What should I do?
Sorry it’s long winded pleas bear with me. I’ve had no contact with my NM now for nearly 8 years, at the age of 31 my boy being 2 years old it hit me it was like a switch, I don’t want or need her BS in my life anymore and after trying to use my son against me that was the end. After lots of abusive messages and emails telling me I was the one in the wrong and telling everyone who would listen that I was an awful daughter etc., which I ignored she drifted away, she moved and moved again so I couldn’t find her (which made me laugh because I wanted NC).
Now over the last 8 years I have found out more of her lies and evil… at 12 years old I found out by them having an argument that the man I thought was my father in fact wasn’t (which although was extremely painful to deal with it explained his coldness towards me). She then refused, until I was 27 years old, to tell me who my biological dad was. When she did tell me she was kind of forced into it as I had contacted her step father (my grandfather but had no relationship with), asking for info and explained she refused to tell me. She gave me a name, where he lived and the reasons she didn’t want me to have contact (of course he was abusive physically and mentally to her and she was scared of him and wanted me to have nothing to do with him because of this, she was protecting me).
I, knowing my NM lies permanently set out to find this guy. I found him eventually and slowly we began to build a relationship, it was amazing I’d finally found someone who loved me my dad that I’d craved and wanted so bad as kid and adult but it all started to go wrong after 5 years there were things that were said that didn’t make sense. Eventually I got some truth…my NM had written him a letter when I was 16 years old telling him I had died in a car crash! Obviously he was devastated at the time and had grieved! So it was a shock for him when I got in contact but he choose to not tell me what my NM had said but obviously it came out. It made me feel sick to my stomach why would she do that? Pure evil!! So after a rocky few years with him, I asked him to do a DNA test (just had that gut feeling) DNA came back 0%!!! My world fell apart, after 10 years of thinking he was my dad I find out he’s not. I felt guilty and extremely sad for him she had stopped access to him from the day I was born, moved and moved so he would never find her then the letter when I was 16 then me turning up at 27 to then find out when I’m 37 that actually I’m not his! Communications stopped between us but he did give me a few names of men it could of been, and turns out she was the local bike and it could be any one of 5 men, 3 of them do not want to know they have their own families and life and the other 2 have not replied. I was angry, heartbroken just an absolute mess, so I sent a copy of the DNA to her work place with a note asking her for correct info. I then receive an email from her telling me she owes me nothing, it was all my fault she’s gonna get lawyers on to me for slandering her name etc. I ignored that and did nothing else that was a year ago but now I feel I cant let this go, I want her to know that I know all about her lies and the hurt she has put so many people through by her evil, I’ve thought about writing it all in a letter sending it to her, I just want her to hear what I have to say. I’m not after contact at all but feel angry that she can get away with treating people like this! Would you write a letter? Go to a lawyer? What are you suggestions/advice on moving forward I’m at a loss on what to do next. 💔
5 thoughts on “What should I do?”
Thank you for your story. Wow. I am sending you hugs and can feel your pain and frustration. I am your age and involved with a N woman now and have thought about possible events taking place like this in my life. I don’t have much advice but I do suggest that you find and place healthy people around you and try to improve your surrounding environments that include healthy functioning people (whatever that means). My heart goes out to you.
I truly understand your need to feel love and acceptance from someone, namely a “parent”. But DNA does not make someone a loving, caring, attentive parent, as you well know from your relationship with your mother. You have heard the saying “Be careful what you look for…”.
I am adopted and I sought out my birth mother several years ago. The scenario you play out in your mind has very little chance of becoming reality. (I have had no desire to contact her again.)
Surround yourself with individuals that love and support you and your child. They don’t have to share your DNA to be “family”.
I hear you wanting belonging and acceptance with a real family member which is not available to you. The years of hurt/frustration comes through. Write the letter but do not mail it. Keep it. Journaling will help you sort through your emotions. I see the grief. Treating yourself as a grieving person, going to free grief seminars through funeral homes will help, and treating yourself kindly will go a long way. If you have any adult male relative or friend who is trustworthy, then try having a friend relationship with him. The family relationships you crave is not available to you so a substitute needs to be found.
My mom is also a narcissist but yours sounds like a special kind of evil. I TOTALLY get you wanting to write her a letter or addressing all of this in some way. I’m 45 and was married to a covert narcissistic sociopath. His extreme evil opened my eyes to my mother’s. I won’t bore you with my details but I too wanted to write her a letter calling her to the mat but I don’t think I’ll do it. For a couple of reasons, not only will she do
As your mother does, turn it all around and blame me, she’ll use it for more evil toward me and I’m not giving evil people my time or ammunition to attack me anymore. What’s great for me, I went on to be a fantastic mother. All of her evil made me highly aware of hurt caused to a child and so without even realizing or trying NOT to be like her, I wasn’t. I wasn’t at all. My girls are 19 and 21 now and are amazing people. Good and loving and responsible AND they love me to the ends of the earth. Do yourself a favor, keep up stuff like this. Get specialized help. Talk to people who understand – and sadly they’re a lot of us. Share your story and try to help someone else. God gave you your life and circumstances because he wants you to do something good with it. But aside from all of that, be a MOM! Be the best damn mom you can be! Be the mom she never was. I’m my mom’s minuscule breaks from evil she tells me I’m the best mom she’s ever met and that my girls are the most well adjusted people she’s ever met and when she snaps back into her reality, her disdain of the mom I am is like watching someone trying to swallow a horse pill. Knowing she knows I’m a good mom inspite of her evil is the best closure I could ever ask for.
I say leave it alone. You can’t make her do what she does not want to do. It seems like she does things to keep a hold on you. I know it’s hard but giving her attention makes her think she has you in her grip.
Comments are closed.