Discussion Board

Discussion Board

Narcissists are great pretenders.  They pretend to be everything they’re not when you first meet them.  How long did it take for them to reveal their true colours to you?

19 thoughts on “Discussion Board

  1. After 18 months I started to think he had “issues ” but it was another 2 years before I worked out he was a narcissist.

  2. 4 years. 10 years later(total of 14) I finally was able to tell him to get out. During that time, I went through mental murder (silent treatment), degradation, and he drove all my family away. Everything was always my fault. I was told I was stupid and when I had an idea, he would say I needed a brain to have an idea.

  3. It took around two years before I new something wasn’t right. Another three years before I found out he was a narcissist which was after the first discar. However I took him as insecure and hypocritical in the beginning.

  4. Wow it took me 10 years to work it out and it was only when her son started giving me the silent treatment that it clicked After she threw me out and lured me back several times then the penny dropped thank you google for finding out what her problem and my problem was Narssisism ! Horrible word for horrible people
    It wasn’t me it was her all the time

  5. Started picking up on the lies shortly after marriage and inconsistency in words vs actions within 3 months. After 2 years I realized he was a narcopath. By then I was so disoriented and confused it took another year for me to gather enough strength to run. That was 2 years ago and he still finds ways to torment me. He has invaded the church my family was members of for 50+ years. I’ve moved 3 times and had to move my 91 year mother out of her home and home town. But the church believes he is the best! And he is teaching new converts! I’m dumbstruck!

  6. A life time and a lot of money I paid to various doctors to be told it was not me. You can not excape if you are blood related. I will never be free.

  7. Our courtship lasted over five years and we’d also dated for a while many years before. He is a master of manipulation. Right after our marriage the mask fell off. When I asked him not to treat me abusively, he said, “it’s okay, we’re married.” I was speechless. That one statement gave me a window into his mindset. It became worse, got physically violent, and it took me ten years to leave because he was so good at rebuilding confidence. More than five years! Until I got a clue. None before, he hid his true nature perfectly. It was an amazing acting job.

  8. 27 years. I new a problem existed the first year of marriage. It’s hell getting out. I met with a lawyer and filed twice. Second time there was no turning back. Walked out the door and never went back. He showed up twice to the state I moved. begged for me to come back . No way !!! I had enough.

  9. 34 years of insane crazy spins and lies in marriage, 5 children later..the lights came on.

  10. I was married for almost 25 years before I had the strength and courage to leave. In my case, when I challenged him early on about his behaviour there was physical abuse – and of course that was my fault apparently – I provoked him – the first time was on our honeymoon. I was so ashamed. After a number of incidents over a few years, I said I would leave if it happened again. He promised it would stop. The physical abuse morphed into emotional/mental abuse. Gaslighting, the silent treatment, never letting me express my opinion, talking over me, redirecting each and every conversation to himself and all the characteristics of a narc. If I wasn’t adoring and praising him he said I was argumentative. I could do nothing right. He disrespected me and was untrustworthy. For me, because I’m such an empath, I literally could not see my way through this. However my career was really taking off and I am highly respected by colleagues and clients. This dichotomy was confusing. I sought counselling – on my own because he wouldn’t go in a million years. Through therapy I started to see him for what he really is. As well my daughters startes sending me articles on narcissists noting ‘ this sounds like Dad’!

    I’m financially independent so that helped enormously. I secretly made plans to leave and up and left one day while he was at work. It was a tad dramatic but he was (apparently) devastated. He pleaded with me to come back; he swore he would change. I stood firm. Within 2 weeks of my leaving he was seeing another woman. He jumped into a relationship. That didn’t last long and he came asking if I’d changed my mind. I had not. We are in the final stages of our divorce and I will be glad to see the end of him. It’s been an awakening to be away from him. I’m more confident and self assured now. It took the better part of a year though. I kept asking myself if I had done the right thing.

    My grown daughters supported me 100%. I’ve only come to realize since leaving the negative impact he has had on our children. I felt guilty for not having left earlier. But I can’t live the remainder of my life with regret; I wasted too many years with him, putting all his needs ahead of my own. Now I stop and smell the roses every day.
    I will say a challenge has been trying to explain why I left to some of our closer friends. He tells everyone that ‘he did nothing’ to warrant my sudden departure. While it’s been a bit bothersome and irritating at the end of the day I can’t care what other people think. I’m relieved to be on my own and living my life. If someone wants to think ill of me for having left a 25 year marriage – go ahead. No one lived with this man and endured what I did.

  11. After two years I knew something was really wrong. I couldn’t quite figure out what though. I honestly was buying into his ‘stupid’ act. However, by year three he was full blown chaos at every turn! I can remember arguing with him and feeling like I was beating my head into a brick wall. Why was his inappropriate behavior so hard for him to see that it was wrong? He was sitting and I was pacing the floor…lost in deep thought and a horrible confusion. Then, as if God switched a light on in my dark brain, I realized I had no idea who this man was sitting in front of me. I looked at him with an expression that caught his attention. I was so serious and wanting an answer. I looked him and said, ” WHO ARE yOU?” He came back with something like, “Who am I? I’m your husband.” “No…NO you’re not. You are absolutely nothing like the man I married. NOTHING! WHO IN THE H*** ARE YOU? His reply was one I will never forget…he laughed in an annoying and almost psychotic way and said, “I’m the man who played you like a fiddle, who reeled you in like a fish. I knew when I saw you what it would take to win you over!”
    Of course as soon as he heard and saw my response he changed his tune. Too late. You can’t take back spoken words.

  12. 3 years. He became even more emotionally abusive and degrading after I got pregnant. He seemed so happy about the baby, but then when I was 5 months pregnant, he kicked my 4 year old and me out. We went to my parent’s house. Then he tried to talk me into getting an abortion. He put me through Hell. He had left me for someone he knew for weeks and got engaged. 2 months later, he begged me to come back. He seemed so sincere, so I went back. My daughter was born 3.5 weeks early because of stress and trauma. I had placental abruption and I was literally bleeding to death. And after her birth, a switch flipped with him and he became even more abusive and more so in front of my kids. That is when I planned my “great escape.” I moved an hour away, back to my parents. He only attempted to see our daughter once a month or 2 when there was a family get together in his family. Now he hasnt seen her in 2.5 years and has made no attempt to be a part if her life, thankfully! She is almost 5 years old and has severe anxiety disorder. I am certain it is due to the stress, trauma, and abuse that I endured during my pregnancy.

  13. 13 years total… I’ve known him since he was 13 and I was 15. He was one of my best friends throughout high school. I’ve seen him through all of his girlfriends and he cheated on all of them, but always had excuses why and his girlfriends were always “crazy”. We didn’t start dating until I was 20 and broke up with my ex-bf of 5 years, also his friend. We got engaged a year and a half into dating. Had our daughter, when I was 23. Married 6 months later. Then everything went downhill from there. Stuck with the marriage until I couldn’t take the abuse anymore. Now we have been apart for over a year and he continues to try to weasel his way back in to hurt me every 4-6 weeks. I found out he cheated on me too, with his cousin’s ex gf. I don’t know who he is with now, nor do I really care, but he’s mooching off someone. He hardly sees his daughter and blames everything on me, still. He doesn’t like me to date, see me happy or successful and stalks me on social media. I’m in the process of filing for a separation and then a divorce. It’s been a year and I’m still heartbroken over the fact, that everything was fake. I thought he was my true love and what we had was real, because it felt so real to me. If someone hurts you over and over though, it’s not love.

  14. Does anyone have advice for a sister whose brother is married to a narcissist? “She” quickly found a reason to get angry at me, his closest sister. “She” forbids him to speak to me. That was after she pushed away his ex-wife, the mother of his two children, who had a great co-parenting friendship. “She” ran off his son. His daughter visits because it is court mandated and she feels it should happen since he pays child support. It goes on and on. “She” answers his texts for him. Should I give up on him? I want him to have a soft place to fall if he ever leaves her, but this is exhausting.

  15. I been married 23 years, two grown kids.
    I been knew something was wrong with my husband but didn’t have a name for it in didn’t take it too seriously except for the last few years . It’s crazy when we use to argue I would describe all the symptom of a narcissist but not knowing what it was. The man I married is gone, I’m living with a stranger now.
    I’m glad I have a close relationship with God, because I went though hell. I was shock what I learned it’s scary in disappointing to know this is someone I chose devoted all these years to someone who is evil, arrogant , selfish, egotistical, unfaithful, horrible human being but it explain the hell I been in.

    I would love to join your support group, please send me info

  16. 7 years and three children later, I have been trying to figure out WTF is wrong with this human! I started out by googling “lack of empathy”. It has led me to this dead end road of realization that he is a narcissistic. It has only gotten worse. I am a shell of then person I once was and he is full blown in the discard stage. It is horrible. He has even mentioned that his sense of smell is going which I have learned is a trait of psychopaths.

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