Am I the narcissist or are they?

Am I the narcissist or are they?

I need some advice.  I literally feel like I was raised in a family of narcissistic people.  I help and help people constantly.  When I don’t they will say I don’t care about them or that they always help me so why don’t I help them.  On any given day my sister will create an argument if I don’t do things she needs me to do or if I don’t ‘help her.’  Usually ends up in big arguments that do not stop.  I defend myself that just keeps the arguments going.  Literally any word I utter will cause the argument to continue or grow bigger.  Like how dare I speak against her because I’m wrong.  All she wants me to do is agree she’s right even after she yelled at me and called me name.  Say sorry and then everything will be okay.  I now have a boyfriend that shows the same types of this behaviour.

Also may I add when I just become silent in an argument and not talk, they both say I’m trying to be a victim. If I cry during an argument because I truly feel confused or scared.  They say I’m trying to manipulate them to make them feel bad.  They say I want control over them and not the other way around.

Help, what can I do?  Am I the narcissist or are they?

I do feel like I do have some of the traits because I was raised around it.  How do I stop myself from becoming these people.  And how do I cope with it all around me?

9 thoughts on “Am I the narcissist or are they?

  1. If you wonder if you are and you’re asking if you are, wondering if something is wrong with you….then its not you, because narcissist knows there is nothing wrong g with them everrrrrrrrrr

    1. so did I … 30 years ago, and no regrets. I had attempted suicide at 13, got away from them at 14, and I honestly believe I’d be dead if I’d stayed, because they mess with your head and your self worth so much. My self esteem isn’t very good, but I had just enough of it to run away by any means necessary to save myself and I have a nice quiet life, a stable marriage of 21years, (second attempt). Get away, only then can you sort out your own head without them continuing to mess with you

  2. It’s not you. I go through the same thing. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I would feel like I was going crazy. It’s because they put the blame on us and we take it. We need to except that there are really people that can’t take responsibility for their own wrong but don’t take it for them.

  3. Drop the boyfriend & distance yourself from your sister as much as possible sometimes it’s not easy to cut ties with family. If possible find a good therapist knowledgable about this behavior & they can help you sort it out as well as many sites online & books on the subject. All the comments above are pretty accurate & I ask myself the same thing also. Especially when I try to explain what has happened to me & talk about it then I feel as though I am the one going around talking about him. they said a Narcississt will spread rumors & bad mouth you when you try to leave. I question myself- am I the one saying bad things? Even though I know it’s the truth does it make me look like I’m trying to put him down? Should I just be quiet about the abuse? I just don’t know. He’s being super nice right now – it’s unnerving. I’m finally trying to get away after MANY years. You need to get away & THINK. What does your gut tell you?

  4. A psychologist told me that it’s very common for the narcissist/empathy relationship combo. The narcissistic one are always right, never apologizes, manipulates, controls, verbally seeks to harm empath… Empaths tend to please. Over my years of guilt, self hate, my fault if only I did things better, communicated better, I don’t know. I left my family in my native state 5 years ago. I’ve taken in many, employed them, helped get them on feet. My mom is a narcissist. Her choices, her circumstances. No, it was everyone’s problem. I’m oldest of 4. Only girl. Marriage #1. #2 was 3 boys. I’m 9, 11 & 13 years older. Their dad walked away, I was already 22. I was Christmas. I was free summer sitter, chauffeur, fetcher whatever. Constantly trying for her approval and love. My mother’s MO was the same. Call for money, get it, call me names and blamed everyone else; entitled. Yes, over the years, looking around, I was a magnet. I never attached strings but in my time of need… It wasn’t reciprocated by anyone. But my husband. I waited too long. Thought others like minded as in treating others as you’d wish to be treated. Family is unconditional love and are there for each other… Crock of shit. More a gluten for punishment. Still am. I shut down. I was all good until I became a mother at 30 a switch flipped. Love I have for my kids and the crap I got… How can a mother???? Must be me, unlovable. Common demonator was me not getting love in return from parents. My first son has a neurological diagnosis. I really became to despise my mother. Humans flawed. I’m flawed. I’m hella fucked up… My super negativity is due to 18 years of marriage. SAHM 14 years. Took leap, relied on a great man. Now my oldest just started HS 4 days ago; have been anticipating my husbands business under investigation. Informed, retained, waiting just the charge which appears inevitable. He’s gonna likely leave for awhile. My youngest 10. They will be adults. Haven’t worked in 14 years… I’ve always worked since 12/13 babysitting, Years of multiple jobs because I didn’t want to depend on another for shit. But being a better mom, home, involved etc… Bit me in the ass. Hear takes two years of hell once incarcerated. Well the unknown is too… Not charged. Holding pattern. Slowly dying.. Hard on all 4 of us; I’m terrified, alone and now mom & dad. Not strong as before but survivor mode is something I’ve gone thru obviously for the survival of my life…. I’m so terrified if I lose my mental, my kids will be in foster care… I wish I was the one going away as being a mom with years of depression is so hard on kids… Now it’s all me. The kids already showing their sadness and heartbreak. I’m heartbroken. I’m grieving the loss of a marriage. Crickets…. Those who know don’t check in ever. Those who don’t yet know will judge us and stigmatized, shunned? How my kids gonna survive? My confidence in my abilities to overcome THIS, aren’t good. My gut tells me. It’s always what I’ve trusted, relied on. I’m rural. Not bunch jobs unless I work two. Or drive into city and pray I’m employable with a gap of 14 years. I just give to God. The insomnia alone breaking me down. Future bleak. I’d never leave my children behind to others,if I don’t cope so be it. I will not suffer I promise.

  5. I too wondered. The therapist who helped me come out of the fog of abuse told me that it is not unusual for victims to begin to wonder if they are the narc, because they have been told they are the cause of the problems. He also said that if I was wondering if I was the narc, reflecting on what I may have done to contribute to problems, or searching through my own feelings, those were sure signs I’m not the narc. A narcissist will not do that. There is a quote that I recently read that has helped me to interpret my past feelings while dealing with my narc abuser. When our emotions erupt in any form, because of how they treat us we should remember …”there is no moral equivalence between expressing frustration and intentional abuse…” -Sharie Stines Psy.D.

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