The effects take their toll on the children…

The effects take their toll on the children…

I had never heard of the term narcissism until I met my current loving and supportive husband.  I am thankful for him.  To tell the full impact that a narcissist can have I will have to go full circle with my story.  The disease/pattern can be passed on from one generation to the next.

I met my X in 1984.  We planned our wedding for December 1985.  The plans included confirmation in the Episcopal Church along with counselling by the Minister.  We had a grand wedding in the same Episcopal Church that my Mother and Father were married in.  My Uncle played the same organ that my Grandfather used to play.  My Father sent us to the Grand Caymen Island for our Honeymoon.   That is when the lies started to be revealed.  On the honeymoon I leaned about his four year relationship with his male college roommate.

The first year of our marriage I learned about his addiction (didn’t know there was such a thing) to pornography that he and his brother shared.  I was frequently replaced by it.  Which is how I got pregnant the second year of our marriage.  I used a diaphragm which he felt inhibited his spontaneity and I would be shut out of the bedroom by a locked door only to hear the TV and a sex video playing.  I ditched the diaphragm and of course got pregnant.  My mistake!  So now I am expecting and he is really unhappy.  He became jealous of the attention I received as an expectant mother and resentful of the new responsibilities (financial) that went along with it.  I was determined that I could make him happy and I still felt obligated to make the marriage successful for my parents.  Second mistake.  So we have a baby along with suite cases full of pornographic videos and magazines which he stored in our closet.  We did seek counselling for his sexual addiction.  Along with his addiction he had other behavioural problems.  He would talk violently to himself, lock himself in the spare bedroom for long periods.  I could hear him talking and referencing to me about how I was a horrible wife and mother.  But I kept trying to make it work and make him happy.  I felt responsible for it.  Again, my mistake which only fuelled his behaviour.   But we managed to have another child along with the continued sexual problems and the strange talking to himself in outbursts etc.  About a year after the second child was born he decided that he no longer wanted to go to church with the family and that he was an atheist.  He began mocking me in front of the children (two daughters) especially if it involved prayers at dinner or bedtime.  This mocking, reducible, condescending, putting down of me has continued to this day.  I could never do anything good enough.  I finally sought counselling for myself.  That is when I learned that I was not responsible for his happiness.  A weight was lifted off my shoulders.  But that was the beginning of the end too.  So I began a slow process of preparing for the day when I would return to work after the girls were grown up.  I wanted to return to what I had grown up doing as a hobby into a business and career.  Training horses.  As I began to gain some independence and confidence his behaviour worsened.  The girls also got to an age that they too were aware.  But the damage to them had been done as I later found out.  Anyway, I worked off and on part time throughout their childhood to keep a sense of self worth.  Nothing was ever good enough and was always met with ridicule and in front of the girls.  By the time they entered middle school I had started my business and worked while they were in school.  Again, this only fuelled his anger.  We once again sought counselling.  This time our counsellor told my X that he was possibly suffering from Disassociative Disorder.  So his behaviour now had a name.  His uncontrolled out burst, talking to himself in public etc had a name.  Once again I thought we might survive as a family.  But with counselling for almost five years he never displayed the behaviour in front of the counsellor (control) Along with his sexual addiction to pornography which he now had to pursue outside the house with teenage girls he started to spend a lot of money on it.  Which lead to trying to control any spending I might do.  As it all spiralled out of his control he became more and more angry with me, trying to find ways to control me, reducible and mocking me in front of the girls etc.  Finally after 15 years of marriage he sued me for divorce and full custody of the children on the terms that I would not be able to provide financial support for them outside of the marriage.  I was served the papers at my front door with my children standing behind me.  I was scared!  He drained the bank accounts.  I sought out an attorney too.  But I wasn’t ready for a divorce and once again tried even harder to meet his demands.  We were still in counselling at this time but he continued to see our regular person along with a psychiatrist who put him on antidepressants.  Once he was on medication he was a different person.  He was wonderful.  We got back together and talked about the future.  He was so happy.  It lasted only about a year until he decided he no longer needed the medicine and he stopped.  His behaviour returned.  I learned through our counselling the term “raising the bar”.   Every time I tried to meet his demands he would just raise the bar to prove I failed once again.  I finally gave up inside me.  I focused on my career to become financially independent.  I prepared and researched attorneys along with meeting my now present husband.  I sued for divorce after 18 years of marriage.  The court put him under the care of a councillor.  He dragged it out as long as he could to keep control.  He wanted to make sure that it cost a lot.  I was awarded full custody of our children, he had visitation rights, child support to pay along with alimony during the divorce process.  He tried to ruin my business, but failed.  I won, so I thought.   I won the battle but have lost the war.  I tried to have very little to do with him or ever speak with him again.  I feared him!

The affect on ones children living with a controlling sick narcissist takes its toll.  If I had known the outcome I would have walked out of the marriage a long time ago.  Instead I kept trying think it was the right and best thing only to learn it was the worst thing.  My oldest daughter was just starting high school when it all came to a head.  She was distant, gothic and as the pattern of behaviour continued shunning her Mother.  There was nothing I could do that could make her happy.  In her eyes I ruined her life.  My youngest daughter was in middle school and a mommy’s girl.  Always at my side and wanting to help with my equestrian business.  But she wouldn’t look other adults in the eye and was always a bit angry.  But over time and being around the horses and horse people she began to heal.  Not my oldest daughter though.  It was hard with no real relationship between us which she replaced with staying close to her Father.  I never tried to come between them though.  Once she turned 18 and graduated from high school, in a fit of rage she left to go live with her Father.  She took with her a car that I had co-signed a loan on and later abandoned it in a parking lot.  My Father and I had to tow it back and I returned it to the dealer.  But the loan was upside down and I had to pay back the 12k owed.  She never spoke to me again for about three years.  She did keep in touch with her sister from time to time.  My X remarried and I did too along with focusing on building my business.  My youngest graduated from high school and we moved her into a college apartment.  She lasted about a year and decided she wanted to leave college and work with me and the business.  I was thrilled, but concerned about her not having a college degree.  But we teamed up anyway.  We were a good Mother/Daughter team too.  Little did I know or once again realize that a narcissist will always have a target on you.  The Mother/Daughter team had to be destroyed.  So for a couple years all was good.  The calm before what I call The Perfect Storm.  My current husband is the manager of the equestrian centre where I have my business.  So the three if us where a team.   Then my oldest daughter came back into the picture.  She wrote me a letter and apologized for her past behaviour.  We met at dinner.  I could tell she was still angry but wanted to try to start over again.  She had married and her husband had a friend that she wanted her sister to meet.  As she and her sister rebuilt their relationship, they also built husband and boyfriend relationships.  They were now a foursome.  I thought was wonderful.  We planned our youngest daughter’s wedding to be at our home.  My oldest daughter’s husband married them, in our back yard and we had a nice romantic evening party for them.  How perfect to have your daughters married to two boys that are best friends!  And yes their Father was allowed to be there.   But the next day after the wedding everything changed.  My oldest stopped talking to me.  When she did finally call me it was to request that we start family counselling.  At first I didn’t agree, but as time went on and both daughters were acting differently toward me I gave in.  The day I said yes we can go to counselling to my oldest, the next phone call I received was from my youngest saying that she was leaving the business to go a few miles down the road to work for a direct competitor.  I was crushed, heart broken, shocked.  I had given my heart my soul and my livelihood to get my youngest started in the business.  A few days later she left with half of my clients.  It was a scandal that turned into gossip and an attempt to smear me and ruin me and the business.  So where was their father all this time?  Behind the scenes pulling the puppet strings.  Controlling from behind.    Both daughters haven’t contacted me since.  Even when my Mother was dying they avoided running into me when visiting their Grandmother.  When she passed away I could not bear to go to the service because they and their Father were there.  And so you see I lost the war.  I have not written all the ugly details but enough.  I just hope that you can help by educating people about the destructive behaviour of a narcissist before it is too late for them too and so that the pattern is not passed on through generations.

Thank you for reading this.  If I can be of help for your project in any simple way please let me know.

12 thoughts on “The effects take their toll on the children…

  1. I am going through this exact same ordeal now and whats sad is my daughter is only 11 and I can see some of his actions in her starting to surface.We were married 21 years.

  2. I too have lived or am living your story. Thank you for telling yours. My youngest son fits your eldest daughter now that he is 21. We were married 13 years and in court another 14. Our boys were 3 and 5 when he filed (to date my younger skinny secretary) and the courts and psychologists all believed his projecting. To keep control he made a complicated divorce settlement (me paying him of course to keep my business). After the boys were grown I and my husband moved away 450 miles away to a small town my parents lived in. He sent the youngest to live with me???!! Next I helped my son get a house. Guess who moved in with my son? Yes my X. He would never come here to visit my parents but moved here!

    I can never change him but I have changed how I react to him and my son. Yet I am limited because they will try to destroy me, my business and reputation if they get the chance. My eldest has now lived with us for two years but he is hard wired like my dad and not my ex. For that he is a target for my X. Oh my ex did remarry for a short time but that was 15 years ago. I am told he never got over the fact that I never begged to go back to him. It was his own attorney who said that too! Guess I too should write a book.

  3. You are not alone. I wrote a long comment that isn’t showing but the outcome is similar and moving 450 miles away to a tiny town my parents live and my ex would not even visit…..he moved here too!!!

  4. I too have endeaored years of struggles and abuse from dealing with a man with two faces …i guess that is why they usually say a Narcissist hide under a mask. I stayed in the marriage, for many years gave it my all, but nothing was never good enough. I was a amazing cook, an athlete, a leader, a mom, a house keeper, a worker, a great friend…but to everyone else but my x the Narcissist. My main focus became my 2 boys and I made my life with them filled with laughter, love, and spending time together…he was never around. This only made life darker…he hated that my boys were my life and that the three of us were close. The name calling the yelling and verbal abuse got unbearable. At times I would fight back which only highlighted the situation and other times I would remain the quiet mouse. Either approach would only make me feel horrible about myself. The once pretty girl, who was captain of the softball team, college athlete, homecoming girl, vice president of her high school class, class mom soccer coach, was slowly stripped of her once vibrant personality. I desperately tried to keep the peace and hold a family together. It was all I wanted !!! I wanted my boys to grow up in a loving family that stayed together. On the outside our family looked so perfect. On the inside, I fought battles in my head. We drove new top of the line cars, lived in a beautiful home, in an upscale community and the boys had materialistic things. I tried to convince myself, that I should be grateful for that. My x husbands porn addition and lies only got worse. Along with his weed addiction. I do believe now that it is all part of the Narcissistic behaviors. His sexually appetite was out of control and he had me convinced it was because I was lacking and did not know how to please him. He would never be home spent nights out…and the lies, cheating and abuse escalated. I secretly began to work around the boys schedules during the day and started putting money aside. I knew that I needed a plan and a way out. He told me he would bury me and that if I left my boys and I would live poor for the rest of our lives. Well, now years later divorced and on my own, I have my own small catering business and somehow have found inner peace. My business has turned into a amazing successful small company that has recently opened a new location. I am blessed. Unfortunately, that is the happy part of it all. The sad part of dealing with this kind of behavior is that my boys have deep scars that will never go away. My older son now 20yrs. old is my protector and deals with life in a quiet way hiding things and not believing in counseling. And my younger son now 16yrs. old feels sorry for his dad and did not like that there were rules at my home and left a few months ago to live with his dad. Life has turned complicated…and a Narcissist thrives on that. It makes me sad that my two amazing boys, that I have spent years devoting my time, love, and attention to have been forced to deal with this. I live with the feeling of guilt every day. I feel that I have caused my 2 boys such pain and struggles dealing with a Narcissist. That it was me, who picked this person to have children with… I should of left years before but didn’t. My advice to many of you ladies out there…stay strong don’t hide and don’t keep justifying or trying to think that this behavior is normal or to be tolerated. And lastly, unfortunately the worse part of it all is the fact that every child that has to deal with this kind of behavior will be effected in a bad way. I am still trying to get my two boys to counseling …it is what has helped me along with a good family and amazing friends.

      1. I went thru the same thing for 20 years I have 6 kids 4 of which are with him it seems like no-one believes me not even the police please help me find out if you get any info that can help me as well ty so much

  5. I’ve lived just like all of these comments with my 4 kids,3 boys & a girl! My daughter the second child of the four has not talked to me in eleven yrs! Like her father that she’s friends with now! We had to move to another state to get away from him! Of they don’t really want you but no one else can have us either! I got told everyday how I wasn’t good enough either! Esp sex! We were seventeen when we had to get married! He was the only one I had been with he had been with others! So why didn’t he teach me whatever a 17 yr old is supposed to know? If he wasn’t going at me he was after our next to the youngest! Yelling & whipping him if he didn’t do what he said! When my kids heard his truck pull in the drive they flew up the stairs to stay! They were too small to sleep there but I put toys up there. My son never jumped up & went with the others he just sat watching tv until he would be jerked up by his arm getting a whipping!! I just told my oldest to make sure he went up with them! Came time to sign him up for kindergarten My baby could not hear not a thing! I didn’t know with his sister always saying he wanted a drink or he was hungry! He smiled all the time only cried if I left him to go to grocery store. I left them with my grandparents. Its all so sad I can’t write anymore! He was a pathological liar too! Along with everything else I got beat too quite often for not being good enough!

  6. I have been reading these articles with great interest….as my life mirrors many of others who have commented here. The difference being that the narcissist in my case is my birth mother. She was 16 years old when she had me, un married and then had another child at 19 still un married. This was back in the days when such things were a family scandal. During the time she was pregnant with her second child, she met a man who offered to marry her and “adopt” her unborn child. He was a soldier, and they lived on the base. Long story short, he abused me and she was aware but chose to ignore it to keep a roof over her head. Some one on the base reported it and she was given the option of leaving him with both children and being re housed or I would be removed by the state and put in an orphanage……which is what happened. They could’t remove the infant child as there was no proof of wrong doing there. After being in the orphanage for six months (at three and a half years old)I went to live with my foster family who I was with till the age of eighteen. I was reasonably happy but knew I was fostered and as I got older wanted to know things. My birth mother demanded to see me when I reached the age of eighteen…..I really didn’t want anything to do with it, but back then the age of consent was twenty one, so I had no choice. She has been a thorn in my side ever since, even though I have bent over backwards over the years to have some sort of relationship with her. She has spread evil gossip about me, ruined my marriage and the relationship with my eldest son….I am not even allowed to see my grandchildren, and they believe she is their grandmother! The latest thing was last summer I was invited to my nephews wedding in the UK……and I was planning to go, thinking it would be a nice family get together. No such thing….she phoned me on my birthday (Christmas eve) and told me I wasn’t wanted or welcome at the wedding and that the invite was out of etiquette, no one expected me to accept…..bearing in mind that she had offered me a place to stay if I came to the wedding a few months prior to this. I contacted my nephew about it, and he was very upset with what had happened, and apologized…..he has kept in touch with me and I have just received a lovely e mail from him with the news he has become a dad….lovely pic of his baby daughter and wife enclosed. My birth mother has no idea we are in touch as she thinks everyone agrees with what she did. The thing is…..people who do not know her take her at face value….and believe all the lies and vicious slander…..she is a pathological liar, and very good at it….even believes them herself to make her look good and everyone else wrong. I wrote her a letter after this last episode, explaining how I felt about what she has done to me, and told her I was moving on with my life. If and when she apologizes, and stops being nasty and angry, she is welcome to contact me…..until then I wished her well. So why do I still feel sad and have failed with this relationship….I know it is her issues that need to change, but a reality check….she won’t.She doesn’t ever believe she is at fault.

  7. I have been a victim of narcissism for 20 years please email me back I am replying to the story about how it affected her 2 girls that followed the same pattern it seems like everyone is against me even the police please email me I would like to share my story

  8. I don’t believe there is a way to save your children from the narcissist. He is remarried and is a millionaire….our children side with him and if they do talk to me they keep it a secret lest they”offend” their father.
    At least I saved myself from total breakdown or death.

  9. You only comment about women being abused and having rights. What about the rights of men who seem to be pushed aside and not believed.

  10. Hi, I doubt you will see this since it’s been years since the posting but is there anyway I could reach out to you or others that have gone through a situation like this? I could really use a friend who understands. If not that’s ok too.

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