all imagine and feel overwhelming shame and responsibility for these predators. She may have retraumatized herself again and again by continuing to compare, and hopefully you have given her the insight to know it was never her fault. She is worthy.

  4. I’m so sorry, that is so painful. It is has to be painful to watch him seemingly have the life you had hoped at one point to have with him. But if he hasn’t gotten help that poor woman is probably going to go through the exact same thing as you. For me the most painful thing has been my daughter. I hurt for her and for her never getting to see her dad. (his choice). So I can understand that it would break your heart and your sons. God will be his father for sure. That is what I pray for my daughter.

  5. Feel for you. Keep your chin up girl. He hasn’t got everything. It is an illusion.
    Your son has the world in you. Traditional family with mum and dad is over rated.
    All kids need is one loving and caring parent. My dad brought me up single handedly while holding a very responsible job. I never felt I missed out on anything by not having a mum. If you are worried about a male role model in his life , granddad , uncle or a good family friend could step into that role easily.
    I am a single mum. My narcissistic husband walked out to be with his girlfriend when my son was 3 months old. I brought up my son all on my own in a foreign country, with no family.
    Today he is a very successful lawyer.
    You can do it. Praise the lord that he is your ex and not in your life full time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.