Everything in our relationship centred around him

Everything in our relationship centred around him

My ex and I dated for 18 months. And although that is just a short amount of time, we were in a crazy, whirlwind romance that started quickly and moved fast. The red flags were there from the beginning, after only a week of dating I found nude photos on his phone from a woman he claimed was ‘just a friend’. In addition to the nude photos, he constantly told her how much he loved her. All of this while she was married with two kids. That was the first red flag. When confronted with this information he stormed out of my house, he left. He came back to talk to me about it and I fell for his lines immediately. Narcissists are charming and use their words wisely. After that the hits just kept on coming. One night while driving home from dinner, about 1 month into our relationship, he asked me if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him right now. I said no, that we had only been dating for a month. He turned into a man I had never seen before, he told me that it was over, that if I couldn’t say yes to him right then that we had no business being together because he was looking for someone who didn’t question anything. I should have known right there and ran for the hills.

This is how things continued for us for a while. He would have too much to drink at a fourth of July party and leave our house saying “this isn’t working, I’m going to get a hotel room, I can’t do this.” I never knew what set him off or why he stormed out, but one thing he always did was come back. And one thing I always did was let him. He left about three or four more times after that, always coming back the next day. This was usually fuelled by alcohol. Along with this I dealt with him always texting or Facebook messaging other women. He was a heavy flirt, constantly pouring attention on to any woman that would give it back to him. He always told them inappropriate things like “if I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go to bed alone.” He always told me I was overreacting or didn’t know what I was talking about when I would finally get nosey enough and look through his phone. He was very protective over his phone, changing the password, not letting me use his phone if I forgot mine, etc.

Everything in our relationship cantered around him, we did what he wanted to do, he did what he wanted to do, and he very rarely joined in on family activities or anything that involved my family at all. Getting him to take a trip to see my sister was like pulling teeth, and it being brought up usually resulted in an argument. He worked from early morning to evening, I’d cook dinner, he would eat dinner and usually fall asleep on the couch. Very rarely did he help with cooking or cleaning or anything that involved our house. I would pay all the bills with my check and then have to ask him for money to pitch in, which would also usually result in a fight. He would throw some money at the problem but he never even knew how much the rent was or how much the water bill was. I pulled more than my fair share of the weight, it was always me putting in all the effort and him putting in none. And anytime I tried to bring any of this up it resulted in a fight and him storming out to go get drunk and returning home at 2 a.m. with “I’m so sorry,” and “I love you so much.” I walked on eggshells a lot of the time because I hated the fights. He always made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.

He was also very inappropriate with his ex-girlfriend. He told me from the beginning that he was friends with his ex, and I thought that that was very mature and respectable. Little did I know that he was actually very much obsessed with his ex, they told each other they loved each other still, and they were in constant contact. He would delete messages or texts so that I didn’t see them, make up reasons to see or call her like he needed to order more Advocare from her or that he was going out to the bar that she works at with his buddies after a day of working on the ranch. The first time we broke up was because of her, and his actions with a few other women. I moved out of our house and into my own, and within 5 days he had another woman staying with him. Again he claimed they were just friends and he was helping her move. We ended up getting back together and after this. He swore he loved me and things were different this time, he knew the mistakes he made and he promised to fix them. He said he would distance himself from his ex-girlfriend, but always told me that she was a big part of his life and that they would always be friends. I of course fell for every word, and for a while he was different.

Things were good for a bit. Really good. It got me thinking that he had changed, that it was different this time. But the monster emerged once again after a few months. He started talking to other woman again, he never put any distance between him and his ex, and he started acting strange towards me. Distant, not texting or calling as much, not very interested or talkative at all. At this point in our relationship he had started working in North Dakota, which was 5 hours away from home. He was gone for at least 10 days at a time and home for a week. We made this decision so that we could start saving money and pay off some bills. Shortly after going back to North Dakota, I could tell something had shifted in him. He came home for Thanksgiving, spent the entire night talking to other women on his phone, and when I confronted him he stormed out. The next day he returned to his job and told me that he was ending our relationship. This was November of 2016. We ended our relationship on December 5th of that year.

Since that point, up until very recently, things escalated to a very out of control point with him. After breaking up with me I heard everything under the sun – from “I’m scared of commitment,” to “I’m not sure if this is what I want out of life,” to “I want to beg for your forgiveness and beg for another chance, but I’m not going to,” and “I still love you and want you back.” Of course, every time I tried to talk to him about the things he said he would tell me I blew everything out of proportion or took something out of context. It was always my fault for misinterpreting everything. He took full responsibility for why our relationship didn’t work out, saying nothing was my fault, it was all his, but he uses that to make himself look better for his female friends. He says it’s all his fault, but then he doesn’t want to talk further about it with anyone or discuss any specifics. He kept me hanging on with texts and calls like this until he started seeing someone else two months after we broke up. He then proceeded to tell me that he is going to treat her right and not make any of the same mistakes with her as he made with me. He said he knows exactly what to do now, and he learned that from our relationship. It was like taking a bullet. We fought and fought through text message and over the phone, I’d tell him that he was just going to hurt her too, and he told me “no I’m not, I really like her, I’m going to be good.” Finally I had had enough, I blocked his number for the first time after that. Four days later he and that woman broke up, and I got a knock at my door. It was him, of course. He told me that the last woman was just a mistake and that they are just friends who decided they were going to date one night after a drunk night at the bar. He said they were just good friends. He told me that he still had really strong feelings for me that would just not go away, and he wondered if there was ever a possibility of us working things out in the future after we build a foundation of civility and friendship. We discussed this idea for a while, but when I told him that we needed to compromise and find some common ground, that this couldn’t be all his way or the highway, he told me it wouldn’t work and that we just needed to go our separate ways. Then we would talk about it some more, and I would tell him that if we were going to do this it was with the goal of fixing what was broken between us and that he needed to not be talking to other woman romantically while we worked on things. Of course he didn’t like this idea at all, he wanted to keep me around as a friend while he figured out what he wants, and I told him that was not going to happen. I just recently found out that he is still staying with the woman he dated for four days, of course he claims they are just friends and that she lets him stay at her apartment when he isn’t at work. I feel bad for this woman because I know exactly what she is getting into, I know that he is just using her for a place to stay, and that this cycle of abuse will continue with him with every woman that he meets. He told me that he was unhealthy with me, but he is capable of being healthy in another relationship with another woman.

Two nights ago he showed up at my house at 2 a.m., drunk, after calling me 14 times. He said he wanted to talk about us. We talked until 5 in the morning, but it was like a broken record with me saying the same things and him repeating his idea that he wants “friendship and civility” from me. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, then told me the next day that he meant he “has love for me” not that he is “in love with me.” Of course our conversation got nowhere, and after he tried to get me to sleep with him I told him he had to leave. He got mad and threw something, then told me he was going to stay at the other woman’s house for the rest of the week. The next day he told me that she is his girlfriend. He admitted that keeping me hanging on was wrong, that this was unhealthy and that we needed to just go our separate ways. I told him that I agree, confronted him with the fact that I think he is narcissistic, emotionally abusive, a pathological liar, and his drinking escalates that and makes him out of control. He of course denies it all, and says that it was me who made him unhealthy.

This morning I told him that if he shows up at my house and 2 a.m. again that I would be calling the police, and I blocked his number. Being in love with somebody like this is the most exhausting, challenging, cruel things I have ever experienced in my life. I am drained, I am nervous all the time, I am almost an empty shell of the person that I was before I met him. He spun every situation into something different, told me I took things out on context or didn’t know what I was talking about, he made me crazy. And I acted crazy too. This situation is crazy making.  He lies, he manipulates, he uses. And he has already moved on to someone else. I know this process for me will be long and tedious, but I know that I need to keep the no contact going. I also know that this is probably no the last time I hear from him and am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be tough enough to not fall back into this trap. It’s a long, very painful, very emotional process.

2 thoughts on “Everything in our relationship centred around him

  1. Yes, your story is almost identical to mine! And after divorcing him 2 years ago, and being in that back and forth with other women AND his ex for 2 years I finally stopped. After he lied to me and his ex once again, and told us both he loved us and wanted to be with us both in the same day – I Blocked him on everything! and when I ran into him at a bar he actually tried to approach me (drunk) multiple times and just couldn’t believe I would not have anything to do with him. I told him I am done and to LEAVE ME ALONE, and he knew for once I meant it! So he has. That was a month ago. I recently saw a post that put it into perspective: “Narcissists will ignore those who don’t adore them or feed their supply, anyone they feel is their rival (better than them), the person who knows who they really are under their ‘fake’ image, and the person who has injured their ego”. I hope I fall into those categories so he will finally leave me alone. Plus it helped that for the first time he saw ME with another guy – who was ‘just a friend’.

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