Somebody needs to make him accountable

Somebody needs to make him accountable

The narcissist that I was involved with is a male in his late 40’s.  Raised by an overbearing father and a mother who spoiled him, he grew up to become a charismatic guy who can charm the pants out of anyone.  We were in a relationship when I was in college.

We started chatting online when he asked for help about a business that he was planning to start.  I’ve known him for more than 10 years but we haven’t seen each other for almost 3 years.  I wasn’t expecting to hear from him after such a long time.  He told me that he missed me and he wants to rekindle the friendship.

So we started communicating almost daily through e-mail.  He kept asking for my number but I didn’t give it to him.  He was already married.  He asked me to go out several times but I rejected him.

Eventually he started talking about his personal life.  I felt really awkward but I listened because he’s my ex.  He told me that he and his wife are preparing the documents for their annulment but they still live together for the kids.  He kept complaining about her, that he wants out of the marriage but his wife wouldn’t sign the papers.  “She doesn’t cook for me. I stay at home but all I do is chat with other women because she doesn’t care anymore.  She let herself go, I’m not attracted to her. I don’t love her anymore. We don’t sleep together.”  It felt strange that he kept talking about all of his ‘crazy’ ex-girlfriends, too.  He said that he had a lot of girlfriends after getting married.  He also claimed that he had a few married ex-girlfriends.  Being very open-minded I didn’t think that this was one of the warning signs of a narcissistic/sociopathic person. I also thought that he was just feeling miserable because his marriage was about to end and that he has fallen out of love with his wife.

I believed everything he said without verifying facts because I thought I knew him well.  After all we were in a relationship for almost 3 years, and as far as I know he didn’t cheat on me then.

So I agreed to meet up with him in a restaurant.  “It’s just a business and catch up meeting,” he said.

He called me several times the following day, and sometimes even in the middle of the night almost everyday for about a few weeks.  We met up again several times.  I knew it was wrong to hang out with a married man but I was vulnerable at that time.  I just broke up with my boyfriend a few months before.  And yes, I admit that I missed him, too.  I am a very sentimental person.  I’m highly emphatic and naïve, the perfect victim so to speak.  He said that he still loves me and he wants to be in a relationship.  I fell under his spell.  Guess I was also flattered with all the attention he gave me.

I fell for him again because he’s a charming, smart, good-looking quirky guy with a good sense of humour.  We had a very intense emotional connection and shared so many things in common.  For several weeks, he called me around 2-3 times almost everyday.

He asked me to be his girlfriend after two months and  I agreed.  He made me happy in a way that only he can.  Or so I thought.  Little did I know that saying “yes” to him would be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

After we got intimate and in a few months’ time, the mask began to slip.  He didn’t call and text as much as he used to.  He was deliberately withholding affection, sex, and attention.  We used to see each other almost everyday, then he stopped making plans with me.  I feel that he gets angry when I am away from him.  He wants me to stay at home and wait for his text or call to ask me out.  He would often text to say that we are going out an hour before the meeting time.  He gives me the cold shoulder when I don’t give him enough attention, or when I say something that he disagrees with, or when I do something on my own like see my friends or visit my family.  He loves to ask me for favours or gifts but never really appreciated them or me.  It was always about him.  Our conversations were usually about him, too.  I tried to talk to him about it but he was the type of guy who doesn’t know how to communicate honestly.  He always says, “I miss you,” or, “see you soon,”or “I want to spend time with you,” but didn’t make time for the relationship. “I’m just very busy,” is his favourite excuse.  He became inconsistent and didn’t talk to me as much as he used to.  He stopped having sex with me but would often suggest doing it and renege at the last minute.  The last time we saw each other he started a fight and gave me the silent treatment.  He said that maybe I should date other men.

Then I found out that he was seeing another woman, and he was using her and all of his friends to spread false rumours about me.  I did a lot of research and discovered that he is a narcissist.

Somebody needs to step up and make him accountable for all the women he hurt. I want people to know what kind of man he is by exposing him, but how?

3 thoughts on “Somebody needs to make him accountable

  1. These people are never accountable to anyone for their actions. People already know what he is like.

    You went into this with your eyes open and chose to ignore all the warning signs. Wanting to expose him out of a sense of righteousness or hurt will not help you or others, as you will be blamed for getting involved with him when you knew he was married. You would open yourself up to a smear campaign.

    Far from not cheating on you he was using you to cheat on his wife. It’s the old saying, “If they’ll do it with you they’ll do it TO you.” You may feel like a victim in this but you were compliant, and taking responsibility for your actions will help you to heal and move on with your life. Some lessons are hard but they do us good if we learn from them and don’t repeat them.

  2. My thought is at the end of the day he will have to live with himself and deep down these are MISERABLE people. You don’t go through life behaving the way they do without being deeply insecure and unhappy. Being himself for the rest of his life, having series of failed relationships with women who have completely cut him off, if he has kids they probably will too, all of this is his life.
    That is enough punishment to make me smile.
    (You could expose him to the women he is with now but chances are they are under his spell and it won’t do a damn thing. I found out my ex was cheating on my by ANOTHER girl he was with while he was with me, sure I broke up with him when I found out but I went back. Finding it out was part of why I finally went no contact but it was over a year later and just one piece to the puzzle. They’ll all figure it out without you telling them too, trust in that. )

  3. Oh my god!
    It’s like it’s my story you are telling! I even though for a second we were talking about the same guy. The only difference with mine was that he didn’t tell me he was married. He pretended he was single and therefore was playing with my head about that the whole time (I kept feeling inside their was another women) but all the rest is exactly the same! all his exes were crazy according to him and now I ‘m positive that when he talks about me, I have joined that club, the no time excuse cause he is so busy, cancelling plans at the last minute always while telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me, that he missed me so much…, stop having sex with me but always talk about doing it to keep me on my toes… When I finally found out he was actually married, its like I had all the missing pieces of the puzzle but it didn’t make it easier anyway to let go.
    The power we give them! it’s insane.
    I wouldn’t waste any time trying to show the world how he is. I tried that and it only end up backfiring in my face. People don’t want to know anyways, they wont believe it until it happens to them so until the person does them any wrong, they wont be loyal to you or care if you were hurt (remember the guy is awesome and charismatic in public) and you end up looking like the description he gives of you to other people (the crazy girl who cant let go… :-(…) don’t waste your precious energy on him and instead use it to focus on you. If you go down to his level and try to pin him down like he did to you, you will lose. He is a master at his own game and he has years of experiences. You wont win and it’s not worth it. He is not worth it.
    Big hugs

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