She’s always telling them dreadful lies

She’s always telling them dreadful lies

I need some support. I tried to work with my Mothers NDP until I moved to China in 2014 (at 45).My son sided with her and I miss him terribly. He is now her carer (from 17 – now and he’s just turned 21). The extended family have never heard my take on things and she’s always telling them dreadful lies.  I’ve learned not to expect a civil response from any family member. I can’t write the abuse I’ve suffered. I have a successful life but I’m recovery recently from prolonged illness and mental health issues caused by years of gaslighting and abuse. The time living overseas was cut short by claims she was dying – she wasn’t, but I came back in 2016 and then she claimed I shouldn’t have come back. I’ve not lived within 2000km of her since 2015. But it’s hard. I have health problems and things get tough when I can’t work. I long for family support. Today I rang a member of the extended family (my mother’s brothers wife) – who I once had a great relationship with, to tell her I would be in her town in September. Whilst sort of polite, her disdain was obvious and she slammed down the phone in my ear. She has no idea what my life is like – the only voice is my mother’s. I was crushed. I’m really struggling and feel so alone. My last relationship was four years ago and he was NDP.  I’m capable of being totally alone – but I’m tired and have become regularly suicidal.  I love myself for the first time in years but I feel guilty for that. I ring her every few weeks only because I hope that having some relationship with her and trying might make my son contact me. He also gaslights. I just don’t want to feel so alone. I wanna know if I can love again, start again. If there’s hope.  Can you share this with members on my behalf? I need to hear stories of recovery (not matter how long it took)?

One thought on “She’s always telling them dreadful lies

  1. I am overwhelmed by the similarities in our stories, however, I have learned that loving my self means doing things differently and that means accepting what is and making the moves that bring friendship from other sources into my life and not expecting family to open their ears and eyes because of my suffering and loneliness for family support. It is difficult but nothing is going to change and asking for support only feeds into the reality that our mothers live under and with. The huge thing that I learned is that my mother will never change and her story can’t because she does not understand anything emotional except for her own needs and wants. I made the choice about 4 months ago to stop familial contact because so often I apologized time and time again for things that were not my fault and I earned the disrespect that has been given to me. There is a time to keep quiet and when you find that space you will love the freedom you gain to be yourself and not what you think your family wants you to be. I hope these words help and I believe they will because what we have been through has taught us high emotional intelligence and that means separating problems that can be solved and those that can’t. My best regards to you as each of us are strong and brilliant to have been able to get this far .

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