I am beyond depressed, gutted and broken

I am beyond depressed, gutted and broken

I have had a hard time accepting who my ex is.  I went through all the narc phases with her and now of course after the final discard, I am beyond depressed, gutted and broken.

To top it off I just found out she (who basically cut off our sex life before she dumped me) is totally sleeping around.  Something she would look down upon when she was with me.

It’s so hard…I literally was with her last week and she cried when I cried and said she thinks about me and misses me…then the next day it was like she was back to her old cold self.  Saying I am not imagining a connection, but she doesn’t want it.  Told me we can’t hang out because she knows we will get back into a relationship (which is like ok….that means you know we have a strong connection) and she just doesn’t want a relationship,  just wants to be alone!  But she is actually having meaningless sex with people!  I don’t understand.  Is this normal narc behaviour!?!

We have a connection and yet is doing this and doesn’t want love!  Who doesn’t want love?  If we hang out, we would just end up back together (which to me means she has feelings…and feelings are a good thing).  And  after all of that, saying she needs to heal from me… and then right into it was, “don’t think about me, don’t care what I am doing, don’t care who I am sleeping with…move on…goodbye.”  Talk about a HUGE mind @#$%.  I want to disappear.  I have a huge void and even though the girl at the beginning was a polar opposite for the girl and the end…this void only feels like it can be healed by her.  I am so lost.

3 thoughts on “I am beyond depressed, gutted and broken

  1. Believe it or not, we all feel like this when we are at the end of the rope with a narc. Its like they have taken all the good that was in you and left you broken.
    But time will heal you if you can manage to take thing one minute, one hour , one day at the time. NO CONTACT. Its the only way. Im sorry. Its like quitting smoking. The first days are the worst, you feel pain, wants , you become delusional, only focus on the positive of the what if! Stay focus on you.
    You know the story of the 2 wolves fighting? One is good , one is evil and the grandson asked who wins the fight? And his grandfather’a answer is : the one you feed!
    You are not lost and broken. You are on the path of recovery. Stay strong and remember : she is not worth it, you are. No time to waste holding on to trash(garbage) and hugging it. Big hugs

  2. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this heartbreaking experience.

    This person whether she is a narc or not is not capable of loving anyone at the moment. She sounds full of self hate which means of course that she is using her body and sex as a futile attempt to experience intimacy. Just as she did with you. Sex to her meant something different than it meant to you. It sounds like she is on a road of self destruction.
    There is nothing you can do to change what she has decided to do with your relationship as the person at the beginning of it has disappeared and never really existed.

    You will be feeling a terrible void which is natural as you gave yourself to her body soul and spirit, and it will take time and a lot of work to undo that and reclaim the parts of yourself that you have lost. That is the grief that you are feeling not the loss of her, but the parts of yourself that you need to get back to feel whole again. The loss of self that these relationships with people who are void of love have on healthy people cannot be understated. Often the effect is the same as being intimate with an emotional vampire who sucks the life out of you – literally.
    Remember who you were before you met her, that is your true self before you were sucked into the vortex that she created. Be true to your doubts that you had at the beginning before all the seduction. Whether she has ‘feelings’ for you or not has nothing to do with a loving relationship. It is actions that count and they speak louder than any words – patterns of behaviour even louder! Releasing her from your heart and letting her go by an act of your will and not your feelings will set you free.

    You sound like a loving caring man so don’t sell yourself short and go and find a woman who is worthy of a mutually loving partnership who deserves your love and is able to return your love.

  3. This is exactly what i went through but he kept me hanging on for over a year with promises he knew he would not keep and lies about what he was doing and who he was sleeping with. All the, i love you, trust me, i just need some space for now, etc etc etc. 4 years later and i am still not over the betrayal, the pain but at least have moved on, i dont think i could ever trust a man again and live a quiet life with only family and close friends but at least i am content within myself and enjoy living alone. They really do not realise just what destruction they leave behind..

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