I walked away because…
After 20 years of trying to make it work I realized that I would never be good enough in his mind. He was an emotional vampire and sucked the life out of me to the point where I was so depressed I’d stay in bed for days. The last straw was a second domestic violence incident that sent me to the ER again. I got a restraining order and filed for divorce that Monday. Without the no contact I’d have probably taken him back again. Best thing I ever did…. 2 years later and I’m still recovering but things are looking up.
I walked away once and filed for divorce about 14 years ago due to his many affairs. He was able to manipulate me back into the relationship due to my ignorance about what I was dealing with at the time.
I am much more informed these days and better understand what is going on, but I haven’t left yet again due to trying to finish college to secure a better paying job and future for my single self at this time.
My other concern is the actual divorce itself. Everything I have read and currently understand about the narc and divorce is that they will drag it out until the divorcing partner is completely broke (if they don’t want the divorce themselves), and sometimes once the funds are depleted a divorce can never be achieved. This frightens me horribly. I am in my 50’s and need every penny I have scraped together.
I was struck deeply by a comment that was posted on facebook about this topic and wanted to respond. The comment:
‘Even when financial security was handed to him, it was still about making sure that he spent it all on himself and did nothing for his family including home improvements.’
This describes my narc exactly. Our home is in a HORRIBLE state and needs so much work inside and out, yet he refuses to help pay for it saying he can’t afford it, spending all his money instead on completely unnecessary purchases for himself or his adult children from his first marriage. What is interesting to note, he was able to manipulate his first wife into paying for the repairs and upkeep for the home he shared with her. She was forced to take the money out of one of her trust funds her father had set up for her. When my narc divorced her, she got it returned as part of the decree, only because he was divorcing her and wanted it over with quickly. She also got half his retirement in the divorce, which is what I will request when I ultimately file for divorce.
And, it is interesting to note that early in our marriage, I was the one who paid for any refurbishing or touch-ups to our home (I have long since quit except for my personal bedroom), PLUS, he insisted I pay him $500 a month to live in the home with him to cover my share of costs, like we were roommates and not marital partners. I insisted that had to end when I returned to the marriage after the first time I left. He pays for more now, but he punishes me in other ways financially, spiritually and emotionally.
Thanks for allowing me a place to anonymously share. I can’t do it on the facebook posts.
Very similar to what my narc did. In our case, his adult son took 6 years to finish college instead of 4. Though we had a prenup saying that we were to renegotiate the financial terms of maintaining our marital home, Jerk Narc refused on the grounds that his son was still in college. He insisted that I continue paying 1/2 home expenses for 7 years though his income was 6 times more than mine. My source of income had dried up meantime, so I borrowed $20,000 to pay my share. I was a roommate, housework slave and sex source. When we divorced I could get none of that $20,000 back because I’d given it freely. During this time he gave his grown kids 3 cars, sent his son to Asia, and daughter to Europe for pleasure, etc etc. also subsidized their lives as seldom were all of them employed at the same time. Deeply regret marrying him.
Too many reasons and I’ve known too many narcissists. However, essentially in knowing and trying to appease them in the process I lost myself. I had to leave them to remember who I was away from those trying to excercise their power over me and influence my identity.
Because I was and I am still not the person I was, I had a moment of clarity and accepted he was destroying me; bit by bit. I also believe it was inevitable that he would eventually kill me..and that’s not right
I knew I would become more physically sick than I already was. I couldn’t take the pain of silent treatment and blame. And then complaints about my mother having cancer and it taking away from his life. I am broken but I will heal and find myself.
After 20 years of marriage he publicly humiliated having his mistress escorted on the football field during a collegiate game I was at. He was a coach. He had been working out of state for years enduring my support but had a another family with him. He says a world within a world. He got me by using God and religion as a front. Of course she was younger and Asian. This wasn’t his first affair. The lying, cheating, betrayal, abandonment silent tteatment, gaslighting, yeast infections. He even told me hr had herpes in the mouth caused by teeth cleaning. They are excellent recruiters at preying on your weaknesses, blaming,
brainwashing making you and everyone else thinking you are crazy. it taken years and im still debrainwashing. I begged him and her for divorce. He told me if I file for divorce he will kill me. He hasn’t coached in years now. Head coach retired weeks after incident. His way of apologizing is with another lie avoiding taking ownership. I feel sorry for him he lost everything over a thot. I was his biggest fan. I will never trust him again. At least he responds to grandkids now. He says he is hiding. Night shocks are not a joke.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.
Years of his alcoholism. Also emotional, mental, sexual, physical and financial abuse. Also he refused treatment for any of this.
For the sake of my children…I could see the same narcisstic cycle that I lived with being repeated on my kids as grandchildren. It scared me enough to protect them and in doing so protected myself for once. Hard to do in as extended family would just like me to keep the peace but it’s the first time I couldn’t care less and putting my kids welfare first- not what is convienient!
I walked away because he started physically abusing our son.
I walked away because she was an “emotional leech” and everything had to be the way she wanted it. She didn’t work but yet wanted to control the money as she was better at it – supposedly – but when there was something that I wanted there was never enough however if there was something she wanted we could make it work .
Not to mention she was the one that was physically abusive – not that it really hurt but that she did it anyway. She stopped because she broke a finger hitting me. She did not like that I wanted to improve myself by going to the gym – 3 years of hostile comments, snide remarks, dirty looks, and so on. This kind of nonsense makes you realize that this is not right. No triangulation though as she can’t keep friends due to her constant criticism of others, and no cold shoulders as she would prefer to lash out rather than keep it to herself.
Even now, she keeps trying to reel me back in but it is not working. She is taking Ciprolex to control the behaviour but that just makes her even sneakier.
I don’t even know where to start. We live in a small town away from everyone I knew. I had a 6 week old baby and then he started FIFO I was alone with a teenager and a new baby. He wouldn’t hear my pleas and I went into a deep depression. I finally got him to leave by telling others what was going on. Something I hated doing ” airing publicly”. I thought my life was hell before. Wasn’t I in for a rude shock. He had everyone convinced I was crazy. It came to a head when I was arrested in February for driving down the street and he and his gf got false statements saying I was near there house. 3 times.that week they had tried to get me arrested for stalking bashing her up in the supermarket. Lucky for me that video cameras and CCTV proved her alliegations where false. However due to him being a fireman and working with police who are his friends I spent 96 days in gaol. I got out last Thursday to find out his defacto had stolen and sold my vintage car. I called police who claim she had every right to come into my home steal my belongings and evidence my computer going through my paperwork photos underwear and even lying in my bed. She goes by a fake name. If I heard my story I would believe it is so far fetched I wouldn’t believe it. I know have another nightmare to deal with trying to get my girls back that he only wants to hurt me and them. I have got to get help to fight this. This is crazy and rife with police corruption. Thank god i met some amazing women councillors who are working with government officials into corruption and DV and hopefully we together will win this fight. I don’t blame those who don’t believe me but the loss of trust when your own family think your lying hurts. I will never get over the betrayal and except for my children feel I have lost everyone.
I walked away because this narcissist sister of mine started to turn ‘her rage and anger’ towards my 10 year old daughter by criticisizing her. That made me decide to drastically cut communication with her. I feel sorry for my 10 year old niece, she is suffering her mom’s actions, and I can’t do anything 🙁
What about not being able to walk away.
I want to. Desperately.
But with 6kids….3 teenagers..and starting all over with 3 girls ages 6 , 3,1. He trapped me, admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose in my late 30s.
Kept me home, but 5 classes to graduate w.a BBS.
But to do WHAT?
I am socially innept, anxiety is where miss bubbly personality that was out going and severely empathic. I can’t watch movies , tv, regular news… anything violent, sad or negative causes me to break down. Other than that, I refuse to show emotions otherwise. I feel broken
Your kids will understand. Do what is best for you. My mother is trying to leave my NPD father. I am almost 30, and wish she left him while I was younger so I didn’t have so much anxiety in my life. I would have understood. Be careful your NPD husband does not affect your children, it is them who will need therapy later too 🙁 you deserve happiness! And a chance at doing YOU. We all have one life. How do you want to spend the rest of your time on this planet?
My NPD father is desperately trying to Hoover us back in, I’m trying to be strong and need my mother to also be strong so she can get her life together. She was just as you described yourself: bubbly, happy, extremely empathetic. Financially controlled by him. You can do this. We can do this.
Because the sociopath bf of 3 1/2 months wanted complete and total control of my mother after she had a stroke. I knew he was evil, but it was only me against everyone (doctors, nurses and hospitals included — HIPA is a joke) . I was tired of being screamed at by her friends saying I didn’t love her. I was tired of being ignored, between a rock and a hard spot, I was tired of projection, I had it when she cussed out my child because the bf baited him. I walked over 3 years ago. It took a long time to get over everything. To realize after 50 years my life with my mother was a complete lie. I walked, I healed and now she had no place in my head or my life. Life is GOOD.
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