Were you able to silence the doubts that you are good enough?
Question for the community: once you were finally free from your narcissist, were you able to find and accept love from another person? Were you able to trust them and yourself? Were you able to silence the doubts that you were good enough for them and lovable? Any advice for someone who has been told how worthless and unwanted they are for over twenty years straight?
3 thoughts on “Were you able to silence the doubts that you are good enough?”
Spend time journalling your thoughts and emotions and when a comment surfaces from bad memories(eg what they tried to brainwash you in to believing about yourself) think about evidence to the contrary that shows how flawed their arguments were) There is an abundance of positive things about you that you may have pushed aside, or diminished in the shadow of a controlling person who did not wish you to own your strengths and qualities(keeping you effectively where they wanted you to be to you with you). In effect narcissists try to dim your shine, or diminish your lights/qualities, so over two decades you may forgotten all your brightest parts and sparkle and come to doubt your self and your abilities. However, it will take time to remember who you are and your innate worth and how you value yourself. Self care is vital ahead of even contemplating a new relationship.
I took a year writing down thoughts and remarks made and directed towards me. I then looked at evidence of why I would believe a word of it…. The origin was spouse’s jealousy and low self esteem/biplolar and a good deal of what was said to me was transference ie deficiencies in them but deflected at me. I left and made a policy of no contact as mind games would continue and undo all the good work/progress i had made in my life. He has since been in touch but I won’t waste time being lured back in to the spider web or the quagmire which I feel is the better of the two analogies.
Find yourself a therapist and chew over stuff so that you can detach from intensity of drama you unwittingly became part of while they were in your life. You may feel you know no other life but I can assure you, over the next few years (if you are prepared to look after yourself slowly and surely) you will reawaken YOU without them and be glad to start afresh. It is possible to feel happier than even your brightest memory that included them.
Once the bits of you return and you lose the panicky on-edge feeling, you will meet someone when you are not trying to and when you least expect. You will realise you are at your most independent and the best version of yourself after ‘recovery’ from your ordeal. Yes there will be low points, and these have to happen to grieve appropriately.
Take your time getting to know the next person and read up on red flags in narcissistic personalities and trust your intuition. It is possible to trust again and meet a loving, trustworthy and passionate partner who will respect and love you as you deserve. Do not settle for less than you deserve and know what you will and won’t accept from past experience.
I have now met someone I’m very happy with and who treats me very well and reminds me what calm joy feels like. During low points in my recovery having escaped from an abusive marriage, I never thought I would trust another man again but they thankfully are not all the same. Take your time and do the work on yourself and when the time is right it is your decision when to welcome a deserving soul in to your life to share in peace that you co-create together. Compromise is everything, trust and respect must be guaranteed or there can be no love. Control is not love and once you see mindset of man/person you were once shackled to you will be totally liberated to enjoy a much more fulfilling relationship than you can possibly imagine right now. Best of luck to you.
I’m still not able to trust and it’s been over 10 years I hit the drugs and alcohol I ended up losing everything even my children it’s been about 15 years and I am finally getting my life together but I still don’t won’t a male in my life.
WOW, Caroline above, I was so in need of your words today. One year out on the 29th of this month and going through appropriate stages of grief. Thank you for such a beautiful, inspiring answer to the question we all face. I’m finding my time alone now very, very good for ME, and I know I have no interest whatsoever in dating or sharing this peacefulness yet. I don’t have the energy, and I know it. My energy goes to ME, first and foremost.
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