Enabling
THE BYSTANDER IS AN ENABLER
‘In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.’
Martin Luther King Jr
‘You may choose to look the other way but you can never again say that you did not know.’
William Wilberforce
An enabler can be described as a person who enables another to achieve an end, especially one who enables another to persist in destructive behaviour by providing excuses, concealing bad behaviour or helping an individual avoid the consequences of their behaviour.
How many people do you know who see something happening which they know is wrong and do absolutely nothing about it?
Have you seen people who know that abuse is taking place and they turn the other way?
Enablers fall into two categories, those who know that abuse is taking place and fail to do anything to prevent it and those who have been sucked into the narcissist’s deception and fail to see what is happening. The first category are undoubtedly guilty of being accomplices when it comes to the pain and suffering being endured by the unfortunate target of narcissistic abuse. However, the second may not be so culpable. They may not be in control of their own lives and may be bonded to or have been brainwashed by the narcissistic individual.
It is the first of these two categories that I want to take a look at, the person who witnesses others being slandered and abused and fails or refuses to take any action. Their failure to act and take a stand at obvious wrongdoing allows evil to spread its wings and continue. Good people need to stand up and be counted. They need to stand together and let abusers and evil doers know that their behaviour will not be tolerated.
‘What we allow will continue.’
By doing nothing, the wrong doer will not face the natural consequences of their actions or words. Research has shown that a disordered individual will not see the need for change unless they hit rock bottom. When enablers pander to the abuser’s every whim and do not call them out on their behaviour, they will never get to that place where they know that they have got to do something about their monstrous behaviour. Inaction of good people will enable these toxic individuals to keep on doing what they are doing. The pressure to enable may be intense, with the abuser often using manipulation tactics to get their needs met. Don’t be fooled and stop making excuses. Get a backbone from somewhere and do something.
Enablers often rush to clean up the mess left by a relative or friend whose anger has boiled over. Are they helping? Definitely not. Leave the evidence intact. Let them clean up after themselves. When they have calmed sufficiently, let them see how their actions and behaviour have affected others.
‘Short term pain vs long term misery.’
Unfortunately many abusers are not aware of their own mental state and their need of professional help and therefore have no compulsion to receive it. Enabling shields the person from awareness of the harm that they do.
‘The narcissist’s fan club will change over and over as people come and go. The lifespan of a flying monkey in the narcissist’s world is often limited. It’s a mug’s game. They are expendable and will be replaced when they can no longer be controlled or manipulated or when they are of no further use.’
As we know, the narcissist is on a never ending search for narcissistic supply. Where this supply comes from, is of little or no interest to them. Vulnerable or weak people often find themselves unable to stop facilitating a disordered person. They remain bonded with this toxic person, finding those bonds impossible to sever. Of course, there will be other loyal little soldiers who will do anything to please the narcissist to serve their own questionable plans.
Written by Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
6 thoughts on “Enabling”
Thank you for sharing this article with us. It is extremely timely for me and it’s helping my resolve and dealing with the individual who most recently inflicted a lot of pain that was not deserved.
My egg donor gets worse and worse with age. She is legally banned from contact with My teen due to severe emotional abuse. My child has an anxiety disorder because of her. We went through six years of court. She is running six websites centered around what a lying little cow my daughter apparently is. Back to court we go. The family totally enable her, deny the abuse. She has built up a false version of events and now they have stopped sending my child cards and gifts. The she has lost half of her family. They won’t listen to me, conversations consists of them screaming at me. There is so much more. Like her sending gifts to my rapists children. Some grands are incompetent and are a serious danger. Mine does all she can to get close to young children. She has physically abused two and mentally abused a third. She should be banned from accessing kids, as a set offender would be.
I am truly confused around this whole matter. When I was 17 my ex was 32 he had pushed me down on his mothers bed by my throat. His mother then pulled him off and proceeded to ask me what I was doing to her son. For the following 8 years I stayed with him, this involved much more abuse such as a knife to my throat etc.
Before I left he trashed all of my belongings and covered them in blood and vomit. But according to his mother I pushed him into doing the above (I wasn’t even there, I left him over the phone)
Recently he returned via text message (10 years after I left him – he is now also a father himself) as per usual I became sucked in (not proud of myself) but he is very good at what he does!
He then began talking about sick sexual fantasies and asking for naked pictures etc.
So I found his mothers number and told her what he was doing via a private number. His texts then stopped.
But the part that sickens me now is that he will have her beleiving I am once again the whore. Will this torment ever leave my mind?
At 17 what were you doing with the 32 year-old man not that it was your fault but some adults around you should have seen that that was a problem I have a daughter and a son that would have never been allowed I myself would have found the sob and kicked his but
I could count as an enabler then, but it is relative!! Like in my case,icalling him out on his abuse!!!! for years.But then he even worse.Problem, in my town, Youngstown,Ohio, the domestic violence support group etc, i searched for years- Not helping in a wasy.I am 65, very sick, and very poor, my Soc.sec, enough to pay the bills, but if i need transportation other then doctors, no help,or if neec clening suply,or something need to be replaced,even a lightbulb, i can not afford, No family around, so many more obstacles, churches here, ?sad but they don’t care if somebody not hitting you, nobody care, thousand of us from facebook gave in petitions, to change the law system, but nothing.So how some victims can not be so called “enabler”?(sorry for some typing error)OH and i hate to be around him after 7 years, since at least in the beginning he admitted and “promised”he change his abuse, now he can calling me names, bully, see i am crying depressed, sad, etc, but 2 minutes later he say he treating me nice. or i am for years daily/hourly have knot in my stomach, throat from stress
I had such a huge problem with enablers.(his parents). Good people who bail him out when he kept losing jobs. Let him move in when he was evicted from his residences. Now they feel the need to step in when he can’t fulfill parenting time. They really don’t supervise the kids. Two of mine were abused-one physicially and the other ..well she’s taking an ssri now because of the anxiety and trauma she suffered now her father wants no legal rights to her as a parent; he’s already casted her out. Why? Because she came forward and no longer keeps his secrets? Because she no longer considers him her parent? she still refuses to talk and see him or his enablers now (it’s been two years since she was assaulted) . Now it’s how can she recover and move on from the bad memories he’s created for her. And for me-im just waiting for the day until he makes another decision to neglect her other siblings (he’s in a roll-hes already screwed up 3 of his five kids ..with a few step children along the way). But it’s ok according to his enablers , right? cause they are always there to pick him up when he falls and they have been doing that for 45 years. That’s a long time isn’t it.Do you think their son will ever take accountibility for the poor decisions he’s made?
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