Should I continue to fight or walk away?

Should I continue to fight or walk away?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years; however, we’ve known each other for 6, almost 7 years.

We had a great time in the beginning; now, we’re barely holding on.  I started noticing he’d get angry when he realized how many people I’d been with prior to him, which isn’t that many, but is to him. He’d got so angry once when we went to the store, because he thought I was intimate with someone I’d introduce him to.  I wasn’t.

If I didn’t answer a question the way he wanted, it’d cause a huge issue.  He’s gotten so angry at me for random things, that we’ve broken up/taken a break 2 x because of his doing; however, the last time we broke up, it was all me.
He apologized for not being there for me in the past year and treating me badly.  I think I too quickly accepted his apology and moved back in.

Now, I’m sitting here typing this while he’s sleeping.  He hasn’t cleaned his toilet in a month.  It looks disgusting.  I refuse to do it anymore.  He hasn’t vacuumed his office. I refuse to do it anymore.  He doesn’t work currently because he’s battling severe depression and anxiety, per his last counsellor, which I saw the letter.

My health has been terrible the past year.  I’ve had surgery and multiple doctor’s appointments.  He’s never gone with me to my doctor’s appointments.  He offered once, if my mom didn’t go.  When I had my surgery, he took care of me for 3 days, then I was on my own. Cleaning, cooking, for myself and him because I needed to eat.  He wouldn’t talk to my mom really when she came by.
He doesn’t really speak to my family.  He then brings up the point, he doesn’t speak to his.  I get his family is messed up, but mine isn’t.  They want to include him, but he won’t.

He hadn’t left the house in 2 years, until we broke up earlier this year, and it was forced. I was always going to the store, cleaning up and working.  Granted, I don’t pay bills here; however, I’ve offered multiple times. He would throw that in my face.

I’ve recently gotten a second job to pay off my debt and save for a house for my mom and brother, and myself, in the event I need to move.

We’re preparing to get a dog.  He told me the house would be ready by the time dog arrives.  The dog will arrive probably end of February, and he hasn’t even finished the closest, which we need because my clothes are all over the place.
One thing too that bothers me are the harsh words he’s said to me over the years. He’s apologized, and I’ve accepted; and forgiven but not forgotten.
Sometimes I think he’s definitely depressed and anxious, but it’s like I can’t be. Granted, since we broke up this last time, he doesn’t speak to me as badly as he has, but he’s still raised his voice to me.

I feel I’m at a crossroads.  When I want to leave, it’s like he knows.  He tells me it’s going to get better, and this won’t last long.  He’ll improve for a bit, but we’re back to where we were.  It’s so frustrating.

I had a miscarriage and lost a puppy this year, right after having my surgery.  I felt like that was a sign I shouldn’t be with him / have a “family” with him.  Not that we were trying.  It happened he kept complaining about not getting any, granted I had surgery a couple of weeks prior and was having complications I gave in because I got tired of him complaining.

Long story short, I told him a couple of weeks later, I thought something was wrong. He didn’t care.  Had to drive myself to the ER, not the first time, and I was told I was miscarrying.

This is only a few things, not the whole story.  I’m sure after this, people will be like, what is wrong with you?  I feel sorry for him to a degree, but overall, I truly love him. I’m afraid he doesn’t love me like I love him.

I’m wondering if I should stick it out a little longer, or if it sounds like I need to run.

My dad and my mom had a rocky marriage, from the beginning.  I don’t want to make the mistake of staying with someone that is always going to flip back and forth, and won’t continue to try and get help.

He’s dad had mental illness and he ended up taking his own life.  That doesn’t help the situation either.  I’ve tried to offer to go to counselling with him, which he declined. I’ve researched other doctors, which he doesn’t seem interested in.  He says he appreciates my kindness, but it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with.
We don’t go out to eat, or to the movies.  I feel his idea of romance is being intimate, but I have a hard time getting there because of everything that’s happened.  I’ve voiced that to him, but it got thrown in my face.

I guess I’m stupid for thinking a dog would help, but I’ve heard dogs are great with that.

Before he found out ‘about my very limited past,’ we had a great relationship / time. Now, we don’t do anything together outside of sitting at home.  He use to make digs about me going to see my family, which now he understands I’m going to do that; however, he still makes the comments how lonely he is during the holidays.  I offer him to come to my moms, and he doesn’t.

I’m afraid if we get the dog, not much will change and my family won’t be able to come over.  They don’t come over now, and that makes it hard.

He says he understands that and he’s working on it, but how long will/should I have to wait?  I feel lonely and not in a relationship, until I come home because we do nothing together.

Sorry for blabbering.  Based on the long / yet brief overview, should I run for the heels or hang in there?

I’m afraid to leave sometimes, because the last time wasn’t pretty at all. He never leaves the house, so it would tricky. It would have to be divine timing.

A Woman that doesn’t know if she should continue to fight or walk away.

16 thoughts on “Should I continue to fight or walk away?

  1. Good GOD! No matter how many times a snake sheds it’s skin it is STILL a snake. Say you are going to see your Mom and anything valuable you can without a rousing suspicion. Make a list of things that are your property and go back with another person (s) to get your things in one trip. GEt OUT NOW. This emotional vampire has sucked the life out of you and you are barely existing. A drowning victim will grab on to a rescuer and pull them under with them if proper precautions aren’t taken. Once you are out have NO CONTACT again whatsoever!!! Not one person has advised you to stay another day for OBVIOUS reasons. Sorry to be harsh but don’t become a victim wallowing in your own self pity. Go get yourself a nice life. It is NOT gonna happen with this turd in the picture. If he offs himself, it will save another’s woman from the anguish you have suffered.

    1. Thank you for your honesty. Ive been “beat up” for so long. Idk what’s wrong or right. He had some issues and I thought I could help. He was going to a counselor, then he stopped. I’m going with my mom and brothers tomorrow to get my stuff. Im ready to move on. I finally got the support and the knowledge to leave.

  2. Walk away. I lived in a volatile relationship for 9 years just like this, but I was married. Once I saw the light, after many years and many people hurt, I walked away.

  3. Cancel the dog adoption and RUN! This sounds almost identical to the life I finally escaped. Think about it for a minute from an onlooker’s perspective, or consider what you’d tell you daughter if you saw her in the same situation. From the sounds of it you haven’t been happy for quite some time. He’s throwing all responsibility and blame onto you for all the problems and he amends his behavior just long enough to manipulate you into staying. He’s not there for you physically or emotionally and he drives anyone else who might be away. You’ve described gaslighting (suddenly taking issue with your past when he’s known you for years, picking fights over nonexistent issues, raging when called out on his neglect, etc.), neglect (devaluing), emotional isolation (from him and your family), and the common raging that we all know. Don’t get a dog because if you’re like me you’ll take it so it won’t be mistreated, and he’ll mistreat it the same as he does you. My advice is move out, end all contact, and find some happiness for yourself because he is not going to change or get better. He doesn’t see anything wrong with himself, it’s everyone else that is the cause of all his troubles, and that refusal to take/face any responsibility is what makes it impossible to repair a relationship with him.

  4. I hope you can see how destructive your relationship is to your own mental wellbeing. Reading your story is like looking back on my own life. The anxiety and depression allows your partner to indulge himself in the victim role and probably give you responsibility for all the practical things in life… became a permanent excuse for my husband who was more than capable of being a productive person.
    He will not change….he doesn’t want to.
    He won’t apologise or say sorry because he will never accept his behaviour as being wrong.
    Don’t tell him just go…it will be the best move you ever make. Life and relationships needn’t be so difficult. I wish you all the best for your future….put yourself first and take his power away.

  5. The one thing I’ve learned after being in 2 marriages with narcs and having a father as one – trust your instinct!!! If there is any question of leaving, leave! That’s your answer. It WILL NOT get and stay better!

  6. I am in a similar situation and understand how hard it is to leave or the decision to go back to hell where you are tortured for everything even for being your parents daughter because even though he has not met them face to face or barely spoken to ( they live in a different country) he hates them.

  7. You sound like you are a young adult and you should have a lot to look forward to! Find a way to love and care for yourself and invite people in that do the same. If they don’t love and respect you, you don’t need them. You deserve far more!

  8. He doesn’t care one way or another. You have to pick urself up and walk away it is consuming your life ur not think of urself fuck him and put urself first

  9. Hello and my sympathy on the death of your fetus, puppy and happiness. Run for the hills. Love should not hurt this much, it can feel comfortable, exciting and fulfilling. I’m telling myself that also because I’m trying to end a horrible relationship also, with someone who makes me doubt myself and brings out the worst in me. Believe in yourself and your instincts don’t lie. Make a plan, setting a deadline and keep your promise to you. Or you are allowing him to sucks the life out of you. You already know this, you just want to make sure that you are fair and don’t hurt him but you are being emotionally abused. Best wishes, you did the right thing asking for emotional help, be firm.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I’m typing this response as I sit on my mom’s couch. I left him on Friday. I haven’t felt well since because I can’t sleep. My mom and my brother’s bed is so uncomfortable my body hurts. Not to sound trivial, but when I went back to im in August, not sleeping was a huge reason.
      Anyways, I’m planning on sticking it out. I’m hoping my brother and his wife can move me in soon because I’ve got to get some sleep. It messes with my stomach issues, which are rearing their ugly head.
      I wish you the best. Thank you again for your reply.

  10.! No pet… no family. You deserve better. I don’t care how rocky your parent’s relationship was, you can have a great one – with someone else….not this turd bucket. The fact that you even typed your note here tells me that – deep down – you know something is wrong. But because of the abuse, you have been conditioned to not trust your own judgement. Trust it. You are awesome. Leave and never go back.

  11. We get addicted to the abuse. You feel later that his abuse is better than no use. Run sister, run. They only get along with disciplined images such as a well behaved dog or a co-dependant person working for them. The moment you start to show him his flaws, he will eliminate you. He will pick a fight every day and chase you away (he is do afraid of abandonment) but it is just OK if he abandence you. They do not change ever. You will eventually end up with anxiety and fear.

  12. They say ( You never know what you are into until you are out of it). You deserve so much more! Mix cocaine addict with an narcissist and that’ who I was with. He will NEVER change!

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