She complains but yet defends him

She complains but yet defends him

My daughter is with a narcissistic emotional abuser.  She tells me the things he does and it blows my mind that she tolerates it.  She was not raised like that.  She complains about what he does but on the other hand, she will defend him. How do I get her information?  I know if it comes from me she will just get annoyed and deny it. I don’t know if there is educational information that can get emailed or mailed to her?  Not sure how to help her?

7 thoughts on “She complains but yet defends him

  1. I have found that if you ask questions that will produce the answers you want to tell her, she will hear herself giving herself the information. I hope this is making sense. As a mom it’s hard not to try and protect our daughters. But think about it for minute if she has been living under someone who’s controlling her then she herself needs to answer questions that give her truth. You being her mom telling her is just someone else trying to control her. Ask the questions look to God for the right questions. Trust that he will give them to you and just wait she’ll answer and she’ll hear. And when she does leave she’ll need you the most not to protect her not to tell her what to do but to encourage her to lift her up and to support her. I think it’s also important to remember she probably loves this man. Put your daughter in a position that she herself exposes the truth not by complaining about it but by just stating it. As a mom I understand how hard this is. Pray And watch God do wonderful things.

    1. Jennifer, this is absolutely the best advice I have ever heard/read about this. I too am in the same situation from the mothers viewpoint and have just recently made the decision to not give her advice because of all the reasons you mention. It just makes us both feel bad and like I am controlling her as much as he is. It truly does hurt so bad that your knee-jerk reaction is to want to SAVE her, but after trying for ten years (that is so bad) I am giving it to God and letting him handle the situation and my emotions. Thank you for some sound advice!!!!!

  2. I am currently getting out of a 7 year toxic relationship with an npd partner. I am young and my npd father every single time I complained had asked me if I had had enough yet? I always went back. My father recently died and I just now realized what he meant. I know for me being a codependent, I had to 100% make the decision on my own and get to that point myself. Nothing my mom or dad could say meant anything. I wish it had and I wish I had listened because it would have saved me a lot of grief and heartache, however maybe this is what needs to happen because in dealing with these people and once you do finally reach a point to where your fed up the learning and healing beings. Then you can truly start living. I hope this makes sense and I know it’s not very helpful but just a point of view from someone living it at the moment. Having a strong faith helped me greatly heal also.

  3. I am dating a man like that. And my mom and dad tell me all the time! I keep going back and think maybe I did something to provoke it. I do love him too. I find myself questioning all situations as to maybe he isn’t bad. I don’t know what to suggest. Nothing works for me, but me getting to had had enough on my own. I believe that’s what’s happening lately. I don’t know how long she has been in the relationship but research had proven it takes upto 7 times to leave an abusive relationship ( even if just emotional ). I read a lot of books. Actually longer she stays with him harder will it be to leave ( attachment through trauma ). She will have to see it for herself. For me I started school and my focus changed. It happened in literally 2 days. I just stopped caring. But it’s very difficult. Abusers do that to us. They manipulate us and abuse us so outer thoughts are completely dedicated to them, which makes us forget about what we need the most!
    I can recommend a book for her to read if she is interested. It’s called ” Why does he do that “. ( inside the monds of angry and controlling man). By Lundy Bancroff
    Until I was able to see the examples in there ( actual examples of situations ) and recognize and acknowledge that this behavior isn’t normal ir acceptable nothing worked for me. The book cost me $15 from Amazon . If she educated herself from a serious source ( thousands of study cases and statistics ) she will see she does not want this life for her herself or her future kids.
    Hope that helps!

  4. I have just come out of 21 years of marriage to a narc and the emotional abuse started before we married. Even with numerous affairs, compounded by emotional abuse (for which I was always blamed), I never told a soul the truth about how he treated me or the kids. No one. Ever.
    If your daughter is talking to you she is in a batter place than you think . Keep open to her. Don’t shut her out. This time last year I knew my ex was having an affair again, he was provoking tension between me and the kids and playing good parent to pity them about their horrible mom, he was slandering me and smearing my name among his friends and business associates (and to his mistress) in the set up to discarding me, he was gas-lighting me and treating me as if I was crazy, and on and on. Yet if someone had confronted me I would have (internally) blamed myself and still thought if I just got it right I could fix him. My therapist asked once, “If someone had put a neon sign in your yard telling you he was being unfaithful again would you have left him?” My answer was , “No.”
    It can’t be explained to anyone outside of a relationship like this. It will take her coming to her own decision that things have got to change or come to and end or he’ll discard her. It may annoy you greatly to hear her complain and yet defend, but this is totally natural. She really is in a good place if she’ll admit it there are problems. Keep being there for her, offer her info if she’ll take it without offense. When my ex finally discarded me it was informed people who led me out of the darkness and into healing. You can be that for her when she reaches that point.

  5. My parents could’ve written this back when I was still with my Nex. I would alsobdefend him all the time, and smooth things over.

    You can’t really do anything at this point except be there for her now and I’m the long run. She’s not ready to see the truth just yet.

    If you want to sneak something her way, you could share Facebook posts on the subject, hoping she reads it and connects the dots. That’s how it finally hit me, and when I told my family, they weren’t surprised at all.

    After it was over, they told me how they always felt like something was “off” about him. And they supported me all the way. Your daughter is going to need that when she finds out his true colours.

  6. She’s complaining to test the waters and to see if she really is crazy

    You need to provide her with reassurance

    Firstly, you love her

    Secondly, she can come home to you anytime she is ready, you will be there for her no matter what, it’s not a failure to leave if it’s the right thing for her, you will always support her

    Finally, that no one should be undergoing what she is, that she is brave for telling you and is certainly not crazy no matter what she may have been told

    She needs to be believed, supported and know you are there when she is ready to jump

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