So lost I don’t know who I am

So lost I don’t know who I am

I got my ass kicked by my ex, a full blown narc.  What she did to me has left me empty, so lost I don’t know who I am.  What’s real and what’s not.  I can’t sleep, can’t think, I’m afraid and hyper vigilant to what’s coming next.  The sound of silence scares me to death.  I was punished in so many different ways.  Jail seems to be one.  False charges for fun.  9 years still I’m alone.  She told me she faked the whole 13 years, but she tried.  No, I tried and got more pain shoved down my throat than I can handle.  She told me the only reason for her to ever call is to use me.  She has taken me for a bunch of money, way too much for me to type.  The point is I’m on the edge of a cliff, ready to die.  I can’t get this out of my head.  I’m confused all the time.  How can someone be so cold hearted to a man that loved her more than was possible?  I’ve changed so much I don’t know who I am.  I don’t leave my house much, I avoid everyone.  I hate my life and what she has done to me.  Even after I got away, she kept coming back to finish me off, punishment you see for custody of our daughter.  Everything she drilled into my brain is so far in there it’s tearing me apart.  Please help me or just kill me I beg you.  I hate being me.  If you only knew the whole story.  I saved her life in the beginning and now ready to end mine.

39 thoughts on “So lost I don’t know who I am

  1. I know the feeling. You just have to stand strong and focus on something positive instead of all the stuff you went through. I know that’s easier said than done. I even see my ex’s name and my heart starts pounding and I go into panic. But then I remind myself that I am not who he said I was. No one else in my life ever treated me that way or talked to me that way. No one else thinks I’m this horrible person he has tried to convince me I am. So now I take it a day at a time. Sometimes and hour or a minute. When I find myself freaking out I turn on music or do something to ground myself like washing my hands or taking a shower. And I research. I learn more about the narcissistic person. I see his exact pattern now and know what he will do before he does. Don’t let anyone take your life from you! You can be anyone you want to be. You can be the good person you were before the other person started chipping your self worth away. Stay strong! One day at a time! There is someone out there for you that isn’t psycho. And now you will know the sign to look for and if you see them in someone you know to run. Head up! Just keep breathing!

    1. Exactly true what you say…research and understand the NPD and you can predict what they will do next before they even do it…it is healing for what you’ve been through and give you power over them do you can walk away.

    2. Well, my friend…..been there, done that …only God can give you peace…find a church…small group…and let yourself HEAL…they will torment you till the day you die….NEVER give up….I am alive to this day just to give YOU this message 🙂

  2. i have just gone through exact same and feel the same 14 years almost 15 year show can i contact you as i would like to help if i can. Im in the same place as you i have educated myself and i know what happened to me how can i contact you my friend as i want to help anyone i can in this situation as the pain is so deep so unbearable let me know how i can contact you.

  3. I know exactly how you feel. You have lost everything you thought y I u knew about yourself. I have been a hermit for the last two months but i have been finding myself. A different person to the person i was before a better person. Hang in there you will get past this. So whst you need for yourself. The time now is about you. Know there is support.

  4. OMG you poor poor man, best advice I can give you is to go to counselling, cut all contact and I mean all contact with her. Sort out the access to your child through solicitors. GET A BARRING ORDER against her coming near you. I know how destroyed you feel right now. I also feel that you want so much for it all to stop I did too. You can do it and you will get there I promise you that and you will in time. Like you I’d lost myself in all the controlling abuse, I’m 3 years on and life is getting better all the time. STAY STRONG YOU CAN GET THERE X

  5. You are broken and the thought that someone would do this over a long period of time and also have a child with you just leads me to think they have no control. No sane person would do that . You will go inwards to try and understand this , but you never will. You can move on and put it behind you but you will be looking for the signs. It will take you a long time purely because of the insidious way the damage has been done. Try and remember you before the abuse and remember that NArcs prowl,these sites to learn. Good luck fellow survivor.

  6. As men, we’re not supposed to get abused by defenseless little women. I was so shocked to find out I was not alone. I wasn’t just pussy-whipped as I was called by my friends. I knew I couldn’t just “get over it”. Yes, I had the 357 mag in my hand, ready to pull the trigger. I’ve been there, brother. But then she’ll win. And the only losers will be your family and friends. I lost my brother to a malignant narc. Don’t let her win. The reason you feel the way you do is because you CAN feel.

    It’s not your fault and you can heal.

    Those two facts kept me from pulling the trigger. Education and my family gave me reasons to heal. I’m not there yet but a work in progress.

    1. Your post is awesome. You ARE “there” – now you’re reaching back to help pull others towards the light. Give yourself the credit you deserve. We’re all works in progress as we journey through this life, except narcissists. They are broken and will never heal – so be it.

  7. My heart goes out to you and you are not alone. I know things seem hopeless now but it WILL get better. Please hold on and don’t give up. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 23 years and am still fighting to get things cleared up per our Divorce Agreement. He keeps dragging everything out to keep me on the hook and to make me miserable. He has done that for long enough and I will no longer allow him to have control over me. Don’t let her have control over you. That is want they want and what they get off on. They enjoy watching us suffer and inflicting as much damage and pain as possible. Don’t let her win! There’s a book called “Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie and it has helped me so much. There is also a website http://www.psychopathfree.com. I am still a work in progress and have a ways to go but I promise you it does get better with each passing day. Think about your daughter. You don’t want her to grow up without her father. She needs you!! Please hold on! YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE!! Better days are coming!!

  8. I understand exactly what your going through.

    I was where you were. I still have anxiety attacks when a memory is triggered.

    What has helped me is thus page. Reading the story’s and articles and gaining a better understanding of the narcassist and their behaviour.

    Also counselling. Talking to a professional/working through my feelings and having someone guide me back onto the right track.

    I took out a protection order against him. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever find but the relief I have now that he can’t abuse me any more is immense. If she is still abusing you I would highly recommend you take one out against her. It will stop the contact legally and give you some relief.

    I’m not sure what country your in but in Australia you can add certain conditions eg; in my case we are selling the home so I made two conditions eg; can only contact me via text/email in relation to the property only & can come to the property between certain hours with 12 hours notice and me agreeing via text/email. These were to allow him to complete some work on the property ready for sale. If he came there I vacated.

    If there is no need for contact eg; no children then my best advice from someone who has been exactly where you are abc I’d now 6 months down the track is absolutely NO Contact.

    This is the only way to recover.

    Also only focus on the positives in your life. Eg; even watching movies or programs on TV….. Watch comedies and uplifting programs. Reconnect with friends & family…… Do more of what you like to do eg; any hobbies that make or used to make you happy,

    It’s not a quick process & to be honest no matter how supportive people are fur you the grief/moving on with your life is something only you can go through/do.

    It’s only 6 months for me and 8 weeks since I took the protection order. I was where you are now……. The last 8 weeks have been the best I’ve felt for years. I am back to smiling, laughing with friends and enjoying my life again,

    If I can do it so can you……. X

  9. thank you for all of the replys . I’m in a bad space and the wall is closing in. The worst thing for me is the being alone all the time. friens and fam are all gone. Nothing but sick thought run thru my head.. Time i think up new way to off myself just to pass the time. No one is coming for me . No one wants a broken toy. people can see that i’m a fucking hot mess. No woman is ever coming for me. 9& 1/2 years now and still nothing but empty life. No way i’m making it much longer. Un wanted and unloved with no hope . WOW what a life . Have no life she stole everything and did so with that DAM Smerk on her face. I HATE THE SMERK FACE!!!!!! I’m dead anyway.

    1. If you are feeling suicidle, antidepressants are a way to keep yourself alive. Mindfulness is your next tool. You must try to stay mindful at times during the day. Your thoughts, and endless re runs of the previous film is taking you under.

      I left my psychopath ex four years ago. He is still bullying me to this day. He stole money off me, has smeared my name, he is a pathological liar, trys to turn my children against me. Divide and conquer. All that crap. But; I went on antidepressants because I thought I may die as well. He took everything away from me. Gave me complex ptsd. I had no friends, was completely isolated, I thought everyone hated me, because he was always telling me things people would say about me.

      I am still on these tablets, and I now have some good friendships, stability, and the anxiety, paranoia and fog I was in, is disappearing every day. You need to let the fog go away….! These people throw a fog in front of your face. Crazymakers. They do this by making you feel like you are the crazy one. And please, don’t ever save anyones life again. I saved my exes life, and it was the worst thing I ever did. They prey on kindness.

      Lastly, go and get some counselling. You need to take make a plan of how you are going to survive in this time of mental anguish. Doctors, counselling, slowly begin interacting in public places, maybe a short walk each day, read books on mindfulness, and thought stopping.

    2. Ken, I was in this position 2 months ago. Not as bad as my time with the NARC was only 3 years. Myself and many people have found help with the Quanta Healing.
      Go on to MELANIE TONIA EVANS site, she is an ex NARC victim and has created a help group. I promise you it will help. There is a free webinar and total support. It really helped me and I found and kept many friends in this group.

    3. Ken,

      I too am where you are at now. My now ex of 15 years, left me for another woman. It’s like those 15 years with me never existed for him. I am less than nothing to him, not even a memory. Just like you, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, only lonliness and darkness. I’ve lost the person I once was and honestly believe there is no hope for me to find love again, because the damage that has been done has left me broken inside.
      Everyone says time heals, but I don’t want to spend years in pain while he happily gets on with his life.
      If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. Everyone needs somebody to lean on in these times of heartache and despair.

  10. The feeling of emptiness… The hollow emptiness… I’m there too man! It is intense… No contact helps.. And remember to respect yourself. Remember who you are without her. Don’t shut out the truly good people in your life. The soul knows how to repair itself so try not to focus too much on recovery, rather meet up with friends and family who make you laugh and smile and take comfort in the realisation that although there are emotionless horrid people in the world there are also heroes, loyal, brave and compassionate people too! And if you are creative then paint or write a song and let it come out! Meditation has helped me also. Deep breathing. Let the other person keep their poison. You don’t need to drink it anymore. Good luck

  11. Please stay. This world needs people who feel. Take one day at a time. It is difficult to carry out the smallest day to day functions when you feel so broken. Live in the moment. Push yourself to do whatever will help you feel better no matter how small. I promise we’ve been there; you will heal too.
    I am a strong advocate of counselling. It helps to organize your thoughts. You will find that you had the answers all along, but couldn’t see past all the emotions. There are a lot of free or less expensive counselling resources.
    If you are feeling that low; go to the hospital.

  12. Been there, done that. He did the same and worse, I tried to die, so hard I tried, but it was not to be. I will never be the me I was but I will be me, a different me. I wont tell you to be brave, soldier on, it gets better because nothing I say will help. Find a good therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse, I did, it helped me understand , well enough to at least try and put the pieces back together. The nights are the worst because being alone with your mind is a dangerous place. I wont ever love again because I cant ever trust again, but it does get better, its a long slow painful process and one day I might see the light at the end, until then its two steps forward and one step back on a good day. 🙂 Good luck my friend, remember one thing, you did nothing wrong other than to love, trust, believe in someone. Time to get out, go for a walk every day, play solitaire, it makes you concentrate on something else, sit in the sunshine and watch the clouds. Write it all down, from start to finish, document everything, have proof, get proof, then look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that your still you, battered, bruised, scared, but still you in there. You find the pieces of you that are left, one piece at a time and put them back together, they wont fit at first but gradually they will mould together and you add new bits. your better than her, nothing like her, you have a soul and a conscience. eventually you will get back to being you, different but the same in many ways.

  13. Hi you have to understand that what you feel is normal after a break up with a narc…we all feel alone afterwards but what helped me is reading and joining the help groups that I found on fb and through Internet sites…everyone says focus on you but I know it’s hard and we all think we will stay single forever while they move on…but keep reading and remember it’s not you with the problem because people don’t treat people like that and never admit to doing it that’s their character and just be glad you ain’t like them…keep talking it don’t matter how long just keep talking to these groups as the people on here have gone through so much and understand as they helped me loads…I still read posts and comments daily and it helps…stay strong and take your time

  14. Hi Ken
    I lived 30 years with a narcissist and didn’t even realize. All I knew was that I gave and he took. Two tears ago I recieved a text message meant for his lover and my world fell apart. I used many of the same phrases you’ve used. I was lost. I had no identity. I couldn’t sleep, decended into depression and darkness and finally took myself to emerge in crisis. It’s two years on and things are looking better but I was with this man for 33 years in total and again, I did not know he was the one with the problem. I was made to believe it was me with the problem. All I can say to try to help you is that if there is any way you can get to a therapist do it. I’ve been in therapy and on medication since almost the beginning (of the end of the relationship ). I don’t think that you should go it alone. I’ve been suicidal, I’ve experienced panic attacks but things do get brighter. I’m still not ready to start any sort of relationship, but did, like you, worry that no one would ever want my damaged self in the beginning. As time goes on, and you begin to reclaim your lost self, the loneliness and fear of being alone passes. Unfortunately this doesn’t just happen. We’ve all been terribly damaged and we have to put work in to make it happen. Just like you put everything into trying to make your relationship work you have that motivation in you to now turn it around and help yourself. I realize that, satistically, it’s more difficult for a man to ask for help so coming here was a great first step. Step two is to find yourself a mental health professional, preferably one who works in an emotionally based platform. It won’t be easy. It won’t be smooth. But it will be worth it to be free. And finally if at all possible No Contact, No Contact, No Contact.

  15. I recognise your cry of agony and confusion, 16 years for me, and I’m Still in his hateful web of misinformation , lies, manipulation and casual cruelty

    It’s impossible to go completely grey rock where there are children and money matters

    What has helped me is grieving his death, not his actual death, but the death of the construct that was my husband, he never really existed, I grieved the loss of the man I loved, the man I had dreams and futures with, now I deal with a stranger someone else entirely

    I went to counselling to understand there is nothing wrong with me, there is a huge amount right, I am caring supportive loving giving and nurturing and that’s why he chose me. I just have to learn not to choose creatures Like him because of my need to care for broken things

    You will come out of this, but constantly revisiting the what why how of the relationship will drive you mad, replaying the hurtful things she said will hurt more

    Remember every day narcs lie, they lie about everything, so when they say cruel things they are lying and it’s just designed to hurt, it’s not real it’s not true unless YOU let it be true

    You are bett than this and your child needs a parent, don’t allow her to be the only influence in your child’s life otherwise she will destroy your child, if you can’t be strong for you, be strong for a your child

  16. Google Melanie Tonia Evans and start listening to her amazingly helpful information and get the focus back on yourself and healing. Find a 12 step program like codependent anonymous. No one rescues us; we rescue our own little broken selves and then begin to heal and grow. There’s a place in Bowling Green Kentucky called The Bridge to Recovery – I spent four weeks there and there are simply no words to describe the healing. You are so not alone in your experience.

  17. Sounds to me that you are suffering PTSD… Go see your GP and explain how you feel… In between times educate yourself about narcs.. You can never have too much knowledge !! You will have to be strong but you will realise with knowledge how we are manipulated controlled and that you are not at fault in all of this!! I was with mine for over 30 years and in the process of divorcing him which is another story, but my advise is don’t be hard on yourself , learn to love and trust yourself and try some selfcare… Next NO contact !!! I have been through hell but think I’m coming out the other side and knowledge is definitely what helped me ! I wish you the very best in your recovery we’ve all been there at some point and totally understand your confusion, desperation/ devastation you are feeling but don’t let them have the rest of your life ! Be brave be bold be strong xxxx

  18. Ken….I read your story and it broke my heart. You have read all of the replies, my situation is the same story. I wanted to post what I did to recover.

    I was crying, depressed, empty….destroyed by the man that I loved more than any other man in my life. Same as you, his love was fake.

    I have found that healing can be hard but it needs to be worked on everyday. I am going to tell you what I did but I will say on occasion I still feel sad. Step one is forgiveness. Narcs have a mental illness. I had to forgive him to get the hate out if my heart. Not for him but for me. I forgave but I will never forget. It has taken a huge weight off of me. I then decided that I have a life ahead of me and it’s not over. I started a journal. It’s great because you can see your progress. I choose to have a bright future and to be happy. It is a long road of hard work but you can do it.

    I joined every positive, motivational group that I could find on Facebook. The daily sayings help me to feel better. When I find one that really hits home, I save it and go back to reading it over and over. Some I have even framed and hung over my desk at home or write them down in my journal. You need to realize that nothing is wrong with you, it is them. Now when I see him I just feel sorry for him and really sorry for the women that he is with.

    You can make new friends and start to build new relationships. Join clubs with activities that you like or try something new. You will start to feel better. I am now in a new relationship. It feels great but I am still working on trust. It has been the hardest part for me.

    I hope that this has helped a little. It is almost like AA, one day at a time.

  19. Best advice i can give you man is to read. Read. And then read some more. You feel this because you are human. You are real. Your ex is not. Nothing about them is real. Philippians 4:13

  20. Sounds like you’re in a state of post-trauma. Makes sense: the effect of what narcissists do is psychologically not so different from surviving a war. OK, first breathe. I know it sounds simple but it does make a difference. Long slow breaths. Next try to stay calm if you can. Talk to your doctor. If you’re having a panic attack it may be appropriate to have some xanax with you at all times. Other anti-anxiety treatments might also be appropriate. Doesn’t nean you’re crazy, just that you survived a trauma. Anyway figure this part out with your MD. Next: a good therapist. There are ways to heal but only a professional can really do it right. Take comfort in knowing that you are not the first or last person to feel this way, that there is a well understood process and a lot of good progress ahead. And know that you won’t be in this alone once you assemble your team. Again: step one is breathe. Step 2 is make an appointment with your doctor. Do both of those right now. Literally right now. And while waiting to see your doctor keep going to work or school, keep exercising, watch a good movie, eat comfort foods if you have an appetite. You might not. That’s OK too. Try to be good to yourself. Take this seriously and you’ll come out of it OK…OK?

  21. At this point remember that you must help your daughter. Direct your focus for now on her. Get into counseling and find a counselor with experience helping people who have gone through your hell. You get to interview & hire then, they are working for you, choose wisely. You are worth the effort!

  22. YOU CANNOT LET HER WIN !!!! The best revenge is showing her that you are not broken from this……dont let her win. From what I’ve read, narcs thrive on seeing people suffer, it’s their high.
    4 yrs ago, I got cancer. I was the primary parent for my then 12 yr child, so after get the devastating diagnosis of cancer, I had to leave the child with his father, we were already divorced. I went thru some of my treatments at the hospital and rehabilitation centers, I was away from my child for 2 months, very difficult for me to do, but I did it. When I finally got to leave said hospital and rehab, my ex wanted me to stay at his house, so I didnt have to be alone, and my house was up for sale before my illness. It was very weird and akward being there, but I wanted to be close to my child……anyways, my ex did a dr jekyll and mr hyde on me……took me to court, 10 days after finishing chemo, got temporary custody, took the child support away, and wanted me out of his house and gave me 30 day notice, but changed his mind and made me leave within 24 hrs, ALL after just going thru 6 rounds of chemo….I had NO WHERE TO GO. I ended going to a homeless shelter…….talk about being broken and devastated, my world fell apart. I, no one else, rebuilt my way up from the bottom, it took 7 weeks but I found a room to rent that I could afford, b/c I had to go back to my part time job, otherwise no health insurance.
    So, what Im trying to say is, even though I was recovering from my chemo treatments, my child was staying with his dr jekyll, mr hyde father, I had to rebuild my life back up and so can you……get counseling, I found journaling writing very helpful, it gets everything out of your brain.
    I hired a Lawyer, got my visitation that I wanted, got the child support back, found a better apartment, and 4 yrs cancer free, and still occasionally have to deal with said ex, but I TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME…… PLEASE, PLEASE dont give into her and dont let her win, your child needs you……and FIGHT YOUR WAY OUT OF THE BOTTOM, AND REBUILD YOU LIFE BACK UP, YOU CAN DO IT !!!!!

  23. I feel your pain. .. I hate this heartache and loneliness you are having, ,, I have often said the same of my home… my kids keep me breathing, , I pray for you , no matter your beliefs, , I hope that is alright, , cause I’m praying, , I realize praying is also a struggle because, ,why does this happen to us..? Hold tight to your life, , don’t give her th hat satisfaction or let her weep false tears for you,, because she was able to destroy you and finally own you.. love your daughter no matter what the mom does remember she is living threw the same with her mother.. be there to help her… guide her. Don’t leave your daughter daddy! ! Don’t let her defeat you,,

  24. I know exactly how you feel sweetie!! Been there, done that!!! Me and my narc were married 24 years. 1 year after we were married we had a son. I knew by then I had made a big mistake!! He drank all the time, and did drugs whenever he could. He was my 2nd husband, my 1st husband and I had 2 kids, he who rand around on me with anyone who would go to bed with him, even my best friend and even women I had to stand next to at work. I left him cause he moved in with the town drunk and whore!!! I forbade him to even see the kids which he honored, but my 5 year old son kept having severe diahrea and vomiting all the time. This went on for about 6 months my son went from 70 lbs down to 30 lbs. I was so scared he had cancer, I called his pediatrician and made an appointment. The 1st thing his pediatrician told me was ” you took his father away from him”, I said yes but he is living with the town whore and drunk!! He told me, “I don’t care who he is living with, give him back his daddy”!!!! So I did, and my son healed, but now here I was in another mess, married to a narc and I had our son. So I decided to stay with my narc husband to protect my son. His family was all narcs, liars, drunks, his brother a bad dope addict, and at the time the courts were big on dual custody. So I was afraid that when he had our son for 6 months, he’d be exposed to all this crap, so I decided to stay with him to protect our son. 24 years, and I will tell you I was right where you are now!!!! Everything was my fault, he lied to me all the time, played horrible head games with me, drank, did drugs and whore behind my back!! He would tell me he was physically hurting all the time so he could get prescription drugs and abuse them, take 5 or 6 at a time, he also used to buy pm pain relievers and take a whole handful to get a euphoria high. Anyway he had me so messed up I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I left him in 2008 and we divorced in 2010. I was going through the same thing as you are, I even went to counseling to no avail. I kept asking my self and God, what is wrong with me!! I too was lonely, confused, figured I wasn’t good enough for anybody else, lost all my dignity and self worth. I had no friends, none of them plus my 3 kids were grown by now, and none of them understood, and neither did I till I came across this Web page about narcs!!! I started to read them, and it was like a light came on, and I just came across it about a month ago!! So here I was separated from my narc for almost 9 years, and have just found out that he is a narc, and it wasn’t my fault after all!!! I suggest you stay with this Web page, find a good Bible teaching Church and I also found a group called Celebrate Recovery!! It is awesome!!! The 1st night I went I learned something I’d been wondering about all my life!! They are all over the U.S. different churches sponsor it, and they meet on different days than when church is in. Our town’s meet on Friday nights. Anyway they are an organization who help anybody who is hurting, weather you are a drunk, drug addict, the spouse of one, or you are hurting like we are!! You don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want to, you can just listen, or you can share, whatever you feel comfortable with!!!! I know without a doubt that God led me to this Web page and Celebrate Recovery!!! And oh yeah my ex keeps coming back and calling me, and I used to feel so guilty if I didn’t talk to him, but now I realize after 44 years of mental abuse from 2 husbands that it isn’t my fault,and I finally realize that they are narcs and it doesn’t matter how hard I try, they are not going to change!!!! My ex was just down here 2 weeks ago and yes he made me feel like a piece of crap again, and after he left I decided that this Web sight is right that you have to do no contact whatsoever. I too am a work in progress, and I thank God for this Web site and Church and Celebrate Recovery or I’d still be a zombie!!!! A special thank you to this website for enlightenING me, because before I stumbled onto it, I didn’t even have a clue, and was nothing but a zombie!!! I sure hope I have helped you, please, please just take one day at a time, and let God heal you, because you know what? YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!! God bless you, and hang in there my friend!!!!

  25. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WD8mLkIyIcA

    I promise that if you watch this video and then find Melanie’s others on youtube – there are around 62 – you will start to feel much better, very quickly. Melanie Tonia Evans has healed thousands of people and has been through it herself too. She’s an amazing speaker and teacher and has a unique method of explaining and unravelling the situation. Please trust me and have a look. Best wishes for your future. There is one I promise. x

  26. Anonymous!
    I am so sorry for your trouble but i have to put another angle on this! Can i ask what are the views of people when the tables are turned? This is excatly what my ex classic narc would say to turn it around on me! I am no way saying this is the case here but it just rang a very real Bell for me x

  27. Please stay.
    The world needs more people like you who can feel deeply and authentically. Please do not give in to her murder-by-suicide agenda: imagine her smirking then! Don’t give her the satisfaction! If you let her destroy you, she wins. Please don’t let her defeat you, though it may feel like she already has. That would be the ultimate gratification, the ultimate “win”, for these hollow, unfeeling creatures who merely mimic human emotions in order to use, betray, and destroy–having programmed you to annihilate yourself so she can walk away smirking, with “clean” hands and no accountability. I know that it hurts unbearably: this may sound absurd to you right now, but cherish your ability to feel that pain, emptiness, grief, and congratulate yourself–it means that YOU ARE REAL and CAN feel deeply, which that creature is not and can not. She is not real in the same sense that you and I are real, she is a hollow shell in human form and does not have the ability to truly feel even her own emptiness, all she can feel is the bottomless hunger to use others’ love-energy and suffering to try and fill that emptiness in her…which cannot be filled. Don’t give up, don’t give in, NO CONTACT: don’t feed the soul-parasite!
    And don’t forget your daughter. Your daughter is watching and living all this, too. Like you, she is also a plaything and source of supply to your ex. She needs your protection, your wisdom, your experience. She needs her father alive, present, now and in the future.
    BREATHE, keep breathing.
    READ, keep reading, here online and books; about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, malignant manipulators, emotional abusers, psychic vampires, soul loss, about trauma and recovery from life-threatening trauma (“Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion if Identity” by Marie-France Hirigoyen is one I’ve found that speaks of the unique subtlety, graduality, and insidious sadism of this particular sort of abuse.) By trickery and charade, she stole your life-force, your power: FIGHT BACK!–never forget that knowledge is power–read and remember your own power, then take it back.
    REACH OUT, keep reaching, online, in line at the supermarket, any and everywhere. FaceBook has many groups for victims and survivors of this specific kind of abuse that will also lead you on to further resources. Seek group support and individual counseling, specifically for victims/survivors of sociopaths if possible, and look into therapy for Complex PTSD (C-PTSD): that is what the feelings of fear, confusion, panic, grief, loneliness, emptiness, agitation, hyper-vigilance, insomnia, exhaustion, isolation are.
    I have found WRITING very helpful: letters to self, testimonies to an Imaginary Advocate of all the wrongs done to you and what she destroyed and stole from you big and small (your love, your trust, your innocence, your reality, your friends and family, your sense of emotional safety, your favorite tea cup, your comfiest old flannel shirt, a photo of you and your gran when you were 6 years old–they seem to enjoy making off with trophies that will hurt you on every level–etc.) as if you were giving testimony in a court of law; notes to self to stick on the bathroom mirror or fridge, lists, plans-of-action; writing letters that you DO NOT SEND to your ex. It’s really helped me release a lot of the pain and anger and clear my thoughts and feelings of the choking chaos, confusion, and obsession. Let yourself cry, scream, get really angry, rant, rave, revenge fantasies, get it all out, then WRITE it all down (then burn it if that helps purge it!), but be careful to PROTECT YOURSELF and DO NOT SHARE any of it with anyone you can’t trust absolutely, especially your ex.
    TAKE CARE of and BE GENTLE, PATIENT, AND KIND to yourself. Eat even if you don’t really feel like it, even if for now all you can swallow is chocolate cake! Healthy fresh foods and vitamins really are helpful, alcohol, tobacco, too much caffeine really are not. Listen to what your body is telling you it needs to heal. Rest and relax your body and mind as best you can, even if you can’t sleep. Warm baths and showers to comfort and cleanse yourself and your soul of the taint of her.
    Do whatever you do to NOURISH YOUR SOUL, on a daily basis. Bible, walking meditation, church, mantras, uplifting soothing music, mindful breathing, a yoga class or video. Read inspirational things online, watch uplifting and funny videos if you can. When you feel the darkness coming for to overwhelm and engulf you, watch silly pet videos on Facebook, YouTube is a great source, even if you just watch old Chaplin or Marx Brothers movies and film clips. Deliberately and lovingly cultivate your ability to smile and laugh, your silliness and sense of play, your sense of the ridiculous. Assiduously avoid downers!
    Get out into NATURE, make yourself get out of the house, even if you only get as far as sitting on your front step: feel the sun, wind, rain on your face, and BREATHE. Go to a park, a public garden, get around the sea, a river, trees if possible.
    If you feel alone and can’t trust or be around people right now, be around ANIMALS: consider fostering or adopting a dog, cat, pet rat or goldfish to care for. Maybe there’s a dog park or animal rescue shelter near you. Go there even if you just sit alone and watch: take my word for it, it’s really hard work to keep feeling quite so awful and alone around the energy of a bunch of goofy dogs.
    You can do this, step by small step, day by day, moment by moment, if that’s what it takes. None of it was your fault–you were deliberately hunted and preyed upon by that creature precisely for your human qualities that she lacks: the ability to feel love, compassion, empathy, a conscience, a desire to help and to give of yourself, all that makes us humans instead of demons. And keep NO CONTACT–please don’t feed the demon!
    You can heal, you can be whole again. Be a Warrior for life, light, love, and laughter.

  28. I feel your pain entire as I can relate , right now ! My Narc made up lies and has me and my children thrown out of our home and displaced and has manipulated me . I don’t know who I’am anymore
    My white flag is up !

  29. Hang in there you have to relearn all about you and the kind of person you had become before meeting the persom that made

    your life so very complicated

  30. Stay for the kid. Once you realize what you will do to protect the kid, you’ll realize that if you can protect her, you can protect yourself. It’s easy for you to do right by the kid, you deserve the same for yourself.

  31. I want & need to say,Thanks you for the replies . 37 in all. 7 days ago i decided to let the “Reaper ” Come for me. went on top of a Mt. sit in my truck for a long time , Hating my life and all the SHIT I have to deal with. Was and have been thinking about my EX Wife ,not the Narc we just shacked up. I was married long ago. WE divorced and 2 months later she was shot and Killed. Shot 3 times point blank range by a asshole with a SKS RIFLE. She died for nothing . I came back from texas to the trial of the asshole that had shot & Killed my ex. I saw Our home and where she was shot all of the crime photo’s , She was so shot up , He shot her in the Head 3 times . there was NOTHING left of her head & face & sholders. I see it alot can’t get that image out . I never did really grieve for her the way i need to,had to keep that hide. thought about my mom who is also dead. waited 3 days to be able to go to the morge and only had about 15 to say my goodby as she was being taken to portland. I was heart broken when she died My Narc jumped in the truck with me to go say goodby , She was drunk like always and picked a huge fight on the way to my mom. Let me say it was HELL. She took my moms death and made it about WTF i got no idea, She took my mom dying away from me . Got even better when I reached the morge. Though about my daughter , I do love her . This is not about her. I though about alot of bad shit that has happend to me , guns in my face, how i tryed to save a Boy from Drowning and Dying , But couldn’t. Tought about how alone i feel, how Fucking Empty my heart is. I feel Soulless. Thought about how i wanted to be with a woman again and almost 10 years now .NOTHING. thought how i would’nt have sex again. See my Narc Used Sex as a Weapon, a way to control me. Always saying yes then pulling the plug . would start sex get going the Jump up and say shit like NO N O you need to learn not to mess with me. Or just never give any. Tell me i need Help i’m a SEX addict. God no wonder i don’t want to live anymore. I won’t bore you with ant more of my Endless Drama. My point is this, I thought about all this endless shit and how I just can’t get clear of any of it and the every day crap as well. NEVER STOPS. I put a hose and rag in my tail Pipe of my pick up put the hose in the cab with me and just Thought How in the Hell did i get back to this point again. I have pulled the trigger the first attempt, gun faild to fire. This time i would just pass out and Die. As i sat there chocking on my Death , I though i herd my nepheu Jon . He died at 26 to cancer . Hate cancer. What i though i herd was Go Home uncle. I am So Beat up from pain i never knew even excisted. Embarrassimt Shame i can;t discribe. Wish i could hang my self right now. I didnt die on that Mt , M y rag had came out and i lost my prime on the hose. TO be alone , lonely Un wanted and unloved. the Narc called it, told me i would never find anyone better. Never found anyone. I’m a big guy , tall broad shoulers , not to bad of shape for a 50 year old.Still have all my hair and teeth, Yet UN Wanted. I am a HOT MESS, I just can’t do it anymore . Even strong Man get Tired. Hopeless. You See This is just a taste Of MY Crappy LIFE… Thought about a lot of thing. I am trying I AM So much in my head its Loud . Wish i had a good life , GOOD WOMAN, GREAT SEX AND A CLEAR HEAD….. KEN IN OREGON.

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