My Closure

My Closure

‘So many people want closure from a narcissist.
YOU DON’T NEED IT FROM THEM.
What sort of closure can you expect from someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler?
Give it to yourself.  Pull down the shutters and bolt every door so that they never open again.  Let them toddle off into whatever hell they have created for themselves.  You’ve got your clarity and you know it’s better this way.  That’s your closure.’
 

When a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, many people find that they can’t move on with their lives until they find some sort of closure.  Closure is not going to come from the narcissist.  It has got to come from YOU.  There will be no, ‘I’m sorry, I treated you badly,’ or ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’  Narcissists like to think that you will forever be under their influence and control.  They don’t care if you’re struggling and find it difficult to move on without any form of closure from them.  They are not going to feel any shred of remorse for the way that they treated you.  In fact, it’s very likely that they will blame you for the demise of the relationship.  (You didn’t treat them with the respect that they deserved.  You didn’t give them the attention they craved.  By now you probably get the picture.)  A relationship with a narcissist is not a normal one by any stretch of the imagination and the ending will be no different.  That final curtain may fall with such shattering speed that you don’t know what’s hit you.

Sometimes there will be no rhyme or reason as to why you have been discarded ( I prefer the word, liberated ) or abandoned and they have moved on so quickly to their next target as if you never existed.  Such a callous discard will have you questioning your self-worth and wondering if you ever meant anything to them at all.

Trying to find an explanation and closure from a narcissist will cause you more pain.  They will never see things from your point of view.  They are experts at re-writing history.

Finding closure starts with cutting the narcissistic individual out of your life in the form of no contact.

You have got to let go of the thoughts of them being the person you once thought they were.  They have shown you their true colours.  Don’t try to paint a different picture.

Many people, in their desperate struggle to get some form of closure, write, text or email, pleading for answers only to be met with silence.  Their lack of empathy and compassion will never have been more obvious to you than it is now.  The narcissist will not be feeling sorry for your anguish but what they will be doing is relishing in the supply you are providing and their power over you.  Your pain will show them just how important and significant they are.  For your own well-being and as a matter of holding on to your self-respect, don’t pour your heart out to such a selfish individual.  Show them that you can do just fine without them.  Your indifference will cause them a narcissistic injury which is what they deserve.

Researching the subject of NPD is a good start.  It will help you to understand why they behaved in the way that they did, that the problem is not you and that they are destined to repeat this pattern of behaviour with each and every person that they encounter.

In my own personal circumstances, after being no contact for over a year, I decided to send an email.  I know that this is not advised when one looks at the ‘rules’ of no contact but each of us has to do what is right for us as individuals and this was right for me.

There were things I needed to say.  I did not expect or need a response.  Below are some extracts from that email.

‘…Your behaviour because you were not the centre of attention, was one that one would expect from a five year old.  The emotions of a man of your nature have not matured with age.  They have got stuck somewhere in your childhood and sadly that is just the way you are and will always be.
 
I have been told that you have moved on and found someone else.  I would like to wish you all the best and hope that it works out but I won’t because I know that it will end just like all the others.  You are not capable of a deep and lasting love.  Your relationships will all turn into dictatorships and if they have any self-respect they will run at the first sign of manipulation and control.’

(This relationship didn’t last long.)

‘When I found out what you said to my daughter at Christmas 2012 when I sent you up your Christmas dinner and I had the flu, I honestly couldn’t believe that someone would be so cruel.  In case you have forgotten, I will remind you.  You said, ‘it’s not a bit of wonder your daddy did what he did.’

(My husband had taken his own life)

‘Why such a callous remark?  That was truly a despicable thing to say, even for you.  When I have told people that, they have all said that I am better off without someone who could say something so cruel.’

(My son had initiated a tribunal case against him)

‘The lies you told didn’t surprise me.  I honestly believe we would have won the case but there was so much work going on in the house at the time that I didn’t need the hassle or the stress so it was better to walk away.  However, it did give me some satisfaction when my son received a cheque for back pay and the Revenue informed us that you had been fined.  Justice was done in the end.
 
You know that I saw you stalking me at the farm in June.  I don’t know what that was about but I can tell you that I am very happy there and so are Ben and Asia.  (My two horses.)
 
I came over to Tenerife in May / June to see the dentist in Los Abrigos and had to come back for a few weeks now.   I know last year …..(his son) told people that I was over here stalking you when I was staying 20 miles away.  When I found out I sent him a text saying that if he pushed me too far that I would see him in court.  That still stands.’
 
He bought an apartment in Tenerife a few years ago and I was told not to go back to the area.  I let him know that if I wished to return to the island, I would.

‘I know you are probably ripping your hair out now by some of the things that I have said, but I really don’t care.  You said to me the night of my husband’s funeral, ‘I am not a bad man Anne.’  You know, I believed that for a very long time and felt sorry for you because you had never found happiness in your life.  I don’t think you ever will.  I know that I am not the sort of person who can be happy hating someone but I know that for a long period of time I was very close to that……

I don’t hate you now but I don’t know that I can ever forgive you.  Maybe in time.  I hope so.  That would make me the better person if I can.  The reason I have sent you this letter is for me.  This is my closure.’

It is heartening to know that some time later others initiated Tribunal cases against this man and won.

This worked for me.   This chapter of my life is now over and the book is firmly closed.

Written by Anne McCrea

Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon

Amazon UK

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10 thoughts on “My Closure

  1. Wonderful letter…one like I would’ve written to my narcissist. I put up for way too long all the passive-aggressive behavior and silent treatment. Best of luck to you in your new and happy life!

    1. How can i separate regular abuse buy set in their ways by narssistic abuse? How can a I know for sure he’s a narssist and not just a cocky a hole? So lost

  2. Sounds like an absolute asshole. Love the letter. You can imagine the rage when a narc gets a letter like this. Ha ha

  3. While I love many of the things you write the letter really isn’t on the top of that list. I know, I am the different one. I’m glad though that it gave you closure if that’s what you really needed. The part of the letter I thought was not particularly needed is the whole visiting that area that you visited and that you would visit it again etc. …..sounded a bit childish and an attempt at one-up-man-ship but I know the ‘game’ when you’re dealing with a Narc. My narc is a DIAGNOSED NPD, I know rare, right? But he is and still I didn’t leave ………took me 5 more years to do it. Total years spent, eight years. I’m in therapy now due to it and it’s working out well. Good luck to you

    1. We all have to do what is right for us as individuals. My purpose in making this particular point you refer to was to let him know that he no longer had control over where I should take a holiday. He owns an apartment in Tenerife, not the island! By telling me that I should not return there, he was trying to have control of someone who no longer wanted to be a part of his life.

  4. 27 1/2 yrs. 4 kids (16, 14 1/2, 13, 8), and a business. He left 10 months ago. We talk everyday, we do still have sex. All 4 kids choose to live with him. It feels like yesterday still, nothing has gotten easier for me. I absolutely need closure. I have poured out to him. He calls me crazy, lunatic, foolish, stupid, annoying, and more. He is in tinder and chats with them, takes them out, has sex, gives them his time, gives them positive compliments and attention, flirts, jokes, has fun. I don’t understand. That’s all i ask for, and it doesn’t cost money…he is big on money. Blames his leaving on the fact that i stayed home 16 yrs with the kids and made no money. Blames his leaving on the fact that i am not ok with him treating others better than me…he says they don’t do this (meaning being hurt and bothered over what he does). He says i don’t bring anything to the table. I ask what they bring and he says nothing. So i ask why they get all the positive and he says i do nothing to deserve it. I just want to know why they matter more and get his time and attention when his kids and i dont at all. I want to know what is better about them. I want to know what is so horrible about me. I did everything for him and the kids, took very good care of him in every way but financial. I want what he gives them. Everyday has gotten more difficult, not a thing has gotten any easier. I’m sick of hearing move on, forget about it. Lol smh everything I’ve ever wanted husband kids business. I used to be so strong. I am embarrassed to admit how weak lonely and horribly hurt i am. I can’t focus. Sometimes i stay in bed for days. I’ve lost weight and gained. I cry on and off all day everyday. I lose my breath. I’m always nauseous. Short of breath, shaky, dizzy, forgetful, physically in pain head to toe. And worst of all, hurt, betrayed, and so very confused. No contact, no closure, easier said than done. No family, friends are no more. He was it. Even his family who has been on my side for years have not even attempted to contact me since he left. It’s just me. He took everything away from me, and is now trying to get me out of our house we lived in for 16 years. That will be the last thing i have. I just don’t understand any of anything.

    1. Sweet lonely love, you are undervaluing your life, who you are and what you could be. Your basing your worth on his need of you. We can get out of this hole by taking care of our needs ourselves. You need to find activities you enjoy and allow you to explore who you are outside of all tht pain. Please fallow me on my own journey on Facebook at The Waters Way. Look it up!! Let’s do the work together.

  5. Trying to figure out weather he is a narcissist or just an abusive ass is hard. I was cheated on and treated poorly in my marriage if 7 years and we ended it so when I found my boyfriend (sons dad) he made me feel like I deserved way more in life then what had been delt to me. He even told me that. Took my car and traded it in for a newer one said the kids n I needed it and made Facebook posts of how much he loved me…..until I moved away from everything I had to be with him. I even expressed my concerns of moving and not having a job but our son demanded attention that the drs and him wanted me to give so I did because he said that’s what he wanted me to do.?It’s all gone down hill. I believe it’s been over a year since he kissed me, I can’t ever do anything right, i clean too much but then I don’t clean enough, I supposedly lie, he used to make me feel as tho he can’t sleep with out me and now it doesn’t matter weather I’m there or not, i can’t be on my phone or I’m accused of hiding things, not allowed to leave the house when in an argument but he is, I turn on the air conditioning and I don’t care about the electric but I don’t turn it on and I’m selfish, I’m told he’s tired of me using him when I try to get a job I’m told I’m selfish because i would be workingbtobpay daycare. I don’t think he’s ever once apologized. I called the police over an incident that he deserved but because he blacked out he said that’s not what happened, I called them one other time because he took my vehicle and said he sold it and the police said there was nothing I could do, that time he was also following me around the house with his camera on his phone recording everything I said and did as well as making up lies while recording. It’s a lose lose battle every single day. He says he’s done with every fight…but I know it’s impossible to separate with out him trying to ruin my life with no regards for my kids. He honestly feels as to he saved me because I was a single mom working every shift I could to make sure my kids we’re taken care of when no it wasn’t the life I wanted but I was fine doing it and doing it alone. Now I am told I can’t pay half the bills and I can’t take care of my kids on my own when I know I can. He says if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t pay the bills but weather I’m here or not he still would. I want more then anything for him to go back to the man he made me believe he was. When I tell him that I miss how things were with us he says the newness wore off and that I’m too insecure. He would rather get himself off then have anything to do with me also….maybe once or twice a month. I’m at a loss n he’s so mean, vengeful, and hurtful when he says he is done and tells me he’s going to shut off the utilities and take everything in the house. I’m at a complete loss

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