No one would believe that the man who sits in church with his family every Sunday, is a monster behind closed doors with the family that looks so perfect on the outside.
No one would believe that the ‘doting’ mother cheering on her child in the school gala, had been yelling and belittling her daughter minutes beforehand.
Who would believe that the friendly local grocer who chats happily with his customers has been giving his wife the silent treatment and not acknowledged her existence in weeks?
Who would believe that the lovely charming ‘lady’ at the top of her profession, trampled on anyone who stood in her way on her rise to the top?
The closet narcissist is a great pretender, hiding who they really are with expertise. The covert narcissist puts on such a convincing display of being a loving, kind person in public but to those who know them personally, to those closest to them, they are selfish, manipulative, exploitive and anything but the loving and kind person that they purport to be. They know that if they displayed their true colours in public, they would lose the recognition, respect and admiration that they so desperately crave. Perhaps their ability to fool the outside world, makes this type of personality one of the most dangerous. They worry about being found out. They are deeply envious knowing that they can never be the person that others believe them to be.
The covert narcissist is a con artist who lacks the confidence of the overt narcissist. They need constant attention moving from one relationship to another in order to avoid being alone. Time spent alone often leads to depression when their needs are not being met. Narcissistic supply is vital to their well-being.
Your value in the narcissist’s life will depend on your usefulness. When you are no longer regarded as useful or you challenge them about who they really are, you will be cast aside without a second thought as if you never existed. Your reputation will have been discredited so that you will never be believed.
Scott Barry Kaufman (Psychologist) explains…
“While the overt narcissists tended to be aggressive, self-aggrandizing, exploitative, and have extreme delusions of grandeur and a need for attention, covert narcissists were more prone to feelings of neglect or belittlement, hypersensitivity, anxiety, and delusions of persecution.”
- Always plays the victim wanting your sympathy
- Quiet Smugness/Superiority
- Self absorbed
- Extreme selfishness
- Constant craving for acknowledgement
- Passive aggressive
- Judgemental and critical
- Lacks empathy
- Highly sensitive being unable to handle criticism
- Difficulties with relationships
- Gets bored easily
- Switches off rather than listen intently to others
It can be difficult not to get sucked in to a narcissist’s web of deceit and feel sorry for them when they play the victim card. The narcissist is looking for a reaction from you. Don’t feed the monster! When they fail to get their desired reaction from you, they will take a step back and look for their supply elsewhere. Be aware of the traits before it’s too late and don’t let yourself be controlled by someone whose ultimate goal is to control not only your mind but your life.
(From Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon)