I am now a shadow of my former self

I am now a shadow of my former self

I would like some tips please:

How do I rebuild my strength and stop getting sucked in by the lies (always promising to change but never does) while living with my narcissistic husband so that I can leave him? I want to emotionally detach from him without making it obvious.

I’ve been married to a man for 15 years who has many narcissistic traits. Both my parents are malignant narcissists and he’s an improvement on them. I guess I kept telling myself at least he’s not cruel like them.

He’s not violent or aggressive but he has no empathy, is completely self centred, demands constant praise and attention, never admits wrongdoing or accepts responsibility, engages in constant ego stroking and expects me to pander to his every whim, neglects me when I’m sick and drains me dry.

We have a teenage child, who is expected to pander to him and is also neglected by him.

He goes to counselling to humour me but plays the victim, has a humble façade and always manages to convince them I’m too demanding etc. He has improved since we got married but it’s been excruciatingly slow. He resents me wanting him to grow and says that nothing he does for me is ever good enough and that’s because he does nothing for me. If he does something for me like buy flowers once a year he expects me to thank him a million times; it’s exhausting. I feel like I give him everything, our life revolves around his wants and I have to be grateful for crumbs.

I want to leave him but need to get my financial affairs secured first. I have absolutely no one I feel safe sharing this with and no support. Everyone who knows us thinks I’m so lucky to have him. My health is very poor, I have major depressive disorder and Complex PTSD.  I need to get stronger so I can work but can’t seem to get better despite counselling.

I used to be a wealthy and successful professional but am now a shadow of my former self. I’ve contemplated suicide countless times but don’t want my child to be stuck with him.

5 thoughts on “I am now a shadow of my former self

  1. GET OUT! You are not doing either your child or yourself any good by staying with this man. Find a good counselor to give you the support that you need to take that first step. By no means will it be easy, but it’s necessary. I still suffer from the damage that he caused, but it’s better than living with him. Any good time we ever had was ruined by his evil temper that would come out of nowhere, over absolutely nothing. I had to finally say enough and move out when he was out of town. I took what I could and just left. He wouldn’t have allowed me to leave without either harming me physically (he also had a glock) or destroying my possessions). No fighting in court for me, but I got no financial support either. Mine is a very long story, as is everyone’s. Professionals (even attorneys) will tell you that it won’t get better. Narcissists cannot admit that there is anything wrong with them, so see no need for improvement. Counselors will tell you that they cannot be helped. Two choices: live with it or get out.

  2. Hi my name is Heather and I very much would love to speak with you. Your situation is so eerily similar to mine. I have learned so much in just the last few months dealing with my husband and seeking therapy on my own as he has repeatedly refused to join me. This has been my main goal. Getting my strength back…Reminded myself of my worth and my power in such a seemingly powerless situation. But it can be done and I promise you..You are not alone.

    1. The one thing that helped me is realizing I couldn’t do anything right for my exNarc anyway, so I stopped trying. I also realized that nothing he said mattered. I pictured him as a talking a**hole, because that’s what his words amounted to. It really helped. You are stronger than you know. God bless.

  3. I am glad to see I am not the only 1 going through this.
    It’s a lonely and isolated life with no friends and nothing to look forward to
    I also need to get out asap my 2nkids area arching everything.

    1. The reason you’re not getting stronger (as you said) is because you’re still within his grip. The only time you regain strength is when you break free of his control. It’s not easy, and the effects will still be there for a long time however you CAN live without him. You CAN be happy without him, you CAN survive. No matter how many times he may have told you otherwise, I escaped an emotional abusive relationship myself and here I am, 2 years later, growing and improving as a person, each day, every single day, without him. The ONLY reason I’m growing is because I’m no longer with him. Don’t let this person win. Here if you need to talk!

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