The Pull And Push In A Relationship With A Narcissist
A relationship with a narcissist can be likened to a returning boomerang, ‘a weapon designed to return to the thrower.’
The narcissist’s relationships follow a pattern where they pull you into their web with their apparent charm, wit, kindness and generosity only to sabotage it all for no obvious reason. Then, when all seems lost, they switch on the charm again and things return to those initial stages where everything is perfect once again….TEMPORARILY.
These sick and twisted mind games are highly effective methods of manipulation and mind control. They play with your feelings and emotions. Why? To feed their never ending need for narcissistic supply and to get a reaction from you, positive or negative. The way they feel about themselves, dictates how they treat you. Whether you deserve it or not is not on their agenda.
The Cycle Of Mind Control
Narcissists don’t ‘do’ solitude. They need company like a car needs fuel. They thrive on narcissistic supply, good or bad, positive or negative and cannot function properly without it.
Love Bombing
The person with NPD wants to get you hooked and will initially appear considerate, amusing, generous, even kind. They will share the same interests and values (mirroring) and if it’s a romantic liaison, they’ll sweep you off your feet. Yes, you’ve met your Princess or Prince Charming. During this phase known as ‘love bombing’ you can’t believe your luck in meeting someone who shares your dreams and promises you the world. It’s too good to be true!! Sadly, it’s not. It’s not real.
Devaluation
The narcissist gets bored easily. All the positive supply and adoration is wearing thin. It’s not enough. You’re not doing enough. It’s certainly not their fault and it never is. They blame you. You need to suffer for not giving them the adoration and attention that they believe they deserve. They will shout or fire insults in your direction in an attempt to provoke you, to hurt you, in an attempt to get you to beg them, to plead with them. If you should happen to let them see those tears as they roll down your cheeks, they’ll be moved, moved to the point of total satisfaction. You may even be subjected to their favourite weapon, the silent treatment. You don’t deserve their acknowledgement. Their silence is justifiable. As you plead for an explanation, want to know what you’ve done wrong and promise to do whatever it is to put it right, their fragile ego is given a much needed boost. They’ll keep up this behaviour for just long enough, long enough to teach you a lesson and pray for their return but short enough so that they won’t lose you, not just yet!!
Now we’ll go back to the beginning. They’ll switch on the charm and you’re back in the web, relieved that once again you’re back where you should be. Everything will be perfect for a while… Until the next time.
The to-ing and fro-ing between being treated well and being treated badly over a period of months or years wrecks havoc with your emotions. A state of confusion doesn’t even come close in describing how you feel. This goes beyond bewilderment as to why this is happening. And yes, the narcissist is loving every minute. They planned this from the outset. They are masters of manipulation, practising their tactics in each and every relationship. If the narcissist has done their job well, you may find yourself with no one to turn to, no friends, no family, they have isolated you from everyone you held dear.
If the narcissist believes that you have figured them out and it’s not quite the right time to let you go, they will do everything to keep you from going.
They may promise to change… They won’t.
They may offer to seek help… They don’t need help, they’re perfect the way they are.
They say that it will never happen again… It will.
They may apologise… It’s not sincere.
These are all desperate measures to keep you from leaving. You are not at liberty to decide when the relationship ends. That’s their prerogative.
Eventually you will decide you’ve had enough of the control and the mind games and you’ll leave the narcissist or they will abandon you in the most callous manner that you can think possible. Either way, it’s not the end.
Don’t fall for their attempts to resurrect the past. It’s futile. Protect yourself, protect your heart. The outcome has already been decided.
‘Never run back to the one who almost brought you down.’
Written by Anne McCrea
29 thoughts on “The Pull And Push In A Relationship With A Narcissist”
Perfectly put
I left my N, I never find any writings or advice or information on that. It is all about the N discarding us. My leaving justified his behavior and his smear campaign….. Why do I still care? I lost a lot of friends because I left him while he was at work and he came home to me being gone. I hate that it makes him look like the victim!! I am proud of myself for recognizing the behavior sooner than later and leaving but I feel so alone.
I done the same thing and I know what ur saying . How they always become the victim and we’re the ones that have lived thru years of hell and we’re the bad person everytime !! Let those people walk in our shoes and see how long they would have stayed and put up with that shit !!
Oh my gosh!!! This was my my recent relationship–to a “T”!!! Why do we get reared in? It totally sucks. And I am not a your person either. It can happen at any age and it is horrible!!! Thank you for sharing this. I am forever grateful!
RMH
Does anyone know where i can ask questions about narcissists, sociopaths and general questions regarding this dreaded subject,
I’m looking for a professional answer
not a community blog only because the answers I’m looking for have to be fact rather than opinion or shared experiences.
survive all the abuse & aftermath of having an narcissist alcoholic abusive father
http://spartanlifecoach.com/
Hi Jamie,
I have walked in similar shoes to you. I am also a life coach and Counselor who specializes in helping those recovering from Narcissistic abuse. Please do reach out if I can be of any help. You can do a search for Direct Steps Coaching at .com and you should be able to find me.
There’s a site called Quora. …they’ve gotta pretty good Q & A forum
Anne, I just one to tell you (and the other contributors to narcissistic and emotional abuse) one more time ……..After 23 years of research, writing, and trying to figure out what really happened in my life, your site and your wonderful “apples of gold” are the main reason that I am feeling normal, and honestly secure and happy at the age of 71. I read your posts first thing in the morning……starts my day off knowing that someone CARES and there is a way PAST narcissistic abuse.
Thank you Nancee. I’m glad you have found the page and the website helpful. You are right. There is a way past this form of abuse. We just need to believe in ourselves a little more and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel if only we remember to switch on the light.
I was discarded brutally a couple weeks after I was told how much I was loved. Now she never wants to hear from me again and actually told me she doesn’t care about me at all. In all of that it seems impossible that she will attempt to lovebomb me again
This message came through at the right time. My narcissist ex boyfriend has made contact with me and wants to pick up things left behind 2 years ago. I can feel myself getting weak inside. This message is what was looking for and needed to tell him NO.
if some one leaves you dont take them back … you deserve so much more xx
This is such an eye-opener for me…I have just dedicated 5 precious years of my life to loving a narcissist, failing to realize why I feel so crappy about myself all the time. I’m finally breathing fresh air and I can’t believe I fell for all his mind games. A few months ago he left me but in such a horrible way that I can’t even…then he came back literally on his knees crying only to continue mistreating and betraying me. A few weeks ago I ended the relationship and he is back at trying to charm me. I mean come on! And the worst of all is that it is so difficult to free yourself from the grip of such a person as they know exactly what to say and which buttons to push to move you. Thanks so much for this article!
Im very confused was my ex an narc … or was it me?…. he was great at the start i fell hard for him… taking me out buying me things being so romantic etc. Telling me after four months im his soul mate.. then after a few arguments he stopped making as much effort. I was shocked… more arguments started and then he kept ending the relationship… silent treatments so i had to chase him to get us back on track… he would say i was petty and i always assumed things thats what caused the arguments.. but even when i tried to apologise or sort the situation he would drag the arguments out. He admitted himself he drags them out and he shouldnt do that…. that the arguments emotionally drain him.. one min he said i deserve better he feels hes not good enough the next min its because i assume thinģs all the time i dont trust him im petty i cant think that much of him…. i expect better etc…. it was so confusing.
Basically they’re fishing. Cast the line out there, see what bites, reel it in, throw it back. It’s exciting for them. They’re not really playing for keeps. It’s the catch and release that gives them the thrill.
Just shut the N down. In a short time they find another person or person(s) to “feed” the fragile ego. Blame is their game. You will never fill the empty hole in their deranged soul.
After almost 4 years of having the life sucked out of me, he did the crying, I love you BS telling me how much I hurt him, then when it was my turn to tell him how much he hurt me, crying, He says ” I can’t handle your emotional BS, my 4 year old is more mature than you”….After that comment, and repeatedly being hurt (of course I hung up on him and said it was over, now I’m the bad guy and in the second week of his silent treatment because it’s my fault for being hurt after the severe emotional abuse)…something inside of me just shut off like a light switch…like I’m thinking “how dare you blame me for my success, your insecurities, your cheating, lying, stealing, etc…but it’s all my fault right? WRONG! This article really helped me understand the psycopath behind the words…it’s like drowning in a black hole…no matter what I’ve said or done to try and make things right it doesn’t matter because he always has the last word, abandons me, gives me the silent treatment, then when he’s ready to talk it better be on his time that he so clearly tells me I constantly waste.
What I’ve learned is a hard painful heartbreaking lesson, but I refuse to be sucked into his hole of lies, deceit, anger, and self loathing.
It never changes and it never will….
I’m proud to say I’m free of that cycle of violence from him because in the end, I know that no matter what..good or bad, he will always blame me and say it’s all my fault…when in fact its his, he is toxic, abusive, and self loathing and I’ve had enough.
People like him can never be “fixed” and I’m done being his pawn on the chess table.
Thank you for this article, I’m a victim of domestic violence from my ex husband, but now I know that the physical scars go away from physical abuse, but emotional abuse is so much worse, because the scars are in my memory, and there isn’t a fancy cream to rub on those to get rid of all of the cruel, evil, mean, hateful things he has said to me.
I’m grateful for this article, I no longer feel confused and crazy. I feel relieved and free, and thankful I can move on, run like hell and never look back.
Hugs and hope to all who have walked in these painful shoes.
My narc ended our 28 year marriage after his business failed. He kept me in tow while I worked hard supporting him and our family, he surfed, bought a his boat. I knew something was not right, he could seem so nice, and yet, something was not quite right. I felt on edge, nervous of doing the wrong thing, When he was successful I was the best, if he had a bad day, I was the worst. If I told him my feelings I was accused of being critical and blaming, thus I had to apologise. I had to be careful how I constructed my sentaces! Once I said “I am so sorry you feel that way” spoken with care and kindness. He was furious, as that sentence to him indicated I took no responsibility. After two years of bewilderment, confusion, hurt, sadness, and crying… I am beginning to understand he is not normal, as much as I still love and care for him. Did I really say that.. yes, I recognise it is an illness, … I choose to think he was depressed. I did not wish to think he is a narc. He told me he had seen 30 girls he fancied an intimate relationship with… that hurt. He told me he did not love me and never will, he told me how awkward it could be if he had kids and wished to bring a girl home, I was told I was a fool to have worked so hard to ease his pain. I have three boys… I am proud of me.. I will survive. I will retrieve my inner glow, happiness and peace.
hello .. i have just let go by a narcissist partner again .. this time i dared say im sorry for your faulty perception of me and im sorry you feel that way . i hear you ..10 days later like now im dumped and his reasoning is im never there 4 him.. i am doing no contact .. i got a app of google play called extreme call blocker by a man called john smith aka grey thinker .. and it stops all the abusive texts and calls ..erases them before i read them .. its only a small victory but its mine .. i am so glad hes gone i can live again being me xx
Dancing the dance macabre. If you want to survive you must leave the dance floor while the music is still playing his beautiful seductive tunes.
This is my relationship with my mother to a T. It is SO painful and yes, confusing doesn’t even begin to describe it… at the very least it is crazy-making. I’ve had my share of romantic relationships with Ns too, only to step back after the last one that almost completely wiped me out and question the pattern. It brought me back to the source: my mother. Even after becoming aware of it and distancing myself over the past year, I still get ‘tricked’ and pulled back in. My birthday was a few days ago and she put on the charm and adoration and wanted to ‘celebrate’ (later revealing she saw it as ‘helping’ me- ick). Still clinging to the possibility that she might actually care and be sincere, I threw caution to the wind and dove right in. For the most part, we seemed to have a lovely evening- her saying a few times how much she was glad to be doing something together. But the very next day, she was back to her silent treatment. I called her to thank her and of course, she didn’t answer and never replied. This pattern is all too familiar, and again, so painful… It part of the punishment phase- for what I’ll never know, but everyone around her including my family will hear about it. I am estranged from most of my family because of her and the tales she weaves. The toxicity of all of this has touched every area of my life and I am determined to extricate every last tendril of it so I can finally live free- but it feels like an uphill battle. I now regret letting my guard down and sharing my special day with her, though I feel I would have been punished either way. I wish taking a chance on something good didn’t always have to hurt afterward and be such a yo-yo ride. This article came at a good time to remind me and help me take some of the blame off myself.
I have always been confused about my N’s behavior until I found out with the help of a psychologist that I am in a trap and she will keep on playing games with me. I was shocked, after finding someone so perfect. How can things go wrong? It took me a long time to believe that and I begged the narcissist so much but she did what she wanted to do. It feels weird but after reading your article … Connecting things are easier.
Thank you 🙂
Hi This blog was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something that helped me. gracias
I think we must have been in the relationship with the same person. This is the exact same thing I been through. And toward the end the blame game became worst. It was like he wanted me to be hurt. When I became REALLY upset with him, he told me it turned him on. WHAT? How can someone’s emotional pain be a turn on. Wow! Great article and very helpful.
so true and makes sense . tried for 20 years to work out what he was.the mind games infidelity love bombing.leaving finding out about his spares that he always lied and denied about.gaslighting all because he was a narcissist. words fail me
I had no idea I was in this type of relationship until he moved in. A year and a half later, I just kicked him out. Thank you for this article. It reinforced what I knew was happening. Now to heal me and move on.
I was constantly called a narcissist by her; constantly called “abusive”, to the point where I started to wonder whether I was. In 35 years of life she was the only one who had ever called me a narcissist and abusive. She would say it’s because she knows the real me who I’ve just been hiding from ALL of my past S.O. and friends and family all this time.
I would tell her it just doesn’t make sense. Why would I suddenly be an abusive narcissist to her? It was really eating at me. In fact, since the first day we met she had always tried to tell me what I’m really like…you know…because she’s clairvoyant and all.
It just never sat well with me that she’d constantly tell me who I was and how I felt. And whenever I disagreed with her or actually told her how I felt she’d say “no you don’t. You don’t think that way” or “you don’t really feel that way”.
Emotional invalidation (i.e. devaluation).
I started researching narcissism in my free time since she was constantly accusing me of it, and what I’d read really shocked me because almost every characteristic listed under narcissism SHE HAD!
The love bombing in the beginning…
(week #2) “I’ve loved you since before we met…we bonded as souls before we were born.”
The pushing and pulling…
“I never want to speak to you again”. (3 days later) “I need you. I can’t live without you.”
…but I was still unsure whether I was unwittingly a narcissist. Then I realized that there’s one thing that all the articles agree on that narcissists do and that’s BLAME!
Devaluation is typically initiated when narcissist BLAMES YOU, in one way or another, for something that’s completely NOT your fault.
She’d blame me for everything and – admittedly – I would get angry at the false accusations and argue…then she’d accuse me of having an anger problem. Now I’m ACTUALLY to blame.
She literally would even blame me for the weather. I. Kid. You. Not. This went on for 3 years. I never understood why blame made me so angry until I read several more articles that explained that blame and shame and guilt are emotionally abusive tactics meant to attack one’s self-esteem. It’s literally an attack, so you enter into fight-or-flight mode.
Well when I finally understood her game I started calling her out on it; calling her the actual narcissist and pointed out instances when she showed it. I also started calling her out on her emotional abuse whenever it occurred, which I knew wouldn’t go unpunished:
“poor victim lol.”
“little bitch.”
“you’re not a real man.”
“punk ass.”
“lol here’s the number to the national domestic violence hotline.”
If any man said these things to me they’d find themselves on the ground when they woke up, but she didn’t hesitate to call me these things…so I’d call here names in return. Not smart I know, because it makes me no better than her (something I think she knew very well because she wouldn’t hesitate to use my hurtful words for guilt from then on, knowing it wasn’t part of my character).
During the honeymoon phase she’d tell me she gets that vicious when she senses the “evil” me emerging so since it’s not really me but an “enemy/stranger” she feels it’s ok to fight “him” without holding back until the “real” me returns. Yet, I would explain that there’s only 1 me and that *I* get upset when she begins emotionally abusing me.
…and on an on until 2 weeks ago until I reached my limit and said I’m done. Then I was the cheater, the abandoner, the abuser (again).
She has been through a lot in her life and I tried to help her through it; tried to stick in there, especially with 3 children from different relationships…but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I apologized to her kids profusely for having to leave. No doubt she’s smearing my name among them even though I was a saint and godsend to be in their lives (she said).
I’m heartbroken now, but I have to be cold so as to not fall back into her trap as I’ve done oh so many times.
I am crying as i read this article as if it was written about my husband. Just now he called me a dumb ass 3x. Why? Because I don’t give him enough sex. He then threatens me with having sex with othet women. Then says I keep in doing stupid crap and HE is fed up. He is sleeping and has no remorse for having called me dumb ass and hearing me cry. I know I don’t deserve this but it is so hard to leave him. I went to 1.5 yrs of domestic violence counseling and still have not left him. He is the one that has treated me the best and the worse for 10 years. I don’t know what else I am waiting for to leave him.
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