I spent so much time trying to be what he wanted

I spent so much time trying to be what he wanted

May I ask anonymously, how do people get over a break up with a narcissist?  For the past year I have been involved in a long distance relationship that I thought was everything I had ever dreamed of or wanted.  About 6 months in, I started to realize that something wasn’t right….the way everything was my fault, I was always over reacting or creating “drama” where there wasn’t any…not living up to the expectations of what a “good (future) wife” should be.  I spent more time questioning myself than enjoying the relationship.  It got to the point where the phone calls I used to cherish having, just made me uneasy at the sight of his name on my caller ID.  The final straw was our last visit in April when he acted as though he couldn’t have cared less that I had just travelled a very long distance to see him, spent the visit putting me down and telling me everything that was wrong with me.  I left feeling numb, and angry, instead of upset.  I guess that was the first step in the right direction, but the real kicker was finally being able to really let him have it about how he had hurt me, and getting NO response for weeks, only to finally get a letter in the mail telling me it was over, that I was full of resentment and anger and doubt.  How do you get past being in love with the illusion of being loved?  I spent so much time trying to be what he wanted, that I don’t even know who I am anymore and it’s mentally exhausting…. I am devastated that anyone could be this way, and sad for him at the same time, because I can’t imagine being that way.  And of course now, as expected, I will never be spoken to again….I know it’s for the best but wow, how do you just turn it off and forget?

5 thoughts on “I spent so much time trying to be what he wanted

  1. I broke up with my narcasist boyfriend, and baby daddy of my two kids, about 6 weeks ago. And it’s so hard. I’m taking a lot of counseling. I listen to music about getting stronger. Because the longer you are away from him the stronger you will feel. And everytime you say no or choose not to talk to him it may hurt but the hurt is what is making you stringer. I always remind myself my present sadness is my first step to a healthier me. Always focus on yourself. When you find yourself thinking about him, focus on your breathing. I clears your mind. As you breathe in count and get as much air as your stomach will let you. And when you breath out say a possative word. I usually say hope and strength. Email me we can talk 🙂 You CAN do this. Do not fall into his trap of nothingness. You deserve to be happy.

  2. We ALL struggle with the narc’s ability to just “turn it off”, but that’s one of their strongest abilities – second only to projection!
    Be kind to yourself. Really educate yourself on narcissism. Coverts are the worst and quite dangerous. I’m getting free of one after 18 years of “effen” hell. Actually did rehab for trauma and codependence. Soul saving work.
    I rescued this narc’s four children from the psychotic hell divorce between their parents. 18 years later he turned on me and joined forces with three of them in scapegoating ME as the problem in their family. The fourth, more emotionally mature, sees the entire dark drama and loves me to pieces, maintaining a distance from the sickness.
    This time in your life will pass – use it for deep reflection and self care. Know you have the support of many, many others who have brushed up against this EVIL too.

  3. It’s been a little more than 7 months since I broke up with my Narc. We had been together for the better part of a decade and had children together.

    I broke up with him, because there was another woman. This went on for a while, during which time he promised me a couple of times that it was over with her. When it turned out that he was lying, I broke up with him.

    At first I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was heartbroken and litterally cried myself a river.

    I’m a very structured person and I used my routines to get me through the day and kept myself busy. But the evenings were hard, I had trouble coping after the kids went to bed.

    I thought of all the things I liked to do that offended him. And as such I hadn’t done quite as much as I liked (or at all) for a while.

    I made it a habit to start the evening with a hot shower, and a hot cup of tea.
    During the first few weeks, I re-read all of my books. This time without interruption. During that period, I stumbled upon an article about narcissism, and everything fell into place. At once, all my questions of “why” were answered, and I realised that yes, I had been abused, even though it was rarely physical abuse.

    After that, it was easy to move on. I picked up my old hobbies, got reacquainted with a few old friends who became good friends in the process and started living.

    Am I ok? For the most part, yes. Sometimes it still stings, everything Iwas out through. My love for him was unimaginable, but a one way street. He’s still in the “golden period” with his new catch, although from my sporadic interactions with them I can tell that it’s waning.

    There is minimal contact, and I apply the Gray rock method when there is. It’s tempting sometimes, to react to his “social media” postings, but I never do.

    You’ll be ok without your narc. Better than ok, once you find and/or reinvent yourself.

    1. You’re doing a great job of healing!

      If I could make one recommendation: block him on social media.

      I blocked my narc and I blocked the woman he’s been trailing around town with. At first I was tempted to look at her stuff, feel anger and sadness and inadequate and then I thought WTF am I doing to myself? Do I need to pick up where he left off abusing me? NO!

      I’m thrilled to pieces to have no idea what he’s up to or who he’s up to it with.

      Boundaries are such an important piece of the healing process!

      Best wishes on your journey!

  4. He’s making it very easy for me to deal with the breakup considering I’ve turned into a target to get everything he possibly can financially before he will leave me alone. He is obsessed with it.

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