My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me

My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me

I would like to anonymously ask a question. I’ve been following your page for over a year now. My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me for about a year and a half (when I started realizing what was going on anyways). Physically once when he picked me up by my arms and threw me on the bed. These things have never happened before in our marriage. There was never any abuse or mind games (again, that I had realized). Over the past year he has threatened divorce many times, and I have become completely isolated from everyone, family, even friends. I stay home with the children, have no income, completely dependant upon him. Supported him every step of the way on his journey up his ladder. He’s threatened that if I leave, the kids will be taken away, and he will have unlimited funds to fight me until he wins (truth…. his daddy will give him as much money as he wants). I’ve been thinking of going to school to get a degree to be able to support myself for when this happens, but I’m always told I don’t need to, and there’s no reason for another bill. But I feel like at this point I’ve seen all the signs and would be stupid not to heed these warnings. I’m terrified, I feel stupid and worthless, like I couldn’t accomplish it anyways. I know that’s just his seeds of doubt he has planted, but how do I move my feet, and what do I do in the meantime while I’m trying to get an education, raise my children, and deal with the mental torture dealt on a daily basis to me and the kids! I want to do this! I need to!!! Please your advice is appreciated.

15 thoughts on “My husband has been emotionally and mentally abusing me

  1. It get’s worse. 40 yr veteran. I survive because I know who I am, and I like me. I don’t live for me. I’m available for the needy in my family, and I look for God’s purpose wherever I am, but I have suffered. CPTSD

  2. My recommendation is to go see a counselor who can help you sort through all this. It will slowly build your confidence and help you decide what to do. In this state of mind you are frozen in fear and probably have difficulty making even the smallest decisions. See a counselor. It will be the first step to taking back your power. He doesn’t need to know about it. This will help get you stronger and you will be able to get an escape plan in place. Also, try to start putting money aside for this in a separate account. Do not have paper statements sent to the house so that he does not find out. But please seeva counselor and find out what resources are available in your area. Good luck. You can do this! You deserve peace of mind

  3. I am so sorry you’re being abused like this. Your husband is intentionally isolating you so he CAN do this. Do you see a counselor? I would suggest you start right away. Alone. Don’t go for “marriage therapy”, go for personal therapy. Make sure the counselor understands narcissism and works with victims of it. It’s going to be hard to get motivated (but something tells me you really do have it in you!) but register for a class. Just one. Get your feet wet. And reach out to friends, family. These things alone are going to increase your self esteem. I know what happens when we become isolated – suddenly the shit coming out of the mouth of the narc becomes OUR truth too – it’s all his projections of his own self hatred onto you. Know this in your heart – he has a personality disorder and cannot be helped. We ALL think therapy will help them – I wasted four precious years doing that dance. Focus on you, what YOU need for your SELF – totally separate and apart from him. For now, make a list of what you’d like in YOUR life, and for the sake of your sanity, don’t start it with “a loving husband”. Make this about what YOU need as a woman on her own. Then take those tiny steps above towards it. Your journey will unfold for you – but you need to cut his sick voice out of your head and heart first. Hugs to you. I’ve been through this too. The best part tho – I had a couple girlfriends to whom I had been confiding and the narc had no idea, so at least I had a small support system in place. Oh, and treat yourself to a couple “free consultations” with divorce attorneys, but again, before going, ask for a telephone conversation with them and find out what they know about narcissism. You CAN line your ducks up. HE doesn’t control your mind – look, you’re already on here getting support!! 🙂

  4. Take yourself, children and any pets to the police department. File a report on the abuse and hopefully depending on the state you are in a Temporary Protective Order/Restraining Order can be petitioned by the courts. This does not cost money. Ask police if they have a female DV advocate. If so, she will help you and your children be transported to a DV Shelter. You will be assigned a Case Worker and she will place you and your children in temporary safe housing. It is very important that you utilize and follow through with everything the DV Case Worker, DV Victims attorney plus divorce attorney (that shows good faith to police, prosecutor and judge that you are not taking children away from their father and hiding them – the minor courts will notify him that they are safe) Therapists and most likely Psychiatrists advise and provide for you and your children. If you have pets there are arrangements at special non kill shelters or Humane Society to stay at.
    You do not need a dime to do any of this. No matter what, begin with either police coming to your home or you go to the station. You need to begin a Case against him.
    There are so many resources for you and your children through your state and National Domestic Hotline. It’s important that you do not make any contact with him. No communication whatsover. Your children may have to see him while supervised. Follow the Professionals directions. Do your best to not contact friends or extended family.
    Your loved ones are protective but can steer you in wrong direction that lead you back into physical danger. Your Case Worker will help you talk with loved ones. All of this is temporary to get you started. Go to as many DV group sessions. Safe childcare is provided at the shelter. If you have a religion- keep
    practicing it with your kids.
    You and the kids will have so many emotions, confusion going through you. Thats why you have therapists and psychiatrists. It takes time for reprogramming who you really are away from your abuser.

    Do not be concerned about a job or money right now. DV state victims reparations will get you funds.
    This is exactly how I began. My story is different and my children are young adults on their own. But, these steps like I’m offering you as long as you follow them- and it’s not easy at the beginning and you will cry and be depressed. I’m not going to lie about that pain. This is important that your children see you make this decision and they see that all if you will be able to move on safely. You will be exhausted. The pain is indescribable but you will get through it. I still call 24 hour hotlines if I need to talk. Those “strangers” most likely have been in your situation.
    The state relocated me when I chose.
    I’m back in my home town and state 400 miles from my abuser. I’m alive. I have my dignity. I don’t hate men. I have learned so many survival skills and have been educated through the shelters about laws. You need to make yourself #1. Thats what your kids need of you. They will follow your lead learning from professionals.
    Please do not do what some people mention on here about “running” instead. You most likely will be murdered or worse yet your children. I was told the same thing. My secret escape plan I designed with ” my team” comprised of all the professionals I mentioned went seamlessly. Yours will be different because you have minors.
    I still see a therapist at a DV shelter and a psychiatrist in my hometown. I’m almost at Survior stage. I am also volunteering and giving back. I have a job. I have my dog my abuser hurt physically. Life is so short and precious. Don’t put you and your children through anymore of this. My grown children have even learned from me and my journey. My best to you.

  5. My husband emotionally abused me for 13 years. I didn’t know that he was a narcissist until after about 12 years. I was in the same situation as you with no job and being a stay at home mother. Begin to learn all you can about emotional abuse/narcissism. Join a support group on facebook for it. The people there can help you. The more you learn about what is happening to you the more you can plan to deal with it. You are not alone. Many of us have been where you are and we know what you are going through. You can handle this and there is a way out. Do not lose hope. I will be praying for you.

  6. For my situation, I started seeing a counselor without the Narc’s knowledge. This counselor provided me with the information, courage and self worth that I was unable to find on my own. I am grateful that help was there when I needed it.

  7. hi having recently left an abuser my one major regret aside frombeing naive enoughto love him and marry him is not having a separate account with my own money in my name that he did not know about much earlier. if theres a way for you to do this that would be my advice as a friend and get a psychiatrist, you need a team to help you get out. of course you are worthy of an education- your being projected on thats why you feel inept but thats not true.

  8. You need to take your kids and get out of the house now. Even if you love him you don’t go back until after he has extensive therapy and admits wrong doing. If he refused to do this you should see an attorney for a consultation so you know how to proceed. If you don’t have family or friends who could temporarily take you in, go to a woman’s shelter or there are many live in caregiver jobs and you could work on your degree at the same time. His abusive behaviour will get worse so get out now. At least you still have a voice as you have asked for help here.

  9. Take your children and leave now. The fight won’t be easy, hopefully you can still turn to your family and friends and if not look into a woman’s crisis shelter. Do not leave your children and do not stay another minute longer than you have to.

  10. In a similar situation. It’s been 22 years together now. I kept hoping one day he’d see. One day I’d be good enough, keep the house clean enough, be skinny enough, be what he wanted! All the while I forgot who I really was because I was so busy trying to be who he wanted me to be. We also have children and now the verbal abuse has gone to them as well. We know the hurt and the pain and yet we stay? Why? I’m in the process of trying to get out! My daughter opened my eyes when she spoke the very same words I have so many times myself. “I wish he’d just hit me. A bruise will go away. Instead of having to listen to him tell me I’m not good enough. I lay in bed every night not being able to sleep because I can’t get his words out of my head!” From that moment on I realized my precious girl is feeling the same way I am because I’m allowing it to happen. Narcissists thrive off of kind and genuine people. That’s why we stay. We think they’ll one day see how evil they’ve been and we really aren’t as bad as they make us out to be. You have to switch focus from yourself to your children. You may be able to fogive him over and over and get past the verbal abuse. But your children, they didn’t ask to be there or even agree to it. We are allowing it to happen. I know it’s harsh but if you already know what you need to do, dig deep and try to find the strength to leave, for your children. They grow up up so fast. Their childhood is over in a few short years but could be left with a lifetime of mental anguish. My husband is the way he is because of how his father treated him and his mother! You are stronger than you think. There are resources out there to help you. Even if you are penniless, it’s better than living (you’re not really living by the way) the way you are. Once you realize that there is more to life than what you are settling for, a whole new world will appear for you. I think the fact that you posted on here shows that you know exactly what you need to do. Write down everything that’s said to you. Everything that hurts. Keep track of what’s happening. I had to start writing it down right after it happened as soon as I was alone, because I honestly couldn’t remember what was said. I was in such a fog! Knowing youre not alone definitely helps. Think of all the time we’ve wasted being sad! I’d rather be broke and alone than to keep feeling this way. I can not do it any longer. I pray you find the strength to get out while your kids still have time to grow up knowing happiness! With all the stress that comes with this kind of relationship, school seems impossible for me right now. How could I ever take the time for me I’d need for schooling when I need to focus on his needs. Right? (Joking) But, if you think you can, go for it! The only thing holding you back is yourself. From my experience, all the advice in the world does nothing unless you’re mentally ready to break free. It’s been two years of preparing myself, reading like crazy, researching and reading people’s posts, I was reading MY LIFE! I’ve finally realized that being alone and possibly one day being happy, is way better than staying in a place where happiness is just a dream. We’ve got this! For our kids!

    1. I did not have children with mine but I remember telling someone if he hit me I would have left but I kept thinking I could “fix it”. No one should try to fix anyone – they are what they are and if they are not who you should be with get out now and do not try to fix them! I left a nice home with all the toys, motorcycles, cars, boats etc. for a 3rd floor walk up apartment with 2 rooms and a bath. I remember the first night being there I thought if I never have more than I have right now I will be good because I have my self respect and my self love. Find that tiny piece of self respect and reach out to someone – a therapist or friend or a minister. You can get through it and come out stronger!

  11. There is help for you. Your local women’s shelter can feed and clothe and provide a safe place for you and the kids. There are programs to help displaced women get an education, maybe free to you. Get on the phone, get on the Internet and start lining up resources. put as much money in a safe place as you possibly can. Confide in friends and family that you can trust. Many of us have been through this and we got away. Get busy! Don’t wait. It usually escalates and often gets violent.

  12. Here is what you can do right now. Learn ALL of his tactics and have your awareness up ALL THE TIME 24/7. Sleep in separate rooms I slept a mattress in my kids room for a while. Learn the laws regarding divorce in your state. Call him out when he tries to pull one over you. Once in a while act crazy and DEMAND WHATS YOURS its your right. He won’t leave because you and the kids are his source of supply. I always say there’s a God in heaven who knows all and sees all He sees my tears and suffering and will punish the wicked.

  13. Leave him. It doesn’t get better only worse. I stuck it for 25 years with the sick bastard. They bring you down till you have to solely depend on them. Mine worked away from home and could always manage to start a nasty argument before leaving on a Sunday night. The reason for this was so I had to ask him for money for food. Just leave. You will feel sick to the stomach for months but I promise you it is so much better without them in your life.

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