Feeling very lost

Feeling very lost

Hello, I would like to anonymously ask the community a question.
How do you manage co-parenting young children after a split from a narcissist (father)?  visitations, financial support, etc.

I am building up to splitting from my narcissist, however, I am very nervous about what he may say to the kids about me – he already tells them that I am selfish and don’t look after them well enough¬† (not true! 😣).

I’m feeling very lost.

3 thoughts on “Feeling very lost

  1. I split from my Narcissist ex recently. I (like most here, I’d imagine) understand your anxiety around this and everything else. And it’s most likely warranted.

    Unfortunately, one of the lessons that we all have to learn and relearn is that we cannot control the words or actions of others, certainly not of a Narcissist. It’s entirely possible that he will say negative things about you if he has opportunity. So long as he has visitation with them, there will always be opportunity for such things.

    What you can have control over is how your children actually see you, in your home environment. Teach by example, they’ll see and hear what they need to know about their mother. And at some point, they’ll see and hear the things they need to know about their father too. Point out things as they are happening, to illustrate examples of things we are supposed to do for others, ways to behave.

    You’re best off to get local legal information first. Look for a women’s group, perhaps a shelter or rape crisis line could give you some contacts. Many of these groups can help you get free legal advice, many lawyers will give a free half hour or hour consultation. The main thing is to not in any way break the law while leaving, it will certainly be used against you. You will most certainly need to at some point appear before a judge to get a legal parenting and child support order. Most Narcissists don’t even willingly follow those to the letter, but then at least you have the law on your side.

    When I left, I had all that underway. Anything of real importance to me I had secretly packed up and taken to a friend’s a few months earlier (in case he somehow tampered with/took/destroyed those things). He believed I was moving out on one day, I moved us out for days earlier, while he was at work. It was terrifying. But in my case, it was absolutely the right thing to do.

    The main thing is to stay out of his games. Don’t engage. Don’t let him see that he’s getting to you, even if he’s making you crazy. When he isn’t getting his supply of power and control from you, eventually he’ll turn somewhere else.

    I wish I could tell you it will be easy, it won’t. But it will be a far cry easier than living in that hell with him. You’ll be able to breathe again. It will be much better. You’ll be able to decide what direction your life will take after this. I wish you safe travels.

  2. I am in the midst of a divorce from a narcissist, we “separated” abruptly about a year and a half ago when she served me with a restraining order (on New Years Eve)accusing me of physically abusing her and my children after I exposed her affair. After running me out of the small town we had moved to 5 months earlier she has denied me all contact with my kids. She also met and started a serious relationship with the lawyer who advised her to get a restraining order, resulting in a pregnancy within 10 months of my leaving.

    As things currently sit, I have had to hire an expensive lawyer that I now pay to get the same run around I have been getting for the last year.

    I was hoping this thread might answer the OP’s post, I wish I could, but I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

  3. He’ll most likely take you for everything, as in emotionally and parentally alienate you like, forever. Be prepared for all hell to break loose. You need to be very strategic here.

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