Discussion Board

Discussion Board

👄The silent treatment and ostracism have been described as ‘mental murder’ and are absolutely devastating to the target. Sadly they are tactics often used by narcissists. Have you been a target and how did you deal with it?

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15 thoughts on “Discussion Board

  1. I was subjected to the silent treatment on many occasions….Up until recently I had no idea, as this had never happened to me before I met my ex husband…….In fact to compound my confusion his sister and sister-in-law ignored me in the most public way when we went to the UK to his brother’s funeral…..again…I had no idea why as I had never done or said anything to either of them to warrant this treatment…… But the silent treatment was extremely hurtful and often made me cry as I had no idea what I had done to merit this treatment…..when I asked what was wrong – it was usually over something that was so inconsequential and innocuous that I was flabbergasted, which upset him even more……It was only after I had been discarded that I started searching for answers as to what I could have done to warrant such treatment and came across this site…It explains so much. But this whole experience has left me shattered and unable to reconcile the man I thought I was in love with, with the man I actually married……..still very confused and sad….

    1. This has just happened to me…and like you I am trying to reconcile the difference between who I thought I was with and who he is (although I don’t think he even knows who he is so chances of me trying to work that out is next to nothing). I am starting to accept this has happened and now looking at ways to put ‘me’ back together. It really makes me question who I am and where my own values lay. Why did I accept this bad behaviour and why did I move my boundaries for this man? I have no doubt that at some point I will be stronger, wiser, MORE loving and more resilient than I was before. However Im not there yet…but I will make it and I will use his behaviour to learn how to get there. Arohanui.

  2. they know how to be cunning smart dismissive
    mentally abusive all to get what they want out of you but think you need anything

  3. They can dissapear, then return or call weeks, months, or years later, with no explanation, just like they saw you yesterday. And when you ask them why, they will either say some insane, childish excuse, or “what, what do you mean”, like they don’t understand.

  4. I am the main target of emotional, psychological abuse by my 1st born child (my son) he is age 30 now. I don’t get replies or responses from texts or phone calls,.. His behaviors are random and when he does come around (usually a holiday for 2 hours tops) He also makes it a point to let me know that every word that comes out of my mouth is utterly stupid and makes me feel like I am a beaten down dog or scolded child in a corner.

    (All of this without him even saying a word) It’s all in his mannerisms. After 13 years of his treatment and me putting my foot down regarding how he cannot talk to me negatively, abusive, downgrading, etc….he still seems to have managed a “silent” way to still punish me.

    It feels as though it is impossible to beat/or overcome a narcissist.

    He has a little girl age 6, I have no choice but to ingest and hold in my opinion, I’m left to swallow the pain and wait for the next time I am around him.
    He does not work, doesn’t contribute, watches me when I am in pain with recent sciatic nerve issues.
    He doesn’t ask how I am doing, or if he can
    Help., he watches me mow,work,take care of some much physically, and he doesn’t bat an eye to ask me how I am,…Nothing.

    I give monetarily to contribute to his relationship that he is in with his girlfriend.
    (She us a high functioning nurse)
    (She’s is an answered prayer) I need him to be with her, she’s good for him and my granddaughter.
    If I make up for HIS lack by contributing, my hopes are that the burden is lighter for her and they stay together.

    However, I NEVER get a thank you from him. I can’t even get the money to him any longer.
    I pretty much have to go through her.

    I’m very aware how co-dependant this sounds, I’m tough on him and he hates authority,.. I believe it’s why he won’t be near me,..I stand my ground and he knows it.
    The money I give to him is a gift to myself, to keep him in his life across town.

    It feels as though I experience the death of my son over and over and over.
    He let’s me know I’m a bad girl by not speaking to me, bc he also knows that (words) are my natural love language.

    He acts just like his grandfather’s generations back on his birth father’s side.

  5. I’m the target of my sister-in law (my husbands sister) i confronted her because she stole some stuff from my house, this was before i even knew NPD existed. After i realized and confronted her she’s doing the silent-treatment, victimizing with her family, now everybody treats me differently; She made her son a birthday party and didn’t invite us (my husband, son and me). I thought that if i apologized it could just calm the situation because she was doing stuff to make me feel bad, but of course she pretends to be “fine” with me in front of her family but when i’m just with her she treats me as if i don’t exist. I know it’s easy as to just ignore her too, and don’t care too much, but i do and i feel like crap, i don’t know what to do, because i tried to act “careless” and it’s not working for me at all. It’s like she knows where to poke me, and somehow she got away with it… I was “the victim” and she turn things around.

  6. I’m struggling with this now. It’s working. I miss him only been 2 nights. I feel lost because I’m isolated.but don’t want to reach out to fam or friends in case he comes back. I’m alone and need to talk but I can’t tell anyone

  7. I just ended a working relationship with a narcissist. I had been helping them with my professional skills for free (only having travel expenses covered, which in my industry is standard for any work so nothing special) for the last 7 years because I thought the work I was doing was worth it and for a good, charitable cause, which was a “volunteer” organization. They ultimately started focusing on turning their charity organization into a money-making business, but they still never paid me, except for a couple of times when they paid me literally 5% of my actual rate, to which they thought I should have expressed my gratitude for more so than I did.

    They recently tried getting me to pay for my portion of expenses for another gig, and when I told them I couldn’t financially fund anything at the moment, they then told me that I was “ungrateful” and “unappreciative” of everything that they had ever “done for me,” which was baffling. I have worked for free for them for 7 years, saving them thousands and thousands of dollars and never saying “no” to any request, and the teeny payment they gave me a couple of times didn’t even begin to cover my expenses for the equipment I used and the additional travel expenses I accumulated like airport parking and dog boarding, much less the freelance work that I could have been doing on the side to actually make money.

    It was a devastating blow, but I am so grateful to be free of this person. I just wanted to share my experience here to show that it’s not just romantic relationships, but it’s also friends and co-workers. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I let it go on for so long, even when I knew in my gut they were a bad person who would throw me out the second I denied a single request for them. They were happy to brag about the new person who is “even better than me” who will be helping them out in the future. I just wish I could warn that person to stay away, but sadly, I know I can’t.

  8. It hurts my son married a narcissist now not even he talks to me . She behaved terribly at their wedding 12 months ago throwing tantrums all day . She has not spoken to her mother since that day . Now it seems I am the target of her manipulation as she has told me she may or may not allow my son to have a relationship with me . She has turned him completely against me and caused trouble amongst his siblings . My son has told me he does not want me in their lives. They are now expecting our first grandchild . I have given them money when they asked even when my wage was well below their double salary . I cannot verbally defend myself against her when her tirade comes on or she tells my son I abused her when she has said the most hurtful things a person could say. She would never answer calls telling me constantly her phone was broken . My son will not answer me now saying I hurt her feelings . She told my husband he would never meet HER child as though the baby was a possession . I am now shunned from their lives …. my biggest fear is what she’ll do Next to him as he panders after her every whim and overcompensated for her ridiculous behaviours. She is attractive , had a good job and is very flirty with men . She spends a lot of days in bed while my son works hard . It’s very frightening and heartbreaking to watch and knowing her mother also has been down this road frightens the hell out of me.

  9. Olivia, I have a similar story. These are tragedies. It’s hard to get over, I have come to accept I may never. It sounds like you and nurse/wife/mother are doing the best you can by helping one another. She may leave him anyway, though. Staying quiet about it (not engaging, getting twisted or affected, fighting) requires real strength – are you taking care of yourself in an active way? Keeping that great love you had for him alive, but for yourself? It’s hard to do, I know, especially for a mother who’s hard wired to care and protect and put her children first. My own self esteem is shot, and I really hear what you have written in all respects. There isn’t much on this site about what happens when your child is the one, so I wanted to reply. My son is 36, my only child (I raised him alone, his father is a narcissist of the highest order and has done inestimable damage). It’s so hard. Peace and Love –

  10. It is now almost 2 years ago since my ex left me. No explanation, nothing. He just discarded me after an extreme love-bombing phase in the beginning. Afterwards I have spent 5 weeks in a mental hospital and I often had the deep desire to kill myself. Well for me it feels like as this broke up was yesterday and as if I don’t make any progress at all and my mental state is getting even more weird and volatile..so for me it is not yet decided whether I can do the turnaround or not. But Imust admit that I learned really a lot about live and people. Even though it was horribly painful most of the times. It changed my whole person. And I think a lot of the changes were good. Some days I think I will definitely make it and others…no I won’t. Light and dark are oscillating and the outcome is unclear. What helped me and still is helping are webpages like this. I live in Switzerland and there there the topic Narcissism is extremely uncommon so hardly anybody really knows about the complexity. So I basically feel alone and misunderstood. All the knowledge I have about Narcissism is from hours of reading books and scientific papers.
    What also helps me are animals…just to be around them. No lies, no disappointment, no role play…I am mentally “safe” with animals..
    Meditation works also very well for me. Not always the same ones…I choose them carefully by asking myself what I need in that moment…there are loads of good meditations for free on youtube (not all of them are good but still..).
    I have lost a lot inside me through that evil experience, but I was able to keep my will, my softhearted character and my persistence. I am trying to take one step after another and not to freak out (but that’s actually what the narc wants so that he has a proof that you are the wrong one)…
    And I prepare…my goal is and I train very hard for it mentally…that if he ever dares to come back….I will play his game and at his highest point I will discard him out of the blue. I know that’s an extremely difficult and dangerous challenge and I know there are thousands of traps…but for me this is one way to find peace. But there are others too.

  11. the baby carrier is my abuser, all my life she has treated me like garbage, and still does. Here is my problem, she is having hip surgery and the carrier wants me to go to Florida in July to help her out. Let me see, did you come out to California when I had an operation, big NO, did you visit or help when I had my shoulder operated on, another big NO, did anyone in the family come or call, only one brother did… it’s not like I live in England… you have never gotten on a plane to visit me anywhere, you have not been there when I needed someone, you blame me for getting raped by the neighbor when I was 10 and beat me remember. If I say anything in this family, I am the bad person, no one will talk to me… I am truly the black sheep of the family… don’t like using that, I am the most ignored hated member in the family. the sperm donor has not talked to since 2009 or 2010, somewhere around there… yep that is the family, they don’t want to talk about real things, you can’t say what you want or express feelings that others might not like… I am not going to Florida to help, call your stepdaughter whom you say is your favorite daughter, who you love more than… you have never done anything for me, you are selfish and self-centered… You had all that money and didn’t share a dime with any of your real kids… you are the one who made a promise to help us, I never asked for a dime, but it would have helped in my life at time when so many things were going wrong, but hey you taught me one you have to suck it up and shut up… did you call me on my birthday last year big NO… you blame me because I don’t call, but remember what you said don’t blame me for anything, because you are so perfect…. LMAO

  12. I was with a narcissist for 16 years. He would ignore me for days on end and it would make me at first really sad and then I would get really mad and then he would just leave because he felt justified. Whenever I ask him why he won’t talk to me about whatever he was mad about he would always say he didn’t want to fight with me even though he never ever gave me the opportunity to talk things out with him. That was just his way of controlling me. I would walk on eggshells around him to not make him mad because I didn’t want him to give me the silent treatment and no matter what I did he would get mad about something. Usually this was his way of getting out of the house so he could cheat on me. He would continue the silent treatment no matter what whether it was when one of my parents was dying or I was sick. I had pneumonia once and he gave me the silent treatment. When I ruptured my disks once and he gave me the silent treatment then he was very heartless I didn’t understand why he would do what he did and now that I read about narcissism I know exactly why he did what he did cuz he is a narcissist.

  13. My SO of two years has completely ghosted me at this point in time. It has been slowly coming as he was working on his family to ensure my children and I were not invited to holiday dinners and gatherings, dinners out and movie for the kids. It sure hurts.

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