I don’t know how to help

I don’t know how to help

Hi.  I need help…I know this girl who I care for so much and she split up with her narcissistic husband 7 months back.  Trouble is he has come back and started the process again with her…she is an emotional wreck and can’t even think for herself anymore.  I so much want him out of her life. Trouble is I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want her to think I am just as bad as him as I am not. I am totally opposite…is there anything more I can do?  I am there for her, but I don’t know how to help or even talk to her as telling the truth can hurt her even more and might stop talking to me and she trust me right now.  I’m at loose ends… 😞   Help

4 thoughts on “I don’t know how to help

  1. Hi There,

    I have been in the exact same situation as your friend. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do except be there for her, if she want him in her life there is no stopping it. A narcissist is “that good” at hoovering. I’ve been going back for 8 years and only now woken up. I never listened to anyone, I got given advice but never acted on any of it. I had to learn the hard way when he continued to keep hurting me and degrading me and using me. I’m so grateful that I had a friend that refused to listen to him when he tried to poison her mind against me, she stood her ground and never left. Be that friend, don’t leave, support her and let her learn on her own. It’s tough love and hard to watch but that’s all that you can really do according to my experience. I’m not sure if my advice is any good but it’s from my personal experience that I am replying. I can assure you he will get bored and hurt her again, they always do. Be there for her….don’t leave….you might be all she has one day.

    1. Yes,it is so hard to watch.The best thing is to just be there when your friend needs you.
      My son was in a one-sided relationship with a narcissist for two and a half years.I was outraged by the way she mistreated him.The emotional abuse,the verbal abuse.The way she thought/thinks more of impressing strangers and being around them than she did him.He was so patient and forgiving,he truly loves her and her little boys.She was using him,as in walking ATM, and leading him on with her lies and empty promises.He could not see through her ,he was blinded by love and hope.I was frustrated by his inability to see through her,at first,I too,was fooled by her…but because of her actions…I saw the writing on the wall.My son is an empath ,like me.That’s what she looks for,also she knew how he always felt about her since middle school,of his inexperience with women.I tried to tell him…because it broke my heart to see him hurt,disappointed,used.I knew she was using him until someone “better” came along.He has cut off contact with her.He avoids facebook and has her number blocked..he did tell me,he would not put it past her to drive out here,to our home,if she were desperate.He is doing great.He is losing weight,controlling his diabetes with diet and exercise,and he is even on dating sites.My worst fear is that she may contact him again.

  2. I think you have to ask yourself tough questions.
    Do I think I can handle this? Am I prepared to be there for her no matter what? Do I want to help or rescue her? Will my involvement really help or hinder her? Is this really triggering me and are there things I need to deal with?
    You know how a narc works, if they see you as a threat they will turn her against you. Be careful that you don’t get sucked in and actually cause her and you further hurt.
    I suggest you give her leaflets on narcissism and the various kinds of domestic abuse. She needs to realise it for herself and if she has the info she will hopefully be able to connect the dots.

  3. I understand your frustration and concern. The truth coming from a loving caring heart does not hurt it sets people free and opens their eyes. She may be an emotional wreck but she is still able to think for herself and by wanting him out of her life you are in danger of trying to control her too. All you can do is be there.

    To be quiet about abuse or controlled by other people’s reactions – even the victims – to the truth of the situation will stiffle who you are, so don’t walk on eggshells to adapt yourself to another person no matter how much you care about her. If she is using ‘hurt feelings’ to try to keep you quiet or make you fear the end of a friendship you are allowing yourself to be controlled – be careful that you are not being used as an emotional garbage dump. Some victims have made victimhood their identity and will suck you into that. There is a limit to what you can accept even from someone in an awful situation without finding yourself being used.
    They are married and there are boundaries that you cannot cross much as you would love to help. Check that you are not being triggered by this from something in your own life.

    She will make her own choices about what she decides to do and she has chosen to go back once again. There is nothing you can do about this and it may become detrimental to your own well being to stay involved and watching someone self destruct by staying in a cycle of abuse. At some point be prepared as you may have to leave the friendship for your own good as abuse destroys everyone whether it is happening to you personally or being an observer.

    You sound like a loving caring person and a good faithful friend and we all need more of those.

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