I cannot be a part of their toxic dynamic

I cannot be a part of their toxic dynamic

A question/situation I would like the group’s thoughts on…

Long story short, I fell into addiction a couple times and voluntarily gave my two children to live with their father to attend a treatment facility over 5 years ago.  I am still clean and sober.

In my treatment program is where I learned of the dysfunction in my family. I was/am looked down upon for my decisions in life and am not acknowledged by most of my siblings as a part of the family or even a person. (I am the scapegoat.)

Of course our mother is the root of it all and my siblings are still immersed in her damaging behaviour, while still maintaining their own dysfunction. I, on the other hand have maintained a physical distance from them and am always striving to stay emotionally detached from them for my own well being.

Our youngest brother died suddenly 5 years ago and I was shunned by my surviving siblings at the funeral, and from then on we haven’t spoken. I learned that they still feel anger towards me and haven’t changed their mentality.

Every year there is a memorial where the remaining siblings, and our mother get together for a weekend in the mountains. As well as an annual family get together at my deceased brother’s favourite restaurant on his birthday. I have not once been invited, nor informed of these get togethers. I find out about them through Facebook ‘family’ photos of everyone together pretending to be happy.

I had recently gotten the courage to tell my mother that I want nothing to do with her beyond my children (her grandchildren). And have stuck to my decision for the first time in my life.

Suddenly I received a text message from her asking if I want to come to the mountain get together. I was shocked. I was pleased to finally be considered and acknowledged but don’t want to go. I cannot be a part of their toxic dynamic. I can’t sit and pretend it’s okay, and smile for the photos when literally nothing has changed except me.

I find it intriguing that this sudden invitation has come after I put my foot down.

We all know narcissists will try and usually succeed in coaxing us back over and over again (such was my life for over 30 years).
What are your thoughts?

2 thoughts on “I cannot be a part of their toxic dynamic

  1. I feel like when you removed yourself from the abuse, the “fun” in having a scapegoat was taken away from them, so now they’re trying to get you back in so they can continue treating you the way they have. I wouldn’t go.

  2. You are smart to stay away. You can’t be made to feel like shit or the scapegoat of you are not around. They do not like your strength. That’s what they want and can’t have.
    Keep your boundaries, don’t cave, and be proud of yourself!!!! It is not easy.
    I’m sorry for your loss.

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