I don’t want to have regret

I don’t want to have regret

I have been with my husband for 2 years now.  He has been divorced twice and has two kids from both his marriages.  When I found out about this I refused to get married to him but he told me he has made his mistakes and now wants his marriage to work.  So he wants to be with someone like me who is calm and patient, nice and caring.

The relationship started off very well he was so caring, nice, kind and I was the centre of his universe. One day, even before we got married, it came up in one of the casual conversations that I had a house with my brother and I had another house that my father requested me to sell because my mother had cancer twice in 3 years which I was happy to do because he was the one who bought that house for me anyway.  Plus the country they live in they have to pay for treatment.

Initially it was not an issue but my husband started making issues out of little things, he gave me 6 different dates for the wedding and everything, cancelled the wedding 1 or 2 weeks before the date.

I do realise I should have left then but I didn’t.  Six months after ignoring me, telling me how his second wife was so nice and hurting me in every way possible, he told me I am a liar because I told him I had a house with my brother but my name has been taken out and that my father was supposed to give me money to buy my house own house again as he sold my house.

My father is blind and they live in a different country he has not once met them even, he has spoken to them on the phone though.  I have two brothers happily married busy with their families.  One has been married for 14 years and other for about 7 years.

I used to cry and beg him that I have not lied had I known it was so important to him I would have told him my exact situation and that I don’t care about money and houses.  He kept pressurizing me to ask my father for money and if I won’t ask him it would mean I am a liar.

I tried to calm him down for about 6 months saying my father is blind, I do not want to do this and that we have a good relationship, both his kids and I get on well, he has a sister who is 45 and not married nor she works nor is she in a relationship.  I get along well with her and his mother.  I work, I contributed equally in mortgage and bills and on top of that all groceries, council tax and household expenses were my responsibility and  l paid for my own bills and any expenses myself.

He told his sister I was a liar and have court cases with my brother when in actual fact I don’t.  I felt embarrassed.  Finally I asked my father for money and he said he doesn’t have any but he gave me a solution for which I needed my younger brother’s help.  When I spoke to my brother he said to me that if you want money so you can please your husband because he calls you a liar you are wrong and should not be in the relationships and refused to help.

Things got so bad since then he started off by telling me my family is bad my father is an a**hole, my brother is sh*t.  He told my parents I have gone to commit suicide because they have not given me money, my parents know how I am so they did not trust him but just to be on the safe side my brother asked police to go check-up on me to see If I was ok.  He unfortunately gave my mother in law’s address who lives 5 minutes drive away from us and my address.  Unfortunately the police went to her house first asking for me, then came to our flat but since then my husband hates my brother.  He left me and went to stay with his mother.  He told me I deserve this because my brother and father were not nice to me so why should he be nice.

I was not allowed to go to his mother’s house but I went there to ask him to come home.  I stopped talking to my family as well and he left me too.

I then got to the point where I screamed, shouted and answered back when he told me my family is sh*t.  The relationships has gone from good to awful.  He doesn’t call me, text me, we don’t go out, he doesn’t take me to see his friends.  We are now on a break and he is still not calming down.  Every time I try and call him he goes on about my parents and says my father is psycho and doesn’t want me to have a good married life.  They have to either ask for divorce from me or give you money so the relationship can get better.  It is not even my money, it is my father’s money and he is still alive, I cannot force him to give me his money.

If my mother ever calls me he gets upset.  He told me if I complain against my brother and write to mortgage company he will love me.  Then he told me if I sued my brother he will love me.  I didn’t sue my brother but I did write to mortgage provider but nothing changed.

Then he complained about him to social services.  He called and swore at my father.  He told my mother off for disrespecting me when I had an argument with her over this issue.

He later accused me of hitting him and went to the police station but then took his complaint back.
He told me to swear on God and never to tell anyone but he wants to slap me on my face in bed.  I was told not to ever use it against him, it is just that it pleases him.

I have been asking him for months why he is punishing me?  Before he used to say he wants to see what I am made up of.  Then he hurts me on purpose, he agrees it is wrong but he says he cannot help it and get over the fact that I lied to him and my family did not give me my money.

He says I am a victim but why should he treat me well.  I asked him to end the marriage and he told me that is not an option because this was his last option.

He has told me he will get my parents shot and if I leave him he will not spare my family.  Whenever I point out something he has done wrong, he brings my family into it and we get into this vicious cycle. I have even tried telling him on numerous occasions that I am talking about us not about my family. They don’t talk to him or to me.  I have not seen my parents for about 16 months now.

My father suffered a heart attack and had open heart surgery.  Even then he wanted me to go to him and fight for my right.  He tells me it is not about money, it is about principle.

He has lied to me about so many things but that is fine.  If I tell him he has brought our relationship to this point where I scream, shout or answer back he tells me no it is my family who has done this.

I do feel sorry for him but I can also see it is his problem not mine anymore.  He wants to force people to change their decisions which I cannot do and he is punishing me for other people’s decisions.  I told him why when It Is his problem that he cannot get over something which has nothing to do with him do I have to be punished?   Anyway, he has taken the break forcefully, he doesn’t call, text or tell me he misses me and still goes on about my family.

I am so confused because I know it is unfair and I have been in the past and even now being punished by him for something I didn’t do.

He agreed he has abandonment issues and he was abused as a child.  He hates his mother he calls her a b*tch.

After reading about narcissism I told him he is a narcissist and should get help, to which he agreed saying my father and brother are narcissists as well.

I sometimes really want to leave and end this relationship but then a little voice inside me says maybe things will get better after the break, no matter how much I hate it.   I don’t want to regret later that maybe if I had given him his break things would have been different.  I am so hurt and feel so unloved and uncared for by him.

I lost my whole family because of this issue, I don’t have him.  I don’t have any kids yet, my friends tried to support me but they have stopped bothering as well.  I do feel sorry for him because I find it hard to understand how someone can be so angry over such a little thing which has nothing to do with him, and cannot let it go.

I just want to discuss to see if:
Is he right to be upset, my family did not give me money which he says he doesn’t even need and belongs to my dad who is still alive and blind.  Is he a narcissist?  Is there hope for me if I want to make this relationship work?  If so what should I do?

Thank you for reading and your advice.

5 thoughts on “I don’t want to have regret

  1. Your family are absolutely right even the court will believe your family than your narc partner. How long will you be awaken from your nightmare? Even the lives of your family, your narc partner wants to destroy it. It is not healthy. You need to protect your parents because you owe your life from them. You don’t owe your life from your narc partner. You “cannot” replace your parents but you “can” replace your narc partner as many as you can. Bring your narc partner to jail that is the best solution. Make cases against her.

  2. My God women!!!wake up!! Have you lost your mind??? Leave, run as fast as you can and never look back. He is never going to change, he is never going to be different. You can not reason with him, he is mentally ill, and narcs will not seek treatment because they do not see anything wrong with them. Run. Go reconnect with your family.

  3. This man has shown you who he is – believe him! This is only the beginning.

    He knows your empathy, kindness, and hope that he’ll change is your weakness, and is using it as much as he can to victimize and exploit you. Your friends may have stopped bothering because they have told you the same things and you are unwilling to listen. By doing this you are victimizing yourself far more than anything he can do.
    He WILL change – he will get worse. He doesn’t love you, he has a PLAN to take your money and use you, and as it isn’t working, he is showing you his true character. Do you think he’s sitting there missing you? Run and save yourself and your future children before you have them, and be thankful that you have found out what this man is, early enough to build a good life, and have a family who won’t be manipulated by him. Run so fast that you leave smoke!

  4. Get out, run leave it will never get better, im just going through the same thing, go while you can please..

  5. Sounds like a narcissist to me.
    Do not feel sorry for him, this man is nuts. In which dimension are you entitled to your family’s money? How can he tell you that if you can secure this money, he will love you?
    Fact: He won’t. If you got that money, he would find something new for you to do so that he could love you.

    Here’s what you should do: Relish in his silent treatment! Yes, he is giving you the silent treatment as a punishment. Take it as a blessing though. Do not contact him at all. Do not reply if he contacts you. Get back in touch with your family ASAP, apologize, tell your story and ask them for support. Not financially, emotionally.
    Get your things in order, prepare to divorce this man, run, and never look back.

    Be GLAD you don’t have kids with this man. Because it’ll get worse when he has to share your attention with the children. He will turn out to be a bad father sooner or later.
    I understand that you have made some friends inside his family that you would rather not lose. But he has already made you lose everything else. It is time to get that back, while you still can and while you still have time to make something GOOD happen in your life.

    No contact, all the way.
    As for his threats, take note, but don’t get paranoid. Narcs say all kinds of things to stir things up. If you ever brought it up in the future, he would tell you that you took it too seriously.

    Again: No contact. Resist contacting him, and resist answering him when he contacts you. Get out of that marriage as soon as you can. Even if you lose EVERYTHING in your divorce, possessions can be replaced. Years of unhappiness with a man who you can never please, can not.

    Stay strong, you can do this.

Comments are closed.

Comments are closed.