Underneath The Mask of a Narcissist

Underneath The Mask of a Narcissist

1.  Is a person who will never hold themselves accountable for anything untoward.  They will shift the blame onto others and never take responsibility for their bad behaviour.  Their failures are always someone else’s fault.  Never let someone blame you for a mistake you didn’t make.

2.  Is a person who manipulates others into behaving and thinking as they deem fit.  They cause chaos where once there was none, and pit people against each other.  They will twist words, sometimes a hint of truth brewed with lies and stirred well.

3.  Is a person who will try to isolate you from your friends and your family.  They don’t want anyone else to be the focus of your attention.  They want you all to themselves, without a support network.  By causing rifts in friendships and family, when the relationship crumbles,  who will you turn to?  In their minds they know that you will think twice about leaving if your friends and family are long gone.

4.  Is a control freak…  Someone who wants everything on their terms, no matter what the cost.  It’s their way or the highway.  Their point of view is and must be correct.  They are ruthless, often cruel in achieving their goals.

5.  Is someone who lacks empathy.  Underneath the fake exterior lies a heart as cold as ice.  They are unabYou'll see them for who they arele or refuse to put themselves in another’s shoes.  They don’t care if they hurt you, their children, their parents, anyone, as long as they don’t get hurt themselves.  If someone gets hurt, that’s ok, they deserved it.

6.  Is someone who wants to keep you financially dependent on them.  If you don’t have money or an income, how can you leave?

7.  Is someone who is a pathological liar.  They are convincing and accomplished liars making up lies faster than you can question them.

8.  Is a high flyer..  Someone who will make sure they get to the top and doesn’t care who they trample on to get there.  They will lie, deceive, backstab, exploit and fake their own achievements to get the desired result.  If you happen to be in the way of their goals, don’t be surprised if your character is assassinated or you are blamed for things you did not do.

9.  Is a vindictive bully.  Someone who will gossip, lie and slander their target without mercy.

10. Is someone with low self esteem.  Despite what they often portray, someone who is full of self-confidence, this is someone  who is extremely jealous of your popularity.  They will take on your mannerisms to become just like you while destroying your reputation in the process.

11.  Is someone who appears to be very charismatic when you meet them initially.  The longer you know a narcissist, the less likely you are to be fooled by that false persona.

12.  Is someone who has promised you the world but fails to deliver.  Their promises mean nothing.  They will promise anything to ensure their demands are met.  Once they achieve what they set out to achieve, they will deny ever having made them.

13.  Is someone who fears abandonment.  By doing so, they will reject first to put themselves in control of the situation.

14.  Is someone who will refuse to acknowledge your very existence as a result of some perceived slight in order to gain power and control.  The silent treatment is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse causing the target to doubt their self worth, often described as mental murder.

15.  Is someone who lacks self control.  A narcissist will  often overreact and display uncontrollable rage not unlike childish tantrums one would expect to see from a five year old child.  Their rage may be fuelled by something as little as a contrary view point.

16.  Is someone who needs to be admired… Their puffed up self-image needs feeding.  A narcissist needs admiration and attention like a drug addict needs supply.

17.  Is someone who will push you to your limits to get a reaction.  When you react they will try to make you appear out of control and they play the victim card.

18.  Is some one who believes that the rules don’t apply to them.  They are risk takers believing that they are above the law and won’t get caught.

19.  Is someone who is arrogant, thriving off the admiration of others.  They will flaunt their wealth, their accomplishments, real or imagined, in order to boost their fragile ego.

20.  Is someone who is lacking in morality yet will be the first to judge the moral standards of others.

21.  Is someone who will never be satisfied.  They will become bored and want more.  The perfect, wife, husband, children, house…. None of it will ever be enough.

22.  Is someone who is highly reactive to the slightest form of criticism.

23.  Is someone who projects onto others behaviours that they can’t or won’t accept in themselves.  A narcissist has a strong desire to conceal their weaknesses and  not face up to their own inadequacies.

24.  Is someone who may apologise but unless there is something in it for them, the apology is just empty words which means nothing.

25.  Is someone who may promise to change their behaviour which is basically changing who they are, their very personality…  The question must be… Is that possible?

A true narcissist will put a tremendous amount of effort into the creation of an effigy,  which when viewed by others signifies something wholesomely good,  a beacon to draw attention.  In reality this closely resembles the moth to the flame.

Written by Anne McCrea

163 thoughts on “Underneath The Mask of a Narcissist

  1. Absolutely the best description I have heard yet. Low life’s who ARE nothing, never will be, and try to strip you of ALL that you are !!!

    1. My goodness this is absolutely the greatest description of these monsters. They are horrible, they emotionally kill you, very slowly. Thank You.

      1. Exactly , my ex husband is a narcissist and after only ten years of marriage, I had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself. He totally depleted me of everything and was hospitalized for a week. He told everyone lies as to what happened. So much better off alone now.

          1. I agree I think I married that same man also. When I ran to another state. He took EVERYTHING from me including my children! Now I’m back here picking up the broken pieces and facing his horrible ways…Will he ever stop ??

          2. He will when HE is outed as the true Narcissist he is.
            Sadly, he’s twisted his game to him being the victim instead of you. He has your innocent children. Are they his or yours?
            You’ve given him just what he wants. Please if you can’t see him for who he truly is. There has to be those that do. Call Child services and get them involved. Get those children away from him. Do you have family, trusting friends. Any support group willing to help you. I know there are many out there. Find one, contact them tell them you are seeking help for your children, for yourself.
            God bless. May you soon have peace in your life and your children safe from his destruction.

          3. Mine did the same…. only he was the one who went to another state and took the kids. I don’t think it ever stops…. as they don’t change. However…YOU are the one that changes… at first I was scared to death and jumped through the hoops….went after the dangled carrot…again and again…. then I got to the point (where the stress almost gave me a heart attack) and my father stepped in and said “let go…let God….anndnd just do you. Truth always wins out. I learned patience and didn’t let him ‘get to me’ anymore… my children see him for what he is….anndnd as they say to me… thus is just where we live….home is ALWAYS with you. And as soon as they could…they got as far away from him as possible. Have faith Anon… though it’s difficult…. things do get a little easier.

        1. I have been married to a man that fits all of these to the T for 9/years. He is vicious, and lies,lies, lies, he filed for divorce but continues to contact my family and friends in order to create gossip, lies, twisted truths, and turn everyone against me. He is without feeling for anyone and everything. He image means everything, and will do anything to keep it. He was making me feel crazy and question myself on what is true and not true. He would make up stories as truth and try and get me to believe it. He will do anything to get his way and what he wants. He will destroy anyone including family, friends, me, neighbors, acquaintances, with lies and deception, manipulation, and what ever it takes to destroy them. No feelings or remorse, no empathy. He believes everyone deserves his twisted schemes.

          1. Sounds identical to my EX. He is pure evil! I am 50 and have never known someone so sadistic in my lifetime. He duped me for sure with his love and adoration. These days and for many years he’s treated means the kids like his worst enemy. He put us in harms way countless times and methodically broke each one of us emotionally. I told him that he is going to have to answer to GOD since he thinks he’s above the law. Took me 21 yrs a lot of being discarded and going back forth but this time I said “no more” and got the hell out. I will never ever go back! Unfortunately his damage is done but I lived through it and so did the kids and life will go on. He will be alone , sickly and miserable and that’s my greatest hope!!

        2. I too had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself, spent 4 days in hospital. On med’s seeing a psychiatrist and therapist.
          With the support of my family and friends I remembered who I was and that I was loved and special. My eyes are wide open and I am working on loving myself

        3. Unfortunately I’ve had a narcissist send this to me to try and accuse me of narcissism. #7, 9, 17 and 23 hit the nail on the head for me! I’ve never felt so dreadful, he was constantly telling me that nobody liked me because of varying faults of my own. He whittled down my self esteem, and isolated me. He even managed to twist a situation where I was crying when I fell out with a friend, into me being obsessed with my image – because why else would I care about that relationship? Talk about lack of empathy and projection! Like how twisted do you have to be to come to that conclusion? Absolutely shocking. It’s great to see such accurate descriptions to help us identify Narcissists. They can gaslight by projecting themselves on to you, and this information may another weapon in their arsenal, but we’ve got this info too. To think I was questioning my reality after being manipulated and told I was a horrible person over an over again! I have a new understanding of what was really going on now. Even when I finally ended things, he used this as proof that I had no emotions or ability to empathise with others. Crikey. No wonder he got angry at me when I was worried about my sister being hospitalised? He lacked the ability to understand why I cared! My preoccupation with my family was an irritation and and inconvenience to him. This all makes sense now.
          Good read, these are all the things he accused me of, and reading through them I can clearly see now that it describes him.

        4. Mine too. I am free now after 32 years of marriage. He still shows his narcissism whenever he can. He’s with another narcissist now. It’s almost funny to watch. She is definitely the “boss of him” so far. Cracks me up and hurts me at the same time. He pulls his abusive behavior out with any and all contact. It’s horrible.

          I’m still reeling from all he has done and continues to do. Some days are worse than others.

      2. I cant believe I just found this site now. I have lived this nightmare for 7 years of marriage and only now starting to go through the hell of a divorce. This describes him exactly! I thought I was losing my mind and had a breakdown trying to deal with this, now I know Ill be better alone. They have a way of twisting things around that you really start to doubt yourself. Everything described above is exactly him!

    2. The way you empower yourself against this kind of behavior is understand it’s a spiritual battle not a fleshly battle. You have to gain knowledge of how to pray and bind that spirit! You war not against a personal but a spirit! It can be done. It’s a Jezabel spirit!
      You can research Jezabel spirit, all spirits for that matter! Even the best people can be attacked by many types of spirits! Spirit of fear, intimidation, anxiety, jealousy, lying spirit, perverse spirit,spirit of haughtiness, whoredom,heaviness(depression),infirmity, deaf spirit, bondage, addiction, antichrist, Error, and spirit of Death.

      There is a really good book you can get that will help you know how to recognize each spirit, what to pray and what scriptures to stand on.

      Book: Strongman’s His Name….What’s His Game?
      By: Drs Jerry & Carol Robeson

      Call a your local Deliverence ministry. Call a healing room ministry. Call a SOZO ministry near by. Get equipped! Get understanding! This person was created for good and to do good but the enemy came in either from their own doing or thru some trama they experienced.

      Bless you all

          1. Mine teaches a men’s bible study at church and asks them to pray for me because “I” have issues causing strife in our home! He knows the bible well but cannot apply it. I want out Soooo bad but God hates divorce?

          2. This is true…now they use their new beliefs to imagine themselves even better than before!!!!! Now they are twice, or more, better than the rest of us!!!

          3. Debbie you dont have to divorce. Just go and find yourself again and live the one life we have been granted to be shared or alone.

      1. We are divorced now, but I knew about 6 months after we were married that his behaviors were not normal. We lasted 7 years and I still wanted to stay and get help from this awful demonic hold it had on him. Its been 2 years since the divorce was finalized and I still pray for him to be set free. No one can love him or will pray for him like I can and do. He became paranoid about money and afraid me or anyone would have any of it. It was very sad to see and very painful to walk through.

        1. I am experiencing the same thing. I am.now going through a divorce now. It is a horrible experience. How awful it must be for them to live such a twisted life. They need deliverance, that only God could do. A true miracle.

          1. im going through the same situation. The moment I spoke the words of deliverance and repent, my wife, screamed and ran outside screaming rape. Minutes later, I heard sirens, she came back inside the house and told me she called the local police department and said I tried to kill her. She plays the role of the victim very well.

      2. Tammy, thank you for your confirmation if what I have thought all along about my husband’s narcissistic disorder, and thank you for your suggestions. He stays completely clear of healing ministries, I believe because the disturb his oppressor.

      3. I agree. Jezebel spirit. It needs a Jehu to oppose. I have prayed for this many years. It has taken me a long time to forgive. I have released him to God and pray blessings over him. I pray that my experience and healing will help many people.

      4. Thanks for your information very interested ,i was feel very down an helpless,then i read your reply. Interesting way to look at the situation im in. Thanks for name of book im off to see if i can get one
        Love light & hugs
        Xxx

      5. I can fully testify that spiritual ministry does no better than psychological therapy. Please don’t be fooled that it will work. My husband of 20+ years went through spiritual deliverance ministry, pastoral counseling, and met with a licensed counselor over the period of 2 years. He also had a mentor and the oversight of elders from a church. He fooled them all and returned to his old ways as soon as he was free of their influence. As he said, after another decade of me receiving his abuse, “That stuff didn’t work.” That may have been his only true statement in our decades together. Their minds are not right and they do not get better in any way that makes them able to live in real love and honesty with anyone. Run while you can and have you sanity. I almost didn’t make it.

      6. Amen !!! this is what I have to keep remembering.. not to say that they are totally innocent. They now when they are doing wrong and when they are doing right. I have seen him know the difference, they don’t care.. only the blood of Jesus will deliver them. No amount of love that we give will change them.

      7. This is the best way to describe my husband. I do believe it’s spiritual. So hard to see sometimes. I’ve turned to my church elders for prayer and comfort. Thankfully my daughter is. Dry string and sees him for who he is. I’m in process of filing court docs to get him out of my house. I pray it works.

      8. i have the same issue as most all of you in these posts be it with my Kids Father and even in my own Kids. I am a True Believer in Prayer but i also must say since i discovered Parental Alienation Syndrome i realize that in my situation at least, Faith without Works is Dead. People Please research PAS. I do believe our nation and world is becoming more and more narcissistic. any of us could loose any reunification with our children if we sit and not fight it! Your absolutely right its a spiritual war!!! However we are in Earthly skin right now and must fight the earthly wars too unless we want to see it rule the earth. i for one am guilty of raising a narcissist. i spoiled my oldest, sent her on visits to friends whenever i had to move or go in for surgery. i hated punishing her cause it breaks my heart to see my kids sad. little did i know what i was teaching my daughter. i had my A** beat as a child and what its taught me was Respect, Accountability, Responsibility, Honesty, Self Respect, & Respect for others (Not Just my Elders). many of our kids have become spoiled Bratts who has made everything and everyone disposable. Now some of these kids have grown up as well a they wreak their havoc in Divorce and Family Courts. Please research PAS for more insight as well, it just might help us all!!!

    3. I have a daughter who is this way the description FITS her to the letter Lives to see just who she can destroy . Doesnt take responsibilty for her actions .

      1. I can relate Judith. My daughter is the same, problem is there are children involved. It’s a very sad, messed up situation!

          1. We have a daughter described in the points of a narcissistic personality. She believes we need counseling, the sad and hurtful part is she has four children our grandchildren we are not allowed to see.

      2. I recognize my daughter in 17 of the 25 points. It’s been a rough almost 4 years and I don’t see it changing. I saw this on FB and it helps me: “If someone treats you like crap, just remember that there’s something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other human being.”

        1. My daughter has cut me out of her life completely and it hurts. She is taking sides with her father after our 20-year marriage has dissolved and ended in a divorce.

          1. The same thing happened to my dear husband! His ex turned two of the three children completely against him. They didn’t even bother to see him while he was dying of ALS. Nor did they bother to come to funeral. She’s a classic narc. Wow. Thank you for this site!

    4. My experience was exactly the same, 25 year relationship with a man that just sucked me dry, and when I tried to change the dynamic in our marriage, did everything he could to destroy me mentally, while telling lies and blaming me. I’m so glad a friend sent this to me. They are master manipulators!!

    5. My abuser is my 33 yr. old son. I happened upon the Facebook page about it, and until then, truly didn’t know how to “label” what his problem is. He has been like this for a very long time. I am, right now, in the process of distancing myself from him – AGAIN. I need him out of my life before he kills me. How such a sweet little kid became the monster he has become. Of course, to HIM, it is all MY fault because I held him accountable for stuff he did and had to play “tough love” with him, when he was about 19, because he kept stealing from me, using me and lying constantly to me. He LAUGHS about it, today, like it was funny. Sick. He is also an alcoholic and drug addict now.

      1. I’m sorry that happened – now you have avenues to educate yourself about this and ways to heal. You aren’t alone. Nancy

    6. Well what a coincidence. I’ve just witnessed a rage, tantrum or whatever you want to call it because I did not answer my husband’s question in the tone of voice he thought it should be answered. He’s had the ‘poor little me’ crying bit and now we are on the ‘silent treatment’ – not that I want to talk to him, but it’s with his ‘injured air’ as I am wrong AGAIN. At least he was only holding a new toilet roll when he threw it at me, could have been something much harder though over the years I have learned to duck. I’ve just printed the article out and put it on the table for him to read at some stage. I have a ‘run’ strategy set up as advised by doctors and counsellors but now he knows that other people know of his violent abuse he is more careful with his physical actions. He moved into MY home with all MY things and MY family and I’ll be d***** if I am going to let him have everything now. We have been married for 27 years but it is only in the last two years, after I ended up in hospital, that I realised exactly what has happened during that time. Fortunately I am a strong individual and have kept my family safe and comparatively unaware of his behaviour until the last two years. I would love to live without him in my life but he does not deserve to have the rewards of my hard work, not even half of them that the law says he is entitled to. Unfortunately I made his life very easy so he has not really had to do anything much and he has personally not used his talents to make a better life for himself or anyone else. He totally discarded his first family and I let him because I believed his ‘sob’ story not realising that he was onto a better deal using me and my family. I think I could write a book on everything I missed and did not pick up on. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

    7. I have suffered a great loss where family is concerned. I will never understand how your own flesh and blood can become such monsters; lying on you ,disrespecting you and turning family against each other all because they can’t stand who you are. But when the chips are down,they call you for help. How am I supposed to deal with that when they have put me through so much heart ache and pain.Imagine your own daughter sleeping with your soon to be husband,and all the twisted lies. It’s been years but my stomach is still sick.

    1. I agree. Same with me. I am so glad to be rid of him. Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, reborn and free.

  2. This is my mother if you dare to cross her she will strip you bare and use every tactic. In the book to turn people against you. Playing the victim is always her trump card and then tells others what a loving mother she us by masking the truth. I have no doubts that her trump card is to turn my sons against me with this illusion of being the concern mother for me the hurtful daughter… I found out mine is keeping a file of all my emails letters for her funeral so that the family can read and see how awful I been to her..REALLY !!!!
    Obviously hiding all the years of her provocation. All I have asked is she change her destructive hurtful behaviour to me and others and reminded her of how she is not this Saint she portrays she’s to everyone . Normal would be nice !!!!
    On a good note I’m no intact at last and am happier for it… But as we all know it’s never over with a narcissist !

    1. My daughter accuses me of being the narcissist, but she’s the one that has that behavior. She accuses me of the behaviors she displays. I have tried to be close to her, but it just doesn’t work out. I’m better off without her.

    2. I can really relate to your story. Blessings to you. May God shine the light of the Holy Spirit into your situation.

  3. Yes, I do relate.

    Stripped of everything, I find myself alone and looking into the abyss of starting my life over again.

    Better now than later. But oh so scary and lonely out here on the skinny branches.

    Sophie

    1. Hang in there Sophie, you can do it. I was married to one for almost 13 years, stripped me of my own children (she wasn’t their mother) and my dignity. She eventually got violent with me and I had a heart attack and almost died. Friends and family kept telling me I would be better off without her. It took a while but it is true and will be for you too.

    2. What you describe Sophie is something I went through last year and am so grateful I am now able to see what the narcisstist in my life did to me. While I loyally was trying to work hard to save my marriage, he turned everyone he could against me, made me feel all our problems were my fault, and made me feel paranoid, guilty and bad about myself. I felt so isolated too. But don’t let it happen to you. What CW above said is absolutely true. “If someone treats you like crap, just remember that there’s something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other human being.”

    3. My daughter has cut me out of her life completely and it hurts. She is taking sides with her father after our 20-year marriage has dissolved and ended in a divorce.

    4. Hey Sophie…I encourage you to stay busy and not let your mind wonder to much…if you are able to do exercise then do…. it does wonders for your soul. Good luck ,keep focus ,and take care.

    5. Hey Sophie, I had a similar thing happen to me 10 years ago. I lost absolutely everything to a narcissist and his brutal abuse. I think what happened for me to begin to heal was that I became angry and made a decision that I would never let him destroy my future as he had done for my past. I told myself over and over, that karma would destroy him one day, it wasn’t up to me! I got a way as far as I could from where he was and found myself a place where I was free to choose to rebuild my life from scratch. I used my experience with him (black spider I call him these days) as an opportunity to reinvent my life. I went for a job that I was not qualified for but that I knew was my passion and I pushed and pushed myself to get the qualifications I needed to further my career. I went on to become a social worker in a field which assists victims of people like black spider. Now my life experience of dealing with a narcissist, in fact several narcissists in my life, has been helpful to many other women and children. Promise yourself that you will not give up! Move into a space within you that tells you that you are a winner, you are empowered to do whatever you wish to do and to become whoever you wish to be into your future! It is your choice, he cannot destroy your future unless you let the memory of his brutality and abuse keep pulling you down! Unless you tell yourself over, that it was your fault that you were so stupid to have let him into your life to destroy it! Tell yourself this: it is as it is! I did what I did! and yes it was foolish but I will learn from my experiences and I will move forward from here and reinvent myself. I spent three years with a psychologist working on my own mind and heart and emotional state in order to protect myself from falling into the same trap again and choosing another narcissist as a partner. At one stage I had a narcissist boss and it was amazing how much I realised through that 3 year period, that I had learned so much about my own strength and ability to stand up against her, just because I had worked so hard on myself. I couldn’t change her, neither can anyone change a narcissist! I could however change myself and the way that I responded to the abuse and bullying and lies and deceit and manipulation, that came with being under the power of a narcissist. You can do this Sophie, take aim at your own weaknesses and work on them, that’s where your power lies to fight against the narcissist and the carnage they leave behind in their wake!

      1. AMEN!!! LOVE WHAT YOU JUST SAID!!! STILL TRYING TO ARRIVE THIER BUT STRIVING TO BE A VICTOR AS WELL!! BRAVO FOR YOUR TRIUMPH OVER ADVERSITY AND HATE. I APPLAUD YOU! And thank you for your truthful words.

  4. I am the same as Sophie after 9 years of mental torture ,so very hard to leave him,so very hard to now know that he is a Narcissist and their is no hope,before knowing I had hope now none. Kathleen.

    1. Me too. 22 years, what a shame and thank god I know what I do of Axis 2 disorders – why, I’d be responding to him as though he was telling the truth, lol!!! Did that for years! Throw in sadism for good measure….bye Felicia…

  5. My best weapon and indeed salvation is this kind of information. Educating myself has given me strength and some weight has been lifted.
    Cold hard fact: I can’t fix him… I have to care for myself.

  6. I was starting to doubt my own sanity. Constantly asking myself “how can it be?”Is it possible that I am this terribly selfish,horrible person that I am told I am? I left for the last time 12/24/2015. The fog has started to lift and I have access to information. I did not know there were people out there with this disorder. I thought I was losing my mind. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your hope.

    1. I got tired being told I was not a woman after 20yr of being a faithful wife
      Cheated on my whole marriage Turing my own family against
      Saying I was nothing everyone knows what you like you need help
      20yrs I’ve taken 20yrs living alone really paying for home
      Myself debts of years if I even ask for money I get
      Silent treatement how dare I ask for what’s his
      False promise of hoildays days out every weekend
      If we didn’t do it was my fault I am told to pay my own
      Bills rent everything
      He works away he needs his money he earns
      He isolated me from every friend I’ve made over years
      He tell his friends about my abused past and say she got issues
      My wife he’d say am your not my wife your no women to me
      I finally see now it’s not me with false dreams hopes it’s him
      I feel I will never get over the mental abuse I have suffered from
      Him and my family all these 20yrs he tells me it’s my own fault
      His that way it’s down to me
      I moan am rubbish in bed I don’t dress sexy or these things will stay with me for a very long time in life
      He went out his way to turn people against I always looked the mad one
      I’ve finally left now I don’t care if I lose my home
      But I not lose my kids or mind anymore
      No empathy 20yrs years I thought it was my past
      Cause that’s what he said it was for cheating all these years
      I feel used guilty unloved from a child but meet someone fall in love
      Be their rock all time thinking things change their change it never does
      You will always be wrong it will always be your fault and they
      Let you live with this emotional pain with no worry
      Of what their done to you mentally as a person
      I feel my life from a child as been abuse abuse
      He seen me coming 20yrs ago and now I’ve been dumped like nothing
      But this time I never go back
      And all cause I told him not talk to another woman on internet
      My life will not be controlled anymore
      This will take me 20yrs get over the fact I was so blind
      Lost my self worth and confident how be a woman
      Stay strong cause the fun only starting

      1. While this was difficult for me to follow,I got the “jist” of it,and it seems like we lived the same life.
        I married a man who was just like my father-not on purpose,mind you. I once told him that he “picked up where my parents left off”. I so believed I was worthless,that I stayed with that man for 35 years!
        I finally realized I was loosing my soul-either I was gonna get out,or I was gonna die trying!
        It’s been 9 years since I left,and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

  7. I stayed far too long 23yrs and he has now since leaving alienated my Daughters from me. Not sure if they will ever see their Father for who he really is… Grief is an on going cycle… I am happy to be free, yet morn the loss of my girls. Praying one day they will see I’m not crazy like he painted me out to be. My girls are all now going through what I went through.. Anti depressants and shaking feeling… I know all too well the hell they are in and I have no option but to wait till they want out too!

    1. hi, it must be hard for u that ur girls were alienated from u. But I can tell u this. I know a man whose ex wife did the same. She told them many many lies daily to make them hate their father. So they were very angry to him, hated him, disrespected him, etc. Mother told them father is worthless, but he is their ATM machine for 28 years. He was compelled to give almost all of his income to them because they deserved his money but he didnt , according to mother and daugthers. Girls got enmeshed with mother, lived messy and full of drama lives. Problem here problems there, which every problem they have, they call their father and require him to solve because they claim its his faults. That live full of cyclones went on for years.. Father did everything, he got nothing but blaming and accusations from his own daugthers. Now that they are both married , life showed to them what reality is, that their mother is a monster who had been trying to use them and treating them like properties. They got used to extort money from their father. Rercently she is trying her best to isolate one daugther from her husband so she can solely demand full of her future income. It might take sometime but truth cant be hidden forever.

    1. Yes, not unusual to find a Narcissist with BPD it’s all on the same spectrum cluster B. I have come across this more than once and yes you must protect yourself.

  8. How is it that they all–male and female–fit the exact same pattern? I’ve been researching NPD for the two years since “my narc” was diagnosed. My awakening caused me to confront and that led to every possible hateful thing that could be done to me. Also, why don’t the courts understand about the lies and playing the victim. I got my financial future destroyed because the judge believed all of the lies. How do we get the courts to understand who the real victim is?????

    1. I agree. I finally got out of the relationship with my ex now 8 years gone. But our daughter has now suffered through it. For years I Couldn’t prove anything until this year. Child protective services involved, police(whom he called on our 10 year old daughter while he was in a rampage) and my daughter’s counselor. She hasn’t seen him in a month. He will only have supervised visits until he is done with 26 weeks of counseling. She’s angry and doesn’t want to see him. She is realizing how bad it was and she is not protecting him anymore because of her fear. I feel bad that I am not there to protect her but it’s one step at a time. We’ve gotten this far. The courts are terrible about something not tangible. You can’t see emotions. You can’t see the damage done or any bruises. I know how I have felt all these years so I can only imagine how she does. At least we can start to rebuild

      1. How did you get supervised visitations??? How did you get the courts to understand what the child was going through???
        My daughter and granddaughter and grandson going through same exact situation…and court case continues…
        Praying continuously…
        The ex…ignores the stipulation and does whatever he wants and blames my daughter for everything, and twists the truth, and plays the victim!!!
        Too much to bear!!!!

  9. 20 yrs and now starting divorce, makes me sad tho, but I can’t fix her , God knows I tried, truly loved her but years of abuse I can’t take anymore, now she is nice sometimes and I feeling sucked in again, but in a moment changes to vicious, now I stay defensive all the time which makes her mad and it’s easier for me that way to continue with divorce, that way I see the real her and not the fake her

    1. I’m in the same boat. Almost 21 years. Told him I wanted out. He percided to blam everyone else but him self. Now he is being so sweet and is just creepy.

      1. The narc just wants their way..they can be a chameleon to get it. Was married to a man almost 30 yrs. who tormented me emotionally, psychologically and then attacked me. Thru the grace of God my son and I got out and are happy. It is now 2 1/2 yrs. later. Thru God I lead a group at my house once a month for others who need to vent, cry, learn, and move forward….supporting each other. My now ex tried the “nice” card on me, too. He wanted to have all the control over us, our joint assets, etc. I am so much stronger now. Thank God for His marvelous provision. You cannot make someone change…unless they want to change. These guys don’t see a problem with their behavior. I guarantee you my ex thinks he was a good husband. I was a very loving, hardworking wife and friend…and he sucked eighty percent of life out of my personality. Very little of me left when I got out. Don’t stay . Plan, stash some money, take what you can when he is out of the house, it is half yours,
        and go….and don’t look back. Don’t answer his calls, don’t talk to him at all. You can be happy again. Bless you all!

  10. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of having what I thought was a friend, you just described her like you knew her personally

    1. Yes same for me. My ex friend and ex boss successfully manipulated me and had me doubt myself. This description is so accurate and explains a lot of the emotional and physical torment that I have endured. Always doubting myself, feeling inadequate, financially destroyed, emotionally destroyed, diagnosed with depression etc etc. Thank you for the explanation Anne and to everyone for their stories. It’s not all me after all. I am now on the path to healing. Education and knowledge is empowerment. These people are very dangerous.
      Thanks everyone.

  11. Is it possible for someone to call you a Narsasist and constantly accuse you of having ALL the mental issues, and NEVER taking responsibility in helping to cause some of my misery. Could he a Narsasist and trying to put it all on me

    1. Yes absolutely, everything he is he puts onto me,tells people I’m a lier and cheater,that I’m mentally unbalanced and incapable of love,of course this is all that he is,they will never admit to any of it,in their eyes they are perfect,you are the one with problems because you dare to reject them.Hold your head up high,you know the truth,and people who care about you also know the truth.

    2. Look up malignant narcissist, everything they have they project on you. Keeps your head spinning. Blaming yourself, creating self doubt and feelings of worthless.

  12. You have described a narcissist to perfection! And in my opinion the best trick they have in their book is to set u up by talking behind ur back if u dare challenge anything they have said.I didn’t realize my whole family was circling my wagon until I was a much older adult. I come from a background where women did not voice their opinion or join in a conversation. However after my dad had a stroke my mother made a great deal of money. All of my brothers and men of her relations put her on the throne! She turned my sons against me also.And they all worshiped her. What’s odd is that my oldest brother was the best at it and turned it back on her when she was elderly. That was quite a show to watch. Her trying to get control back and him standing there not engaging.

  13. I live this exact nightmare every single day!,, and I can’t figure out how to leave?, like I’m stuck miserable?, I’m so tired of being put down only for her comfort!, acuses me of using her?, for what?, I pay for everything!, so tired of being married alone! I so want my life back!,

      1. I lived with mine for a month and that was enough for me. Started acting totally different and flat out lying. When I confronted him he never got belligerent or nasty but I knew he was planning to cause some emotional damage. Needless to say, I put him out on the spot and he was stunned and caught off guard. Of course, he blames for everything and asked why I didn’t stop him from leaving. Really? I’m sure he has already found another victim. Cut them off!!!! Don’t help him with tormenting you emotionally. They don’t care about you or what they do to you.

  14. I too was under the power of a narcissist . My ex husband of ten years was so bad I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital for a week. When I came home he blamed me for everything . I’m so much happier now, I’d rather live alone than in the situation I was in.

  15. My late mother was a narcissist, and used to call me ” maladjusted” when I disagreed with her, or reacted in the way any teenager might when trying to cope with the physical abuse meted out on me by my father. She set me up to repeat what she had said about him. He never laid a finger on her, but I lived in fear that he would eventually kill me. She read an e mail that I had sent to a long lost cousin in which I described her as an inadequate mother, and angrily demanded to know why I had said this. My reply was that she had failed to protect me from his violence – she said that she ” didn’t know, and would take it to her grave “. She had come in one day to find my father sitting astride my back, banging my head on the concrete floor. Did she apologise for her failings? Did she hell! She was a pathological liar, yet brought me up to believe that she was so very honest. My counsellor said that she brainwashed me, and I now know that this is correct. My parents were not fit to have children – apparently I was a wanted child, though goodness only knows for what. Contraception had been invented in their day, so they had no excuse. I am now 63 years old and it is only for the past 10 years or so that I realise that it’s actually alright to be me.

  16. My ex- is this. She loves to destroy. For anyone with an ex-like this the easiest way to communicate about serious items is to do them by email.

  17. This is so my late husbands mother. 30 years and he passed away and in just learning of this disorder and I literally lived 94this my whole marriage. Oldest son/child was turned against me. She tried to turn the other two against me. Tried to turn my step sister/ childhood bestfriend against me by fb friend request which she didn’t accept as well as the sister in law doing the same. Others have sent friend request just to be spies for her. I helped her when she’s been in the hospital and taken her to the hospital even. Had a physical confrontation with her many years ago and never received an apology. Tried to get my husband to have an affair so I would leave him so he could be with this other woman who worked at her restaurant. One of her last deals was telling me She had thought about giving my husband up for adoption when she had him in hopes that I would tell him..then of course he would have questioned her and then be told I was lying and that would have causes a problem for us. I lived that man so much and would have never done such and therefore never told him. He went to his grave never knowing of that conversation..I really couldn’t believe she stooped so low as to do that one. Wow the things I am learning and realizing. Is it a normal thing to actually forget things until you are reminded of them because I have and then told yes you knew but have foegotten? MIL turned many against me for no reason.

    1. Sounds like my grandmother. She tried her best to yurn my mother, her daughter, against me. In some ways she succeeded. My grandmother passed 5 years ago. It’s sad that I was actually relieved and never ince cried of ger passing. She put me through so much hell being a manipulative liar. I was always nervous around her because she was so unpredictable. One thung she hated about me was my light skin. Because she couldn’t change that, she resorted to nakibg my life a living hell. One thing that I have promised myself was to never treat another that way. If anyone treats me like that I get far away.

  18. so very true, esp. “They cause chaos where once there was none, and pit people against each other. They will twist words, sometimes a hint of truth brewed with lies and stirred well.”

  19. I also know one of these people, after years of abuse I’m free again! But I had a price to pay. I worked very hard to raise my children, owned a nice house, owned my own business, was very involved in the community. Then I met Jeff, love at first sight… He started calling me, charming man. Over the next 7 years he is everything you described. I’m out now. What a horrible way to live. He has been gone for 6 months, my life is good. Recovering from the chaos . Now he’s stocking me! I am ignoring all attempts. Wish me success, and I wish you the same.

  20. All dead-on except #6, The reverse is true. They will sponge off you and financially drain you which is why they become masters in all the other points. Once you can longer “do for them” they move to their next victim. They will, however, keep a short tether while waiting for your financial rebound. My advice – – cut all ties and end all communication.

    1. I don’t even know where to begin. I am middle aged and was in a relationship for five years with a man who found fault with my family because they did not like his past. I followed him and moved out of state and I was financially supporting him. His philosophy was that it did not matter who the breadwinner was because we were a couple. It wasn’t until the rage began when a bill was paid late and he would tell me that I needed to take care of our situation before I helped anyone else meaning my adult children. The vulgarity that came out of his mouth at times is indescribable. We had a few break ups and I was always the blame. When I started to question what I believed were lies he would become and enraged and said that he was not going to live under my suspicions. Two months ago he threw me out once again and I am trying to figure out how to put the pieces of my life back together. I sit and wonder what part of the relationship was real and what wasn’t. He had numerous marriages and had me convinced that he was the victim. He shows no empathy for anyone who has problems. Outsiders would tell me that I was slowly brainwashed throughout the relationship. I became co-dependent on him and I can’t understand how I did not see this. I am educated and was always independent. My family and friends believe I am a victim of emotional abuse. Before I left I told him that he needed professional help and that I thought he was a sociopath. Of course that did not go too well. It is still difficult for me to cut all communication with him but my instincts tell me that he has already moved onto the next woman. My brain tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. I honestly don’t know what I would do if he were to call and beg for forgiveness. How long does it take to heal and move forward? Why am I still second-guessing myself? Can anyone else relate to this that has just come out of a relationship like this? I already know that I probably need to get some counseling for myself. So confused.

      1. I am 3 months out of an 8 year relationship. Financially she took every penny I made. I always put her first. No matter how much I did it was not enough. I would talk with friends about my frustrations with her and there were numerous break ups. I loved her so I would have done anything to make it work. it got to the point my friends didn’t want to hear it anymore. she jumbled my life so much that people stayed away from me at a personal level. This is what they set out to do. Isolate you but will say that you are doing it to them when she was always free to do whatever she wanted. I never asked questions about what she was doing I just took her word for it. Now I am finding out many heart wrenching stories. That make sense now. while you are going threw it a lot of things don’t make sense but if your like me you give the spouse the benefit of the doubt. very very difficult if you love them as much as I loved and still love her. Stay strong each day you are closer to being free. It does take time. thank God for all the support I had.

  21. even now she is trying to suck me back in. and the court system will usually believe what they tell because the abuser believes it to be the truth so they are that much more convincing. Hard to say to a judge that another person is a sociopath and have them take you serious. It is a very large web they weave. God is the only way I have made it!

  22. Left last year after 15+ years of marriage. It was the best decision I have ever made. It was no coincidence that I married a narcissist, my dad was a classic narcissist. The healing is ongoing but belief in myself and a family that was so happy to have me back in their lives, I am growing and unlearning what he taught me.

  23. This was my father, which I figured out early in life. You learn their tells, and their subversive maneuvers. It gave me a wealth of knowledge that has aided me tremendously over the years. I’ve met people during my lifetime that I was quickly able to I.D. as ….whatever this affliction is called. Knowing what you’re dealing with is the first hurdle. I worked for a company owned by this personality type, and I can only describe the environment there as dysfunctional and toxic. Like attracts like, and because they’re so emotionally empty, they don’t understand normal human interactions/emotions/feelings. The one thing that has consistently been my savior is truth. I speak the truth to them. No emotion, no feeling…just facts. They can’t change truth. They can lie, they can distort, they can manipulate, but truth is truth. And they hate it. Because they work from a dark, chaotic place, truth and clarity become like a light shining on all their deceptions. It frustrates them and keeps me focused. I think it’s fantastic that this information is out there for mentally healthy people to arm themselves with knowledge. At this point, there is no known treatment, so they can’t be fixed or helped. I for one have trouble thinking of someone that has only negative emotions as human. They have no capacity for love, empathy, sympathy, compassion… However, they have an abundance of rage, envy, hate, ego… Give them a wide berth as soon as you realize what you’re dealing with before getting sucked into their hell.

  24. I lived with one for almost 25years to keep the family together & then I left,by which time he had totally destroyed my self esteem. It is now nearly 30years that I have been on my own,but I still feel that he destroyed me. People like that are so cruel.

    1. My fiancé fits this on EVERY single topic. It’s very eye opening.
      I just wish it gave some insight on how to deal with them at the end of the relationship.
      He literally ended our relationship over the phone on Friday while I was at work. When I got home, he demanded the engagement ring and when I wouldn’t give it to him he tried to force it off and my eye hit the coffee table. It was swollen but didn’t bruise. However, I did have bruises on my finger and hand where he was trying to force the ring off my hand.
      4 days later, he sat me down to say that he was very concerned that I hit my eye and when he didn’t see it bruises the next day he thought I must’ve either a: intentionally hit my own eye on the table or b: fabricated the whole story. He continued on to talk about his box full of trophy a for taking down 200-300lb grown men in martial arts, so if he would’ve hurt me it would’ve been very obvious.
      Right after he told me that, he informed me that he filed an eviction notice on me. (4 days after we broke up). Who does that stuff? Who even thinks that way? Of course, he had no choice but to “protect his interest” since he saw me gardening after the breakup. He thought I was in denial. Even though I lugged at loads of boxes into the garage while he sat and watched me the same morning he filed.
      Did I mention that I signed the lease too? He went behind my back in January and had me removed from the lease.
      Control! Control! Control!!
      Any suggestions?

      1. walk away and dont look back. talk through a lawyer and not with them.
        the best thing i ever did was stop all contact with my mother. even with her hold on me had months of guilt, but with the support of my husband and children i realised my life is easier and far far happier. i just could not deal with it any more. also to those of you who want to know how to cope with them. you are kiding your selfs . there is no changing them no copeing with them. i tried limited contact it does not work. they can not change it is impossible. they will continue to lie isolate you and control every aspect of your life till the day they die. my mother is 85 and she has not changed one tiny bit.
        get out and stay out !

      2. Please get some legal advice. If your name is not on the lease you dont have to pay him anything. Please move out and take all your possessions with you and go no contact. A man who loves you would never treat you this way. No one deserves to be treated like this. Hes a pathetic loser. You can do it. Be strong.

  25. Wow! This is right on the money! I have just recently left a 29 year marriage the last 10 years where really bad. the last 2 years I have been fighting stage 2 cancer drs appointments weekly blood work, radiation treatment,and k e m o. Not once has he asked how treatment went or even went to a drs appointment. He has got in my head so deep that I lost it.. I was on heavy meds, puking my guts up, he never got up to see if I was OK. he Made me think I was nuts.. why I hung on the past 10 years I guess things would get better.. never did only got worse…

  26. This is the best written article I have read on this topic.I left a narcissist one year ago,after a 5 year relationship. I knew after a few weeks something wasn’t right with him,but believed stupidly,that I was the one to help him heal from all the past hurts he had suffered.He lied,cheated throughout our relationship, but I never had any proof,and when I fired up I was unstable and moody,convincing nursing friends I needed to be on medication, but despite their trying to convince me of this,I knew it wasn’t me.I lost close friends because he convinced me they weren’t good for our relationship, he even caused a rift between my daughter and I,for quite some time, but his influence wasn’t strong enough to stop our love for each other.After being beaten down for so long,I finally stood my ground and got him out of my house,I’d tried countless times before,but this time was different, as bad as it sounds I decided I’d rather not be here than continue with this nightmare .I didn’t have any idea what was actually wrong with him until not so long ago after coming across articles such as these.Just having a name for it,and not feeling alone helps so much with the healing.I work in the same organization as him,which makes life difficult, but I ignore him completely, he hates it ,hes tried a various ways to have contact,playing the victim card,but I ignore it all,keep my head up high.While he continues with his destructive behavior with numerous other women,I’ve taken time out from life to heal and breathe again,to find the happiness I deserve and he’ll never know!During the nightmare,and that’s what it felt like,I often thought he was my karma,for all the wrong I’d done in my life,this is my punishment, no one deserves this,no matter what!

  27. This is completely SPOT ON! I’m 22 yrs into a hellish marriage . I have experienced a nervous breakdown twice, attempted suicide, an accidental overdose of anxiety and sleeping meds, a steep decline in physical health. This is the short list . My children have all three been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, addiction issues, personality disorders. I never realized that these “MONSTERS” existed and lived to suck the soul out of their victims . I suffered horrible childhood abuse and the scars from that aren’t even comparable to what my so called “partner” has caused. I won’t live long enough to get over the shameless fear , sorrow and agony . I lost my home , my vehicle, cherished personal items ( that he discarded) , access to my bank account , etc. These devlish people belong “locked away” from society . So many of their behaviors are criminal but go completely unpunished because they’re master manipulators and liars . I was arrested and jailed based on a fabricated story of how I physically assaulted my MARINE CORP VETERAN spouse . Handcuffs, mugshot, court appearance all things I had never experienced in my life. 45 years old and I never had a speeding ticket. Asked for a protection order that put me on the streets , couch surfing for 4 months . I’ve never been displaced . I’m a mom , a wife, a gramma, a schoolbus driver, what the hell is going on??? No one believes me when I tell them that he’s dangerous and destructive . He’s fake and two faced and it’s creepy. Infidelity is his middle name . Refuses to wear a wedding band. Threw away the one from our wedding day as well as the replacement band. Shows no empathy or compassion. Feels sorry for “himself” and that’s it!! Brings out a side of me that I can’t even describe. I woild have to write a novel in order to touch on every horrific experience. I too have left more than once and made him leave as well. After being called sluts and whores daily I fled to my daughters at which time we were stalked, subjected to false police reports, cursed and criticized and literally scared to death . When my children became his target I made a choice to return home and distance myself from them so he would leave them alone. Anyone who tried to help or support me became his prey. I live a lonely , pointless life where all I do is contemplate how to safely escape. If you see yourself in this situation “GET OUT” , quick. As much as you think they will change if you just “do better” it never happens. Your good will never be good enough. It’s not us it’s them! It’s a dance with the devil and I’m ready to change partners . Thanks for the article. So reaffirming , unfortunately . Much love to everyone going through it ….god help us

  28. Wow! This article is so right on. My so called best friend fits this description to a tee. We are not speaking at the moment. My daughter doesn’t want me to be her friend anymore. She never liked her. When she was down on her luck I moved in. Mistake. She was constantly putting me down to others. She had to be praised or complimented all the time. She lied to her benefit and alienated her family because they didn’t agree with her. She held tight to our friendship and was so controlling. I could go on and on. This went on for 2 years until One day I couldn’t take it anymore. I blew up on her. I watched her rant rave like a mad person. I apologized to her for losing my temper but knew something was coming. She demanded for me to get out immediately. She told her sister I hated her daughter. I took care of her. The lies came one after another. She tried and tries to destroy me. Well, she thought I’d be begging her to stay. I didnt. She thought I couldn’t find a place so quickly but I did. People tell me now what she said of me and they are glad I’m not staying there. I lost or thought I lost friends when I was with her. She demanded my time. But, they were there for me in the end. I think about her , more so her dog once in awhile. The dog and I bonded. It’s been 3 months now. I see the toxicity I was in. It wasnt healthy. I’m glad to be moving forward. Her grandchildren text me and I answer them. We never talk of her. Now that is good. I will not lie, I thought she was a true friend. I saw the narcissism in her behavior, made excuses for her, I even laughed about myself when she put me down to others in front of me. That was wrong. So people …this can be a friend too.

  29. I know a spiritual teacher just like this. He is very charismatic and very charming when you meet him. He sucks you in and makes you believe he has everything in life figured out. He is a narcissist of the worst kind because he plays on women’s (and men too) spiritual vulnerabilities. He has been married to his poor wife for over 30 years and in that time has had multiple affairs. He promises women he is very unhappy and makes plans and then cuts things off and turns everything around on them. There was even one woman who lived out of state and he would fly her to where he lived and they would look for apartments together. When she had everything packed up and ready he called the whole thing off. No empathy. Misogynistic and gleeful at emotionally destroying women. I caught him in so many lies just sitting in his classes witnessing this behavior. After a while they have no idea what they have lied about or not but they are masters at making you think it’s you who are crazy. They study you to morph into whatever they think you need them to be and then the manipulation starts. I am so glad they are the way they are with rejecting before they are rejected because then it makes it all the more easy to get away from them. Don’t walk, run.

  30. My beautiful and gentle only daughter has endured one of these monsters for over 20 years and suffered extreme mental anguish which she sought to relieve via the chemical route. The situation very near killed her. She is currently disengaging and working out things cautiously because of the children involved. Her husband fooled all of us for years and years and suppressed my daughter unbelievably. He was a masterful control freak and a cruel bombastic manipulator of a gentle girl who suffered in silence for far too long. His own family know he is this evil person because they have said so repeatedly behind his back but they will not confront him because of his ability to be cleverly vindictive. Interestingly, he is a twin and his twin brother is a well loved family member by just about everyone. The road to recovery for my daughter commenced when she joined a group set up to target narcissists and she now knows what she must do to recover from her twenty plus years of hell. It’s very very hard to go it alone and my advice is to go online, find an accessible group as my daughter did and there you will learn very quickly of the best option for you. The principle option universally promoted is the prepare to leave the marriage as these monsters are just not redeemable and you will destroy yourself even trying.

  31. I haven’t really read what this meant before, but it sure fits my husband. We’ve only been married for nine months but I’m fixing to get out of it. I packed some of my things and was going to leave him after just a few months, but we talked, and I changed my mind. I am so ready now. He keeps saying let’s wait until after this happens, or after this is over, etc, but no more. I don’t care if the church or whoever doesn’t like it, because I’m tired of it. No one knows him like I do, and he is such a hypocrite.

  32. Not sure if this is a website for women or men are just not inclined to respond, but this described my first wife to a T. The worst part is being portrayed as a horrible parent, and because of the sympathies of the court system when you go through a divorce, this is a perfect forum for them to play the victim, not take responsibility, on and on. The fallout was never really felt until I asked my second wife to marry me and literally had a near total breakdown, and that was 18 years after finally divorcing.

  33. He has me convinced it’s my fault. 2/3 of our mutual friends won’t even talk to me. I am alone now but I still cry because I am so lonely and so very tired of thinking I am the monster he paints me. I paid for his car, I paid for part of his second car, I worked 3 jobs to keep a roof over head and food on the table and the electricity on and the internet on. He played video games for months before I told him I would cut off the internet if he didn’t get a job. Even when finances were better we never could afford for me to pursue any of my dreams, teaching or otherwise. As soon as he had the money he felt he needed to afford everything he wanted he kicked me out of my house. Cut off all contact and convinced most mutual friends to do the same. And he blamed me for an accident he caused. “If this hadn’t happened. If you hadn’t betrayed me.” Is he a narcissist or am I the monster he told everyone I was?

    1. This I can relate to! Unfortunately I’ve had a narcissist send this to me to try and accuse me of narcissism. #7, 9, 17 and 23 hit the nail on the head for me! I’ve never felt so dreadful, he was constantly telling me that nobody liked me because I came across as arrogant. He whittled down my self esteem, and isolated me. He even managed to twist a situation where I was crying when I fell out with a friend, into me being obsessed with my image – because why else would I care about that relationship? Talk about lack of empathy and projection! Like how twisted do you have to be to come to that conclusion? Absolutely shocking. It’s great to see such accurate descriptions to help us identify Narcissists. Though they can gaslight by projecting themselves on to you, and this information may another weapon in their arsenal, we’ve got this info too. To think I was questioning my reality after being manipulated and told I was a horrible person over an over again! I have a new understanding of what was really going on now. Even when I finally ended things, he used this as proof that I had no emotions or ability to empathise with others. Crikey. No wonder he got angry at me when I was worried about my sister being hospitalised? He lacked the ability to understand why I cared! My preoccupation with my family was an irritation and and inconvenience to him. This all makes sense now.
      Good read, these are all the things he accused me of, and reading through them I can clearly see now that it describes him.

  34. I been living like this for 30+ yrs, an only recently found out this is a actual thing…I been told I was a nobody, I wasn’t good enough,pretty enough,smart enough, he’s alienated all my friends, he’s told his family an co workers awful things about me,cheated,lied…even tho I looked past all this, an am still good to him, he still looks at me with disgust, , now he is older an has had several near brushes with death, an I have sat with him thru it all, he still tells me I’m not good enough, it’s getting harder an harder to take care of him, he is getting meaner by the day, my own health is failing, but he still expects me to be his maid, but if I don’t work fast enough, or hard enough, then he reminds me of my 0 worth, I’ve seen days where he’s told our daughters things about me as a joke, I realize now that he wasn’t joking….a good example is once he was stopped for speeding, he took his ticket, didn’t say a word to the officer but I sat in fear for 2 days while he cussed that officer saying …the officer was wrong, an no good etc etc, he really believed he was right…..an he’s right about me not being worth much, but I kno now he’s the one that put me there….

  35. THIS IS WHAT MY DAUGHTER HAS GONE
    THRU FOR …… YEARS…….
    I THINK IT’S FINALLY OVER !!!!!!
    I HOPE AND PRAY THAT IT IS………..
    GOD!!!! PLEASE LET HIM STAY AWAY
    FROM HER FIR GOOD……
    SHE WENT OUT ON HER FIRST DATE, JUST
    LAST NIGHT!!!!!!! LETS HOPE AND PRAY……
    SHE WILL NEVER GO BAVK ……
    TO. HI . AGAIN………….
    GIVE HER THE POWER………..
    TO LET HIM GO……..
    I M PRAYING………
    VICKI…………………… A WORRIED MOM…………

    1. Mine was33 years, when I tried to tell my family they took pity on him! He took everything from me I’ve had to start again.but I never valued things ,it was family to be part of, having somewhere safe to live. He decided I was ruining his life! its hard because all the horrible things he did seem to be all flooding to the top,how I felt sorry for him: he never bought me any presents in all the time together, it was my fault cause he didn’t know what I liked! Chocolate , wine, plants, frogs, fairy music : but he never knew any thing ! when I was sick with whooping cough he made me feel that I had to apologise for waking him up at night! He had to get his sleep, he worked! I had five children to care for. Then I feel like a fool for putting up with his shit. He made me feel like I didn’t have a right to live! So I got a job, saved up and found a safe place for my self and my youngest son to live.but I feel s if he stole my life,he took my youth, fitness, looks . 🙁 my mother use to say that was just how thing were and I should be great full he was bothered with me,thanks for the article

  36. I went through all of this hell for 2 years and finally, after I caught him cheating on me, broke off contact completely for 5 years. Not so much as saw his shadow for five whole years. I never had “closure” so I always wondered the what if’s….what if I had done this, what if we had done that, etc. After 5 years I moved to a city where he had moved a few years prior, and stupid me, I contacted him. All I had heard from our mutual friends was, “he’s changed….he’s a lot calmer…etc” We started dating again. For 8 months, unbeknownst to me, little by little the signs kept creeping up. But I didn’t pay attention because to me, he DID “change’. He was charming, loving, compassionate, calm, the whole nine yards. Then, we had our FIRST major fight (which I take responsibility for starting) and he didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks. No response to calls, texts, letters, emails, nothing. After 4 weeks he finally talked to me, or should I say yelled at me, and told me that he would not be with someone who would treat him this way, how could he trust someone who would say the things I said, that I was lucky to even be talking to him right now, that he had to “think about things, but we can talk I guess” and totally strung me along. Finally, one day, after not feeding his ego and contacting him for a few days, he blew up on me via text and broke up with me. Again. Even though we were already broken up. But he had to have control. He had to end it, with a “I wish you the best, I really do…” It’s bullshit. They DON’T change. They just take longer to show their true colors the second time around. I’m devastated now at all the hopes and dreams I had for us both. I have to explain to my family that he pulled the same crap as before. I have to accept being alone again, after loving him all these years….it’s horrible. But I will not contact him. I will not allow him to think that his behavior is acceptable and I will not be pulled in again. This time, I’m hoping to make it longer than 5 years and make it forever.

  37. I have never met a narcissist until almost 2 years ago…..I was in need of a place to stay so I let him stay in my home…He did nothing except belittle me and destroy my home..It was horrible….it took me going into the hospital for 5 days for him to leave because he was afraid he had to take care of me when I got out….That is how selfish he was….He didn’t want to take care of anyone he wanted to be taken care of…It was the biggest blessing in my life when I came home from the hospital and came around my corner and his truck and camper were gone…..Now if I can get my own mental statis back it will be a miracle of its own. I am struggling with major trust issues from any man….He blamed me for everything! If I said anything he always said…..Yes you are the victim…..Poor you!!

  38. So I seem to fall victim to these people all the time? Guess that says something about me. But my last relationship even fooled my family and friends. So how can I recognize this behavior early in a relationship and stop it? I’ve read a lot but somehow I seemed to still get sucked it.

  39. This article fits my ex common law to a T. Everything mentioned in it is everything he’s done and said to me. Now I’ve left him and he’s taken our 9 month old daughter and won’t let me see her or go get her. He’s threatening me saying if i go anywhere near his house he will call the cops and have me removed. There is no court document between us saying he has custody or saying I do. But he has served me with papers for day to day parenting. He has all his friends and family fooled into believing that he’s this awesome human being. Mean while behind closed doors he’s been abusive towards me and my other kids from a previous relationship. How do I fight back against someone like this?? It’s heartbreaking not having my daughter with me when I’ve had her with me everyday since she was born. I know it’s all about control with him but I won’t let him control me anymore. I just pray everyday that I am reunited with my baby and that his friends and family finally see him for the evil monster he is

  40. My mother in law to a tea – my husband thinks the sun shines out of her – but it isn’t nice to meet a person like this – 29 years ago, with two sick parents and a new born baby she tried to have me put in a mental hosptial and tried to persuade my husband to let her adopt my baby. Later she realised the small business I had started was getting quite succesful, said she would help – which hubby thought was wonderful of her – she totally destroyed it for me and even used my busiess cards to give out running a party plan business of her own – which I knew nothing about until I started getting com;aints from peoe (Mine was a craft business but she used my name to sell battery operated junk!) Doesn’t seem to be able to share people and tried to turn my husband and daughter against me all my married life – has succeeded too. Plus if you try to tell people what these peope are really like they twist it so you are the one who is ‘mad’ and the nasty one!!!!!

  41. I am currently withdrawing from a toxic relationship. Male here and the GF fairly well covers everything said above. She could recover from her words in moments and I could be in shambles for days, unable to do anything but recharge my batteries. The last episode was a beat down for throwing her out of my house. I said, this has to stop or someone will get hurt. She said, “you want to hurt me”. I took tranquilizers as a shield. What she could previously do in a few moments, lasted about an hour and a half. I offered a shot gun, saying it would hurt less. The verbals continued. It was cold and calculated. Pain was inflicted with zero empathy, until I snapped. Fist through three pains of glass. Main artery, 3-4 tendons and the radial nerve damaged. She left me there. I was in bliss, drugged and my blood spilling quick. She did return. I have since asked why. No answer can be offered and I have heard no remorse. The only rational answer I can justify was to avoid accountability.

    The isolation, manipulation, leading to connecting with all I care about, to passive-aggressive triggering me. All so real. I have even owned up to choosing to participate in a conversation that I knew was going to turn badly. I am soul searching why I did this.

    The day it happened, I was to start my life dream of starting my own business. All my ducks were in a row. The business was based on the talent of my right hand. In 4-6 months it “may” work again. Since then, she has told me that she has experienced loss too.

    The danger is real

  42. Anyone dealing with the type of narcopath who will not stop targeting you? Covert attacks constantly. Their only goal is to crush you and take your children? They will stop at nothing and you live in terror and fear and heartbreak and anxiety. How do you survive this?

    1. I know this. It stops when they get the child. But he still will keep at it tho. Using the child as a pawn, child to a narc is an object to possess, like a toy to play with and not sharing this toy. A toy to use to control and get to the other parent, even still blaming the other parent, even how grazy and irrational it is, narc still thinks its your fault if something is ”wrong” with the child!. This is the narcist parent. They are MAD. And so dangerous!

  43. My Mother was a textbook case of a narcissist. I was never allowed to be smarter than, prettier than, more talented than, funnier than, etc etc. She hurt me all my life & seemed to enjoy it. I got made fun of, knobby knees, broad shoulders, green eyed greedy gut, were just a few. She wasn’t happy unless I was unhappy. Funny thing is, I was the only girl with 3 brothers that my mother adored. Then because I didn’t know anything but put downs & hurt, I married a man that was worse to me than my mom. We divorced after 10 years & 2 kids. Here’s the real kicker, my oldest daughter, 53, does the same narcissistic bs to me too. I have been in therapy, going to start going again because she is to painful to be around. I am 70, & I am just so sick of being hurt my entire life. In spite of it all, I’m a really nice, kind. caring person. If nothing else, I learned how not to treat people…

  44. Married 42 yrs to a narcisst. he got worse when our business became successful. Attempted to destroy our family…and now his LIES and MANIPULATIONS ar catching up to him.

  45. My ex husband is a true narcissists, as well as his family. He lives on lying..to Judges, police, doctors, school personal…everybody! He went as far as getting me fired from my 20 year teaching career and had my school district in court to lie for him yet again and took our only son. Nine years of alienation and brainwashed our only son…..my prayer is for God to intervene and get my son out of this toxic environment.

  46. It’s been over a year now he has moved on I found out pretty much the 4 yrs we were together he never was just with me he had someone else she was married she left her husband and now he is with her never said he wasn’t happy with me or anything just left as if I never existed . I struggle every day with a broken heart never knowing how I’m going to feel no meds can’t help I have tried to get over him but I just can’t seem to move on with my life .

  47. This is my ex to a T! Im only now coming to understand this and trying hard to work through all of the problems it has caused for me and my children. My youngest doesnt talk to me as he is still under the influence of my ex.

  48. To all of you out there. I am a Narcissist.

    I am very successful and accomplished in my professional life. I have 2 beautiful houses. Brand new cars. A 62ft yacht and 3 different island villas. I have everything that most people think a person could need… and then some. But, I also have all of this and nobody to enjoy it with. I would gladly give away everything that I own, all my money, houses, cars, and everything else that has no “true” value. I would give it all away in a heart beat if I could become a normal person. If I could socialize in a normal way. If I could think like a normal human being. As it is right now, I often consider myself to not being human… I am a monster…

    I am a narcissist and I absolutely hate it more than you could ever imagine. I am 30 years old and have 0 real friends and recently lost my fiance. I have isolated myself from everybody I have ever known because I loath the kind of person I am. Much like many mental disorders, this is something that is beyond choice. Beyond control. I have been trying to “fix” myself for many many years and no matter how hard I try, I resort back to the same tendencies that I have always known. I have spoken to therapists and even tried medication. During my teen years and early 20’s I developed a drug habit with cocaine because when on it I would forget about who I actually was and found that I could socialize and communicate without relapsing to my narcissistic tendencies. This almost killed me. I almost killed myself. Along with drug dependency I also suffered (still suffer) from sever depression and anxiety because of it. I WANT TO CHANGE. I HAVE TRIED TO CHANGE. I CAN NOT CHANGE. However, I will never lose hope. I had one person in my life that saw me and loved me for who I was… the real me. My ex fiance never lost hope in me. She believed in me. She tried everything to show me the kind of man I could be. She would have given her life for me… and I left her and broke her heart. When I think about it, she is better off not having me in her life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and how amazing she is/was and how much she loved me. Not a day goes by that I don’t hate myself for how I made her feel sometimes. In all reality, I should just end it so that nobody has to deal with me anymore. I have hurt far more people then I could ever expect to be forgiven for. It is forgiveness that I do not believe that I deserve.

    So please, all of you. I understand that you may have been hurt by someone just like me and for that I apologize (sincerely). But please, understand that some of us want to change. Some of us pray to change. Most of us can not change.

  49. Truer words were never spoken
    I Am dealng with not one but two in my family. My husband and daughter. My daughter is worse, went through 2 bad relationships and now lives with us and i need to do something before i jump a bridge!

  50. I have suffered for 10 years with a malignant narcissist. I gave everything – money, love, patience, kindness, just tried really hard to love him and keep things going but he treated me terribly. I have been thinking about the word conscience and have broken it down to my own translation which is ” something other than science i.e soul. ” Therefore ‘without conscience’ means without soul?

  51. I was a young divorced mom and married this wonderful man. He adopted my child from my first marriage and forced us into having no contact with my first husband, we were not allowed to tell anybody that he was the biological father. One more child was born. After five years the affairs started, with that came the emotional abuse and finally the physical abuse. I stayed for 20 years, I left but he manipulated me into taking him back, I did. He started drinking, threatening us with guns, abusing us verbally and physically, not the child but me. All our assets and businesses was in my name. Then he made me to sign it all back to him leaving me with nothing. He then sued for divorce, immediately starting another affair, phoning me during the night telling me to honor him because he is telling the truth, that he is having a sexual relationship with a woman 16 years younger than me, and she has everything a man could ever want. Then sadly me mother passed away and in my time of mourning he came home, in the early hours of the morning and foolishly I took him back, just to be beaten like a dog two weeks later, he was arrested by the police for domestic violence, sober (a first in a long time) and alone, he must have or at least I think he started thinking about what he did and he committed suicide, with no goodbye letter to me or the children, just nothing. He finally broke me down to absolutely nothing, he made sure that I will never, ever recover from this, for the rest of my life I will feel as if I caused his death for finally taking care of myself and allow him to pay for the abuse. We, the family he left behind will never get over this and he won again. No need to say that he left me with NOTHING in his will. I almost at retirement age must start over and find a job. If your husband say he does not want you anymore, walk away DO NOT take him back, you will never have peace again if you do. I am now all alone, he told everybody (all my family and friends) that I never understood him and caused everything that was bad in our lives, he was the victim , always denying that he was at fault, but I was the best wife working to make him a success for 24 years and now . . . there is nothing left for me, I am alive but not living!!!

  52. So accurate it’s painful. It’s crazy how we focus on their traits and changing them even after the relationship is over. Once the toxins leave the body, it gets much easier to see who they really are. Thank you!

  53. This describes my son’s ex wife to a T. Oh the hell she put our family through. Thankfully, they are now divorced, but we got a wonderful grandson out of all the pain and suffering she caused us. I still have to deal with her a few times a month, but she and her narcissistic ways mean nothing to me and my family. She is not a second thought for any of us.

  54. My wife is almost every one of these in a big way. I was duped my entire marriage and I refused to believe that she was cheating and stealing and lying until my 12 year old son told me about all the men that came to pick her up while I was working and when she visited family during the holidays she would invite old friends and even my friends over for the night. My poor son thought he was doing the right thing until I had a breakdown and lost everything. He knew that my mental illness was caused by her lies and he told me everything which was only a small part of what really went on over a 20+ year marriage. Thankfully we are done now and she is finally moving on after years of trying to get her out of my life. My son and I are happier than we ever have been and just building our lives back from scratch. This article is bang on and hopefully it helps anyone who is about to waste years of their life with someone like this to recognize the indicators and get out now.

  55. I cannot believe I found this site. It has been eye opening and educational for me. I hope I can lead my parent, siblings and relatives here for a better understanding of what’s going on in our lives. I am blessed to have been raised in a very loving family. Now my family has been torn apart by the lies of just one of my siblings. This person has exhibited these traits their who life but until now has done harm to no one but them self. For the last year this person started spreading false accusations about the rest of us and even has our Mother believing these lies. The lies were told because that persons life was catching up with them and they were being confronted about the stealing and lying they had been doing. Now that person has hurt and split the whole family with their lies and false accusations. I have now seen two other loving siblings clam that they don’t have a fourth sibling any longer. Now they and their families blame me too because I knew before the rest of them about these lies but did not warn them even though I thought I had brought the lies to an end. What I didn’t understand is that my wife knew this person before we were married and understood the level of lies they would tell. My siblings families had no previous knowledge so they did not know who to believe and it hurt their families for a long time. Trust that had been built for years went out the window. I had known how deceptive this person was my whole life but had never realized what caused them to be this way. All I can do is say thank you for providing this information so that I can learn and maybe help to heal my families families. I was not going to rebuke these lies until I found out recently that they had been spread to our aunts, uncles, and cousins who we love dearly. I pray that it’s not to late to try and fix the pain and damage that my sibling has done. Thank you for helping me to decide to say something to try and stop this persons lies… Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  56. My son was involved with one for two and a half years.She was just using him…until someone “better” came along.But she was leading him with empty promises and lies.He truly loves her…still.It’s been 2 months since they stopped contact.He loves her and her little boys and they love him.She thought more of impressing strangers than she did spending time with him.She isn’t sorry.She does not care.I do not know how she sleeps at night or looks at herself in the mirror.She never loved my son even though she told him she did.She is a walking ,talking contradiction.She posts pics of her son and father at a local restaurant..the new boyfriend was probably there ,too.My son used to help her pay her bills…he wanted to..because he loves her..anyway a week after posting the restaurant pics..she had cooked a meal and posted a pic…said fast food was bad…did any woman cook…to give it up for her because she does it all…..get real.See just some of her bs.And she is full of herself.She thought nothing of meeting another man at the bar(my son was not allowed to go with her..one of many red flags)..dumping my son..no explanation other than the pics of her with this guy…that relationship didn’t last two weeks..found out the guy was on drugs…so my son was on the backburner..then back on.Now she has a boy toy he’s 22..she’s almost 35..or it may be a drunk from the bar..can’t keep a job…his drinking but his family has money..I wonder if some of these people can see her coming from a mile off..that’s what a friend told me.Oh and her “image ” is very important..her facade.I threatened to expose her,tell people how she used my son ,how she treated him…she did not like that.

  57. My mother clearly has this to the extreme… so I assume she has NPD and is also addicted to benzos and alcohol. My ‘mental’ life has been through torture for a good 40 years of it. I struggle with guilt all the time because she is ‘my mother’ but every single time I reunite with her; within a few months she is back to her dysfunctional me me me and the second you say something that doesn’t ‘comply’ the venom mouth/verbal diarrhea begins. My step-father has cheated all through their marriage, they split more times than I can count. Each time she comes to me to help her, the last time I moved her back to our city from up north, a year later she took him back again after he sued me in small claims court for $6000 for the balance of a ‘family’ loan that I owed. Fucking sued me! After she took him back, she then gets her lawyer to come after me for the same money. It’s a messed up situation that I feel I just cannot let into my life anymore. I am an only child which makes it even harder, no sibling to confer with and always me against ‘them’ scenarios. I am evil that I don’t want anything to do with her and she may die without me or my son in her life… trying to make yourself not feel bad for wanting to protect your own well-being and your son’s is difficult at times.
    As far as everyone’s post about being married to a narc… get out… get out, get away, far far away and never look back!

  58. So many people all feeling that they were weak, stupid or worthless because they chose and then stayed with a narcissist prompts me to characterise the personality type that narcissists home in on. Although they have no personal experience with any of these traits just like sociopaths they are expert observers of them – they have to be in order to efficiently mimic them when creating their own social persona. The list is by no means exhaustive but here goes.
    – low self esteem ( often linked to previous emotional trauma)
    – humility
    – kindness
    – empathy
    – a willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt aka non-judgemental
    – loyalty
    – forgiving
    – possessing a strong personal moral code ( applied to their own actions but not used to judge others)
    – hard workers
    – helpers
    – listeners
    – self improvers
    – big hearts
    – sharers , charitable with both time and possessions
    That is why you were targeted. You were noticeably very good , nice people who would not react adversely when supposed “flaws” in your character were pointed out by a trusted and loved individual but would actively seek to address them and be ‘better ‘ .
    Of course in the end it is precisely because you possessed all these traits that you had be brought down, in their broken mentality, but never forget that even these frigid observers recognised those wonderful characteristics in you.

  59. I do believe God is awesome and prayer works, but a person has to WANT to change. Your prayer may open the door for them to choose that, but no prayer is going to force it if it is not their will. This describes my ex 100% perfectly. And I prayed and cried out to God and bound spirits and all that and it just doesn’t make a difference because he has no desire to change. He would get mad at me and tell me to stop praying for him. Im glad I am gone. Yes we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood, but when that flesh and blood gives himself over to the enemy and has not interest in leaving there is not much anyone can do about it.

  60. My husband of 15 years has 22 if the 25 numbered above. Im exhausted and have no family in this state nor do I have any friends. My children are too young for me to leave the state and I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and fear for my kids and myself. Im so tired of the abuse, the screaming, lies and my world is crashing. Its just too much.

  61. I’m currently desperately seeking strength to find answers and to find myself before its to late. I’m physically and mentally unable to work so makes me the perfect supply. He is the type that dont tell or curse or hit me. But everything else he dose to the fullest . In 5 years I’ve gone from strong independent free spirited social butterfly with some manic bipolar issues to a mute drug addicted couch sleeping dependent anti-social just want it all to end blob of nothingness. In all my 37 years in never ever did a drug until I did it to try and have energy to keep up with my husband’s demands . It’s hard to reach out for help when all anyone’s gonna see is a drug addict. He knows this and supplies me with the money to buy it. I pray for the day he just leaves. But he won’t. He finds reasons to leave and the next day acts like nothing happened. The sexless affectionless ignoring mocking smirking chuckling evil cold jerk is enjoying every but of my suffering.

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