How did you get through this longing?

How did you get through this longing?

I, like all if you, met the man I thought was of my dreams. My story is too long to post but it went through pretty much the same phases you have all experienced. How happy I was to meet this man that promised so much love and the relationship I had always dreamed of. Cue the hot cold phases which led to utter confusion, devastation and bewilderment in my life for the next 1 ½ years.

In December 2016 I gave him his 5th chance to make things right. He seemed so sincere and again promising all the beautiful things I wanted to hear. I just so wanted it to be true! In the end, he suddenly fell off the face of the earth for a week. Missed two dates that we had set up and then tries to tell me his phone was stolen! Little does he know that I called him during that time from a private number and he answered!!

I finally sent him a vicious message to say that he’s the most disingenuous person I’ve ever met and a coward. Do not contact me ever! He replied angrily and I blocked him from all social media.

I won’t hear from him again and I don’t want to but my question is, why is my heart still so sore? Why do I still want this man that has promised me everything and delivered nothing?

Why does my heart still want to believe that somehow I could still have all of the promised ‘castles in the sky’ when my head keeps telling me the truth? My head reminds my heart often of the specific things he’s done that have destroyed my soul and I know I don’t want the nothing that he has to offer me but my heart… 😔

Can everyone please share what they did to get through this longing?
Thank you xxx

16 thoughts on “How did you get through this longing?

  1. Time is your friend. You’ve only broken up recently.

    When I was broken up (about a year and a half ago) I didn’t know what to do with my time. Since he was always in charge of free time (as in: he asked me what I wanted to do, but was angry when i didn’t pick something I knew he wanted to do).

    Over time, I almost stopped doing everything I used to like.

    And I started to think about the things that I used to like. For example: reading a book without continuous interruptions (or and angry expression). Those first few weeks, I read all of the books I own, with a nice pot of tea and cookies 🙂

    One by one, I picked up my own routines. Routines he had ridiculed and gone out of his way to sabotage (I have Aspergers, and thrive on structure).
    One by one, I rediscovered by hobbies.

    Soon, the thought of having him back in my life was excruciating to the point that I was disgusted by him.

    Keep telling your heart the truth. Keep reading survivor stories. Give yourself time, but never EVER let him back in. I cannot stress how important that is. Because they have a way of luring you back with the same old promises… Don’t fall for it!

  2. I find that reading about narcissism soothes the pain a little or at least distracts me from the longing. I’m still very raw, I’m in the same situation since the end of December but with a man I was in a 7 year relationship with before and who I have a 19 year old son with. Feels doubly painful that he duped me again.

    When you’re hurting remind yourself that this was never going to be what you’re grieving for, it was all a performance and he is a sick man.

  3. Hi
    Is it that man you still want or is it the version he had you believe was real?

    I split from my partner at the end of November and I get those feelings from time to time. Thinking of the good times we shared and the vision of the future that we were meant to have. But then I realise that that future wasn’t real and was only to serve a purpose in the present. Those promises and fake affections were simply tools used to get something from me that they needed and craved. The difficult part, I feel, is now recognising this for what it was but being so blind to it at the time. My own past ignorance seems the hardest pill to swallow.

    But good can come from this situation that you’re presently in. I try to look at things this way; what I had wasn’t real. And if it wasn’t real have I truly lost anything but a little of my time and heartbreak along the way. Now I have my time back, not to be wasted anymore I can repair that heartbreak and move on. Also, if things felt as good as they did at times when they weren’t real how good most it feel to feel that way for someone and for them to truly love you back?

    I don’t know if that helps at all and I hope your able to get passed what is an awful position to be in.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story! I was also in a relationship that was very similar. We broke up the end of June and I’m still wandering around lost. At first I was grieving the loss but now I feel like he was more of an addiction for me. I’m not sure that I will or how I will ever get over this and be able to move on; therefore, I’m very interested in reading the responses that others have for you.

    Thanks again!

    1. Well,… it is hard to get over somebody you loved! I was really surprised how much pain I had to go through.
      When I was in it I didn’t know what was normal behaviour in a loving relationship.
      I thought that my tolerance for all of his crazy habits & things he did was having to compromise & being in a grown up relationship.
      His actions reminded me of every single person that hurt me (there were many) and most of all he ignored me, took me for granted, never saw me or appreciated me, just like my parents did.
      I grieved for one whole year!
      I felt like one huge boil full of pain & after doing lots of reading, doing exercises of facing my childhood wounds & my memories, one day I released my pain & got this beautiful feeling of joy & peace in my body where pain was.
      This was 3 months ago. He is trying to sneak in my life again & I feel pain seeping in.
      I have written down what was good in this relationship on one side & what was bad on another. It turns out that all good bits were just like a play(whilst I put all of me in it, he just played loving partner whilst it suited him.) He was never really in it!
      I want real thing or nothing!!!! So, no going back!!!

  5. In 2015, my ex decided to tell me and our son he no longer wanted to be married after 13 years of marriage . He said our time was over only to remarry four months after our divorce was final (which was final in 6 months). He had put me through so much of the same things you are talking about. I still get memories that will stop me in my tracks , and I will start to cry. Even though now I can see how much of an narcissist he really was , and how hurtful he was, and still is and now is even using our son to hurt me. Which is killing me.. My son is only 10 but does not want to even go to his dads because of the way he is treated..
    I have found reading and talking to others with this problems ( which I never knew there were so many people out there) has really helped me through or is helping me get through this. Hang in there it will get better.

  6. My son was in a two and a half year relationship with a narc.She was only using him until someone “better” came along.My son could not see this.He was blinded by love,hope,trust,and his loyalty.She would give him a bunch of empty promises(lies),tell him what he wanted to hear,to keep leading him on.My oldest son saw through her from the start,well since high school.My other son has loved her since middle school…they lost contact in high school..about twenty years later,reconnect through facebook. She knew of his feelings and of his inexperience with women,he has dated never seriously ..until her..and she did not want a future(marriage) with him…even though she accepted a ring.She never publicly acknowledged him by his full name or a picture…not once.He really loves her and her little boys.I hated seeing him hurt,used,disappointed,treated like a secret,an option,a backup plan.He was on an emotional roller coaster,walking on eggshells..it stressed him out.It broke my heart to watch..nothing I could do.She is so full of herself always seeking attention.She abused him emotionally and verbally.She is the biggest walking talking contradiction.He has had no contact with her ,since November.He came in told me he was moving in..I didn’t say anything,but knew this was not happening..she had backed out every single time before…sure enough he got the text he could not move in(but he could help her with her bills..and she let people believe she was making on her own…liar)..he blocked her..she had had him blocked,she blocked me and my older son(who could utterly care less) since April. I know my son is hurting and feels foolish for getting duped by her ,not once ,but many times.I know how deeply he loves her,and it was utterly wasted and she was so undeserving.He wasted not only two and a half years but thousands on her,and for what??My worst fear is that she will contact him again..but she is afraid of me.I have been called meddling,overprotective,smothering, overbearing as a mother.I won’t deny it.I did manage to stay out of my others sons’ love lives..until now.I just could not.

  7. I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I’m currently in the process of divorce with my ex who has NPD. I can’t stand to see him or be around him, but considering we have a daughter together I have to see him. Even though I am so angry and sad because of what he did to me and our daughter, I still have that longing and hope things will turn around. I have had the support of my family and my sister in law (who is going through the same thing with my ex’s brother). Reading about NPD helps too, reassuring me I did nothing wrong and how mentally ill they are. You will get through. Cutting ties and communication is the start to heal.

  8. It’s been 6 months since i broke up with my ex. And I am still longing for the promised future. I, of course, keep remembering the good times. Not the mind games he played with me from time to time. I couldn’t call him out on anything he did that was hurtful or unfair or just not nice. Because then I might be punished with nasty remarks or just weeks or months of silent treatment. It’s so hard. Honestly if i didnt have therapy and some anti-depressant meds, I’d still be a messier mess like i was 6 months ago. But believe it or not.. It’s getting better. I’ll never be the same person. I have been irreparably changed from the mental anguish and abuse. But now i get to re-build. Be the person i want to be.. and yes, that i used to be, the parts i liked. I’ve learned a lot. I am less apt to beat myself up for sticking around for 10 YEARS! Yeah.. its hard. But friends, work, and actively looking for things to do that PLEASE YOU are what helps. This is your time to be selfish. Spoil yourself. And don’t put up with BS anymore.. from anyone. Allow the crying then move on. It doesn’t sound like you lost too much time. I lost my fertility years waiting for him. I was so angry about that. And something that you may not want to hear… something i am just testing the waters with now… try getting back into dating. Just talking to other people can make you remember that there are possibilities. Believe me, its weird. I think ill never feel as comfortable with someone else. But power through on the dating thing. It’s an exercise thats worth the effort.

  9. your feelings of missing him belongs to the damage he made you, also called Stocholms syndrome. Not until you get youy balance and strenght back the feeling of missing will disappear. It is really insane to miss such a person bur we are damaged, hopefully not destroyed. When reading your question I am glad I have stayed NC sinde Dec 8 trough getting text and Christmas and New Years Greetings.

  10. time will help us all but always remember we have been lied to and abused by someone with a mental illness/ personality disorder who will never change

  11. I have been separated from my husband for 3 months after 30 years together. He lied constantly, cheated on me multiple times, wouldn’t work and stole money from me, which he spends on the OW and put sleeping tablets in my drinks so that he could go to the OW at night. I can’t understand how my head understands that he is a toxic person but my heart still wants him back. He is with the OW now, my heart aches and I have sobbing sessions. Reading other comments helps me feel I am not totally stupid in being taken in by him.

  12. Time. Education. You must read everything you can about narcissism. He simply will never change because he cannot. You are nothing to this man than “narcissistic supply”. If you doubt for one moment he was with another woman when his phone was “lost”, guess again. Please, educate yourself. Keep a list of what he’s done on your refrigerator. THAT should help start the healing. In the meantime, you are detoxing from the addiction (yes, I said addiction) chemicals from the relationship, and the cognitive dissonance. Again, read, educate yourself and stay NO CONTACT, for the rest of your life. If he senses you’ll let him back, he’ll BE back, when he’s bored. Sweetheart, your time “expired”, just like all of us, when we’re in a “relationship” with a narcissist. No real relationship exists whatsoever, it’s all a delusional dance.

  13. Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts, suggestions and support.
    I have been reading and learning and researching so that I can make sense of it for myself and heal and grow. Cannot believe there are SO many people who have been hurt by this… just so sad when all you want to do is love someone and be loved by then.
    At least I count myself as one of the ‘lucky’ ones… there was no physical or verbal abuse. There was so much more time where he was MIA than present that there wasn’t really a chance to get to that point, thank goodness. Still hurt like hell, though 🙁
    Anyway… what’s done is done.
    Sending love to all of you. Hope your hearts heal quickly and your minds let’s them go forever ♡♡

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