Do I give him another chance?

Do I give him another chance?

Hello, I need some advice badly.  Three weeks ago I asked my husband to move to his mother’s as the latest thing he had done was the last straw for me, I can’t take it anymore.  From everything I have read, my husband is a narcissist.  Not the extreme kind but pretty full on.  He ticks 80% of the boxes.  I have been so happy these last 3 weeks, I’m finding myself and able to make decisions for myself without attracting criticism or advice.  I went to counselling, I felt I needed an ear, I have no one to confide in.  My husband said he also wanted to go to save our marriage.  He went and now says he has been blind and is so sorry.
We are going to a couple session next week.  I am scared, because from what I’ve read, and this is the thing that I keep seeing over and over, ‘They never change…’  Do I give him another chance or not?  I still love the guy I met 12 years ago.  He was so lovely.  He changed.  I don’t know what to do.  😌X

16 thoughts on “Do I give him another chance?

  1. As you say, he ticks 80% of the boxes………..No amount of counselling is going to change him. They appear to be genuine, but when it comes time for your husband to admit to wrong doings, he will turn it around and it will all be your fault. You are the happiest that you have been for a long time, and that is without your husband being around. The decision is yours………think long and hard before taking him back. Wishing you well.

  2. Run as far and as fast as you can. If you are feelong scared then your body is yrying to tell you something. This is not good. If you are feeling grest now why would you go back?

  3. “When people show you who they are … BELIEVE Them.” – Maya Angelou
    I learned this lesson the hard way … by going back. Married for 10 years. It took me almost as long to recover the beautiful me that I lost. Take care of yourself dear. ❤

  4. I wouldn’t give him another chance. Look at how you are doing without him. No, they will never change. Chances are if you take him back, there will be some punishment along the line. I wouldn’t even bother with couples therapy to be honest.
    80% may not be the worst of the worst when it comes to narcs, but it’s pretty bad nonetheless.

  5. Mine stopped drinking and was getting counseling. He was everything I thought he could be . . . for about 1 month! Even when he wasn’t drinking, he was still a manipulative, lying, self centered jerk. He even started going to church. And when I broke it off once again, he continued to go – but it was not because the Holy Spirit was in his heart. It was just all part of the illusion he wanted to created to make himself look like a ‘good person’; AND because for awhile his being there messed with my emotions. Once that did not stop me anymore, he quit going. Point in case. Counseling helped me enormously! Keep going, with or without him . . . and even if you do decide to ‘try it again’, do it from a distance. Take it very, very slow . . . and protect your heart. Let him SHOW you the changes consistently over time before jumping in!

  6. I guess my question to you is are you willing to go through the pain for the relationship? If your answer is yes than you have your answer, if the answer is no then you have your answer. Only you can decide whether to give them another chance ……. choose wisely

  7. A difficult decision but having only just realised I have been emotionally abused for four years I would agree with the previous comments. But be careful how you drop it down to no contact because I have been put through hell almost destroyed! Stay strong and good luck

  8. RUN RUN RUN! They will not change. They don’t even believe they are a narc. You love the man he wanted to you believe he was so he could get control of you. He will be that loving guy again until he has you under his control once again. You have to cut it off completely. No counseling together. Just for yourself. Take care of you!

  9. Is he going along to counselling as a knee jerk reaction to suddenly realising he has lost control of the situation and of you? Of course, it could be possible that this has been a real wake up call for him and he’s genuinely realised how bad his behaviour has been. It can happen! However, the chances of that being true are very slim. You need to see if he goes the distance with this. You clearly still love the man that he was, so lets see if that man is still there somewhere! My advice would be to continue with counselling for now and see if he genuinely is appalled by his treatment of you, and thereby will do all he can to “save the marriage” as he put it. But keep an eye on him. One slip from him sliding back to his old ways, then sadly he is not genuine or even capable of changing his ways. Be prepared to face that fact. It may be an idea to actually tell him he’s on probation or that you’ve given him a ‘yellow card’ for now. This will make him realise you mean business. If he doesn’t take this last chance you are kindly offering him, then give him the ‘red card’and frogmarch him out of your life! I did this with my first husband. Went to RELATE and the first two sessions were fine, but afterwards he started to get sulky and stroppy like a kid making it all my fault. Even our counsellor took me to one side, apologised and said she couldn’t work with us anymore as he was digging his heels in! It was fruitless. I am happy now with my second husband who is so totally different from my first, that I wonder how I put up with such abuse. Be strong. Have hope that it will work, but in equal measure, be prepared for the possibility that it won’t. This will hopefully give you less of a shock if this happens and will give you the strength to cut yourself away from this toxic relationship and start the fresh, brighter future you deserve. Best of luck to you!

  10. I am sort of in the same boat. New to all of this. Married for 36 years. I feel for you. I am stuck where I am. But if I could run, I think I would….

  11. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t treat you well. Don’t let him back to torture you another day. I went to 3 different counselors with my ex and he manipulated all of them. If they had just recommended a book like “Why does he do that?” I may not have taken his abuse for so long. If you do go back do not get pregnant or incure any debt.
    When I had to decide I didn’t want to be any older navigating the singles world. I’ve never looked back. I am a healthy role model to my teenage daughter who asked me at age 15 “why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you”. Now she sees me happy and healthy with tons of old and new friends who care about me. I do not allow any toxic people near me.

  12. No get away from him, he will never change. Narcissistic people will never change because they don’t see that their behavior is bad . I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist and he would say all the things you want to hear to try to get you to stay, but in the end they never change. So get away from him and don’t look back.

  13. It will only be interesting to watch him try and manipulate the counselor. In my experience the N will even choose the counselor, someone who owes them a favor or is biased, in an attempt control the session right from the get-go. Then he and the counselor will try to convince you it is all your fault, causing even more damage or abuse to you.

  14. In my experience, he will try to manipulate the counseling session, one way or another, to convince you it is all your fault, doing more damage.

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