The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

Can you post an anonymous question to see if others had the experience of wondering what was and was not real, including themselves, when they became aware of the moment that they were in love with a narcissist who didn’t really exist? I just recall sitting on the ground and wondering if I was real for quite a few hours and it was the most horrid experience I’ve ever had.

 

3 thoughts on “The most horrid experience I’ve ever had

  1. I am Colombian. I married an American man, and I met him in Colombia at a television station. My husband worked on national Colombian TV that had its own international channel, and he was happy with his work. When we met, I was a single mother of two children. At that time, my eldest son was 10 and my youngest was 3. Today, my husband and I have a son in common, and my three children are now 14, 7, and 3 years old.
    Toward the end of 2014, my husband’s parents began to convince him to live in the US so he could give our children a better life. They told him they would help him, that they would support him whatever the cost. Considering we are from another culture, my children did not know English, and we practically had to start from scratch. They said we could live with them for a while because it was the only place where we could stay in the US. My husband’s mother is a Spanish teacher (although she does not know any Spanish) and told him that she was going to help him get a job as a Spanish teacher as soon as he arrived in the US. The process was supposedly very easy, he already knew the language, and here in the US he was going to make more money than he was making in Colombian television.
    My husband accepted; he believed his parents and that is why he went through with the residency process. His parents agreed to be financial sponsors of my two eldest sons and myself.
    Our resident visas were approved in October 2016. However, the American Embassy in Bogotá informed us that we had to leave Colombia in less than 6 months. We decided to travel to the US in December 2016, leaving us with two months to arrange everything. My husband quit his television job with a broken heart. It was a job he had a hard time getting since his native language is English, and he had to learn Spanish perfectly in order to present on national television.
    My husband went to Colombia without knowing Spanish and without having a job. He left with the goal of working at that television channel. He literally just left one day, knocked on the station door, and they accepted him. He started working from the bottom by presenting for a small English-language news project. He then climbed his way up and started presenting in Spanish. That’s why it hurt for him to leave his job but he thought of it as a sacrifice for his family.
    From the moment we arrived at his parents’ house, his mother went from being the kind lady on FaceTime to a monster. She started calling me a prostitute because of the way I dressed, since my husband’s father looked at my breasts whenever he had the chance. I was not allowed to use the household appliances because I am a Latina and they assumed that I did not know how to use that “advanced technology”, because obviously in Colombia we live like cavemen.
    She told me daily to go to work in the streets of New York since it “suited” the way I dressed. They told my kids they could not use the TV controls, that they could not open the fridge if they were thirsty, and that we could not speak Spanish (she thought we were plotting against her, and she would not understand it). She forbade me to speak on a cell phone in Spanish, even with my mother who does not speak English, because it was her house. She forbade me to chat with my mother on WhatsApp, or with whomever I wanted because she thinks that I am not paying attention to my kids. I cook for my kids, I do their laundry, I clean the house for them, I wake them up for school, I make everything, but I still don’t have the right to chat in the phone, even for a little bit.
    She told my children to not eat the “shitty” Latin food I make for them and gave them high sugary food instead. She began to get into the nutrition of my baby son, and when I was feeding him healthy things, she gave him candy so he would not eat my food. She forced me to enroll my children in the Catholic school where she worked because, if I didn’t, I would be kicked out of the house. We are not Catholics, we are Christians, and she forbade us to go to church. When we were reading the Bible, she told us it was “bullshit”. She once took the keys from the car so we could not go to church, and I had to tell her let me out or I would call the police.
    This lady also assures me that she has a complete list of women with whom my husband could marry once I go back to Colombia; women that would be “willing” to be Dominic’s stepmother, as if I were to divorce my husband and leave my son with her.
    My husband realized that the possibility of working as a teacher was a lie. In order to be one, he had to register in September (3 months before we got here to the US, and one month before we officially received the visa) to start studying in September of the following year (September 2017).
    In other words, he had to wait one year only to start studying, and two years to be certified as a teacher, so TWO YEARS until he could start working as a teacher (not to mention he doesn’t have any experience as a teacher, he has 9 years of experience in journalism)
    He realized that everything was a hoax; he left a totally stable job in Colombia for this! It turns out, his mother just wanted him to return to the US because she thought that Colombia was a shitty country, and its people too. She wanted her son to return no matter the cost or consequence because her intention was actually to get my husband and I to divorce, and send me back to Colombia with my two older children. My husband would then stay here with my baby.
    Her plan was that during the two years my husband could not work as a teacher, my husband would get a job at a supermarket or a coffee shop. All because she thought that Colombia was a “shitty country” and that my husband had a “shitty job.” I know this because she has told me this many times in my face. My husband worked in one of the most recognized stations in Latin America, and the Hispanic population in the USA; he did not have a shit job. He had the job that most journalists would like to have. Obviously, what they tell everyone is that my husband does not want to work, that he does not strive to get a job that he is a bum, and people believe her lies. My husband spends hours applying to jobs. What scares me the most is that his own parents have deceived him into coming to this country, harming his career, his professional future, the economic stability with which he supported his family, and putting us all in a situation of despair and absolute submission. No doubt his parents got what they wanted. My husband was providing for us in Colombia and we had a very good life there, but now all we hear every single day is that she is giving us food, like if my husband or me never work in our life before. We only have been here for 9 months and she makes it seems like if she is maintaining us for years.
    The picture was as follows: it was December, winter, out of work, living with a controlling, obsessive, narcissistic, crazy woman, unable to go to church. Instead of defending us, my husband’s father joined her in insulting me, even almost hitting me in front of his own son. For months, we have been locked up, hungry, and living with daily insults.
    I must clean her house every day, 3,000 sq. ft. (280 m2) home. I vacuum it, wash the floor, and she shouts at me in front of my children. She tells me that since they are feeding me and giving me a place to live, I must pay with the cleaning of the house (here in the US a maid earns $ 100 a day). She humiliates me in front of them; I even asked her to stop doing it in front of my kids and she says she does not give a shit.
    According to her, I married my husband for money because I am Latina and lived, according to her, eating “shit” in my country. According to both of them, my children and I ate shit in Colombia so we should be grateful that they got us out of there and to not complain of the mistreatment they are giving us. They also call my children “little piece of shit”. I don’t know why they think I want money because if that was the case I would’ve been married with another man who really had money. They only have a normal house, like a normal person, like all my family in Colombia has houses, and my family even has farm; they don’t have farms. I don’t want their money, but I have to accept it because I don’t have a choice at this time.
    In a desperate attempt, I wrote to one of my husband’s aunts (Janet) telling her what was happening to me in the house. She told me to “deal with it” because they brought me to this country. According to his aunt, I had to do everything they asked me to because they sponsored my visa. She also called DCF to report my husband because allegedly “refuses to work” (liar!). She, more than anyone, knows the situation in this house. Before coming here, she often complained to me because my husband’s mother calls her fat and also because she believes that my husband’s mother abuses his father (who is her brother). But obviously because she knows that her brother has been involved in the mistreatment and abuse towards me, she is doing anything to defend him, even lying to the authorities.
    My husband’s mother has tried physically attacking me, and when I told my husband’s father what she was trying to do, his response was, “so what?” (all the time) and he also said to me that she never would do that (yeah right) so he never stopped anything. If anything, he encouraged her to do even more evil things.
    All this time, they have humiliated my husband for living in Colombia and marrying me, and he’s even had to kneel for food. My husband has not been able to go to work because they only want him to be a teacher. They don’t let him take the car if he is going to work in something they don’t like; for example, he was painting houses with a friend and they didn’t like that job so they started making fun of him as if he were working in something bad. He was doing that for us, and his family. (In this town, we can only travel by car because there are no taxis or buses. The train costs $100 and we don’t have money for that either). Not only that, but my husband has been very afraid to leave me alone with them because when they are alone with me, they try to attack me, even his mother stared me down pointing scissors in her hand. Every time my husband ask her who is the family for her, she said that family is him, his sister, herself, his father and his grandmother…but he says to her that she is wrong because his family is his wife and his kids, but she gets so mad about that and hates me for that.
    On one occasion they took my baby’s passport so I could not leave the country with my baby and they did not give it back to me for five days.
    On another occasion, my 14-year-old son was so frightened by the aggressions of my husband’s mother that he almost had a heart attack, his chest began to ache and he was out of breath; when I told my husband’s father, he told me nonchalantly that 14-year-olds also get heart attacks.
    My husband’s mother walks into my room without permission, she says it’s her house, she walks in when I’m naked and completely violates my privacy. I’ve asked her to leave, but she says no because it’s her house, and one time she sat on the floor in the middle of the room, and refused to leave. Absurdly, her mother also demanded that I leave the door of my room all the time open, even at night, because she wanted to know everything that was happening; I do not even have the right to be intimate with my own husband.
    She threatened to deport me and take my baby away, because she thinks I’m a bad mother and says she’s going to deport me with my two other children, and leave the baby with my husband in the US. Because of this I made the decision to prohibit them from being with my sons. I do not want them close to my baby and neither of my other two children. For about two months now, I’ve forbidden them to approach my children, especially my baby, for their threats to take the baby away from me and deport me. It turns out that they tell everybody in their family that I forbid them to be with the baby, but they do not tell them the reason. They only said that they are giving us food and a place to live, they have been so good to us, that they don’t know why I would do such a thing (blah blah), and obviously in their family’s eyes, everyone thinks that I am a miserable. I believe that any mother would do the same as me. Indeed, I believe that I have put up with them for too much time. She also told me that my husband’s grandmother (her mother) was going to help pay a lawyer to achieve her goal because according to them they have rights over my baby … Before that happens I prefer a billion times to return to Colombia. It’s also my constitutional right to decide with whom I want my children to share time with and with whom not.
    She took advantage of the fact that my children were attending the Catholic school where she worked to make their life impossible, especially the eldest one. She harassed him every day at school, looked for him in the bathroom, even once pushed him just because he was playing with water. Yes, my son should not play with water, but she did not have the right to attack him. She spoke ill of him and me to everybody at school, saying that he is a liar, a thief and a manipulator. She told the principal (Mother Elaine) that she felt ashamed of me because I dressed like a prostitute and that she did not want others to see her like this, because she doesn’t have anything to do with the way I dress.
    Every time something is missing in the house, she blames my son for stealing it.
    The times I’ve asked them for respect they say no and threatens us with suicide if we do not do what they ask, even my husband’s father said he was going to throw himself in front of a train once.
    My husband sought his sister’s help, but she only insulted him and told him that he was a bad son and many more things. She did not believe a word of what he was telling her. So, my husband is a “bad son” for not doing what his parents tell him, but doing what he thinks is best for his family and for doing what he pleases. No one in his family cares about us because we are Latinos. This lady goes crazy almost every single day if we do not do her will, and attacks anyone who disagrees with her. I cannot do with my life what she wants me to do; I cannot make decisions based on their wishes. I had a life in Colombia, and I used to have my own way with my kids and as a family.
    One day, she was fighting with my husband’s father, and the fights between them are very strong; things are thrown and hit. My 7-year-old son got so nervous he called the police (Old Saybrook, Connecticut). The police came in a matter of seconds and they did not talk to my children or me. They talked to my in-laws and they did not tell the police the truth. They told them they were just stressed because of me, because they had to work to feed me, because my husband refused to work, and that they are “elderly people”; that they help his immigrant family and I was taking advantage of them by taking their money.
    They told the police that we take the car without their permission, and that they were very stressed by all of this. Although I had nothing to do with their fight, which was why my son called 911, the police chief (Michael Spera) insinuated that I was an illegal immigrant (I’m a permanent resident). Additionally, he told my father-in-law that if we to use the car again, that he should call him and he would arrest us for robbery.
    Now we were really kidnapped. The chief also told my husband’s parents that they should evict us from the house, and told them how to do it. According to him, my husband’s parents had no financial responsibility with me and my children, even if they were the financial sponsors of my visas (federal law says they are until I am a citizen or if I have worked for a total of 10 years).
    The police chief refused to listen to my husband, or me, he even told my husband that I was an immigrant and that I could do nothing against them. He told my husband it did not matter what his parents were doing to me, that we had to put up with it because we lived in a nice house in Old Saybrook; as if to say that an immigrant should be grateful to live in such a house like this. Many people here think that all Latino people lived in poverty in their countries. I thank God I was never was in that situation; in fact my parents gave me the best education and put me in the best schools. I’m also a journalist as my husband is, and a social communicator too, and I’ve done much social research in my region.
    The police had to report the incident with DCF because there were children involved. The DCF social worker that visited us is from Puerto Rico. She realized at once that everything I told her was true and she backed me up. My in-laws and my husband’s aunt (Janet) called the DCF to report her because they think she acted wrong, only because she did not defend them, but me.
    My children are exposed to this toxicity on a daily basis. I have had to look for legal ways. I know that many of my rights have been violated and that I have been abused in every possible way. We are at a point of despair; I just want to be able to continue with my life. My husband has sent his resume to all corners of the country, looking for work in his profession and it has been impossible. He’s a bilingual television presenter; he has also sought work in fields that have nothing to do with his work experience. I cannot leave my children in this house with these people. I need to get out of here.
    My husband has always had a history with his mother: she was always manipulative with my husband, even had him medicated until the age of 23. My husband went to Colombia running away from her; he even told me when I met him that he was not going to come back to the US ever again. But we are here because of me, because I told him to be good with his parents, with his mother especially. I started convincing him that he was wrong for shutting her out, and then he started talking to her again. Then they started convincing him to come back to the United States. He thought his mother had changed, and he felt bad having his son far away from his biological grandparents.
    So, he agreed to return, but much to his disappointment, his mother did not change; she is now even worse than he imagined. She has destroyed my reputation in this entire town, talks about me as if I were a gold digger; even her friends call me a “puta” (Spanish for “slut/whore”), and a “bitch” when they’ve never even spoken one word to me.
    My husband is applying for a construction job that pays very well and she has told everyone that I want my husband to die on the job. She says he will get decapitated while working (the same thing happened to his uncle several years ago), and that all those who work construction always die.
    We need the money to leave this house. My husband is not a builder but he does whatever it takes to get us through. We’ve been imprisoned having nowhere to go. My husband’s mother thinks that by giving me a house to live in or a little food, I must give my life to her and practically became her slave.
    When our son Dominic was born, my in-laws went to Colombia, and at that time I had no idea how psychotic they were. My delivery was very complicated; my baby came with the umbilical cord entangled around his neck, and by a miracle the cord snapped. Dominic did not choke or run out of oxygen. When my husband’s mother saw my son, instead of being compassionate, she said she would’ve liked the baby to be whiter like those in my husband’s family.
    At the time, I did not think anything of it; thought it was a joke. I now realize that she was serious, and that it was nothing more than a small warning; a small window of what is truly in her heart. Nowadays it does not seem to matter to her anymore if he is white or not because she threatens to take the baby away from me and deport me.
    They bought a car out of pure vanity. At church, some friends offered us $5,000 to help buy a vehicle, so we would not have problems with my in-laws. They never let us go anywhere they do not like (such as a congregation where we can practice our religious preferences), and they say we cannot use it if we go to that place.
    My husband was honest with his mother and told her they would use the money from the church to compliment what his mother was offering him to help buy a vehicle. His mother refused, saying that if other people were giving us money for the car, then she would not give a single dollar to buy another.
    DCF had ordered them to leave us with a means of transportation, whether by car or by train, so my in-laws let us use the car we were using before, since the train was more expensive. Then my mother-in-law, after refusing to give the $4,000 she originally offered him, decided to buy a $17,500 vehicle. Yes, it’s her money, and she buys with her money what she wants, but it’s also a double standard between what she does and what she says. They’ll just say they had to do it for us. We really need a car under our name for going to work or any place we want, because we don’t want to have that threat that we could be arrest for using their car, that’s why people from our church wanted to help with money for our car.
    I didn’t mention everything they have done to me, like making fun of my accent o criticizing every single thing that I do for with my kids. She even criticizes that I speak Spanish with them but what does she expect? They are learning the language and I don’t feel comfortable speaking with them in English. I’m not interfering with my husband’s parent’s rules in the house, but they are interfering with my rules for my family. My family is not the house. If she wants her house clean, ok, I’m keeping her house clean and I‘m putting everything back in its place, but my family is not the house. And yes, I have to use Clorox, OMG! Because my kids and I have really delicate skin and the bacteria affects us really bad.
    In public, these people act like they are angels from heaven, volunteering, and donating to charity. They also behave completely different with my husband’s sister, because she did everything they planned for her. I feel like I’m living in a horror movie.
    In order to defend myself against all the abuse and mistreatment they do to me, I decided to seek legal help, and realized that the financial sponsor of an immigrant has a lot of responsibility; that even the immigrant can sue them if they are not fulfilling what they swore do to in the Affidavit of Support. So, I decided to tell them that if they did not leave me alone, I would sue them for immigration and civil rights violations; obviously they have told the whole family that I want to sue them because I want their money and take their house, but they don’t say why I want to take that path. I’m just doing this to have a little bit of peace. It’s incredible that other people have been more sympathetic with us, and for my husband’s family not to understand that this was a very difficult transition and traumatic adaptation.
    My husband’s parents went to an immigration lawyer, and that lawyer told them that they have to give us 2.063 dollars if they want us out of the house, obviously that lawyer doesn’t know the truth. They said they were going to give us the money and let us leave, we were happy because finally we would be free and do whatever we want to do; but the next morning they said they were not going to give us the money; it didn’t surprise me, they don’t want to lose control, if we leave they are going to lose it forever and they won’t see Dominic ever again. My husband’s aunt told his father to don’t give us the money for the rent because we only want them to pay forever for the rent and do nothing. When they said they were not going to give us the money for leaving the house they told to their friends that we didn’t want to accept the money because we want their house and one of his mother’s friend call me a puta, and call my husband a fucking loser; they also told to my husband’s family that we rejected the offer because we are treating them and that we only want their salary. I just can’t believe any of this. I’m leaving a nightmare, I don’t know when is going to stop.
    Obviously, my husband’s parents deny doing any of these things I mentioned they would never accept it. They just say that I want to sue them and get the money, but they do not say the reason why I have had to be harsh. Both are horrible people to me and both need someone to put a stop to them, and tell them they are abusive, and that they are sick in the head, and the heart. This is the first time that I have to face something like this in my whole life; it’s the first time that I have to live with people like them. For me, they are not good people. They only have me here in their house because the law obligates them to do it. If it wasn’t for that, I know that my husband’s father would have already kicked us out. For me, my husband’s father is the worst between the both of his parents. He’s totally evil, he plays all the sides he can, and is a professional liar. Logically, as I said before, they are going to say that none of this has ever happened. All these are lies, a fabrication; that maybe it’s just that I have a lot of imagination, and I can write science fiction novels.
    I have been writing to many different organizations here in CT but most of them offer me a shelter that is in a motel where you can find every kind of people and I have 3 kids, 14,7 and 3. I don’t want to bring them to that kind of shelter, I wrote to ACLU CT and some how my father in law enter to my Facebook account or maybe he just was follow my steps in social media and he found what I wrote to them and sent that to everybody in his family. I have to confess that sometimes I’m scared. My husband’s father also takes pictures of the car we use, he takes pictures of the odometer everyday just to control who many mile we drive. This is sick.
    It is difficult for me to understand why the other members of the family defend this tyranny, if my mother, my sister, my husband or my son did something like that with another person, I would never approve.
    Everything I said here are the reasons why I don’t let them be with Dominic or my other 2 kids; nothing more than these and are reasons why we are not going to my husband’s grandmother birthday party or any other family reunion. I forgive all of them, I really do but forgiving doesn’t mean that I have to be with them or have any kind of relationship. For now, I just want my husband’s parents to leave me alone, and leave my family alone, so we can continue with our lives. And I don’t care how much my husband’s mother cries or how big of a show she makes, I just don’t want to be with them anymore.
    I know that many live in situations more difficult than mine, but this has not been easy at all and of course I have defended myself; but my body and my spirit feel tired, and my strength is running out. What I’m looking for is exposing these immigrant stories here in the US to raise awareness to see if this world still has hope.

  2. He accused me of stealing a watch and ring. First claimed it was worth 5 grand then increased it several times finally it was 15 grand and I supposedly stole it because I was so pathetic and desperate at the time . He posted this on Facebook to my family, friends , co workers and church members. Of course he looked like an idiot but still he did it.

  3. The first most horrible experience in my marriage to a narc happened soon after we married. He had a couple of martinis as soon as we arrived in a strange city. We’d dated for 5 years and alcohol was never part of our relationship; I don’t drink at all and never did. He ordered me to go get sandwiches. There were vagrants around outside and I casually asked him to ride along with me for safety’s sake. He flew into a rage and called me a stupid f—– c—. I was shocked and horrified. I drove around the city in tears and alone. All food places in the downtown were closed or didn’t look safe. I finally found a mall across town, got food, and became lost. After almost 2 hours I got back, he was roaring drunk, and he said that if I hadn’t come back the marriage would be over. The next most horrible experience occurred a few months later when he anally raped me after I told him I was going to take a strong sleeping pill due to his snoring keeping me awake for the past 2 nights. I’d often told him that I wouldn’t have that kind of intercourse due to a rectal childbirth injury but he was determined to have it and took the opportunity when I was too drugged to object. The next morning he wanted praise for stopping before completion and for only penetrating one inch. I was sore and bleeding. It was 10 years before I got out and there were hundreds of miserable experiences with this abuser.

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