I’m struggling

I’m struggling

I’m going to tell everybody my story. It might be long but I’m going to tell every single detail I can remember. Please any help would be a massive help, I’m struggling coping day to day and I’m literally crying out for help so here goes:
At the time we got together were both 22/23, she’s 3 months older than me and we don’t have children.

September 24th 2015, Me and my now ex-girlfriend got together, It was my birthday the 18th October and she decided to book me and her a night away in an amazing hotel and we went out and had a good night etc. this was my first, what I classed as serious relationship.

The morning of the night before we woke up had had a shower and my phone was on the bed. I didn’t want to lose it or forget it so something I used to do was put my phone in my shoe so when I go to put my footwear on I wouldn’t ever forget it. She found my phone in the shoe covered up by our dry towel and accused me straight away of being unfaithful, obviously I wasn’t. I tried to reassure her and just said it would never happen again, she verbally assaulted me for the first time then making me out to be a piece of s**t, and I’m a very sensitive caring person anyway she knew this and it made me crave her even more for reasons I couldn’t explain.

Within the whole time we were together this verbal abuse carried on pretty much everyday.

About 1 month later I was in her room in her parents’ house, at the time I’d had a rough day in work and well, she wanted sex. I genuinely just wanted sleep I was not up for it whatsoever. As I’m lying on my back she screams “f**k off” whilst her arm hits me smack bang in the middle of my face.

This was the first of many times I was hit in the face, through the whole relationship she hit me scratched me or even bit my face when she got drunk or she wanted to argue, she made me delete my Facebook account my Twitter, every contact with friends and even some family members. She also didn’t want me wearing clothes I liked wearing. We went out every week spending money we didn’t have.

This abuse carried on until Christmas, she wanted me to be with her and her family the whole of Christmas and I refused I said I should be with my family.
Boxing day I ended it. I was upset and angry with how I was being treated and I told my family everything.

Now from the beginning of the relationship I had been under pressure for money and well, I’m not an angel, nobody is but I stole from my workplace, simply to please her and to try and show her love because I was desperate. Anyway I would’ve done absolutely anything to please her. At the end of January we got back together and the middle of February I had been found out by my employers and they reported me to the police. I had an interview with them and I received a caution. Up until April I went full no contact with my ex and then one day out of nowhere she sent me a personal little ‘OPB’ on a reg of a car – it stands for oh panda bug and that’s what I called her, my panda bug, (it was a cute thing we did) and it reeled me in.  We spoke and we met up and I went away behind my families back to stay with her in the city and we spoke about moving away to start a fresh.

We moved in May 2016 and things were actually perfect, for about 2 months – I had to do all the washing, the cleaning, the cooking, everything, she didn’t really ever help unless she wanted too. I think she was like this because I used to get home from work about 2 hours earlier than her and she hated it, she didn’t want me home alone. She’d accuse me of all sorts and it just upset me because she’d come home and I’d be dying to see her and speak to her and she would just put me down constantly and make me feel worthless.
To please her I got a job with the same hours as her and I didn’t like it. I had my suspicion she was speaking to a guy she worked with and she was. It was found out she cheated on me whilst I was on a course away and yeah that broke my heart it still does, I forgave her again. And that was in October – then one day she came into my work accusing me of fancying a girl I worked with when I didn’t even speak to this girl. So I walked out of work because the stress was too much. She said she was leaving me, I got back to our place and she was there, then we both moved in December 2016 and I was unemployed and she recently left her job so we were skint.

I was under pressure from the debt she accumulated for me and it got to January 25th and I ended it, I couldn’t take it no more…now I need help because I want to speak to her so much and my mind is dying if I can speak to people in messenger that would help. I can clear things up and give more details, but the thing is she shows every single sign a narcissist does. I just need advice and help so please I’m begging you help me.

13 thoughts on “I’m struggling

  1. You must go no contact. If not she will continue to manipulate you. It’s so very hard but it’s the only way you will be able to heal and put your life back together. It’s not impossible. Although your heart is breaking please remember these people have no desire to change. But only hurt the people who they can get to xx

  2. Hang in there and keep up the no contact. Block her number and any social media. Take any reminders of her and box them up. Try getting back in touch with people you have seen in awhile. Talk about what happened to you. You may be surprised by the support system you have around you. Stay strong, you can do this. hugs

  3. Do you want peace, joy and happiness for your life…if so as hard it may seem NO contact!!! I went through 27 years of marriage of some of the similar things, your self esteem and self worth are so robbed from you that they want that control over you. You are worth so much more then that! I finally had a marriage counselor come right and tell me that I was a glutton for punishment if I stayed with him…it was what I needed to hear and it’s been 6 years now. Having these last few years to erase the pain has been hard but God, family and friends has seen me through. She is wanting you just at her convience and you are the only one that can’t say enough is enough. Hey, I still love my ex but I love myself more to survive and to be a purpose for others that appreciate me..God Bless You!

  4. You appear to be describing a classic narcissist and likely NPD. I hope you read widely and very importantly often about NPD to continue to re-inforce to yourself that that is what she is. It helps you during all those times you feel you want to excuse her actions.

    NPD is a disorder. NPD has been extensively studied and is very well understood in the psychology world. NPD are reasonably common but at the extreme end are much more rare. You may very well have landed one of the rarer ones.

    NPD is a personality flaw. It allows her to be the nicest and sweetest person in the world and the most vicious, evil person in the world, both in the same body. The evil girlfriend is the real person. The evil girlfriend is the one you are in relationship with.
    The sweet girlfriend is a mask that the evil one wears. This is the girlfriend you are in love with, but, sadly, this person is fake so the girlfriend you fell in love with and are in love with DOES NOT EXIST.

    You have and will send yourself insane trying to find the girl you love. You will blame yourself but you mustn’t because the girl you love DOES NOT EXIST. The girl you are in love with DOES NOT EXIST. Remind yourself of this every day and more often if needed.

    My advice is,

    read everything and anything you can about NPD and don’t stop reading until she exists no more in your psyche,

    forgive yourself for having fallen in love with someone that doesn’t exist,

    forgive yourself for being the victim of a fraud. It is usually the nicest and most generous people who get sucked in. Don’t forget that,

    OK now the fun bit –
    keep a diary and record every awful, bizarre, hypocritical, evil, illogical etc thing she does and says. EVERYTHING. Review it often,

    Use this diary plus your reading in general and have a go at psychoanalyzing her on an ongoing basis. See if you can predict her behaviours, actions and words. NPD’s can be quite predictable once you start to view them as a psychology specimen and once you peel back all the huff and puff they are really rather sad and pathetic.

    Stop trying to understand why she is the way she is. You never will. You are incapable of truly comprehending how her mind is wired even though you may learn to predict her behaviours.

    Try to learn not to feel sorry for her. She has a personality disorder and as sad as that is, it is not your problem. And as nice a person as you are, you can’t fix her. If you keep trying to it will destroy you. Love yourself enough not to destroy yourself.

    By now hopefully you can see her for what she is and be able to let go. Without regret, without sympathy and with great relief. Like a pet cat that was once cute as a kitten but now scratches the crap out of you all the time, pisses on your clothes, attacks your family…… you pass it on to someone else and don’t look back.

    Good luck

    1. Great advice. Read everything you can. I’ve found that writing things down is a really useful tool. It gets it out of your head and onto paper. In time, you’ll read it back and you’ll realise the extent of the craziness of what she did to you and validate the reasons why you came to the decision to go no contact. It’s quite easy to gloss over some of the smaller details at the time because you become swamped by even bigger waves time and time again. Once you have them written down it gives a more complete picture over time. The ridiculousness of it all starts to fall into place and you wonder how on earth you could have been duped so badly. You question yourself continually. The hardest thing I’ve found is how to deal with family and friends who have chosen to believe the narcissist over me. They’ve taken her side. This is my mother I’m referring to, but it also involves my brother and one sister. I have now settled to understand that I can’t make others see the truth about how me and my family were treated – but in my heart I know that going no contact is the best thing I can do for me and my family. There comes a time when you just can’t keep being a battering ram. It’s been over 3 years now for me, and as the months pass I dwell less and less on the situation. There’ll be times when I’ll let my guard down to think about what I’ve lost, but then I switch my mindset to see what I’ve gained – peace of mind, sanity. I can be ‘me’ at last and not have to spend so much time, energy and effort pleasing someone who has ever only set out to divide her family and switch the blame to the scapegoats she’s so cleverly manipulated over the years. The guilt about going no contact with her being 85 yrs old still rises to the surface from time to time. But… as soon as I try to picture myself making contact with her, I get the physical reaction to the pit of my stomach that makes me realise that I’m far better off without her toxicity in my life. It took me until I was 58 yrs old to realise my mother was a narcissist, just after I realised my brother was a classic narcissist after he treated his second wife appallingly. Things fell into place for me once I started some counselling (about something completely different). The counsellor asked some interesting questions that had me thinking, “where’s she going with this?” and “why is she taking this angle?” I began reading and when you have that “ah ha” moment when you realise it’s not you with the issue, it’s them – it’s wonderful. Read all you can. Knowledge is power. Keep strong and get some good people around you.

      1. so great to read another story similar to mine. I am 61 and have dealt with mom who is 88 my entire life. Different boundaries at different points in my life. The most peaceful times were either no contact or i was thousands of miles away. we all have our stories. Recently went no contact again and will not respond unless its her caretaker calling or the hospital. yes that is my boundary and its peaceful. we only get one life be sure to live it. peace ✌ to all of you reading . one step at a time ❤

  5. Please, please, please love yourself. You sound like a really good guy. My son just ended a marriage with a narcissus. It was heartbreaking to watch how he was treated. I tried to talk to her a couple times and she never felt anything was wrong. The blame she placed on him was outrageous. Your girl will not change!!! You stay strong! Love yourself!

  6. It’s like withdrawing from a drug. They’ve got your mind twisted. It’s actually a self esteem thing too. The longer you’re away from her the better. Take one day at a time. It took me two years to finally heal from my abusive relationship. Do NOT get her pregnant!!!!

  7. dont contact her- move forward with your life. as you distance yourself from her and time passes you will look back and be relieved the nightmare is over. the only thing she wants is positive attention for hurting you. focus on yourself who you are and what you really want in your life- which is genuine love and not intentional inflection of harm.

  8. I can only echo what the other commenters have said: Stay no contact.

    Get back in touch with your family and friends. Tell them what you’ve told us here, repair those relationships, and lean on them when you feel the urge to get in contact with your ex.
    If you still find yourself struggling, get counselling to help you work things through.

    As the others have said, she will never – ever – change, and in fact would probably get worse. The verbal and physical abuse would continue, and probably escalate, and your ex would continue to manipulate you for her own ends. I’m sorry as I know this will hurt but…
    your ex doesn’t love you and never has. People like her have no love for anyone but themselves (if that) and your wellbeing – mentally or physically- means nothing to her. To her you are a walking wallet, a toy to abuse to make herself feel better, and a source of Narccisistic supply. And that is all you, or anyone else who gets involved in her life, will ever be.

    I’m so sorry you went through that hell. I wish you strength and all the good things life can offer – including someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Learn from this experience, and watch for the warning signs in future so that you can avoid being caught by another Narccisist.

  9. It hurts so much, I get it! I’ve been there with a narcissistic human. They keep pulling you back in, with their “I Promise Things Will Change”!! But your not the only person that’s going through it or has went through it. These people have no empathy or compassion towards anyone. It takes time, but this emotional hurt will subside slowly. It took me a long time. But once you let them go, you will be able to breath in life once again. Hang in there. Think of it as another emotion>> Happy, Excited, Sad, etc… Now jst add Hurt to it and Breeeeath! You Can Do This

  10. You will not listen to anyone it is within yourself to research traits on YouTube and Facebook pages Ann MaCree Greg Zuffato have done some excellent work check them out yes you are in an abusive relationship choice is yours your in love with a. Fake person whom you saw a glimmer of in her they are not real .. the straight forward answer is no contact run and do t stop for your own well being

  11. I’m in a similar situation as we speak and honestly… blocking or deleting or ignoring her calls will not help. I tried it and I broke. I’m trying myself to find a way to leave my situation but I’m lost as well. I can only say that if u truly want to get rid of her… Sometimes u have no choice but to give what she gave.
    I understand this is not u, but maybe this might help…

    Well… U need to get every single one of all her texts she sent u that shows her true narcissistic character. Then u make like a small booklet of sort. Make multiple copies and basically pass it out to those that r in her circle. Send a manila or a box of copies of the booklets and anonymously mail it to her job. Have them all packaged and with directions saying to disburse them accordingly to those in her department.
    Next… Do the same to those mutual friends u both share and family members of hers!
    Make sure u do a blast on social media of sort and ask kindly for the public post to go viral.
    Next… have someone do a narrative on YouTube exposing her narcissism and have little clips of pics of her and urself and small shots of those texts and sporadically have it be randomly uploaded as the narrator reads the booklet simultaneously.

    Once u have done all that… it has to be done within hours. No more than a day or so… Then u just wait till she makes contact which she will and once she does. Record it or viral it however possible and also after all is said and done tell her nicely…

    DO NOT CONTACT ME VIA TEXT, CALLS, EMAILS, SOCIAL MEDIA AND 3RD PARTIES EVER AGAIN. DO NOT EVER COUNTER REACT TO MY WAYS OF EXPOSING U BC IF U DO I WILL TAKE U TO SMALL CLAIMS COURT AND SUE U AND I WILL LITERALLY MAKE U PAY FOR THE DEBT U GOT ME INTO. AND THEN I WILL PUT A RESTRAINING ORDER.

    U cannot be sued by her for this if she decides to claim defamation. Bc defamation is when someone is being accused and there character and image is being tainted without any tangible evidence.

    U have tons of evidence and that my friend will not only be like a game of chess… “CHECK”! But no u have also “CHECKMATE” her narcissistic ass and u r now the fat lady that sings last loudly!

    Good Luck!
    Kika

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