Narcissism

Narcissism

Turn it around and blame youWhat is it?

Possible causes of NPD.

Is recovery possible?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pattern of deviant behaviour which is abnormal and considered unacceptable by society in general.  People with NPD often come across as arrogant and conceited with a tendency to look down on others who they perceive as inferior.  A narcissist often displays a sense of entitlement demanding admiration and special treatment.  When they don’t receive such treatment, they may become impatient and angry.  Underneath the narcissist‘s outward portrayal of confidence and superiority, there are often deep seated insecurities and self loathing where they know that they don’t quite match up to that image of perfection.  As a result, they will not respond well to any perceived criticism and often react with rage.

Narcissists are renowned for having problematic relationships.  Their main focus is on themselves, their wants and their needs.  They are self centred and egotistical and like to be the focus of attention.  The needs of those around them are not really their concern.  The narcissist often appears to be charming to those who don’t really know them and by that I mean, those who don’t live with them, work with them or have known them for a relatively short period of time. The longer you know a narcissist, the more apparent their unacceptable behaviour becomes.  They will ignore, denigrate and slander others in order to boost their own position and boost their insatiable ego.




A very common trait of the narcissist is a complete lack of empathy.  They either cannot or will not put themselves in someone else’s shoes or try to understand someone else’s pain or distress.  They use people for their own ends, to get what they want, when they want with no regard for anyone else’s feelings or who gets hurt in the process.

Their envy speaks for itself.  They don’t like to see others who are more popular, doing better, making more money or being happier than they are themselves.  Their envy often results in a smear campaign where the narcissist will lie and gossip in an effort to destroy the other person’s reputation.

The Mayo Clinic (Nov, 2014) states that ‘Many experts use the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose mental conditions.  This manual is also used)by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerating your achievements and talents
Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
Requiring constant admiration
Having a sense of entitlement
Expecting special favours and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
Taking advantage of others to get what you want
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Being envious of others and believing others envy you
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner’

Diagnosis is by trained mental health professionals.

Possible causes of NPD.

It is not known what causes NPD. However there are many theories which include:

1. Over valuing as a child

2. A learned behaviour

3. Genetics

4. Abuse in childhood

The cause is most likely complex with the possibility of more than one factor being at the root of this disorder.

Is recovery possible?

For a narcissist to seek help, they need to see that the problems lie within themselves.
Unfortunately, narcissists rarely blame themselves when things go wrong. They do not hold themselves accountable and they will shift the blame onto others for the very things that they do themselves.
Many experts will say that a narcissist is most likely to seek help when they have hit rock bottom, perhaps when they have been abandoned by a long time partner or other family members.

This question appears to be open to debate. Pathological narcissism is a difficult disorder to treat. Recovery from NPD would be a lengthy process requiring the individual to remain in therapy for a considerable length of time.

Herein lies the difficulty….
Will a narcissist remain in therapy for as long as is required?
Will a narcissist acknowledge their therapist’s expertise?

I have known and read about narcissists in recovery over the short term. Some narcissists that I have spoken to will say that they have difficulty maintaining a change in their behaviour for considerable periods of time and tend to slip back into their old ways.

Some experts have gone out on a limb saying that they believe change is possible whilst others disagree believing long term change is extremely unlikely if not impossible.

Written by Anne McCrea

References:

Mayo Clinic Staff, (Nov 2014), Mayo Clinic: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, [Online], accessed Feb, 2016.

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#NPD




79 thoughts on “Narcissism

  1. This article was extremely helping.
    Im trying to recover from the worse
    heart break of my life over a man I now
    realize is a narcissist. How could
    something so wonderful turn so ugly?
    He is pain free and won’t even speak
    to me. He says I’m a lying physco
    bitch.

      1. Me too anonymous and he has sent me bankrupt yet apparently its all my own fault and he ended up with a house and our joint buisness

        1. you can get through it sherri but not alone you need help from anyone and everyone for support and you will go through things you never thought possible .the main thing no matter how hard is no contact . Even if you have to do it bit by bit at start at one thing at a time to block eventually you will do it . But don’t concentrate on him , for once in your life think about you . read all you can on narcissism 24/7youtube as a lot of good liisten .you eyes will be opened . don’t beat yourself up over it .and then seek self help for loving yourself and self worth . You have to deprogram your mind forget about your old self for she will never be no more after this experience and concentrate on clean slate rebuild a new healthier you . you will go through many emotions and I wont sugar coat it will be the hardest thing you ever done in your life but you have to do it for yourself .For if they can’t control you they will destroy you or both if you stay . They are in a lot of pain themselves ,but is a road they have to travel themselves you can’t help them . Only they can help themselves and sad they often don’t see they have a issue and until they do there wont be any peace for anyone . You have to keep in mind you will be grieving the person you thought that person was , not who they really are . You will have many loses embrace them let go of them and move on because this road is not going anywhere good as much as you would like to believe it . plan a escape don’t confront them tell them nothing or anyone it could get back to them just save your money and disappear out of the blue and let yourself heal before getting involved with anyone else . build you and know your worth

          1. I was married to one 23 years and what was said above describes 100percent what I went through. It is hard to recovery . It took professional help
            Carol and a male doctor asking me “do you really want to go back to that HELL?”

          2. I was married 23 years and what was said above describes what I went through, 100%. I had to seek counseling for recovery, and it takes a long time to recover from being married to someone like this. I’m thankful for my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ , my church , and counseling that is bringing healing….Amen

    1. I have been married over 6 years to a narciccist…I never realised until today. I have gone and still going thru this living hell.. His killing me slowly….how the heck am I still having feelings for this evil lieing nasty manipulative excuse for a man…I just thank God I have no kids involved…I survived all I been thru, including the beatings…thank God I found this site…it’s going to be my saviour xxxx

      1. Dear Sherri,
        Your husband may indeed be a narcissist, however I believe there is much more going on in your case. Beatings is not a stereo typical characteristic for narcissistic disorder. Perhaps it would be better for you to seek the help of a counsellor to facillitate a safe outcome for yourself and your husband.
        My thoughts are with you , all the best.

      2. Your saviour will only be you if you leave, now!! I say this cuz you don’t want to be stuck bringing a child into this world and watch them go through what you are dealing with, it’s hearbreaking. Break free now while you can. Trust me. Love yourself!

    2. Hi Gwen,
      My situation is identical to yours. My husband left me when my money ran oft and now won’t even speak to me. He is accusing me of being an abuser now, although just 2 months ago he thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
      I totally understand the heart break. I too thought we had a great marriage and now I’m the physco bitch. Even his friends of more than 40 years are baffled by his sudden hate of me.
      I am still in shock and am struggling to get through each day. How are you doing at this point? You are a couple months ahead of me…is it getting any easier?

    3. Unbelievable, but I also am going through the exact same thing. They love you, adore you, but when they are through with you you then become the scum of the earth. Then the pain from all the lies and stories they tell about you. I have gone through Triple Negative Breast Cancer and this pain is far worse.

    4. I have been suffering through the same heart break too. The first two years were the best, couldnt have asked for better. Then in the blink of an eye, his mask slipped and its been my worst nightmare. I haven’t brought myself to going no contact yet because my confidence and self esteem has been destroyed. I will not give up and know i deserve better and going to keep working on finally ridding myself of him for good.

  2. @Gwen, OMG I am going through the same thing at this moment. It is a very terrible pain that no one will understand unless they go through it. He has discarded me like I never meant anything in his life. But still hoovers to see if I still talk to him. For my sanity I have decided to ignore him. I am still trying to figure out what is going through my mind. I cry day and night, on my way to work or way back home. I can’t sit and talk to anyone because all I hear is the same thing. GET OVER HIM! IGNORE HIM, HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! I am tired of hearing the same words over and over again. How can someone do this? They profess their love and make you feel the queen in their heart and bam they just drop you like if you were just a used soda cup. WHY?? It is so hard! :'(

    1. Im going through the same thing now with my husband of 12 years. He recently walked out on me and my two kids saying he isn’t happy and other reasons that aren’t valid. He was such a perfect husband but unfortunately led two lives. His masks came off and he is a fraud, pathological liar, cheat, fake and a heartless man. I cry every day and have been since November last year. He has destroyed my soul! I can’t get over how someone can do this to their family. How can someone who professed they loved you so much be with someone else and show no remorse, guilt or empathy.

      1. My goodness, we are on the same track. My husband left November, and also married 12 years, together for total of 18. Your sentence “His masks came off and he is a fraud, pathological liar, cheat, fake and a heartless man” is a spot-on description of not only my husband, but I would suppose all narcissistic husbands.

        He chose to change my request for him to leave for a few days into a full-blown drama of being “displaced from MY home”, “thrown out”, etc., etc. and STILL WHINES ABOUT IT. As a narc will do, he changed everything around to suit his victimhood. It’s actually nauseating to listen to. I see a pathetic child every time this poor soul open his mouth.

        Smear campaigning . . . sigh. Of course never to my face, always behind my back, the tales of my beating him behind closed doors, having a borderline personality diagnosis, etc., etc. At first I was blown away, now I’m disgusted. Again, a pathetic child every time this poor soul opens his mouth.

        He chose to do the silent treatment to punish me, and after I worked through the agonizing, and I mean AGONIZING pain of being discarded and did rehabilitation at The Bridge to Recovery in Bowling Green, Kentucky, I finally realized what an astounding gift that pathetic child inadvertently gave me – NO CONTACT!! The healing started and when I say I can FEEL myself healing, I kid you not. I feel my SOUL again.

        No person can destroy your soul Ella. No one. Your soul is YOU, and you’re here telling some of your story so no one has destroyed you. He HURT you, but trust me, you are going to heal in time and you are going to be an amazing mom to your two children. Get into a 12-step program like co-dependents anonymous and share your story. There are so, so many others like us out there. You need and DESERVE the unconditional support you will find there.

        My poor soul is dating a look-alike to his first wife – after having told me he really wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t need me any more. Seriously. The poor soul has no remorse, guilt or empathy. His children, save for one, are a chaotic f***** up mess. God Bless them all – they have so much pain ahead as a result of the traumas they suffered at the hands of their TWO parents. I hope in time I’m remembered by the ones in turmoil as a positive step-mother, but I have no emotional investment in that outcome either.

        I cried tons in the beginning, but I cry very, very seldom anymore. I’m embracing my time of healing. You might benefit from giving yourself pampering time – even if it means locking the bathroom door and having a quiet bath with a book. You’re recovering from the realization that your “perfect husband” was anything but. That takes time friend. Be gentle with YOU.

        Best wishes.

        1. Beautiful recovery advice, Ronnie. It’s a difficult recovery because when the true narcissist comes out, your reality is shattered, and it’s hard to come to grips with the fact that the person you loved never really exisisted. If we can realize that, however, we can begin the healing. What we’re really mourning is the loss of what never was. Truth can be difficult to accept, but truth is where saftey and reality is, so bravely press into truth: the personality we loved never really existed, and we’re blessed to have found truth, even though harsh, and been set free from the lie.

        2. Reading your post Ronnie also helped me greatly. It helped me to see that I am not crazy and the narcissistic in my life is real. Going through a seperation after 8 yrs together in which he cut off any wages I had. He got the house and joint buisness and I ended up with nothing. I am willing to take some blame in our rshhip breakdown but it takes two. He says everything that happened is my own fault and completely blameless. Yet I am stupid as I still have feelings for him ? Why ??How can I stop feeling this way. It has been over 18 months, I have moved interstate, dated other people and now decided to stay single till I work myself out. I know I need to heal and put myself first but I just don’t know how ? I feel used,manipulated, embarrased, angry and worthless but I know I am not. Thankyou for encouraging victims to take healing time and being gentle on themselves. No one understands me but I feel you do. I cannot thankyou enough. Kind regards,
          Digby77

      2. you used many of the same descriptive words i used with my man. I was married to him and his Jekyl and Hyde personality came out so within months i left him. Years later I let him back into MY home for a 2nd chance as we were both co-dependents. After 12 yrs of fake happiness turned misery his Hyde personality came out all over again. He is sociopathic / narc– very cute, sexy , charming, but can turn on his woman like she is dirt quite suddenly- ususally because he has another woman on the hook and is tired of the one he has. This time I was too old to deal with his shannigans and cruelty and another cheating episode so i threw him out again- yes again. He was 12 yrs younger then me..my self-esteem is lower but my sanity is most important for what yrs i have left. I won’t contact him even if i was dying. I will survive and move on- hopefully not to another narc/socio.

    2. It’s so hard when your loved ones can’t understand, but that’s just it, they can’t because they have not experienced it. Your doing the right thing by having no contact, this is vital to your healing. Please understand you have done nothing wrong. The narc cannot recognise they have done anything wrong as they cannot feel emotions like normal people. For you the love and happiness you felt was real, so be happy you know your heart can love. However for the narc it was all a game and nothing was real, all lies manufactured by them to control you. Hard I know I too have been on the receiving end and know the devastation only too well. But we are still alive right? It’s now up to us to take back control of our lives. We have a choice we can remain a victim or we can become a survivor. It hard I know but he has already done his worse to us and we survived. For me knowledge is power so I have studied narcissism and psychopathy disorders to try understand this tornadoe that had passed threw my life. It helped me to know its a disease they have and they can never truely know real love. But we can, our pain is proof of that and in time our hearts will heal and if we choose we can learn to love again. In the meantime take all the time you need to grieve, be good to yourself and remind yourself you a a beautiful, kind, compassionate human and they are the monsters who live amongst us. Sending light and love to all our hurt xx

    3. “A” your paragraph describes me pretty much. I don’t cry as much , but just wonder how they can make you feel like “the woman of their dreams” (which was a beautiful card I received ) and then drop you like a ” hot potato” as you said. I have read so much on this NPD, and have come to realize (although they are responsible for their actions) it’s not really them, if that makes any sense. I would truly like for my soon-to-be ex to get help. Most of what I have read the chances of a therapist/Doctor of any kind breaking through this is possible but rare. That is very sad for me to think about for anyone, it has defined their life and will continue to if nothing changes. I knew nothing about a Narcissist , but since I have learned I realized the things I kept telling him were spot on. One thing that stands out the most is, I told him I didn’t think he had the ability to truly feel love. It just seemed to be going through the motions. I wrote more than I intended to, but you got me started. Lol.

      1. Same. I don’t cry as much as I used to. But what a scary and soul draining roller coaster ride to go on with these people. I believe my abuser ( Matija Turkalj) is a sociopath/narc. It took him just a few short months to make my life hell. I’m at the point now where I battle PSTD on a regular basis . It was the classic story. We met and pursued me enthusiastically . When we did start going out he acted as if I was the best thing that had every happened to him and he’s always tell me how glad he was that I was now in his life. Out of nowhere he went bats shit crazy on me. He through me out of his life without and explanation or anything of the life. But the he would drive past my work for months everyday knowing that I could see him drive by. But he’d act like had never known me. Once in a while he’s come by my work and say mean things. It makes you wonder what could ever make a person behave like this !http://matijaturkaljabusexperience.blogspot.com

    4. I didn’t realize he was a narcissist until last 7 months. 3 years have passed since we started. I’d say 7 months of the 3 years were good. I’m sickened by him, I know in my heart he is the problem. It amazes me how every thing he is and does yo me. Projects back to me. 3 divorces and after the 3rd. And dating for 4 1/2 yrs finds me. He was a womanizer from the start and still is. I have finally called him out and realized he is a chronic liar!!! But wait I’m the liar, hypocrite, cheater, cunt, pig, not compassionate and treat him like shit. That’s just a small dose of his complaints about me. He actually had the audacity to tell me if I treated him like treats me. We would be happy forever. I’m dying within myself., my soul is gone. I can’t talk to only one friend because of the humiliation that I have any form of communication with him. As you stated I need to just walk away, I’m getting better but still struggling. HELP!

  3. These aren’t narcissists so stop making excuses. They’re arseholes. Selfish, unthinking arseholes. NOT the same.

    1. I think this describes 98% of the male species. But what does one do when it’s you adult child that’s the narcissist? This person says things about me, that seems to be what she would see if looking in a mirror, but verbally it’s all me at fault and she’s the abused one. Totally opposite of the truth!

  4. I’m stuck in Hell….always an argument, never satisfied. I want…no, NEED to leave. But I can’t. I have no one to talk to, nowhere to leave to. I refuse to make friends anymore- he has a habit of cheating on me with them! Plus, how fair that I should have to leave the house and belongings that I paid for? Not him, ME?!?! It’s like pulling teeth to get him to pay a utility bill….God forbid he has to spend on anything but HIS wants, HIS “needs.” He flies off the handle, resulting in holes in the walls, doors ripped off the hinges, appliances, electronics being smashed or broken….but he doesn’t HAVE to leave- I’ve tried! I’ve told him to get out, called the police- they just say “It’s a civil matter- y’all are married. We can’t force him to leave permanently. We can have him leave until tomorrow as a cool-down period, but can’t stop him from coming back. But YOU can leave if you choose to- he can’t stop you from leaving.” WTF?!?! And yes, he HAS stopped me from leaving- took my keys once for 2 days, took the computer chip out from under my dash, rendering my car useless. And the police can’t (or WON’T) do ANYTHING about it. I’m stuck. Seriously, honestly, nowhere to turn, STUCK. All I have is a part-time job due to health issues, and the money I make I HAVE to pay bills with and buy necessities, with nothing left. He abuses me emotionally and mentally, but never physically- at least not since I knocked his ass out with a family pack of frozen chicken…..I’m constantly told how worthless, fat, ugly, disgusting, stupid, retarded, and nasty I am (the nasty comes from me refusing to clean up after him and his rants and raves, tearing shit up!!) and how he sees WHY my biological parents put me up for adoption. How it’s pretty bad when my own parents didn’t want me. I try my damnedest to hide how bad his words hurt me, but sometimes I can’t hide my tears. And I think the tears fuel his rage. What I don’t understand is why nobody EVER tries to help me- we’re surrounded by neighbors, but not ONCE has ANYONE ever tried to intervene. Or even come to check on my welfare when he leaves in a fit. Like, how can people just stand by and not even give a shit whether a person is hurt, injured, or even God forbid DEAD by the hands of the person who is SUPPOSED to love them???? Lately all I can do is pray. Pray to God to just go ahead and take me. To let me go ahead and die rather than stay alive and deal with the way my husband treats me another day.
    **NO WORRIES- I WOULD NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE….I WOULDN’T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION!!**
    I’m sorry- I don’t mean to come across as “poor pitiful me”- I just honestly have not ONE person I can talk to. No one I can trust to just let it all out to. Every single person I have EVER confided in has betrayed my trust by going back and telling him everything I said. Which, in turn, just made MY situation 20x worse. I have no family either. Like I said, I’m stuck. In HELL.

    1. Dee, can you find a local abuse shelter or group for resources? They can provide help you cant get from police. They usually have legal resources as well. My heart breaks for you.

    2. I am adopted & have been told the exact same thing by my narcissist husband. He has told me time after time that I am so bad that my own parents didn’t want me. I can not believe something as mean and cruel as that would ever come out of someone else’s mouth. I am sorry for the heart ache you are going thru & would be more than happy to listen any time you felt like talking. You can email me at kelleypettie67@gmail.com if you would ever like.

  5. I never thought I could feel so low in my life. One day I was minding my own business and the next this man named Matija Turkalj had come along demanding that I had to be part of his life. He made me feel special and I thought I was lucky to have him. Then without warning he started to belittle me and take away myself worth. He blamed me for all that was happening and even tried to convince me he never wanted to be in a relationship with me ( as if he had no clue that he had asked me out and been the one to pursue me). Then out of nowhere he threw me out of his life as if I was a useless start bucks cup that needed to be disposed of. When he wasn’t driving around my work trying to make himself be seen then he was coming into my place of work saying mean things to me. I will never get over how this man treated me. I hope other victims have the strength to hang in there. I know it’s not easy http://matijaturkaljabusexperience.blogspot.com

  6. I have been in a relationship with a narssist for 4 long years, he has slowly chipped away at my soul, has been manipulative, he has a clever way at turning his bad behaviours, and making me look like I have the problems. He is rarely accountable for his behaviour and will use others to benefit and gain for his own needs. Too many sorry’s, his words mean nothing, no actions to back it up. On top of it all he is an alcoholic. I now see him as a pathetic empty soul. I have lost respect for this man. I took back the power when I decided to turn my back and walk away.

  7. To all you wonderful people who are going through Hell. No contact seems to be the only way to get your life in perspective and free your self. Build your selves up and don’t look back. You can start a life and be happy. All those insecurities will fade in time and you will find a healthy way to continue. Remember to Love your selves.

  8. Everything is very open using a very clear explanation in the issues.
    It was actually truly informative. Your internet site is very helpful.

    Many thanks for sharing!

  9. Hello! I’ve been following your web site for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout
    out from New Caney Texas! Just wanted to mention keep up the fantastic work!

  10. For me, I will never truly get over the heartbreaking treatment I suffered at my Narcissists mental and physical abuse. I also will never forget. I’ve learned to forgive him and myself. At the time, I thought I was the dumbest person on the planet for loving a person incapable of loving me back. But, that was before I knew he was a narcissist and what it all meant. I feel fortunate though that I can now view him with the empathy he never showed towards me (or others he has hurt). He will never know love and enjoy a close relationship. His children can’t stand him, and avoid being around him now that their grown. He really has many empty years ahead of plotting and scheming in order to gain absolutely nothing. I remember back at a time he had tried to choke me (and I still had bruises on my neck legs and arms) Itold him I was moving out. He said if I wanted to stay I could. I responded “don’t you even want to apologize for hurting me?” His response to me was “well – you bruise easy.” It totally sums up how sick and twisted a narcissist way of thinking is…which is very!

  11. My name is Ken. I was with a girl narcissistic. Was with her for 13 years. Over time my life turned into one Big Hell On Earth. i have been in and out of jail on false charges, she tell the truth later on most time with in 2 month. 2 month in jail for nothing. Happend to me 3 diff times. All the lies i was spoon feed for so many years ,all the times she took things away from me .The death of my Mom, death of my Grandma. acted out when i went to say my goodby’s . all the i’m no good , no one will ever match me. Sex was used as a wepon to control me degrade me .Ment to distroy me my life and leave me so fucking empty . I sleep 2/3 hrs a day .On edge, lost my job, Hyper viligent, always lookin for whats coming next. The silent treatment i would get always ended way worse than i thought it would. She came very close to puting me in prison . Prison is what i was in. til a few months ago this was a on going thing. last thing she sad to me was how she hates me and SHE FAKED THE HOLE 13 YEARS , but she tried!! She Tried?????wtf. I pored everything i had into being what she wanted me to be . I’ve changed so many times that I don’t know who i am ? I can’t think,sleep i not been with anyone in 9 years cause i’m a train wreck ,afraid. Want to die most days. phone never rings anymore. She call me months ago and said to me, Ya I’m calling to use you DUH why else would call you. DUH DUH DUH> what i went thru with her has messed me up and i’m afraid of MYSELF> Thers soooo much more that went on. fake her death to freek me out. It just goes on &on. Please send help for me. I am so lost, unable to cope . sadness, loss, confused and just plain mind fucked . I don’t know if i want to go on anymore. nothing changes for me. just more of the same. I beat up so bad.I’ve tried to snap out of this . It won’t let me. This is no way for a dad,ex soldier, and a Man to live. Thoughts that won’t leave me alone. LIKe a movie that just keeps starting over and over. I’m strong .This is winning. Guide me ,tell me what to do, or I’m done. Ken..

    1. Please read my article on PTSD. This is treatable with the correct help and support.
      http://narcissisticandemotionalabuse.co.uk/?p=81
      Never be afraid to seek help if and when you need it. If you would like advice and support from those on the fb page, please send me a PM through the Facebook page or email me via this site. I can post your message anonymously on your behalf.

  12. Sometimes one can’t run, for instance when a family member exhibits narcissistic behaviors and whose health is failing. With no interest in complaining, I am interested in better understanding, being able to support the affected family member as best I can, and insulating myself and other family members from abuse. Why is this not a ‘popular’ topic with lots of literature and self-help for those of us who won’t/can’t just run? The book list on your site doesn’t seem to work, that is the books on the list don’t show up. Perhaps there are some gems there? Something like Stop Walking On Eggshells, but specifically targeted to narcissistic behaviors is what I’m looking for, and not finding. I appreciate what you are doing here, but also wonder, are there websites or information sources organized by mental health professionals that offer help?

    1. I myself am married 7 years to a man with all these symptoms!! He also is physically ill with diabetes, bad back and neck, and he is now overweight, and doesn’t seem to be getting any better!! I am not leaving him unless he is unfaithful! He has insulted me in every way possible during the first 2 years of our marriage!! I cried at first and wished he would leave me!! Then I decided he isn’t getting the best of me and ruining me mentality!! I developed the attitude he is full of bs most of the time!! He threatened to hit me twice, but never has!! I refuse to argue with him and I won’t accept responsibility for his screw ups!! If he misbehaves too much, since he is much larger than me, I go away from him and ignore him until he acts better!! Kinda like a time out for children!! Seems to work for me!! He through time is doing some better!! I don’t give in to any of his immaturity!! Hope this helps!!

      1. Unfaithfulness was my breaking point, too. He was finally caught. I had suspected but had no proof (had many women’S numbers, hid his phone, etc). He did admit it and tried to downplay it. But we were both standing there. Now, I believe there were many over the years. You don’t wait 16 yrs to do it when your wife has been on you as to why you aren’t doing it with her.

  13. My question of late has been: when will we receive compensation for being raised at the hands of one of these monsters & their ever faithful, ever defending codependent partner(s). It inevitably leads to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which hasn’t yet made it into the DSM if I’m not mistaken), a life sentence of depression, horrific/life threateningly low self esteem & anxiety levels that will make it hard to function & achieve the things we could have if we’d been raised in a loving home. We’re also primed to enter abusive relationships & many of us will struggle to have any real loving or lasting connections with any of our fellow human beings. That’s the simple truth & that’s from the perspective of someone who has done incredibly well in spite of all this. We’re like the offspring of those monkeys that those awful experiments were done on, when they were shocked or spikes came out of their fake model mothers whenever they sought affection or comfort. The little monkeys simply clung even tighter in an effort to get what they needed for healthy development. Most of these monkeys went on to murder or horrendously abuse their own offspring.

    Child protective services in my part of the world have only just started acknowledging the kind of scapegoating & emotional abuse these people dish out to their children. If you’re from an outwardly middle class home with one or more professional parents social workers will simply be puzzled as to what is even going on. It is assumed you have the problem & you’re likely to hear things along the lines of you just have to be more obedient, stop complaining/being a spoiled brat & that your parents are “good people” & to “stop complaining about them”.

    Little do they know it’s not about good jobs, money or visual props such as nice homes & cars. It is the lack of any empathetic connection or love that a child will react to, often running away from home, desperately wanting to be someone else or somewhere else to escape the misery of their loveless existence & acting out in a desperate bid for the attention & understanding they crave. Any attention is good, just please give me some. You know your family is different & you know something is horribly wrong but you can’t articulate it. The abusive episodes are done away from the public eye, they are a family secret & leave no outward bruising. We are left to try to survive having our spirits crushed & our very will to live juiced all the while being expected to pretend these things are not happening to us & play the part of the obedient child. If we mess with the narcissists image there will be hell to pay, such as being surrendered into government care because you are too ‘naughty’ to live at home.

    My experience is that I discovered this all on my own, read up on it & was horrified at the impact my dysfunctional family had had on my life. These were not inborn problems I had at all, which was the belief I had internalized. Not one single mental health professional provided even the slightest insight or help & I simply refuse to see any now. Yes, yes… ptsd etc. is treatable but you’ll always struggle to manage what could be termed as second or third class mental health by default. I’d just be happy with some $ for my suffering. I think it should come from respective governments who allow children to be ‘relinquished’ into their care. It is akin to dumping unwanted animals off at the pound. It is traumatizing in & of itself. Nothing good happens in government care, you just experience different kinds of abuse.

  14. I unfortunately came across a narcissist when my neighbor moved in next door 3 years ago. He kind a latched on to me during the build of his new home and I thought he was a wonderful charming smart man at the time. He is gay. His partner was still living at their old residence in another state cause of his job. Anyway here is how it all went down.

    Before I could get a grip on things, I found myself wanting to see this man all the time. I would run over to his house everytime he was there looking at the build out, We would chat and talk for what seemed like hours. My husband was a work all the time. Then this man would stop by my house occasionally to just say hi to me. We exchanged emails, and phone numbers to. After they moved in that is when it got weird. I started to develop a crush on him fast. He made me laugh smile and feel so important to him. Then it came. The end of it all. We had a confrontation at in the yard one afternoon talking about some feral cats that he had been feeding for awhile and one had kittens. Those cats where driving my dogs crazy. So he just openly stated that he didn’t wanted to be my friend anymore and said it wasn’t working out for him. I asked why. I was shocked. I was upset and couldn’t understand. He then started to point out my faults, also brought God into the conversaion I got mad. It all turned out to be a screaming match. By then I was almost in tears. How could this man do this awful thing to me after all I did for him? I was a friend and yes I did have a crush on him really bad. He just made me feel so good inside. Fast forward to the present day, he will not talk to me at all, and it has been almost 3 yrs. We are neighbors now and that is it. He will talk to my husband though. I feel hurt and still can’t understand it all.

  15. I am going through this now. Absolutely heartbroken! Everything went from so happy and perfect to a mess over night!
    He has no remorse or empathy and I have found it so hard to figure out how he could just throw everything away.
    He has left me in an emotional and financial mess!

  16. 29 yrs of my life with the man of my dreams…except he became someone else on our wedding night when he fell asleep, not drunk, by 11 pm leaving me awake and alone with the tv.
    Slowly over time he removed every piece of sunshine and joy i knew. Isolated. Once we had kids, there was no emotion allowed in our home. He ignored our youngest son because he was happy and joyful and easy to please. Our older son was his best friend. Once the boys became old enough to drive, hubby turned the tables on our sons and began randomly ignoring older son and randomly allowing younger son his undivided attention. I was told to take antidepressants and psych meds, forced to stay on them 25 yrs even though they didn’t improve how I felt because if i stop taking them he and our sons “had to deal” with me. I spent the entire marriage in counseling trying to find out why I could not feel his love. Of course he loved me, strangers would see us and tell me how lucky I am for they could see the love oozing from him. At the end I was attending a mental health program and my van driver was a rapist and I was his last victim. Not understanding how I spent 9 months with a rapist getting back on his van every day and never told anyone what was happening, I accidentally discovered an article about the Silent Treatment and learned about narcissism, emotional abuse and how violent the silent treatment can be. Boom, there was my answer to the rapist situation. I was programmed to obey and protect. I got strong enough to ask hubby for divorce. Thinking we were adult about this, I went away for a month to give him peace to move out. I returned to a surprise. Hubby abandoned me. No friendship for the sake of our sons. In fact, suddenly our adult sons decided to turn their backs on me. We had been close, loving, and friendly. Now I was accused of beating down their dad until I made him a loser. I was told not to threaten suicide because they dealt with it since they were toddlers and already know I will die. They were waiting for it. I was abandoned. After isolation for 29 years, I had no friends or family and nobody was involved in our lives enough to let my sons know I am not a scary monster. Now I try to heal. I am so damaged I cannot yet connect with people. Five years after I separated from hubby I am just now beginning to realize I was abused. He did not hit me and was a nice guy. But I ended up suicidal and hopeless. Once I knew I was damaged and not stupid, it has given me the courage to try and try. However now I am tired. I have fought valiantly but the layers of abuse have affected my personality. For safety I need someone to be in my life, but I dont want a husband or mate. And after all I endured in my marriage and then the rape, narcissistic hubby turned my boys so against me that our youngest at age 24 is actually afraid of me and has called me abusive. These sons of mine are fine men, both honor students who did no drugs or alcohol before they graduated high school.. and I was a good mom with 33 yrs of sobriety. They loved me and I loved them. Now I have had very limited contact with my sons for 5 years and recently all contact was cut off by youngest son and older son continues to remain silent but apparently has kept his number and blocks my textx.. I am in a battle against time because I want so much to give up. I am glad I discovered how I was abused. Now I can hope to heal. Without a support system, healing is difficult. Living alone for the first time in almost 30 yrs has been challenging. I am ever so lonely, not being able to make friends in the five years I have been alone. I have had no comfort, no one to help me go places to be social and meet new friends. And people just dont accept a person who is damaged and has no family. It is scarey to get stuck with me during a crisis. I was strong enough to endure the marriage and hide the abuse even from my own eye…he doesnt hit me so he is fine…and I know somehow I will recover. But my heart has been ripped out by the total abandonment and by the total exile my sons have given me. I am alone and times are hard. My health is failing from stress. I desire to have a long life but I don’t know if it is in my cards. Thank you for everyone who wrote in here. and good luck to you all. remember the abuse, surviving the abuse, is proof of how strong and resilient we are. It does NOT prove we are stupid. Each one of us stayed so we could find a way out. Each one of us did our best to please our narcissist, which of course is impossible, but we all survived which means we can find courage and ability to recover and enjoy life. I pray I believe my own words. I pray I make my own advice work for me. Losing my sons, which became my only joy in life being their mom, is just more unfairness than I can endure right now. much gratitude for the courage of others to inspire ladies like me to keep trying and don’t let go.

  17. It is possible to have a relationship with a narsissistic person. My father is. While he has managed to alienate my siblings from himself, I’ve hung in there. Why? Firstly, he’s my Dad, plain and simple but mostly because I can acknowledge the changes he has tried to make in his life. He may not always succeed but I see genuin effort for real. My brother and sisters do not or can’t see this and everytime he says or does something hurtful, they see that as proof that he has’nt changed. It’s true, he may always be a work in progress and for my own mental health I need to sometimes have a break and not see or speak for a few weeks (depending on the level of the most resent hurtful event) but he can also be kind and honestly sometimes does’nt realize he’s being hurtful (although most of the time I’m possitive he’s very well aware, just does’nt care and pretends later to not mean things and that everyone else has just misunderstood!). I know, I know…not really selling the whole “You can co-exist” thing, but really it honestly does come down to you. You may not be able to live with them in the same house, be married to (although my mother still is after 50yrs), or have a healthy long lasting romantic relationship but if you have a family member out there like me that you just can’t turn your back on, here’s how you survive:
    1, Take time out, away from them. Even if you need to lie, separate yourself, get a breather, let the anger,frustration and hurt disapate!
    2, Simply forgive, not expecting you to ever foget nor should you, but it takes more effort to keep the anger flowing and it only serves to give them the attention they want. So they can tell everyone how terrible they are being treated! Don’t give that to them, don’t take the bait!!!
    3, Don’t except the bad behaviour!!! Be brave!!! Tell them how you feel and that what they said was shitty and not exceptable!! Then, after your ‘time apart’, let it go. It’s not easy, I know. It’s for you and not them.
    Or if you’ve reached a place where (like my siblings) you’re cool with ending things, thats okay too, do what’s right for you. But if you’re like me, hang in there and try and see if my method works for you too. Never smooth sailing (my husband is currently not even speaking with my father!) but this way I still get to share those moments with him when he’s at his best and all is genuinly good! xxx

  18. I just found out my ex narc who basically cut off our sex life before she dumped me is totally sleeping around. Something she would look down upon when she was with me. She told me we can’t hang out because she knows we will get back into a relationship (which is like ok….that means you know we have a strong connection) and she just doesn’t want a relationship and wants to be alone is actually just having meaningless sex with people! I don’t understand. Is this normal behaviour. She actually said she knows
    we have a connection and yet is doing this and doesn’t want love! Who doesn’t want love?

  19. Im just finding out about what a narcissistic is. I’ve been married for 26 years and its come out within the passed two years that my husband has been having an affair, been drinking heavily, gotten a DWI. Basically he’s been living a double lifestyle and I’ve been clueless. I know a lot about what has gone on but still I’m sure there are many things hidden from me. I know that he has fake social media accounts and email accounts. He still has locks on his phone. When I read what a narcissist was I about started laughing. I looked for a picture of my husband along side of the definition. It described him perfectly. I’m still in this marriage. I’m not sure how to get out. I don’t have to financial means to get out. Where does someone start over after basically giving her life to another person? Betrayal from someone you’ve started with your life is life changing. It has changed who I am as a person.

    How do I start over after I’ve been told that everything is my fault? That I’m worthless? That “she” was better than me? He made me question everything in my life.

    I am existing one day at a time. I live in our home. I sleep on our living room couch. I just exist. I find no joy. I’ve lost so much because of him.

  20. I have been with one for 5 years first it was like the man of my dreams he would do everything and anything for me flowers, gifts holidays but then like overnight he changed into a monster lied cheated stole gambled made me feel like nothing he has left me feeling my soul has been ripped out, he has slept around so many times it was like living on the edge when he was with me secret phone calls sneaking around secret passwords in bathroom for hours on i-pad and phone he started another relationship behind my back making out i was a ex now she is having his baby and all along he was still trying to see me at the same time now its over for good but i am emotional mess and left me with nothing took everything from me he will not change the poor women who got him now i am fraid got it all to come she is all happy with him because he treating her well flowers and gifts but its the way they get into you like a groomer until they get what they want then they move onto there next victim.

  21. We are done he said, this time is the last time. I just hope its true.

    I am silently trying to get trough the days, far from coping but I pretend. It’s been a month now and it’s like I didn’t exist. I never did anything bad to upset him just got worn down and wanted him to know I had some small needs of my own.

    He chased me hard for a whole year until I finally gave in and went on a date with him, he pulled out his best, charmed me like I had never been charmed before, treated my daughter as well as he treated me, reminding me she came first and he knew I had to be a mum before anything. I had avoided dating up to this point, I didn’t want to bring people into my daughters life, I was happy alone and only if someone dam special came along I might go down that path. He played me like a violin, knew my weak point. Once he knew I was hooked, the cycle began. Everything revolved around him, my daughter and I held off making plans because he was so busy and he would sugesst we might do something on the weekend, we never knew wher we stood. He would break up over and over with me, first it was because I wanted more than he wanted. then it was because he accused me of affairs I never had, next it was because he said nothing he did made me happy (and I guess he was right on that one). I had to nag him to get the most simple nice moments together (I hate naging), I put up with his incredibly rude disrespectful and neglectful behavior to keep the peace, as he reminded me often of the rule I had to forget any issues I had (they were only ever really small want’s, I didn’t dare allow my my mind to dream or think of the normal things that were plentiful in the early days) – “Let it go” he would say. But times came when it was too much and I said how I felt. then the silence was my punishment, always for 3 weeks to then be told all my faults twisting things and telling me what he decided I felt or thought, that I choose for it to go this way, then a whole bunch of conclusions he made up. noting like any person I am or ever would be, shattering to hear a man I thought I loved to think so lowly of me. I cried I got emotional and he was gone again, not allowed to explain or he would simply say we are over, whats done is done. then more silence. he spent his weeks out enjoying himself as a single man while I had no idea what was going on. He would return, nice this time, saying I think this is for the best don’t you agree, i would say no, I would be allowed to explain, he would say he was sorry i felt that way and we were back on.. He had an accident, injured himself badly, and was in a battle over fault with the lady who hit him, it was evil and made him miserable, he took out his upset on me. I felt for him and knew he was in a lot of pain so I let go all the time, put my needs away all together. I cut his toes nails, lots of things on that level, nothing he needed was too much. He declared that he felt we were closer, I got excited it was my birthday and asked if we could get away for a weekend and he agreed. I was excited for the first time about something, weeks went by and things kept coming up, I felt myself sliding, he was busy or this and that. He told me I was never happy so I appologised, I didnt ask again. He had a very bad week, miserable and at war with everyone at his work, so mean to me as well because of it. He called me at 3pm on a friday afternoon to say he was leaving work he wanted to leave at 4. I was at work, I had to arrange my daughter and get home to pack and drive to his. I did it, I got in the car and he was in a very grumpy mood, rushing to get away, he said I left work to do this for me, I caused problems at work to do this for you, I said thanks, we had to make a few stops for things he wanted, I was talking and he made a wrong turn, he said you always talk at the wrong time, I let it go and shut up. I got busy and booked some accommodation for us. He liked what I found (phew). I did something good!! The next day he told me we had to go eat at a certain fish and chip place because someone told him we had to go there, and order the family plate (for two people), It was massive way too much food, I ate a normal serve and refused to eat all the food he said was my share, he ate it all, he has big health issues and it was sad to see him eat such a massive plate of fried food, saying see its great that was a great suggestion my friend made. This silly thing was my break point, I wanted a conversation about what we might do or when we might go but he knew and he was having conversations about where we should eat.. I lost it and he broke up with me there and was going to leave me and I could find my own way home, he had been drinking so knowing im much faster than he was I got his keys. I had some nice bruises on my arms but managed to keep them safe until morning. That was it, I had a massive breakdown when he turned his back on me for not coping with the impossible, I gave beyond what anyone should have to give. I am thinking scary things, I told him I agree with his decision but I just need a bit of support to get through the dark place this has taken me to. I am unwell, I asked him to help me but my problems are of no interest to him. I am invisible to him and so is my daugther (his little mate). I have had some very dark days, days so dark I’m grateful I found the strength to keep going. massive panic attacks, very server anxiety, most likely depression, all the weight I had been letting go (keeping inside) has come flooding out. I messaged him too much, desperate to tell him all these things I had kept inside for so long. I know it will make it worse and I don’t care – there is no worse. I hope I can keep finding that strength, I am ashamed to tell anyone what has happened but coping alone is far from healthy.

    My little girl needs her Mum and I will keeping putting on a brave face, I don’t cry in the day anymore just late at night, tonight is hard. I hoped he might just take a second to wish My daughter a merry christman after being a big part of her life for 4 years (she is 10) but I know he wont, he knows that will punish me so he will punish her in the process.

    Merry Christmas people. I am happy I made it here, I doubted I would but I have kept my strength and the presents are wrapped, house is clean and I am looking forward to time with family. I just hope no one asks where he is. He always avoided any events like this with us so they know he come, but usually ask to find out what the excuse was this year. Maybe my own challenge tomorrow is not feel sad for one second, let him enter my mind and if that question is asked say , no he wont be coming, my daughter and I are far to good for him, I have cut that tie.

  22. I am in the midst of getting a divorce from my emotionally abusive wife. She had gotten uncomfortably close with her best friend, who was also a close friend of mine. Apparently, they have been conducting an affair behind my back for some time now. I had worried they felt something for one another. I confronted them twice, but they insisted I was being paranoid and hurting our relationships. No matter what my concerns were (constant texting, treating me like a third wheel when going out, hanging out alone in our home without letting me know, hearing from his ex that he is a serial cheater, texting ‘I love you’ to one another), they did nothing to alleviate my concerns. Instead, they used my trust and my desire to trust them against me. They turned my self-criticism against me, and I became riddled with guilt and anxiety. They made me believe that every red flag was just all in my head. The last time I confronted them was nine days before I caught them together. During those nine days, my anxiety was such that I lost a belt size from not being able to eat, missed so much work, and lost sleep. I even had to reach out to friends one day to help keep me safe from suicidal thoughts. She even had a key to our apartment made for him, claiming she lost her keys and needed to have a copy made. It wasn’t until the day before I caught them together that I discovered the receipt while cleaning and found she had two keys made. And she had found her original keys she thought she had lost. When I politely confronted her over the two keys, she became angry at me for even asking and told me the key was in a drawer. I was too scared of angering her to even think of asking where the other key she had made was. I came home very early from work he next day, Black Friday, to find them naked in our bed. I asked him to leave after he tried to verbally bully meninto acceptance, and I sat with her and held her hair while she threw up from the anxiety of being caught. I told her I loved her and wanted to work things out. By the next day, I discovered she had deleted her entire text message history with him and was texting him that she loved him and wanted to leave me. When I confronted her over it, she said she wanted to work it out. I gave her a little over a week and, at her request, arranged for her to stay with a mutual friend for the following weekend. I began to discover that she was slandering me as negligent and verbally abusive to her mother and to our friends. She came back and told me it was over. She chose him. I left her all communal property, because I didn’t want for her to suffer financially and I had somewhere to go. Now, I find out she is vilifying me more to people, and our exchanges have involved me trying to be understanding while she keeps shifting more and more blame for her dishonesty and emotional abuse of me onto me. I have seen her in person once since leaving, and I don’t recognize her anymore. She is so cold, and her eyes are something I no longer recognize. She doesn’t care what she has done to me. Doesn’t care that I treated her well after catching her and helped her learn what she needed to in order to handle the bills. She just wants to be rid of me, since she cannot control my perception of things anymore. It scares me that I was so enamored with her and that she took such advantage of me. Barely more than a month ago, I never wanted to leave her for anything, and now, I am grateful to be free of her.

    1. I went through this for thirty years. It took that long to understand what was happening. It had broken my spirit it put five stints in my heart. And this man walks around free from any blame. My advice… Recognise it and get out as fast as you can. Or there will be nothing left of who you are!

  23. I’m dealing with the same situation. For 20 years I’ve been blinded by what I thought was the love he had for me. But it only took a statement he said about losing my daughter to tell me he really is a piece of ****. I know I’ll be ok

  24. A little bit stronger by Sara Evans helped me get through my breakup with a narcissist which I ended up getting back with him because he took my rights away and holds our son over my head so I won’t leave he only got back with me because nobody would babysit our son any more he liked to pawn him off on his mom and sister just took him from me to get back at me for leaving him cause he wouldn’t stop mentally and physically abusing me and then he wanted to do week to week with Noah so I let his sister come get our son and they took my rights from me I should have got it typed up he had to bring Noah back and notarized but he talked me out of it promising he would and kept my son from me for 6 months now that I’m back with him he holds Noah over my head hell keep him from me again…it’s hard situation to deal with I feel mentally drained I think I’m getting depressed again

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